Thursday 12 March 2009

Money Actually

All you need is love. That's what John Lennon reckoned, but he was wrong. Sometimes you need a bulletproof vest too. And sometimes you need a cynical, jaded eye. Often, in fact. Having said that, although love is most certainly not all you need, it is the prime mover of the human spirit and life without it is stale, flat, tiring and - on the whole - depressingly pointless. So when on Saturday 17th January I received an email from Nikki Leigh, contacting me on behalf of Dr Ava Cadell, founder of Loveology University, I automatically assumed that this was merely yet another unscrupulous, self-serving charlatan exploiting humanity's instinctive desire for love for personal financial gain. But I thought I’d better do a bit of research, just to be sure. So I looked up Loveology University online and to my gargantuan surprise, it turns out that it’s actually a beautiful thing! Turns out that Dr Ava Cadell is a genuine, warm, caring human being who wants nothing more than to help people help themselves to become more ready to give and receive love. Nah, just kidding. She’s a charlatan. And Nikki Leigh is her Satanic little PR twot. This by the way, is only my opinion. I know how litigious these American charlatans can be, so let me reiterate that all of this is mere opinion - bitter, malicious, loveless conjecture based on what to my disenchanted eyes are glaringly obvious facts. Anyhow, Ms Leigh wanted to know if I’d like to help promote Loveology University and their repugnant, soulless Valentine’s Day-themed competition to find the World's Best Lover. (Yawn.) You probably heard from her too. I’m sure she contacted every blog on the internet which somewhere features the word ‘love’ or ‘sex’. I wrote back to say I’d be very interested in interviewing Dr Ava and a week or two later, I sent her a bunch of genuine, heartfelt, inquisitive questions, including the following...


If you would like to read the rest of this article, Stan recommends you go here and purchase a copy of The Little Book of Shame. Not only does it contain the article you're currently reading, it also contains around 50 others, and all for the incredible price of whatever price it happens to be at the moment. You lucky thing you.

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23 comments:

Anonymous said...

You need to get laid x

Ann Anon

La Bête said...

Tell me about it.

Anonymous said...

Can i order a sex sandwich between two slices of low fat bread? i find love annoying and it doesn't leave me feeling full...

Anonymous said...

Bete, this picture: http://betedejour.blogspot.com/2009/03/feedback-wednesday-march.html

Tim F said...

Do you not understand? Dr Ava is just Nikki Leigh's vagina glove puppet! Or vuppet as they should be known.

La Bête said...

Aha! Lauren. Aha! I forgot about that. Thanks for reminding me.

Wisewebwoman said...

And have I got a bridge to sell you!
XO
WWW

The Monkeyman said...

Her "doctorate" is from Newport University which as wiki puts it:

is approved by the State of California Bureau of Private Postsecondary and Vocational Education[2], which is not an accreditation agency. This should not be confused with accreditation, as Newport University is not accredited by any agency recognized by the United States Department of Education

I.e. in my humble opinion she does not have a real doctorate, like the ones where you spend 3-4 plus years working on a research question & collect original data that you analyse & write a massive thesis on & then have an examination with two experts from your field & then go on to publish sections of your work in peer reviewed journals.

HumansEarthHQ said...

Dearest... you make my world better just by being in it! Love this!

Anonymous said...

My only sympathy for her stems from the fact that I (almost) have a PhD in something equally ridiculous. Although I'll get mine through blood, sweat and tears (mainly tears) and it sounds rather like hers came as a free gift with a snazzy vibrator.

Anonymous said...

Monkeyman, I like you. I'm doing the proper sort of PhD, so even if it is on a bit of a weird subject (I can't tell you what it is without losing any shred of anonymity I may have), I still have my academic integrity. Newport University my arse.

Larry Teabag said...

Do you actually advise Nicole Kidman and John Travolta? If not, isn’t it a little misleading to use their images?

A classic scissors manoeuvre, Bête. Either she used their images without permission, or lovelology is forever damned by association to a loopy scientologist.

rachaelgking said...

I think Tyra can help you out...

http://current.com/items/87215141/tyra_banks_and_her_vagina_puppet.htm

La Bête said...

Whoa whoa whoa whoa. What is that woman saying? 'We don't really have velvet and satin and little flowers down there.' Excuse me? That's just a lie.

Thanks anyway, LiLu. I love Tyra.

La Bête said...

Ha! There she is, there she is. Problem is, I could get a real one for that price. Although not for much more than an hour or so.

Anonymous said...

I already have a real one. Ha.

La Bête said...

Yeah, but I bet you take it for granted.

Anonymous said...

Oh Bête, you forget that I'm in a relationship in which I'm not going to get to share it until we're married. I assure you, I never take it for granted.

La Bête said...

Ah yes. In that case, you win. You strange lady, you.

Anonymous said...

There is of course this alternative
http://knitterrooney.blogspot.com/2007/08/yarngina-monologue.html

Some Chilean Woman said...

Now I am really curious...
How will you be using this vagina glove puppet? Would you just be playing with it or entertaining us with a ventriloquist-type act? I'd pay to see the ventriloquist act.

Anonymous said...

All I can say is this...

McKey wins ANTM! yesssssss!! I strike again!

Anonymous said...

Stan Cattermole and his Amazing Chatterhole! Genius!