FYI

Yesterday afternoon Alma and I watched Charley Says, a collection of public information films shown on British television from 1959 to 1983. Being 76, Alma remembered nearly all of them, albeit vaguely, but most of them were new to me.

It’s a fascinating watch. The films tend to vacillate between the mind-bogglingly obvious, the highly disturbing and the just plain weird.

The early ones seemed obsessed with road safety, as well as general road courtesy...



...and the country code, depicting posh or otherwise thoughtless people making farmers irate by dumping rubbish, picking wildflowers, starting fires or getting jiggy in the woods…



The best of the rest were the ones with amusing, well-drawn characters who appeared in different situations in a series of films. My own personal favourites are Joe and Petunia, a pair of common-as-muck Northern ninnies whose infuriating stupidity knows no bounds…



There are four Joe and Petunia films on the DVD, one explaining that if you see a man drowning, you ought to phone the coastguard; one explaining that if you see a red flag on the beach, accompanied by a sign reading ‘DANGER – STRONG CURRENTS – DO NOT BATHE’, you really oughtn’t venture into the sea; one in which Joe and Petunia shit all over the countryside like the patriotic, ignorant, crass, boorish, self-centred, wilfully working class oiks they are, and are rightly castigated by a hopping mad rural type; and the final film, in which Joe and Petunia get their comeuppance, dying tragically in a car accident because Joe is simple-minded enough to drive around winding mountain roads with badly worn tyres, despite very large warning signs…









Up there with Joe and Petunia of course is the eponymous Charlie and his unnamed and slightly moronic boy-pal…



Lessons taught by Charlie and the ignorant boy include the following: do not play with matches (‘they can hurt you’); don’t jump headfirst into a river (‘Charley nearly drowned’); don’t go close to ‘stoves’ (‘hot things there can hurt you’); don’t pull the tablecloth off the table (‘the hot water from the tea-pot can hurt you very much’); don’t go anywhere without telling your mum where you’re going and, of course, ‘never go anywhere with men or ladies you don’t know’ – even if they do offer to show you some puppies…



Speaking of paedophilia, I was surprised by how commonly it cropped up. I didn’t really think it existed until the 90s. But it did. Look...





It was always very subtle of course, the overall message being do not, under any circumstances, talk to strangers. Oh, unless they look like this…



Or this…



Or – God forbid – this…



Watching the whole collection makes you think that although people often complain today that we’re living in a Nanny State, we should really shut our mouths and think ourselves lucky we’re not still living in the seventies.

On the whole, these 157 short films give the very strong impression that everyone born before 1977 was a genuine, 100%, bona fide moron. Most of the information imparted can be boiled down to a simple list of staggeringly obvious dos and don’ts. Mostly don’ts. For example…

Don't lean over a pond with a big stick, especially when the Grim Reaper is standing behind you...



Don’t play near pylons.

Don’t play near railway lines.

Don’t go to A&E with a sore finger.

Don't let your child go out mugging people and vandalising public property...



Don’t get a fine - get a TV licence.

Don’t dazzle – dip.

Don’t get hit by a car if you can help it - you’ll be like a peach under a hammer.

Don’t burn coal when it's foggy or you'll turn the fog into smog, and smog kills...



Don’t get stuck in a hideous and meaningless job when you could do something more worthwhile simply by contacting the careers advisory service.

Don’t use paraffin heaters without adequate ventilation.

Don’t forget to tell someone if you decide to change your sailing plans, take a detour in your boat and spend the evening chatting up a fulsome bar wench in a distant tavern…



Don’t run in front of a speeding car whilst trying to catch a bus.

Don’t line your kitchen ceiling with polystyrene tiles and gloss paint, you dolt.

Don’t put your arm in an alligator’s mouth…



Don't piss around on frozen ponds.

Don’t mix cross-ply and radial tyres on the same axle.

Don’t leave fridges lying around because…



Don’t overload your caravan.

Don’t change lanes at traffic lights.

Don’t keep losing your birds (or in other words, learn to swim, young man. Learn to swim.)…



Don’t fuck about in the workplace (‘metal filings in the eye can very often blind a guy’).

Don’t get run over in front of ice cream vans.

Don’t let men in sheepskin coats make off with your vagina…



Oh, and don’t leave broken bottles on the beach. Christ, are people really that retarded?

Yes. They really are.

This has me flinching every time…



On the positive side, whatever you do, do make sure your house is frost-proof.

Do clean your teeth.

Do put the chain on before you open your front door, and also, do have a little panic that you might be about to be murdered by ‘a mad, mad axeman who is deep in sin’…



Do leave five cars’ space between you and the car in front – yeah, right.

Do keep an eye open for felons...



Do bend your legs when lifting heavy objects…



Do check your safety equipment when going out in a boat.

Do be seen at night...



Do give blood.

Do take precautions against malaria. Oh, and rabies…



Do unplug all electrical equipment every night…



Why? Just do it. Also, think before you drink before you drive, and when you are driving, clunk click every trip, think once, think twice, think bike. OK?

Oh, and obviously, in the event of nuclear war, if you happen to be outdoors, remember to ‘brush and shake off any fallout dust you may have picked up and get rid of it.’

Pffft.

We’ve come a long way.



Don’t have nightmares.