Tuesday, 19 February 2008

Sex in Cyberia :: Like a Leopard On a Dove

So yeah, as I mentioned, I lost my cybersex virginity on Sunday night. And now, because blogs are all about making public that which once would have remained strictly private, I’m going to share the experience with you. If I had had real sex with Grace – this was the name of the lady in question, if indeed she was a lady – then what I’m about to do would be the equivalent of me embedding a video of us going at it. Which would make me nothing more than a lowly peddler of smut. However, all we actually did was type words to one another, and although at times the words do get a little spicy – if you’re of a prim disposition, consider this a warning – it is just a conversation, so I feel less like a pornographer, and more like a purveyor of spice. A spice boy.

Zigazig aah.

I had been chatting on and off to Grace for a few days by the way, so we had already got to know one another a little, but the conversation had only recently taken on a zesty thrust. So here it is, with permission, my virtual cherry, laid bare and pulsing...

wicked.grace: so do you want to ‘cyber’, as I believe the kids call it?
elbows: but i'm eating my banana and peanut butter sandwich
wicked.grace: well hurry up. I’m feeling sexy.
elbows: oh my
wicked.grace: what are you wearing?
elbows: oh god, lots of clothes. It’s freezing in here at the moment. I think the heating’s busted. I keep meaning to have a word with the landlord but there just aren’t enough hours in the day. And he’s not the easiest person to get hold of at the best of times, let alone when I want something doing. You still feeling sexy?
wicked.grace: You’re not taking this seriously are you?
elbows: I’m sorry. Am I supposed to? Are you?
wicked.grace: A bit. Well, I was going to try and give it a try
elbows: OK, hold on. Right. Sandwich finished. Now I just need to establish a couple of ground rules here – I’ve never done this before you see and I really don’t know how it works. So – am I supposed to tell the truth? Or just tell you what I think you want to hear?
wicked.grace: I’m not sure. The truth I guess. Maybe with a couple of sexy lies thrown in.
elbows: Really? OK, here we go. I’m wearing a large tee shirt with an amusing slogan on it ('Warning: this t-shirt may contain tits' - hilarious), plus a big fisherman’s jumper, plus a woolly hat pulled down over my ears. On my bottom half however, I’m wearing skintight sexy rubber pants, and no underwear. Woof!
wicked.grace: Hmmm.
elbows: what are you wearing?
wicked.grace: I’m wearing leather boots and tight blue jeans. On my top half I’m wearing a green shirt and a green scarf round my neck.
elbows: Long or short sleeves?
wicked.grace: long sleeves, pulled up to the elbows.
elbows: Please don’t say ‘elbows’.
wicked.grace: Sorry. Long sleeves. I’m also wearing red lipstick and my hair is tied back in a pony tail.
elbows: gosh, I’m becoming aroused already. It really works!
wicked.grace: would you like me to take off some clothes?
elbows: I’m not sure. Is your heating working OK?
wicked.grace: tip top, yeah. I’m actually quite warm.
elbows: OK then. Maybe you could slip something off.
wicked.grace: will you join me?
elbows: OK then.
wicked.grace: I’ve loosened the scarf around my neck first. I’ve slipped it off and let it drop to the living room floor.
elbows: I’ve taken off my hat. And thrown it at the cat.
wicked.grace: I’ve undone the top button of my shirt. Then the next.
elbows: You’ll be here all night at that rate. Hold on… There. I’m naked.
wicked.grace: Hmmm.
elbows: Nnngh! Nurk!
wicked.grace: ?
elbows: I came.
wicked.grace: I don’t think you’re very good at cybersex. I’m sorry to have to say that to you. I don’t mean to hurt your feelings, but you should know. In fact, you’re the worst I’ve ever had.
elbows: I’m sorry.
wicked.grace: Meh.
elbows: No I really am sorry. I wish I could make it up to you.
wicked.grace: Maybe you’re better in real life.
elbows: much better, yes.
wicked.grace: I bet you’re not as repulsive as you say you are.
elbows: Honestly, I’m worse.
wicked.grace: I kind of wish you were here anyway, so I could see for myself.
elbows: I am here.
wicked.grace: I mean here.
elbows: So do I. I’m standing behind you right now. Can’t you hear me breathing?
wicked.grace: Oooh, hello.
elbows: You’re sitting at your desk in the living room. I’m standing behind you. I reach my hand out and run my fingers over your neck, over the hair at the back of your neck.
wicked.grace: that’s nice. Would you kiss it maybe?
elbows: kissing's later. First I pinch your ear lobes with my fingers, then lean forward and smell your hair
wicked.grace: you're making me slightly moist
elbows: it smells nice. Your hair I mean. Not your moistness. I can’t smell your moistness. Not yet.
wicked.grace: you're making murmuring noises into my ear
elbows: Yes, I kiss the top of your left ear, slowly, murmuring.
wicked.grace: mmmmm
elbows: you are a little tense though – I think I need to apply some pressure to your back. My hands move down and my thumbs burrow into your flesh.
wicked.grace: I groan and reach around to you
elbows: i kiss your neck
wicked.grace: i can feel how hard you are
elbows: lightly. I groan.
wicked.grace: I start to touch you
elbows: where?
wicked.grace: gently rubbing the top of you. You’re poking out of your trousers
elbows: i've moved my hands round to your breasts - i can't resist
wicked.grace: I'm loosening your belt and reaching in to hold all of you in my hand
elbows: i'm caressing your breasts with both hands. I want to kiss you
wicked.grace: i want to turn around and take you in my mouth
elbows: I really need to kiss you
wicked.grace: I'm turning around and looking up at you
elbows: I stroke your face
wicked.grace: I offer you my tongue
elbows: I bend toward you
wicked.grace: I lick your hand
elbows: I move your face to mine
wicked.grace: I look into your eyes
elbows: I kiss you lightly on the top lip
wicked.grace: My lips are throbbing with desire
elbows: i lick them, lightly
wicked.grace: mmm, you tease
elbows: with the tip of my tongue
wicked.grace: i intake breath, sharply
elbows: my hands are on you. my hands are all over you. I unbutton your shirt.
wicked.grace: please...
elbows: i unbutton you quickly and pull your shirt over your shoulders while I’m kissing your cheeks, the corners of your mouth
wicked.grace: i lick you every time you come near me
elbows: i pull away a little, teasing you
wicked.grace: i'm still offering you my tongue and i'm still holding your cock, lightly. i start to move my hand
elbows: i need to feel you
wicked.grace: it's throbbing, moving on its own
i unzip you
i turn to get close to you
i pause to lick your stomach and breathe hot air on the part i've just licked
i move down, slowly, peppering your body with kisses until i reach your man-hair!
and I feel your cock, throbbing, pulsating against my cheek.
i rub my cheek against it for a moment, and it responds, nudging me back
elbows: i need to remove, i need you to remove - pull my pants down! please!
wicked.grace: i slowly tug at your pants
and they fall down around your ankles
elbows: i feel like i'm about to lose control. it's all too much
wicked.grace: keys and change in the pockets clinking
and I take you in my mouth, your hot hardness, and I take my tongue and offer it to your cock instead
elbows: my cock accepts your tongue
wicked.grace: i'm feeling your every movement inside my mouth
elbows: i put my hand on the back of your head and push it onto me
my cock is deep inside your mouth
wicked.grace: i take you as deep as i can
my throat opens up too
elbows: nnngh
wicked.grace: and I move back and forth, tickling the underneath of you with my tongue
elbows: this is too much for me. i lift your head from my cock and kiss you passionately. Then I drag you to the bed and leap on top of you, like a leopard onto a dove. my tongue is deep in your mouth
wicked.grace: i'm trembling with lust
elbows: i am kissing you hard
and my left hand has moved down to your crotch
wicked.grace: i'm scratching your back with my nails
elbows: i am rubbing you violently
wicked.grace: and moaning
elbows: i undo your belt
your top button
scratching at your zip
i undo it
i use my other hand and start to pull at your jeans
wicked.grace: i am very wet now
i let you
elbows: i move down your body quickly and pull off your jeans - down your legs - off!
wicked.grace: i raise my ass off the bed to help you a bit
elbows: don’t say ass
then i remove your knickers in one swift movement and while your bum is raised i flip you over onto your stomach
then i move up between your legs and thwap my cock against your buttocks
wicked.grace: mmm, i love being face down
elbows: thwap thwap
i push my hand into the small of your back
my thumb finds its way into your bum
wicked.grace: mmmm, it slides in because you've licked it
elbows: my fingers are in your vagina too
of course i've licked it. it's dripping
wicked.grace: that gets wetter as you play with my ass
elbows: sigh
my hand is in you like a bowling ball
(sorry for the bowling ball analogy)
wicked.grace: dirty. i like it
elbows: Ok then. i bowl you across the room and the furniture goes flying
i follow you
wicked.grace: erm
elbows: and launch myself at your rectum. then i'm in you like a light sabre through a knob of butter. fffshoom
wicked.grace: no no no.
elbows: fffshoom. shhhhhvummm. fffshoom. fffshoom
wicked.grace: stop with the analogies. keep the butter, lose the lightsabre
elbows: what about the knob?
wicked.grace: so, you're buttering me up
and slipping in
yeah, that can stay
elbows: i slide in slowly
like, real slow
wicked.grace: in and then out and then in again, ever so slowly
i can feel myself opening up to you
bit by bit
elbows: i can feel myself throbbing inside you
wicked.grace: i can feel that too, inch by inch, you're filling me up
i'm wriggling away a bit, as it's so intense, and then coming back for more
pushing myself back onto you
enjoying the impalement
elbows: i push myself into you a little harder as you try and inch away
i'm not letting you get away
i pull you onto me
grabbing your hips
i grunt involuntarily
wicked.grace: i'm clawing at the bedsheets and the pillows
i'm grunting too
elbows: i scratch your back and slap you hard on the right buttock
wicked.grace: i'm almost there, you're almost all in
the last part is the most fulfilling
elbows: slap! slap! slap!
wicked.grace: when everything opens up like a flower, and I feel the whole of you
elbows: my right hand snakes around your hips to your frontal flower and slips and slides and rubs and gently pinches
wicked.grace: i feel your front against my back, and your hand on my petals...or should that be my stamen?
elbows: my hand is sticky with your love pollen
wicked.grace: i'm moaning with agony/ecstasy/ mostly ecstasy
elbows: i'm pumping into you quite hard now
wicked.grace: yes, i'm so wet, i'm leaving a wet patch on the bed
elbows: and squeezing you
slapping your buttocks
scratching your back
pulling your hair
it's like i have 12 hands
wicked.grace: i'm moving against you, pushing when you pull
elbows: and three cocks
wicked.grace: you feel huge. and hard.
elbows: the bed is juddering
wicked.grace: i'm biting my lip, biting the pillow, anything in reach
elbows: . i'm bellowing
someone starts banging on the ceiling from upstairs.
i carry on bellowing
wicked.grace: the rythym quickens
elbows: like a mad fuck-wizard
i pull back your head by your hair and lift your legs
wicked.grace: i'm moaning loudly
elbows: you're floating
we're both floating!
wicked.grace: i'm calling your name
elbows: a frantic floating fuck!
i'm calling yours!
i can't hold out much longer!
wicked.grace: i'm going to come with you
I'm going to judder as hard as the bed
elbows: you'd better be quick then - I.. I...
wicked.grace: i reach down and touch myself to quicken my orgasm
i'm coming with you
elbows: aaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhh
I am screaming
coming from every orifice
wicked.grace: I'm speechless
just breathless
still shuddering, weak-kneed
elbows: i'm blind
and deaf
there are lights behind my eyes
i cannot breathe
where am I? I feel your breath
i open my eyes
wicked.grace: i feel your come pumping into me, like foam from a fireman’s hose
elbows: nice analogy. i look at you. you are the most beautiful woman i have ever seen in my life
i kiss you tenderly
wicked.grace: i'm pink-cheeked and sticky
i kiss you back
elbows: i hold you
wicked.grace: i run my hands through your hair
elbows: i pinch your cheeks and punch you on the shoulder, like the Fonz. Eeeeeyyyyyyyyy.
wicked.grace: eeeeeyyyyyyyyy
elbows: Heh. You know what? That was fun.
wicked.grace: Did you come?
elbows: What, really? No, I wasn’t even touching myself. Were you? Did you come?
wicked.grace: No, not quite. I’m going to go and finish myself off now. You should send a photo.
elbows: I’ll try.
wicked.grace: Try hard. x

Yesterday morning I wrote to Grace and asked her if I could blog our exchange. She said I could. I sent her a photo.

I’ve yet to hear back.

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Sue said...

Oh.... so that's how it works!

Is it wrong of me to say I enjoyed reading this? (not THAT way)

May I suggest literotica.com? (Whatever you do, don't venture into the Taboo section there).

...Nessy... said...

Bête, that was very entertaining, and I could only wish that my times with guys were like how you've written.

I <3 the LightSabre analogy...
It's better than, "Do you like how my cock feels against your pussy?"

Glamourpuss said...

I do really like banana and peanut butter sandwiches. Actually, come to think of it, I really like bum sex, too. But cybersex doesn't really appeal - I'm too much of a literary critic and punctuation freak for that. Misplaced commas are a huge turn-off.


Anonymous said...

I'm very curious as to what a mad fuck-wizard does, exactly ;)

Brilliant, BTW. Was it real? Having tried it once or twice in the past the most I ever seemed to get from women after typing in a long,wonderfully descriptive passage full of pulsating subcontext and erotic overtones was something along the lines of "mmm, yeah", or, if I was really lucky, they'd use more "m"s.

I didn't bother so much with it after that ;)

Anonymous said...

Wow, that was as hot as I hoped it would be.

Besides, the bowling pin analogy was the best I've ever heard.

Dave2 said...

Now I need a cigarette...

Anonymous said...

sorry to be anon but I don't blog. this was very, very funny. really nice and subtle. hope it was real. will try and spot you runnign around Herne Hill. have you read The Fermata by Nicholson Baker. it is one of my favourite books and you reminded me of it with this.

Ginny said...

Now I need a fag and some KFC...

Anonymous said...

Bowling balls? Light sabers? 12 hands? Oh this made me laugh so much! Sorry if that wasn't the intention but I thought it was hilarious!

La Bête said...

Thanks for your comments, everyone. To those who asked, yes, it was 95% real. I cleaned up the spelling and punctuation a little, and took out a few ugly lines, but that was pretty much the thrust of it.

anonymous, I started reading The Fermata but for some reason I didn’t finish it. I think I got a bit bored. I finished Vox though, which was similarly smutty and, as I recall, fairly repetitive. I’m not sure I really like Nicholson Baker, but I’m glad I reminded you of something you like. Yes, watch out for me in Brockwell Park. I’ll be big sweaty bloke looking out for the Nicholson Baker fan with a look of intense fear in my eyes.

Laughing is OK, penelope. It made me laugh too. I’ve always thought sex was pretty much supposed to be funny. But I’ve never been absolutely sure I was doing it right.

Carolina said...

A fuck-wizard with a light-saber who carries a woman like a bowling ball? Zigazig aah, indeed!

Geeky Tai-Tai said...

Man, that was a good one!

caroline said...

I've just recently tried cybersex for the first time too - 'laughed like a drain when I read this.'Frontal flower....noooo!
Grace is daft if she doesn't reply.A way such as yours with words and a sense of humour beat good looks any day.If I was twenty years younger, I would!
Sorry to be anonymous, but can't work out how to show a name from AOL, 'still new to this comments thingy.

Caroline said...

Oooh, it worked, not anonymous after all.May I just second the recommendation for Literotica.com?

Luka said...

And there I was thinking you'd never top the cat porn.

You share my love of subverting the sex genre...

Anonymous said...

I can't believe you sent her a picture! I hope she writes back.

I found your chat quite clean and was surprised at the fact that you used such formal language when discussing the various sexual organs. Interesting. Are you too much of a gentleman to use the raunchier words? Or was that part of what you cleaned up?


EmmaK said...

Ha ha, that was so much fun. I'm so glad you popped your cyber cherry in full view of us all.

Canuckian's Evil Twin said...

long-time reader (well, okay, for the last couple of months), first-time commenter: your post had me laughing out loud! absolutely hilarious and yes, i think sex can be funny too.

laughed especially hard at "like a leopard to a dove".

still chuckling,
CET :o)

La Bête said...

Hi Tamara. I like to think that there is no situation in which a gentleman should let his standards slip. In fact, the more sordid and debased the context, the more call there is for excellent manners and top rank decorum. (I did use a few raunchy words though.)

Welcome, CET!

bittersweet me said...

hilarious and hot, all in one. How refreshing.

La Bête said...

I'm definitely going to start one of those testimonial lists down the side of this blog one day, and this:

"Hilarious and hot, all in one. How refreshing."

...will take pride of place.

I know it wasn't strictly said about me, or even the site in general, but I shall get around this by lying.

Anonymous said...

That was a really good combination of very funny and totally hot.

La Bête said...

Damn you, anonymous! That would be another good one for the testimonials if you weren't anonymous. Now everyone will just think it was me.

Shit, maybe it was me. Maybe I've started sleep-posting again. Damn it. I hate that.

Ryan Lawson said...

Before I read this, I don't remember the last time I laughed out loud at my computer.

I hate gushing, truly, but THAT was hysterical.

La Bête said...

You even gushed?! Fantastic. Thank you.

having my cake said...

Being allergic to rubber, I had to don protective clothing but I stayed with it til the end...

Amb. said...

that was pretty funny, I like the analogies.

Clare Sudbery said...

"I’ve taken off my hat. And thrown it at the cat."
"Did you come?" "What, really? No, I wasn’t even touching myself. Were you? Did you come?"
"like a leopard on a dove"
And lots lots more. Hilarious.

Je ne regrette rien said...

12 hands and 3 cocks?! hubba, hubba !

Lauren said...

Effing HOT!
Did you hear back...?

somechileanwoman said...

I was getting into it there...I think it's been way too long.

French Fancy said...

I actually spurted crumbs over my keyboard when I got to the light sabre line. That was so funny.

Lady Julia said...

Funny, charming, and sexy. The post was great, too ;)

Phoebe Henderson said...

I've moved from cybersex to text sex, however it can kinda kill the mood when there's a big smiley emoticon at the end of the filth.

Phoebe x

Anonymous said...

I love the fact you stopped to ask her not to say ass. I agree wholly! Your writing is glorious. Good luck with it all!