Wednesday, 7 October 2009

Bingo? Let's Play!

So, a few days ago I was contacted by one Thomas Brown asking me if I’d be interested in placing a little text ad on my blog in exchange for wonga. Brown works for Topspot Promotions, which essentially, is a kind of perversely legitimate virus which spreads virtual cancer throughout the internet. However, as I’m on the verge of declaring myself bankrupt, I thought I might as well take my principles and general anti-capitalist, anti-marketing standpoint and shove them up my adolescent broke ass. So I wrote to Thomas, asking him what he had in mind. ‘Let's talk numbers,’ I said. ‘How much can you give me up front?’

Thomas replied, saying, ‘We are willing to pay you a one-time fee of $80 for writing a regular post (in the spirit of the rest of your blog’s posts) which will include a paragraph that will describe my client’s website and its services.’

Now, in this day and age, what with the pound lying in the gutter with its entrails hanging out and me in a really quite terrifying amount of debt, I thought, well, $80 is not to be sneezed at, especially if I could write the promotional post in the spirit of the rest of my blog. Thomas had obviously seen my blog and realised that my tone was a good fit with his client’s product. So I asked for more details.

Thomas wrote back, explaining that his client was an online bingo company called 888ladies.com. Hmmm, I thought. Sounds right up my alley. Thomas continued…


‘The post of course should be about online bingo and should include, as mentioned, information about my client’s website an services. You can write the post as you want as long as it will be positive. I don’t want to limit you but of course that the longer the post will be it will be better.

Once the post will be ready you can send it to me and I’ll show you where I want to place the links (from which words).

I look forward to hearing your thoughts.’


So, even though I had a million other things to do – get a job, write a bestseller, get Paul McKenna to hypnotise me to stop smoking, get my ears syringed, get my piles waxed, honestly, the list really is endless – I decided to spend some time on my positive promotional bingo post. It took me bloody ages too, but I think in the end I got the tone right. This is what I sent...


Hi Thomas

I have decided to take you up on your generous offer and so include below my first post for your perusal. I hope it’s not too irreverent…



Bingo!

If you’re anything like me, you’ll be wondering what went wrong with your life. Here you are, rapidly approaching middle-age and what have you got to show for it? Stretchmarks, fat ears, unwaxed piles and a wasted life spent predominantly alone wanking into an old sock and wondering why no-one’s buying your really quite remarkable book.

But fear not, for help is at hand in the form of a really quite excellent online bingo site called 888ladies.com.

Now I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking, ‘Hello. What’s all this? Has Stan lost his blinking benkers? What’s all this about online bingo? Everyone knows it’s a mug’s game – essentially Stupid Tax for people who find lottery tickets just a little bit too challenging. Surely Stan – good old sensible cynical savvy old Stan – isn’t seriously suggesting I go to this swindler’s website and get shafted by the dregs of humanity?’

Well, hold on a minute – let’s not go jumping to conclusions. Let’s give these people a fair crack of the whip. Just because they prey on feeble-minded imbeciles, lonely retards and desperate addicts doesn’t mean they’re bad people.

Now I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking, ‘Hold on a minute, isn’t 888Ladies.com owned by Cassava Enterprises, the Gibraltar-based company who also own another 69 (at last count) pretty much identical companies? The same company that were condemned by online casino watchdogs and had their certification revoked for refusing to stem the tide of their nefarious marketing activities – activities which include site scraping (essentially stealing content from other people’s websites so as to flood search engines with bogus sites which then redirect to gambling cess-pits) and blog spamming – essentially unleashing an avalanche of vapid, infuriating sewerage which basically transforms the greatest communicative and educational tool in the history of humankind into a heap of exploitative, soulless excrement?’

Um…

You’re thinking, ‘Isn’t Cassava Enterprises also a subsidiary of 888 Holdings plc which a) was floated in 2005 for an estimated £700m b) is one of the largest employers in Gibraltar (a location chosen solely for its piddling 1% gaming tax) c) pays its chief executive, Gigi Levy, an $841,000 salary, a figure dwarfed only by an annual bonus in excess of $1m, and yet d) is repeatedly blacklisted by watchdogs and slammed by users for ‘confiscating players' money for bogus reasons’, using malware to infect computers and generally stealing money from punters and refusing to pay them their legitimate winnings? And isn’t this also the same company who just a couple of months ago refused point blank to discuss the complaints of their users with watchdog sites or any third party dispute mediators?’

Well, yes, that may or may not be true. The evidence certainly seems to be stacked against them, I’ll give you that. However, odious reputation based on illegal and immoral activities to one side, it’s just a bit of bingo, for God’s sake. You know – bingo! Two fat ladies. Legs eleven. House! Where’s the harm in that? Plus, if you all click on the right links, I stand to make $80!

Now I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking, ‘Eighty dollars? Eighty fucking dollars? Are you really prepared to sell yourself out and rub your loyal readers’ noses in the faeces of online gambling for eighty measly shitting dollars? You probably won’t even get paid, you feckless sap.’

Now come on. I don’t mind you having a go at me, but don’t cast aspersions on the good character of Thomas Brown. He seems like a decent chap. Alright, so he can barely write a coherent sentence. So he has no conscience, no decency, no dignity, no humanity and no soul – but he’s just doing a job of work like anyone else.

Now I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking, ‘Oh, Stan. You blind, spineless dolt. Don’t you see that all that is necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men (and women) to do nothing? And furthermore that to play into their hands and promote this effluent, what you’re doing is actually no better than carrying out the orders of humanity’s greatest tyrants? Seriously, you’re no different to some jack-booted Nazi turning on the gas at Auschwitz. Don’t you see that? And this Thomas Brown shyster is essentially – and this is no exaggeration – he’s essentially the antichrist.’

Whoa, whoa, whoa there! That’s quite enough of that. You may make a valid point or two, but what you’re clearly forgetting is that with 888ladies.com, you can play bingo every hour all day long! Plus, join today and you get a £20 welcome bonus on your first £10!

Come on. You know it makes sense.

Let’s play!



So there you go. A little on the ‘edgy’ side perhaps, but certainly in the spirit of the blog, which I can only assume you had read carefully before offering me this opportunity.

I hope it’s OK, because frankly, I need the money.

I look forward to hearing from you.

Cheers!


Stan


I sent that yesterday and so far, I'm very disappointed to say, there has been no response.

Oh, Thomas. Not only have you let me down, but, more importantly, you're a cunt.

House!



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56 comments:

~~Silk said...

Bravo!

Panda said...

One of your best-ever posts daahling.

Your $80 reward will surely come to you in heaven...

Penelope said...

Genius! Agreed that this is one of the very best. Solid gold my son - as someone said once, in a film that I can't remember...whatever...
Bloody well done!

Luka said...

Superb.

I loved this, you're on fine form.

Apiaceae said...

I think this is possibly the best article I have ever read. You are my hero.

the fly in the web said...

Lovely...I can't wait for the moment when Tony Blair's PR people offer to pay you for posting something to assist his ascension to Euroheaven.

Antipo Déesse said...

If we all donate a dollar, you'll soon be be rolling in it, innit?

Litha said...

Poor misguided mr Brown. I would have loved to see the look on his face while reading your mail.

Well done Stan.

fourstar said...

Blimey, that was a little harsh...

...oh no, hang on, it wasn't. Excellent.

notkeith said...

Read that at work and burst out laughing at my desk, for which I entirely blame you. You owe me compensation for being the recipient of a baleful glare.

Megan said...

I got an email a bit like this actually. Except it was from a guy called David. But the gist was the same.

To be honest though, I couldn't be bothered.

Procasinators unite! Um... not now though.

Running Queen said...

I was having such a rubbish day (being told that you will be out of a job by the end of November seriously sucks) but that post has rescued me - it made me laugh despite the horrific predicament I am currently in.

Beleaguered Squirrel said...

I agree with all of the above, and unlike you am bereft of unique forms of expression. Oh well.

What's an RT?

ian said...

What everyone else has said.

graduatecalling said...

Woah-that is one of the best sales pitches I've ever read! I love it, and shall link it on my blog for you.

You should do the marketing for my local supermarket... in fact, with writing like that, you probably already are...

archivedmusicpress said...

This was brilliant. And very funny. In no way have you wasted your time. Or ours. As others have said, one of your best posts.

Zoe said...

great post.

Strangely, I couldn't bear to visit the bingo, so to ease my soul I bought your book instead

clumpf said...

I smiled all the way through that.

Oh to see Thomas's face as he read it. If he ever replies, you MUST tell us.

Now go and get your ears syringed. My husband was a pain in the arse before he had his done last week.

marsha said...

You just turned what was going to be a bad morning into an awesome one.

Very funny, thank you

xm

Larry Teabag said...

This is such fine work that I'm tempted to send you 80 quid myself. However, I notice that the fee should really cover a "regular post".

Therefore I'm prepared to make you an exclusive one-time offer, that if you continue your research into Tosspot productions and the world of online bingo, publishing daily updates, at a consistently similar word-count and level of humourousness, without omission for the next 15 years, then I shall pay you 80 pounds. (This offer will be void in the event of my forgetting or changing my mind.)

mrsean said...

Ah, dear me, the "House!" at the end had me laughing all morning.

Charles Frith said...

Ossum. Just Ossum.

mrsean said...

Incidentally how *would* someone persuade you to bring a subject to a wider audience by blogging on it?

The subject I have in mind is at first blush dull, technical, consumes hours to get to grips with the issue, may result in derisive cries and acrimonious comment from other people and institutions, and there's absolutely no money in it.

Tempted?

Aiko said...

Ditto the above. You're a very lovely man, I love your way with words. Keep it up :)

Darren said...

I was directed here from a discussion on whether Bloggers should disclose if they are being paid to write a post. I'm delighted I clicked. This is brilliantly funny.

*runs off to read more from this blog*

Darragh said...

Absolutely fantastic post. Fair play :)

Donna Deluso said...

You da man!!!!!!!!!

Andrew said...

Absolutely brilliant. I'm tempted to send you $80 for writing it. But I won't, as that might offend you.

Anonymous said...

Spectacular! You have earned 10000 karma points by not selling out to the despicable puss that would not even rate it as a politician. May your life be blessed.

Alan said...

Genius - goes up to 11 (out of 10, of course!).

couple said...

love your work !

Richeh said...

Maybe you should start a Paypal donation scheme for people who want you to continue telling avertisers to shit it up their cunter.

La Bête said...

Thanks, everybody. your lovely words make it all worthwhile.

BS, an RT is a retweet, like forwarding an email, but on Twitter. You see? Do you see?

Andy Beard said...

Don't forget to stick nofollow on the links to sites you don't trust

Rishil said...

Where is your donate button? i want to put money in there for this awesomeness of a post.

La Bête said...

Ha! I don't have one. Are you serious? Do you think I should get one? Maybe I will. Nothing to lose after all.

Right then. I bloody will. Don't go anywhere....

Rishil said...

@La Bête check it out http://search.twitter.com/search?q=http%3A%2F%2Ftwurl.nl%2Fbfzp0h

Sponsor button never hurts. A few extra quid here and there.

The Chimp said...

This is excellent! Poor Thomas - swing and a miss there I['m afraid.

Michael Bailey said...

brilliant!

Friday Girl said...

Excellent! Just donated a contribution of 1 Great British Pound which converts to 1.58 USD.

They should pay you. A link is a link and your post is positive - it made me laugh! :)

Jen Davis said...

Well written and well said!

AA said...

Amazing post!

Tim said...

Splendid AND tremendous

Anonymous said...

THat is very funny. I agree with you about 888 - you are exactly right about what you say about them. I work in the industry and the rumours are all true! This is brilliant. I hope Google sees this and their site gets penalised!

Anonymous said...

a glimmer of hope shines forth from the, well summed up, shower of shit that is the interspaz.
congratulations on a very good post indeed sir.

anarchyintheuk said...

great post

Carps said...

I'm secretly quite jealous that someone offered you fifty quid. I've earnt 42p from my blog in November.

42p, Stan.

How did you attract them? Do you waft bingo pheromones through the air wherever you walk? Just give me a tip man... anything

Bob said...

I smiled all the way through that.

Oh to see Thomas's face as he read it. If he ever replies, you MUST tell us.

Now go and get your ears syringed. My husband was a pain in the arse before he had his done last week.

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La Bête said...

Fair comment.

Online Casino said...

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Title: Horse Betting
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La Bête said...

Hohoho.

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TV Shows and Movies said...

Thanks for saving me a headache! I received almost the same exact message this afternoon, please read below;

We, in Topspot-Promotions, are glad to offer you payment on behalf of one of our clients for the publication of a small advertisement on tvshowandmovies.blogspot.com.
We would like to inform you that we are using a few advertising methods according to the selected website.
While reviewing your website I thought of a great way to advertise on tvshowandmovies.blogspot.com so it will fit it perfectly.

Please contact me and I'll be happy to provide you with more details. My email is ann.price@topspot-promotions.net.

*If you have other websites which I can review for advertising please send me their URLs as well.

Best Regards,
Ann Price
Advertising Specialist
ann.price@topspot-promotions.net

To permanently delete yourself from our list, simply reply to this with a blank email and you will never receive any communication from us in the future.

The e-mail was so convincing, wasn't it? I was about to reply but then I did a search on Google and DANG IT scam popp-up on the search results. That was how I found your blog, I can finally forget about them, or do I reply them with a bunch of insults? or just leave 'em alone? Thank You!