So, a few days ago I was contacted by one Thomas Brown asking me if I’d be interested in placing a little text ad on my blog in exchange for wonga. Brown works for Topspot Promotions, which essentially, is a kind of perversely legitimate virus which spreads virtual cancer throughout the internet. However, as I’m on the verge of declaring myself bankrupt, I thought I might as well take my principles and general anti-capitalist, anti-marketing standpoint and shove them up my adolescent broke ass. So I wrote to Thomas, asking him what he had in mind. ‘Let's talk numbers,’ I said. ‘How much can you give me up front?’
Thomas replied, saying, ‘We are willing to pay you a one-time fee of $80 for writing a regular post (in the spirit of the rest of your blog’s posts) which will include a paragraph that will describe my client’s website and its services.’
Now, in this day and age, what with the pound lying in the gutter with its entrails hanging out and me in a really quite terrifying amount of debt, I thought, well, $80 is not to be sneezed at, especially if I could write the promotional post in the spirit of the rest of my blog. Thomas had obviously seen my blog and realised that my tone was a good fit with his client’s product. So I asked for more details.
Thomas wrote back, explaining that his client was an online bingo company called 888ladies.com. Hmmm, I thought. Sounds right up my alley. Thomas continued…
‘The post of course should be about online bingo and should include, as mentioned, information about my client’s website an services. You can write the post as you want as long as it will be positive. I don’t want to limit you but of course that the longer the post will be it will be better.
Once the post will be ready you can send it to me and I’ll show you where I want to place the links (from which words).
I look forward to hearing your thoughts.’
So, even though I had a million other things to do – get a job, write a bestseller, get Paul McKenna to hypnotise me to stop smoking, get my ears syringed, get my piles waxed, honestly, the list really is endless – I decided to spend some time on my positive promotional bingo post. It took me bloody ages too, but I think in the end I got the tone right. This is what I sent...
I have decided to take you up on your generous offer and so include below my first post for your perusal. I hope it’s not too irreverent…
If you’re anything like me, you’ll be wondering what went wrong with your life. Here you are, rapidly approaching middle-age and what have you got to show for it? Stretchmarks, fat ears, unwaxed piles and a wasted life spent predominantly alone wanking into an old sock and wondering why no-one’s buying your really quite remarkable book.
But fear not, for help is at hand in the form of a really quite excellent online bingo site called 888ladies.com.
Now I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking, ‘Hello. What’s all this? Has Stan lost his blinking benkers? What’s all this about online bingo? Everyone knows it’s a mug’s game – essentially Stupid Tax for people who find lottery tickets just a little bit too challenging. Surely Stan – good old sensible cynical savvy old Stan – isn’t seriously suggesting I go to this swindler’s website and get shafted by the dregs of humanity?’
Well, hold on a minute – let’s not go jumping to conclusions. Let’s give these people a fair crack of the whip. Just because they prey on feeble-minded imbeciles, lonely retards and desperate addicts doesn’t mean they’re bad people.
Now I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking, ‘Hold on a minute, isn’t 888Ladies.com owned by Cassava Enterprises, the Gibraltar-based company who also own another 69 (at last count) pretty much identical companies? The same company that were condemned by online casino watchdogs and had their certification revoked for refusing to stem the tide of their nefarious marketing activities – activities which include site scraping (essentially stealing content from other people’s websites so as to flood search engines with bogus sites which then redirect to gambling cess-pits) and blog spamming – essentially unleashing an avalanche of vapid, infuriating sewerage which basically transforms the greatest communicative and educational tool in the history of humankind into a heap of exploitative, soulless excrement?’
You’re thinking, ‘Isn’t Cassava Enterprises also a subsidiary of 888 Holdings plc which a) was floated in 2005 for an estimated £700m b) is one of the largest employers in Gibraltar (a location chosen solely for its piddling 1% gaming tax) c) pays its chief executive, Gigi Levy, an $841,000 salary, a figure dwarfed only by an annual bonus in excess of $1m, and yet d) is repeatedly blacklisted by watchdogs and slammed by users for ‘confiscating players' money for bogus reasons’, using malware to infect computers and generally stealing money from punters and refusing to pay them their legitimate winnings? And isn’t this also the same company who just a couple of months ago refused point blank to discuss the complaints of their users with watchdog sites or any third party dispute mediators?’
Well, yes, that may or may not be true. The evidence certainly seems to be stacked against them, I’ll give you that. However, odious reputation based on illegal and immoral activities to one side, it’s just a bit of bingo, for God’s sake. You know – bingo! Two fat ladies. Legs eleven. House! Where’s the harm in that? Plus, if you all click on the right links, I stand to make $80!
Now I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking, ‘Eighty dollars? Eighty fucking dollars? Are you really prepared to sell yourself out and rub your loyal readers’ noses in the faeces of online gambling for eighty measly shitting dollars? You probably won’t even get paid, you feckless sap.’
Now come on. I don’t mind you having a go at me, but don’t cast aspersions on the good character of Thomas Brown. He seems like a decent chap. Alright, so he can barely write a coherent sentence. So he has no conscience, no decency, no dignity, no humanity and no soul – but he’s just doing a job of work like anyone else.
Now I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking, ‘Oh, Stan. You blind, spineless dolt. Don’t you see that all that is necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men (and women) to do nothing? And furthermore that to play into their hands and promote this effluent, what you’re doing is actually no better than carrying out the orders of humanity’s greatest tyrants? Seriously, you’re no different to some jack-booted Nazi turning on the gas at Auschwitz. Don’t you see that? And this Thomas Brown shyster is essentially – and this is no exaggeration – he’s essentially the antichrist.’
Whoa, whoa, whoa there! That’s quite enough of that. You may make a valid point or two, but what you’re clearly forgetting is that with 888ladies.com, you can play bingo every hour all day long! Plus, join today and you get a £20 welcome bonus on your first £10!
Come on. You know it makes sense.
So there you go. A little on the ‘edgy’ side perhaps, but certainly in the spirit of the blog, which I can only assume you had read carefully before offering me this opportunity.
I hope it’s OK, because frankly, I need the money.
I look forward to hearing from you.
I sent that yesterday and so far, I'm very disappointed to say, there has been no response.
Oh, Thomas. Not only have you let me down, but, more importantly, you're a cunt.