Monday, 1 September 2008

Fresh Start No. 12,876 :: The Big Push

bulk :: 17st 1
cigarettes smoked :: 0
joints smoked :: 0
alcohol units taken :: 50
osteopathic beatings :: 1
chiropractic diddlings :: 0
runs run :: 0
swims swum :: 0
stretch sessions stretched :: 6
gyms joined :: 1
training programmes drawn up :: 1
gym sessions enjoyed :: 1 (enjoyed might be stretching it)
wishlist alerts :: 2 (enormous rubber ball for rolling around on, bidet)
days passed without blogging :: 18
days passed without thinking of blogging :: 0
responses from Virgin Media :: 2
satisfactory responses from Virgin Media :: 0
books read :: 2
lists made :: 12
new blogs launched :: 2
promises made :: legion
fingers crossed :: 8
toes crossed :: 0 (fat toes)
laptops rescued :: 0
laptops replaced :: 1
parents traced :: 1
trips to Brighton :: 2
London rendezvous :: 2
unseasonal blues :: 1
predictable pinks :: 1
fresh starts :: 3

Well, that was a few weeks well wasted.

How are you? You’re looking well, I must say. You look great in fact. Your eyes are shining. In fact, your whole body is practically fizzing with energy, like there’s some inner light seeping out through every pore and orifice. And… is that… have you been working out?

But enough about you.


It’s been a while. Nearly three weeks in fact. Nearly three weeks in which I’ve discovered one very important thing. What I’ve discovered is that although life definitely does goes on when you don’t spend most of your day plugged into the internet, nobody really notices. Therefore, I ask you, is it really life?

Or in other words, if a blogger posts a story about a tree falling in a forest and no one actually reads it, what’s the fucking point? Eh?

Anyhow, as you can see from you above stats, I am officially a giant fatty again. In the last three weeks, I’ve managed to put on over a stone in weight, simply by doing next to nothing and eating like a stoned pig. (Although I haven’t been stoned, I hasten to add. Merely unpleasantly piglike.)

It’s weird. From the moment I knew I wasn’t going to be blogging again till September, I just thought, ‘Fuck it’ and strapped on a nose bag.

Pathetic. I hate compulsive behaviour. I hate being out of control. Even if it is, as in this case, a pseudo-controlled lack of control. Inasmuch as I gave myself 18 days to stop caring, to drop out of the regime I’d already let slide laughably, and do whatever I liked. Christ. I could’ve written a book in that time. A short one perhaps, but a book nonetheless. At the very least, I could have written a good few blog posts – maybe attempted to rewrite some of the stuff I’d lost in the flood. But I didn’t. I ate pizza. I ate cake and rice pudding. Ice cream and Sugar Puffs. I even ate a kebab, for heaven’s sake. I watched TV. And crap films - Sex and the City - God forgive me – a film that makes Mamma Mia look like The Sound of Music. I played Guitar Hero. I looked at the rain. I indulged myself. I pitied myself. I loathed myself. In that order. As I say, pathetic.

However, I also got a few things done, some of which I’ll be boasting about over the coming days and weeks.

Suffice - for now - to say, I have joined a gym and have started using it; I have started two new blogs, one in which I talk about the weather (I have no idea why – it’s quite possible I am having a nervous breakdown); the other in which I post desperately amusing examples of dodgy English.

What else? My laptop was tended to by various experts. It underwent numerous operations and experimental procedures, most of which tallied with some of the very helpful suggestions in the comments to the previous post. But all to no avail. So I gave up and bought a new one. I’m not sure I felt the sense of lightness some of you predicted on giving up on all the old stuff, but I certainly felt an enormous elation on becoming acquainted with my new jet black Mac. It’s a Notebook. And it's genuinely lovely.

In other news, I haven’t seen much of Keith of late, which leaves me feeling a little weird. If I’m completely honest, it makes me feel a little bit jealous and a little bit lonely, and I think I just feel weird about admitting it. Better out than in though. Also, when I have seen him, he is clearly very happy with his special lady, so obviously I have nothing but good wishes for him. They're even off to the Lakes tomorrow. The Lakes! In September!

Not that I’ve been entirely on my own of course. I have been spending a bit of time with my sweet-hearted fuck-friend Morag. More time perhaps than you might think strictly healthy for a copulation-based arrangement, but I have no regrets. We have fun.

I also made enquiries about my father, and have been surprised by my discoveries.

And also, worth repeating, I've finally joined a gym.

Oh yes. Fresh start, here I come.

But for now, sleep.

Before I go however, a massive thank you to everyone who's left comments and kind words in the last few weeks. Made me really happy.


It’s good to be back.

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Anonymous said...

a blog about the weather? interesting... welcome back!!

Anonymous said...

I'm shouting my joy at your return from a mountain top or rather, I am sitting in my living room on the evil internet, but I am shouting from the mountain top of my soul. ;-)

Congrats on the new sleek notebook, trysts with Morag, and your nervous breakdown. You know, not just anyone gets to have one of those.

It doesn't matter how many times you have to start over, what matters is that the desire hasn't left.

Take care of yourself and I can't wait to hear you gloat about
the things you've done in your absence ((which, was entirely too long)

Sharon said...

Well, thank fuck you're back. I was getting tired of checking and seeing that turtle.

Welcome home!

Anonymous said...

Welcome back - you were missed :)

Anonymous said...


Misssy M said...

Blogging is part of real life. I hate it when people whose stuff I like stop blogging or even have a hiatus as you have done. I often think I'm the blogger's curse. Within months of me discovering someone's blog that I enjoy, they give up never to return.

But you're back and judging by your stats I'm guessing there's another fabulous letter to be written to Virgin (amongst other things). I look forward to it.

Anonymous said...

A stone. In 3 weeks! Ye Gods. I like the sound of a blog about the weather. Did you ever hear the Alan Parker version of Little Fluffy Clouds?

"What were the skies like when you were young?"

"Grey, monotonous. I grew up in Watford and the weather was shit"

Unless blogs are helmed by brilliant writers they need a theme. And blogs with a theme helmed by brilliant writers (you!) shall surely stars on a clear, crisp cloudless night.

Mr. Fermata x

Boz said...

Awesome. Excellent. And well done.

Anonymous said...

Bonjour La Bête

3 blogs to follow, read and comment! My boss is not going to thank you...

Uncle Did

Anonymous said...

Yayy!! Welcome back! Dying to hear all your news.

Anonymous said...

I'm a newbie here, but was disenchanted by the flood, but I'm glad you're back on. Love your style. I've embraced my extra stone and that took years.

Anonymous said...

Bête! Thank God you're back. Internet-based procrastination has been pointless and illiterate without you. And TWO NEW BLOGS? Were it not for your rather staunch views about Christianity, I would positively snog you with joy.


Larry Teabag said...

Hey there.

Small thing - can you amend my comment in your sidebar? It says

"gre at"

I'm worried that people will think I talk like that overcooked geordie who commentates big brother.

La Bête said...

Awww, it's like the first day back at school. Not my school obviously, but a nice school,in the 50s, on the telly.

Larry :: Done! Well spotted. Treat yourself to a fishy on a little dishy.

Larry Teabag said...

Nah - the boat hasn't come in yet. Thanks.

Anonymous said...

Speaking of sidebar comments, I don't think I did actually sign off that 'power to your elbow(s)' message with the extended nob reference. I'm sure that came later, with a different comment.

I think the comment used there was just signed off as EasyEyes. But I'm not really bothered either way. Just a little bored right now. Can you tell?

Anyway, we're all glad you're back. It was the dog hunting threat that kicked you into action, right?

Anonymous said...

Welcome back! My life has meaning again. But buggeration about the weight. If you're going to put on a stone, at least eat some decent food. Sugar Puffs, for God's sake? I mean, really.

How's the anus, by the way?

Walter said...

Your return has thus far been the highlight of my day.

Non Je Ne Regrette Rien said...

I love folks who have no regrets. They are truly my people. Oh and might I say, about fucking time you fucking wanker. I mean really all of that and we find you've been doing naught but slacking off? really, the nerve!

but hell, at least I got rid of my jones. get busy now. entertain me, and do it well.

Anonymous said...

Thank fuck you're back.Good luck with your various new starts - weight, exercise,blogs.I'm looking forward to hearing lots more about the time you were away.Please don't go away again.

Unknown said...

These new blogs risk diluting the 'Bete' brand.

Anonymous said...

Sharon you mentioned the damned turtle and for that I admire you whole heartedly!

If I never see that picture again, it will be too soon.

Rose said...

Welcome back! We missed you.

Anonymous said...

I love your blog and I'm so glad you're posting again!
Jennifer, Portland, OR, USA.

Anonymous said...

I agree with Michael.

Anonymous said...

So glad you're back, I may have been away and offline for two weeks but I was often wondering if you'd any good news re laptop or if you were hopefully back blogging. Hurrah! Now I want to know where I am meant to find the time to read all 3 of your blogs, I can't miss out, must change my priorities I think so I can fit all your bits (I don't feel like typing blogs (oops I just did) again) in as I'd hate to miss out. Hope you don't mind, I recommended you on a forum last night. That was before I realised you were back. Welcome back Mr. xxx
(sorry to be so rambly)

Anonymous said...

Good to see you back. I'm a fairly new reader but hooked on your blog already.

All the best