Sunday, 28 December 2008

Christmas Feedback :: Oiling The Festive Perineum

bulk :: nah, let’s not get into that just now. It’s really not relevant. This is a time of hedonism and self-indulgence, not asceticism and abstention. Really. Don't even think of it.
alcohol units :: really, let’s just skip the rest of this, eh? Yeah, we can start this again next year, maybe. We’ll see.

This blog post comes to you direct from deep within the puckered folds of the Festive Perineum, that tender temporal crease which ties Boxing Day to New Year’s Eve. A strangely timeless time in which normal rules of engagement don’t really apply and all flesh seems of its own accord to expand miraculously. The Festive Perineum is enjoyed to its fullest of course, when massaged gently with the languorous tongue of Free Time and, ideally, intermittently prodded with the well-lubricated fingertip of Sybaritic Indulgence.

I think I’ve probably stretched the perineum metaphor far enough there. Stretch it too far of course, and it snaps, and that’s something you don’t want to happen, for when the Festive Perineum snaps, the guts of the entire year spill out onto the floor, making a terrible, untimely mess. Then you have to suffer the hideous indignity of having the whole year stuffed back in the year hole and the year hole stitched up again. It’s extremely uncomfortable I hear, and you have to spend the first few months of the next year learning how to walk again.

So be careful. But not so careful that you don’t enjoy it, as it’s probably the freest you’ll ever feel without leaving the country.

Speaking of which, in a couple of days, I’ll be leaving the country. Nothing drastic or permanent – not even a place where I have to take a phrase book. I’m off to Scotland! To spend a few days and see in the new year with Morag’s dad, stepmum and three half-brothers. I have to admit, it’s kind of daunting, but then I’ve been daunted a lot recently, and the fact that I’ve managed to get to the other side intact gives me hope that this will be OK too. I’m not entirely sure what the plan is yet, but there have been rumblings of some kind of road trip. I’m assured it will be ‘gey braw’ and that I oughtn’t ‘girn’ or ‘greet’. I think I might get hold of a phrase book anyway, just to be on the safe side.

Finally, Morag and I received an unexpected late Christmas gift this morning. I’m not going to say what it was because it’s a little raw and personal, but it made me shed a little tear. Still, no harm done. And now I know what I want for next Christmas.

So, I hope you’re all enjoying the Festive Perineum as much as I am and that you’re all giving it proper laldy.


PS. Whatever you do, do not do a Google image search for the word 'perineum'. Now I must go and cleanse my mind.

Share on Facebook! Digg this


Shimacat said...

Scotland for New Year, eh? We say 'Hogmanay' up here, you know, and don't even think about offering anyone a cheery greeting on the first. Wait until the hangover subsides on the second.

And I hope you get what you want for next Christmas, then, but one of those is quite a bit more trouble than a cat.

Anonymous said...

hypothetically speaking, of course, do you know what to do if your festive perineum is, let's say, itchy and red? scaly patches of family residue, maybe, that irritate and bother?

Anonymous said...

i AM ABSOLUTELY SMASHED ON PORT oops sorry um my word verification is ochant

I'm not making sense...


i'll go then

Anonymous said...

Glad you're enjoying your festive perineum and indeed that you're venturing north of the border! It's not that bad really, and phrasebook-wise, just look over a copy of trainspotting ;)

Cat said...

If Morag's family ask you to leave the house at midnight, then come back in with a lump of coal just after the bells, you can rest assured they consider you tall, dark and handsome. We get an extra day's holiday here to rid ourselves of the hangovers - be warned, we do Hogmanay in style in Scotland...

(Blimey - comment moderation is "suffer". I hope that's not a prediction. I don't think I've ever seen a real word there before.)

Anonymous said...


I thought I'd leave what I believe to be my first comment even though I have been reading this blog from your second post (I promise!)

Firstly congrats on everything you've achieved, reading along with your life events has really been very enjoyable as well as heart wrenching and I must admit I have let out a little wee from time to time, particularly at the cat-Marmite fiasco....And so have half my office as I have told them to check it out!

Anyhoo, on topic, I'm Glaswegian! So if any phraseology is needed to impresses the potential in-laws(eh eh) I can assist.

Good luck with everything, keep on truckin'


Anonymous said...

Oh. Oh. You had to tell me not to search...


Tim Footman said...

Raw presents are usually to be avoided. Pierce the thigh to ensure juices run clear.

get in here said...


Anonymous said...

I just got back from Scotland. I have Scottish inlaws. It was nice.

If I understood your refernece to late Xmas presents, then, blimey! You don't hang about, do you?? But, you know, commiserations an' all that.