Monday, 9 November 2009

The Opposite of Journalism

I went out crusting today so chanced upon the Metro and read this faecal guff. It's the penultimate sentence that really tweaked my spleen.

And don't tell me that he's just saying what other people have said, because that's not good enough. It'd be like saying that other people have pointed out that badgers are allergic to marzipan, without questioning it, or that Canada is the capital of Vombekistan, without questioning it, or that Thora Hird is the opposite of Boutros Boutros-Cackamuffin, without questioning it.

Lose lose lose lose lose, motherfucker.

Ooh, I could colonise a cheesecake.

Do excuse me. I've given up smoking. Coming up to the end of my third day. I've just been drinking in company too, which was the real test. And a friend is on his way over with sausages and cabbage now, so obviously there will be more wine, therefore more temptation.

Years ago I met an Australian who, when I mentioned that I was having difficulty giving up smoking, said: 'Just stop putting the things in your mouth.' He said it with a really oily smugness too, which made me absolutely livid. His name was Jojo. And that was his real name. The jerk.

Anyway, this post has no theme. I just want Tom Phillips to apologise and never write another word and I want Jojo to get hooked on the horse. AND I WANT A FUCKING CIGARETTE!

Aaah, I feel better having vented.

I thank you.

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Anonymous said...

On the internet, the opposite of Fail is Win. As in "Goatse FTW (For Teh Win)".

Good luck kicking the coffin nails. I've heard the patches give one quite vivid dreams.

Talk about Turkey said...

this was what tweaked MY spleen last week:

'He was very special and people are just devastated.'

It's a fucking rodent!

Tom Phillips said...

Sorry. Is it any consolation if I say that I wrote that while really wanting a fucking cigarette too?

Anyway, I was rather hoping that my feelings about people who bother arguing over what the opposite of "fail" is (i.e. they are dreadful and should stop) came through in the subtext there. But clearly they didn't. Ah well. Once again, sorry.

bsg said...

I knew a Jojo, who was an Australian, too. Probably not the same one but I had the same level of disdain for him. In fact, probably more as the mere mention of his name has steam coming out of my ears and I'm not even giving up smoking.

La Bête said...

NK, tsk. Teh internet is not some special place where teh rules of teh universe do not apply. You're thinking of Tehran.

Awwwwwwww, Amy. My favourite bit is: 'We made a little grave for him with a little wooden cross.' They must have thought he was Opus Dei, like the albino monk.

TP, I wish that was really you. On the off-chance that it actually is, hello, and think nothing of it. We all have rotten old day jobs to do and I'm sure you're under a lot of time-pressure which means you're not always permitted to do it to the best of your ability. 'Well-known' should be hyphenated by the way. Oh, just slap me.

BSG, you should give up smoking, and steaming too. I'm sure they're both equally bad for you.

B said...

Hmmmm. My 'friend' said it was easy to give up, just don't have another cigarette. She is still my friend but things between us will never be the same.
I've given up a few times, all to varying success. The worst was Allen Carr (God, that book enraged me, and I don't care if that's not how you spell his name). I gave up for nearly two years after a smug ex-smoker-anti-smoker jeweller friend of mine bet me that I couldn't - I was to get a ring if I could keep off for 12 months. I still have the ring. I started again when the smoking ban came in, in protest, and then I lost the diamond out of the ring. Pffft.

My lecturer has given up and smokes those electric fags all through class - they have a smoke of sorts that comes out of them and everything. I think if I give up again I'm going to try them, they truly annoy just like real cigarettes.

Good luck in your plight. I really enjoy your blog. If you do feel the need to stuff something in your mouth try a biro lid or something equally non-calorific.

Anonymous said...

I quit smoking almost three years ago. The first three months were a dark horrible tunnel of despair, but it was absolutely worth it. You can do it!
Portland, OR

terry said...

i have recently given up the fags as well.. im sorry to inform you of this sad fact, but jojo was correct, and in reality all one one must do is WANT to quit. once that hard part is accepted, it is quite easy to stop putting them in your mouth.

i luckily (if you can somehow justify referring to crushing your leg as lucky) had the further motivation of a severely commuted fracture of my tib /fib. fagging it up evidently keeps fractures from knitting.

im reminded of a joke my father used to tell about giving up cigars.. had something to do with keeping them in your bum until you are ready to smoke them.

the butt of the joke is that the guy could no longer enjoy a cigar without first inserting something into his rectum..

laughter makes quitting easier too..