Thursday, 20 August 2009

Fashion Bible Tells Bag-Headed Blogger 'Pull Yourself Together!'

There’s Victoria Beckham, looking like a stick insect in a concentration camp. There’s Keith Richards’ daughters, looking like… well, alarmingly like Keith Richards actually. There’s Brad and Angelina, apparently displaying ‘no sexual chemistry’. And then there’s me. I’ve finally made it to the glossy pages, where the beautiful people live. Only to be told: ‘Stop whining!’

Well, more or less. Fiona McIntosh, who, according to a friend in fashion, ‘is HUGELY important’, says: ‘It’s not Stan’s unfortunate looks that have women running for the fire exit, it’s his rock bottom self-esteem.’ She goes on to describe the book of my life as ‘Stan Cattermole’s moany old book’. Ouch.

Ouch, but also, wow. Ms McIntosh has clearly read the Daily Mail piece from a couple of weeks ago, but I'm guessing she hasn't read any of my own actual words, yet still she’s managed, with stiletto-like astuteness, to hit the ghastly nail of my griping, bellyaching soul squarely on its self-indulgent head. You’re right, Fiona! And just having a fashion torchbearer like yourself point that out has made me feel so, so, so very much worse. You thought my self-esteem was bad before. You should see what I think of myself now. I’m practically ready to give self-harm another crack. Oh, woe. I am a worm! A turd-blossom! A worthless bag-headed miserablist!

Oh, Fiona. Give me a chance to redeem myself. I beg you. Let me write a column for your illustrious magazine. ‘Beauty Tips for Vacuous Women’. Something like that. Go on. I dare you.

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Nicky said...

Heheheh - she is patently a horse's arse! (my apologies to any horses offended during the posting of this comment)

Mojorita said...

I can't even say what I think of that woman! Let's keep it G rated. I know it would be difficult to not let this affect you, but she really is not worth it! You are positively right Stan in your conviction. The world is fixated on looks, although there is a small population who know better.

I went through similar torment at school, and I think you do eventually get to a point where you are comfortable just being youself, it's just the emotional scarring that doesn't seem to go away, that is what SHE doesn't seem to understand. You didn't get to this point of having low self-esteem on your own, other people have contributed to that.

An example is a comment a friend made to me, remember this is coming from a girl who is quite attractive (according to society), & hasn't been subjected to any kind of ridicule. She said to me one day, "do you think Jennifer was ever good enough for Brad?" WTF? It's bloody Jennifer Aniston! give the girl a break!!!

You don't need to pull yourself together Stan, your very much together already. Your an absolute sweetie, a beautiful, and compassionate person, keep pushing through it.

lv ya -xox-

Sorry for the spelling, shouldn't drink & type!

LilLadyJo88 said...

I don't agree with her, I actually think you have quite a nice outlook on life, you seem to have a great sense of humour, and ok you may have your down days but thats human nature! I do agree with point that personality is important but to me thats common sense, no one would be happy with a brad pitt lookalike if they were dull and no fun to be around! Having been an ugly she kid/teen (I am know angelina now mind :P ,) I do think it has made me a better person, I am a great believer that looks are not the be all and end all in life (although would Megan fox's glorious acting "talent" lol have been noticed if she looked differently, probably not but thats hollywood!) In the real world personality is key. :D I have liked some "mingers" as my friends have put it but they were nice and made me laugh and therefore I found them attractive!
I find blog/book witty and entertaining, and an interesting read so let the fashonista have her say :P she lives in a shallow world anyway!!

La Bête said...

Thanks, you guys, but honestly, I'm absolutely fine - as in not at all offended by that article. I thought it was funny. A bit lazy, and kind of dumb, but funny nonetheless.

Mrs. Holly Hall said...


this is awesome! you getting publicity next to sharon osbourne.

hope this does absolute wonders for sales. now, if Posh could just been photographed carrying your book . . . .


one more thing.

SHARON'S memoir, "Extreme".

One of the best reads I have EVER read.

and considering I have read 300 autobiograhies/memoirs, that's saying something


LilLadyJo88 said...

well at least you can put it in the "any publicity is goos publicity," bubble :D

AndrewM said...

She's right.

You need to buck up.

And go down the pub.

La Bête said...

Crikey, Mrs H. You got all excited there. I don’t think Posh could carry my book, judging by the state of her arms at the moment.

LLJ, yes, I have heard that. As well as ‘what’s good for the goos publicity is always worth a gander’.

Can’t go down the pub, Andy, my boy, because it’s ever so slightly sad going to the pub on your own. Instead I’m going to go and see Inglourious Basterds on my own. Just as soon as I’ve eaten this GIANT SALAD.

the fly in the web said...

Do try not to excite support and compassion in your readership only to crush the contributers with your airy dismissal of the article you use to excite same...

gongman said...

Bete...a practical exercise.

Take a sheet of A4 paper.Draw a vertical line down the middle.Label the left hand column "Negative reviews".Now label the right hand column "Positive reviews" I see you are catching onto the idea already,as befits a man of your intelligence.
When one of the columns fills up take another sheet of paper and continue.And do let us know which side needed more space than the other :)

If one column becomes excessively longer than the other you could always think of using a roll of wallpaper by the way.

Anonymous said...

She clearly has not read your book. Bad journalism, indeed. She says you are full of self-loathing, which couldn't be further from the truth. Besides, her column is vacuous. It doesn't say anything remarkable or thought-provoking.

Stan, if it's any consolation, we all know, to varying degrees, the feeling of unrequited affection, loneliness and a bruised self-esteem. At the beginning of the year I met and dated a man for two very short months. I was not prepared by how deeply I would feel for him. Sadly it ended because he felt - after we got to know one another, had dinner, had chats, spent time together, held hands and shagged - that he actually didn't fancy me.

While I appreciate his honestly, I wasn't prepared for how much that would wound me and I don't think I've been the same since. I am acutely aware that there is nothing about me he finds appealing.

You have felt that kind of rejection all your life and I am amazed you carry on. I am astounded you still have a glimmer of hope that you'll some day find 'her'. All the credit to you!

The difference between you and most people is that you are self-deprecating, not self-loathing; that you are brutally honest, which makes British people wince; and that you have the balls to verbalise what most people deny ever feeling.

I too spend most of my time alone and most days it's fine, but there are days when I am aware just how alone I am and it takes my breath away. I know how you feel.

I'm going to see Inglorious Basterds on Saturday, in fact - alone.

You're a lovely, adorable man, a brilliant writer and an amazing talent. I've said it before, you are more beautiful than you know.

A Twitter friend

Anonymous said...

horrors! call her immediately and tell her you're switching out the paper bag... for one made of plastic!

Henk Van Vleck said...

to be fair you have been known and you know you have been known to have a bit of a moan though:

Anonymous said...

A Twitter friend, what a lovely post that was.


Alright Tit said...

'Moany old book'? Purlease. That column is sloppier than a wet shit.

If Fiona McIntosh is, as your friend says, 'HUGELY important', then journalism is truly on its arse.


La Bête said...

Web-fly, I’m not sure exactly what I’ve done wrong, but I’m terribly sorry.

I’m not so sure your practical exercise is that practical, Gongman. Instead I’ve decided to get on with some writing.

Hi, Twitter Friend. Thanks so much for your comment. You say some very beautiful things and I am indebted to you. However, to be fair, in all honesty, I am a little full of self-loathing. Maybe a quarter? But most days I manage to climb on top of it and stamp it to the ground. Sorry to hear about your experience at the beginning of the year. I hope things pick up for you. Keep hope alive. x

Hey, Daisy. Um… OK!

Henk, I know! I wasn’t joking when I said Fiona had hit the nail. I was merely exaggerating to slightly hide the painful truth.

Yo, Welly. Innit?

La Bête said...

Cheers, AT. I fear it probably is. Moan moan moan.

hayli said...

Whats even more dumb then what has been said... is that fact that its been said by a 'fashion bible'!

One things thats always annoyed me and ive had to grow up listening to it... is when people... like this lady... slag down and trample on something you are proud of... for you it was your book and for me it was, as a child, not caring about how i looked... and then these people try to justify their pathetic comments as 'constructive critisism' HAHA no its bloody not!

but then you realise ...even though at the time... the comments hurt you... after, you get to look back and laugh your head off at them for how wrong they are :)

good luck with future comments ;) lol x

lilianavonk said...

One of my favourite quotes--which in fact was uttered by my ex-fiancé--is this: "Habitual contempt does not denote a higher sensibility."

Wish someone would send Ms. McIntosh that memo.

Glad you see that for the bullshit it was, though, and I'll say it again--any chica would be lucky to have such a wonderfully warm and funny fella as you. ♥

OOAK babies by Mina said...

ahh she probably ran out of crap to write about and you happened to cross her path. Would love to know what crap she has in her closets, at least you're out in the open.

Great blog, my sister 'recommended' you ;)

OOAK babies by Mina said...

oh by the way, FFS Heck van vlenk...stand up right now and swear on your grave you have NEVER complained/moaned/sulked/discussed a dissatisfaction in your life. I would highly doubt it.
Some like to call it 'moaning'. I like to call it venting, which is good therapy :)

Andrea said...

Well if Sharon Osbourne thinks she's worked on her personality I'd have hated to have met her beforehand, she's vile.

Ian said...

Ha. You've got your revenge. Your blog post is eminently more readable than her painful effort.

A Moerse Adventure said...

I would'nt take anyone who could'nt even spell my name correctly very seriously - see green inset on pic. You go boy! Great blog...Love your sense of humour!

Henk said...


I'm so sorry, no offence intended. It was a light-hearted tease meant in the most jovial manner.

I was originally going to take a different tack on this response starting with "whoa whoa whoa lady, cool your jets..." but then I saw what you do for a living and the little switch flipped in my brain that drew my attention to the oath you would have me swear on my own grave. I don't have one and I'm not looking to acquire shortly.

Please forgive my insolence, or at the very least don't kill or injure me.

Swineshead said...

I read that as 'torch-beaver' at first. Had to double-check, and was mighty relieved.

OOAK babies by Mina said...

Henk, I am not offended :) Trust me it's a full moon this week and I tend to get overprotective.
The whole idea of Stan's blog IS to vent, SO he can feel better.

I promise not to harm you in any way, unless that's what you really want.
I better go before Stan slaps a restraining order on me, then it will screw my chances of visiting England altogether. I have been quite active on his public spaces lately. ;)

You're a funny bastard by the way

Innocent Loverboy said...

I've always thought low self-esteem can be a very witty thing, if you get it right. You always have.