Monday, 17 August 2009

The Ugly Death of Serendipity (A First Date)

A couple of people have asked me how my date went on Friday. Well, I’m going to let Slinkachu help me answer. Click on the image for more clarity.

It didn’t go quite as badly as this…



Nor - thank God - did it go quite as badly as this…



In fact, it actually went quite well. In a way. We certainly got on very well - as well as we had on the phone during the couple of weeks we talked before we actually met. And I certainly found her very attractive - attractive enough to want to vigorously do her until my infinitives split and we both fell to the floor, spent and weeping. So I guess the only thing that went wrong was that just a few days before our date, she met someone else she thinks she might want more.

Funny, huh? It’s like the opposite of serendipity. Shit for luck, I think is the technical, literary name.

So I met up with some friends on Saturday and with the use of various natural and not so natural substances, achieved some really quite epic levels of intoxication. When I explained what had happened on my date, one friend seemed to take great pleasure in pointing out that in a sense, I had been dumped before we’d even met. He found this very amusing. As did all the other men present, who roared with laughter, their heartless, gloating, brutish faces twisted like gargoyles, gargling bile. Men are awful. Men are the reason women exist. I was wondering. Now I realise.

Perhaps the most annoying part of the whole situation is that the woman in question – we should probably give her a name, just in case she pops up again; let’s call her Chlamydia – no, no, that sounds like I’m being mean. Let’s call her Lisa. And let’s say that, like Gillian in Talking It Over, Lisa is a picture restorer. Yes, why not. She kind of is, in a sense. So – perhaps the most annoying part of it is that Lisa isn’t sure whether she wants to pursue this other – younger, better-looking – chap, or not. So I’m kind of left hanging on while she decides.

Which means, as far as I can see, there are now two options available to me.

1. I say, ‘Pshaw! Fuck this. I’m not hanging around like a second-rate dessert on the off-chance that this woman is still hungry enough to stuff me in her beautiful gob when she’s worked her way through the rest of the cake shop. I HAVE MY PRIDE, GODDAMNIT! To hell with her.’

2. I decide to try and sway this woman in my direction with a heady blend of flattering gestures and masculine wiles – not massively easy from 300 miles away, however; not without some sort of multi-platform, geographically-boundless, electronic communication network. Hmmm...

Actually, if she does stop by here and happen upon this gossamer-subtle wile, then she’ll probably be so pissed off that I’ve washed the still-spotless pants of our few hours together in a public forum that that'll be it: decision done. Oh, well. It’s not like I was in love or anything. Even I need more than four and a half hours for that. So.

Next!

Now. If any of you relationship experts out there would like to weigh in with your obvious and slightly condescending advice, I really would love to hear it. Especially you, Anjula Mutanda. I’m prepared to bet that any celebrity psychologist with a gallery on her website must also have a Google vanity alert set up – so when you come across this, drop me a line, let’s do dim sum. I promise I’ll take the bag off my head. In bed. Rrrrr.

In the meantime...



All images are by Slinkachu, whose brilliant book of little people art you should probably most definitely purchase.



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33 comments:

AndrewM said...

Men are the women reason exist.

And you a published author!

Go directly to the pub. Do not pass go. Proably better collect £200.

Catofstripes said...

That's the classic easy let down isn't it? Spit on her attractive memory and move on.

I'm sorry.

archivedmusicpress said...

Option 2 - because, and I'm sorry to have to tell you this, if you think you have *any* pride left after an interview with The Daily Mail and an interview on the GMTV sofa with a bag on your head, then you are sorefly mistaken.

But even if you did. Option 2. Don't be an arse about it. Life's complex and things happen. If you like her then it's worth fighting for. Or at least waiting patiently for with a modicum of hope.

Nice pictures btw. Slinkatchu is a wonderful artist.

nondisbeliever said...

These 'friends' you mention don't sound much like any kind of friend I'd care to share commiseratory drinks with.

As for lovely Chlamydia, I'd turn the tables somewhat and pretend you've met someone else (or more than one, why not) and are agonising over whether to pursue things with them. That'll show you whether or not she's interested. If there's any future there, she'll choose you.

Unless, of course, she's reading this blog (and comment). If that happens, I recommend denying everything.

La Bête said...

AndrewM, I was responding to a line from the film Simple Men that's been going round my head all weekend - that line being 'why do women exist?' And writing about my male friends' boorishness kind of reminded me how - in general - women actually care. Whereas men really seem not to. Anyway, it was only a foolish throwaway remark - don't make me feel bad about it. You bastard. Typical man.

Stripey - you think she made it up then? Is that what you're saying? The cow.

AMP, good point, well made. Actually, quite poorly made - unless you meant to say 'sorefly mistaken'. But yes, I think you speak the truth.

Nondisbeliever - how weird you should say that, for in the last half hour I just met a couple of women and they both really want me. I'm not sure what to do now. Dilemmas, dilemmas.

jenheffa said...

Play it friendly, but cool. It sounds like 'younger and better looking' will most likely be good shag but bad boyfriend material. They'll have mindblowing sex but then she'll discover that he's superficial and dull or he'll treat her like shit and leave her broken hearted and bitter.

Either way, you then siddle in as good boyfriend material...

La Bête said...

You could be right, Jen. I'll siddle in. Maybe even side-siddle, on my siddle-saddle.

anitakrishlee said...

Really, get rid of Chlamydia. If she's not sure if she wants you now, then it's never going to work out. Besides, who wants to feel like leftovers?

Non Je Ne Regrette Rien said...

oh tut tut and for shame. I do so commiserate. and all that.

but really then, she's just being kind. or she's dumb as a stump. cos most women don't give over one fella they find interesting for another just met and found interesting.

any woman worth her salt would juggle. and juggle well. seamlessly even.

so cut her loose. let her think about what she's missed and chace you down if she's so inclined. and then make yourself available should you so choose.

LilLadyJo88 said...

Forget about her! Focus on these 2 women you have just mentioned, however I think you need to think about which one you like.get on with the most while letting the other one down all kind and gentle like, it is not fair leaving someone hanging on. I stand by my original post though of forgetting this woman you went on a date with, use it as dating experience! You seem like a nice, sweet, smart guy and dont need to be anyones second best.

Anonymous said...

If she indeed lives 300 miles from you, and if she is in fact torn between you and someone else, she need never have told you. She could have worked it out on her own and then made her feelings known when she was sure of them. One or the other of you would have been 'the one'.

By telling you that she couldn't decide between you or someone else whom she may or may not like more, she risked wounding you. No one with any decency would do that to another person.

I'd be careful, and wary. She sounds like a heart breaker - and you deserve more. You deserve better. I wouldn't wait around.

And AndrewM misspelled Probably. People in glass houses...

Helen said...

Dating is horrific. At least she didn't claim to be 6ft and then turn out to be 5ft 3" as one of my recent dates did. Foolish boy.

I think you deserve someone who wants you no matter who they've just met. I've waited around for someone before who just wasn't sure and it only made me feel wretched.

Slinkachu am ace though. Got that book for Christmas. xx

amy grace said...

Option 1, hands down, dearie. She's not interested or she wouldn't have told you about the other fellow.

Do NOT let women push you around that way. I've pushed men around plenty, and I immediately lose respect for any man who puts up with it even for a second :)

See how difficult we women are?

Basically, I think she's not interested (i.e. she has decided she most sincerely prefers the other guy), and if you hang around hoping she'll come around to preferring you, that will make her like you less, because that's weak.

Mrs. Holly Hall said...

I think the next step depends on your motivation.

If you

A) want to see her again cause you really dig her--- then call her, ask her out again and then, during the date, be yourself. Smile, look her in the eye. Consider yourself a pretty awesome guy and let that show.

Then, talk about the other dude. maybe she wants to date two guys and to see how it goes. then you can ask yourself it that's ok. if not. move on. lots of fishes in the sea.

B) want to see her again because your pride is all bruised because you were dumped before you had a first date----

then just suck it up and move on.

ok good.

good to see you are dating again. hopefully this will decrease the wood louse dreams.

take care

Mrs. Hall

Antipo Déesse said...

And while you're in your siddle-saddle, you can take part in the Chace Race!

I agree that women should be able to juggle men seamlessly. Lisa sounds too wiffly-waffly and not quite clever enough for you.

Does this meet your condescension requirements?

janetyjanet said...

well, first I thought 2) - but then reading the comments here I have swayed & shasheyed my way over to 1) in a suitably fickle lady-way...

so there you have it!

and in a further listy way

a) loved you on the GMTV interview - most velvety & dulcet tones, mmmmm - and great idea with the bag, keeps the punters interested!

b) Daily Mail - for shame!

Anonymous said...

Hello Bête! I am the girl from South America again. So in love with your blog. Thanks Daily Mail.
First, relax. It was just a date. Nobody dying here. Usually, at the beginning, people date more than one person rather than dating exclusively with one- this does not have anything to do with looks. It is her right and also you should date, date, date. I agree 100% with Mrs. Hall. You should ask yourself if you want to keep dating her even though she wants to see the other guy. On the other hand, no need to name her with nasty nicknames (Chlamydia) if she has been nice with you, and you had a good date and got along. Dating should be fun and she has the right to see what it is best for her. You also have the right to see what works for you. If, after a while, you start noticing she is stringing you along I am sure you will be wise to stop it. Be optimistic: you are super intelligent, you are a beautiful person and you are funny so you will have lots of great dates and eventually find the right person. You are 31 not 100. Good night. And sorry for my English, but it is not my mother tongue. Ah! if it's any consolation, good looking people are also rejected in the dating game. For example my brother. Now, good night!!

Henk Van Vleck said...

It was definitely another bloke she was thinking about seeing right? Not another girl? And you're sure, absolutely sure mind, that she wasn't just tiptoeing around the delicate question of whether you would consider expanding the date a bit?

Bah - actually forget it. If she can't broach that subject successfully on a first date she's not good enough for you. Neither of them.

Beleaguered Squirrel said...

AndrewM: "Men are the women reason exist.

And you a published author!"

Bete: "AndrewM, I was responding to a line from the film Simple Men that's been going round my head all weekend - that line being 'why do women exist?'"

Teehee. Your brain is still transposing this, right? You haven't noticed the muddled word order?

As for this woman, not enough info. Could be explained in many ways, some of which cast her in good lights, but most not. On the face of it, it bodes unwell. But only you really know.

Anonymous said...

I have to say, I saw you on GMTV today, and you have a sexy voice, good dress sense and aren't overweight at all. I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU ARE THAT UGLY UNDER THE BAG! And on top of that you're an amazing, talented writer :D

amy grace said...

Whoa, just, after reading some of the new comments... If you do end up seeing her again, do NOT talk about the other guy. It's entirely her business whether she is seeing him/wants to keep seeing him/wants to bring it up. You shouldn't give a shit either way at this stage, and it would be bizarre for you to bring it up. It has absolutely nothing to do with you and your potential with this girl.

(This is all my perspective, of course. There's no right or wrong thing to do. These would be my gut reactions if I were the lady in question, but I'm an extremely independent bitch :)

La Bête said...

Too many comments to respond to individually I’m afraid. I will just say this though: LilLadyJo88 – the two women I just mentioned do not exist. That was a joke. Anon – I’m only 300 miles away for another 12 days, then I’m about ten miles away.

And BS – bloody hell. How the hell did I miss that so many times? Also, you’re very right – I didn’t give enough information. I didn’t, for example, mention that we had a bit of a snog at the end of the evening, or that she’s since told me she is very confused and is doing nothing for now, or that the only reason she told me about the other chap in the first place was out of honesty and respect, and I appreciated it. At the same time as hating it.

Thank you all for your input. I’m just seeing how it goes for now. I do hope I see her again though. I like her.

Bea said...

What if she was worried that you'd write the details on your blog for all to see, and thought about it and kinda freaked out? lol :) I wouldn't hold on waiting for her if I were you, but don't listen to me because I'm stubborn in those sort of situations :) Please tell me you didn't wear your bag!

Have you tried dating sites? I've discussed them recently on my blog but I haven't told people on there about my blog or book (or my escorting past :-/ because I want them to like me for me and I want people to give me a chance. I've exchanged a few messages, but I've yet to actually arrange a date!

There seems to be a lot of illiterate people but if you sift through there are some good profiles out there. If I find a particularly good dating site I'll let you know :)

LilLadyJo88 said...

Well now I feel foolish! :( in that case do whatever makes you happy :P You dont want to live your life full of what if's but at the same time you dont want to be taken for a ride! I know its a cliche but listen to your heart, try above all listening to just the genitals though :P from experience listeninng to just them can cause head fooks when your brain kicks in!
xx

Anonymous said...

The first thing I thought of when I read your story - face it SHE'S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU! I suggest you either buy a copy or try and find a back copy of Glamour magazine ho were giving it away for free and give it a good read. [BTW I haven't read it - only a truncated article about the book in Marie Claire]. Oh, they've also made a film about the book. Just in case .......

Mauri said...

If you like her, then you can keep it neutral. Ask to catch up for "friends" things, & it might turn into something more, only time will tell. At the end of it all you'll either have a girlfriend, new mate, or a great experience.

Go with the flow, and you'll be fine. I have stopped looking into situations as much, & find things work out on their own.

Best of luck sweetz, you'll find her soon -xox-

annie.sh said...

I say, stick about but take a while to get back to any emails or texts. Not in a mean way, just in a perfectly innocent, Sorry, I've just been really busy - was I taking a long time to respond? way.

Us girls are idiots in the early stages. This sort of behaviour right at the very beginning is strangely alluring.

Although, NB, after you're proper going out with each other, slow response times are a bad/maddening move.

Well done on getting a kiss. How delightful!

xa

Anonymous said...

I'm loving the warm, fuzzy tone of the comments around here nowadays.

These GMTV/Daily Mail people are delightful. I know you're meant to be taking a blogging sabbatical, but I hope you can stick around for a while longer, so that I can continue to bask in their warm glow.

As for the hand-wringing chick, the answer's obvious. Haven't you even read your own book?

Stick some chewing gum in her hair!

Wellington

Mrs. Holly Hall said...

BIT OF A SNOG EH?

Well that changes everything.

Any woman that lets you touch her boobies usually isn't just messing around.


yeah, bit of a snog!

happy for you even if it was just that :)

cheps said...

Just do whatever you feel like doing or acting. If you really liked her and think her sincere, then don't shut her out. Nevertheless, keep your eyes open for other women ;)

Catofstripes said...

More information that looks like it should change my mind, but it doesn't. Even if she's telling you stuff in good faith (and pity my cynicism) she's clearly too mixed up to be viable girlfriend material. Move right away, nothing to see here.

Just don't alright. It will only end in tears. In a few years time you'll bump into her with a bloke under the thumb and three kids and thank your lucky stars it isn't you. Then you can have an affair if you want or a good laugh, but for now, who needs heartache.

I could so easily be wrong though.

La Bête said...

Stripey - 'just don't alright'? Just don't what alright? God, what if I've already done it?

hayli said...

okay...
I had the same problem...it was a year ago...
there was this guy... lets call him 'twat face' ... sums up perfectly... well me and twat face got on really really well... he was gorgeous... :) and i thought lovely all round... except twat face obv did not think the same about me... He had been seeing me for about 5 months... it was going great... and all f a sudden its summer and we both went on different holidays. While I spent me time thinking about twat face and whether we would go out when i was back... twat face was busy 'get it off' with another girl... and left me when i was back in england...

the reality of it all hurt so much but at the same time im glad it happened because what does he tell you about being in a relationship with him...
You should never wait around...
because you are waiting for a failed relationship...

dont repeat patterns that may have happened with your previous relationships...
and try and move on.. its for the bestx