So a couple of weeks ago, I wrote about how I was growing increasingly tired of masturbation. Then last Friday I received an email from a sex worker. Is that what they’re called? Women who work for sex toy companies? Anyway, Carly works for LoveHoney.co.uk and by way of solution to my problem, she offered me free sex. In a can. Specifically, this one:
As you can see, it’s quite odd. For one thing, it has a mouth. Now I know I’ve not seen that many vaginas, but I’m sure even Seymore Butts hasn’t seen one with an infranasal depression, or - it always takes me ages of fruitless head-searching then a quick Google search to remember this word - philtrum. (Hmm. I just spent ten minutes checking Wikipedia’s etymology of the word philtrum against the entry in volume two of The New Shorter Oxford. Interesting. Veeeery interesting. And they say masturbation ruins your vocabulary. Paff.) Anyhow, in the words of the popular song, any hole’s a goal.
Now, before I go any further – I think I should just … one moment, please.
Right. I have to say, having used the thing twice now, it is really very, very good. Which is to say, it feels excellent wrapped around your engorged Johnson and it does facilitate some splendid and relatively powerful sensations on fruition.
I did find it much easier to use, however, when I removed the superskin flesh-sleeve from the can. The reasons for this are twofold.
Number one. It’s a bit tight in the can. Out of the can, the superskin flesh-sleeve is able to expand to take your girth. In the can, it’s like trying to fuck a frighteningly robust moth. I think you know what I’m saying. Also, out of the can …
… the superskin flesh-sleeve becomes eerily animated, almost lifelike. It flops about in your hand like a dazed rat, freshly shaven, or like the panicking infant of some alien animal species, lost and frightened and helpless.
For the rest of this remarkable and educational review, Stan recommends you go here and purchase a copy of The Little Book of Shame. Not only does it contain the article you're currently reading, it also contains around 50 others, and all for the incredible price of whatever price it happens to be at the moment. You lucky thing you.
22 comments:
That is really weird But I like how honest you are about it. Maybe the can is too restrictive because of your size? (in one of your first posts those old high school chums mentioned you being rather large). But yeah, there is no class to it; I guess the sex toy makers are assuming you have no class if you are willing to use a male masterbator. My condolenses.
I'd say the reason it comes in a can is so that sexually retarded men can sneak it into the cinema. I sat near a man who Jacked off during Schindler's List. Honest. At the Prince Charles in Leicester Square.
Like most things - hair colour, fingernails, tits, eyelashes, fannies – real is always better.
Jenny getting high is very disturbing.
Best of luck tonight. I have a good feeling about it for you. This will bring you luck. I promise, OK?
http://open.spotify.com/track/4itT6zprqwWxwOpb59hzNg
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Have you seen the film Air Doll? http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1371630/ There is some relevance.
I am just happy to see a lady with brown nipples, it's usually the pink ones that get all the attention. Sorry, brown lady complex speaking.
Oh dear.
Oh very dear.
The photos are rather brilliant and I do adore Ben.
And for the record there's nothing wrong with a garish veiny cock.
Superb piece of writing. I think this is an instant classic, if such a thing is possible.
There's also a Spanish film, called "Tamaño Natural", about a man who has a relationship with a Real Doll (but made thirty years before Real Dolls were invented). Funny & tragic.
From the pussy male maturbator link:
"Seventeen Two Layer Japanese Realistic Vagina"
"Utensil Race Downwards Japanese Realistic Sleeve"
"Heaven 3 Japanese Onacup Masturbator"
"Shakers Vol. 04 Corkscrew Onacup Male Masturbator"
Onacup? Corkscrew? Utensil Race Downwards??
Blimey.
"ut where are the sex toys for the auto-eroticist with a touch of refinement?"
try here
"vulnerable Jenny, bathing her" ... I can relate to that. I always test the water temperature carefully before gently washing my 'realistic veiny' dildo ... I'd hate to scald it ...
Review, review, review. Bit yawny.
If you want something a little more classy looking you might want to try a Tenga. When I was away on a trip my boyfriend used one (the deepthroat one with a rotating ball at the back) and he confirms that it was pretty pleasurable (though the most expensive wank he has ever had). I think they have extra large ones as well!
Very, very funny. Disagree emphatically with whoever said 'yawny'.
Thanks for your candour, have always wanted to know about how these things 'work' but am too scared to google from work.
x
The can thing IS really off putting. As I woman I'm always puzzled by dildo and the like that look like animals.
Does the fact that it shaped like a dolphin soften, somehow, that I'm going to put it in my vagina?
Is a vibrator shaped like a butterfly somehow less of a sex toy?
Anyway, Jenny seems perfectly nice.
I was with you right up to the ham tongue. Jenny suddenly became quite repellant looking to me.
So? Did you get lucky??
Interesting etymology here with the brand name "Onacan".
'Ona' or 'Onna' is Japanese for 'woman' (fair enough) but the biblical Onan (who spilled his seed on the ground) also comes to mind. Pun intended btw.
Good god, the ham tongue is disgusting! There's something about a fleshy protuberance poking out from a plastic mould that imitates real skin which I find peculiarly disturbing.
Alternatively, a sexual mouth in a can getting high is infinitely funnier! :)
heh, bete. After a year and a half of reading your blog it's finally time to comment.
You're kind of gross, but I like you.
End.
Worth mentioning that it's not a real can, it's plastic. Therefore, don't attempt to make your own Sex In A Can unless you want to be getting Tetanus shots every time you get busy.
Hilarious! I have left you a blog award on mine xx
This is hilariously, ridiculously, I-was-reading-it-at-lunchtime-at-work-and-kept-getting-funny-looks-because-I-was-laughing-out-loud type funny.
There's sexual inequality in the sex toy industry, for sure. Rampant rabbits definitely have a bit more credibility :-)
I mean, the girls in Sex and the City openly talk about vibrators. But can you imagine the guys in Entourage admitting to their mutual possession and usage of a scary shaved rat in a can/alien baby mouth thing?????
yaa i recommend this sex toy for men and women so thanks for giving this post
I found your blog post very funny - well done, I like how frank you are!
If this is a bit weird for you, try a fleshlight next time!
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