Tuesday, 23 February 2010

[Sex Toy] Rubber Jenny

So a couple of weeks ago, I wrote about how I was growing increasingly tired of masturbation. Then last Friday I received an email from a sex worker. Is that what they’re called? Women who work for sex toy companies? Anyway, Carly works for LoveHoney.co.uk and by way of solution to my problem, she offered me free sex. In a can. Specifically, this one:

As you can see, it’s quite odd. For one thing, it has a mouth. Now I know I’ve not seen that many vaginas, but I’m sure even Seymore Butts hasn’t seen one with an infranasal depression, or - it always takes me ages of fruitless head-searching then a quick Google search to remember this word - philtrum. (Hmm. I just spent ten minutes checking Wikipedia’s etymology of the word philtrum against the entry in volume two of The New Shorter Oxford. Interesting. Veeeery interesting. And they say masturbation ruins your vocabulary. Paff.) Anyhow, in the words of the popular song, any hole’s a goal.

Now, before I go any further – I think I should just … one moment, please.

Right. I have to say, having used the thing twice now, it is really very, very good. Which is to say, it feels excellent wrapped around your engorged Johnson and it does facilitate some splendid and relatively powerful sensations on fruition.

I did find it much easier to use, however, when I removed the superskin flesh-sleeve from the can. The reasons for this are twofold.

Number one. It’s a bit tight in the can. Out of the can, the superskin flesh-sleeve is able to expand to take your girth. In the can, it’s like trying to fuck a frighteningly robust moth. I think you know what I’m saying. Also, out of the can …

… the superskin flesh-sleeve becomes eerily animated, almost lifelike. It flops about in your hand like a dazed rat, freshly shaven, or like the panicking infant of some alien animal species, lost and frightened and helpless.

There's something sweet about it. Vulnerable. Not at all prurient. And when I bathed it in warm water, washing the sperm out of its unquestioning throat, I was amazed at the paternal instincts it inspired in me. I know it might sound a tiny bit odd under the circumstances, but I thought I felt like I might if I were washing a baby. I felt protective, fatherly. I think it was at this point I christened her Jenny.

[Idea: film about a mild-mannered sub-editor who is transformed into a slavering psychopath after becoming emotionally attached to a pretend vagina.]


I can’t really get over the naffness of it. It seems ridiculous to me. The fleshlight people have gone to such lengths and made such incredible strides in making a fake vagina which, if properly warmed and lubricated, could definitely pass for the real thing in a blind finger test. And yet they have chosen to package the thing like it’s only fit 13-year-old dimwits.

Why does it have to come in a can, for Christ’s sake? And why does it have to be a fake booze can?

It’s rather insulting if you ask me, pandering to that hackneyed notion that men are all Nuts-reading Neanderthals obsessed with sport, tits and lager. This is clearly nonsense. Only a tiny percentage of the male population have anything but intense and caustic disdain for Nuts magazine. (Please let it be so.)

My flatmate Imogen has just opined that the reason it’s like a can of beer is for purposes of subterfuge. So as not to upset your mum maybe, when she’s clearing up your tissues. If this is the case, and it certainly seems plausible enough at first glance, then why not make the design vaguely believable? Any mum worth her salt is going to be onto 'Pink Lotus Lager' in a flash.

The fact is, this product is branded for boys. And mental men-babies. Look at this, from the side of the can:

‘Government Warning: According to surgeons generally, if your wife is pregnant, this product just might be your best friend.’

Their target demographic seems mostly to consist of men who possess all of the intelligence, sensitivity and sexual savvy of Jim Davidson.

‘Frequent use may prevent births.’

As if anything more than 2% of their customers are actually in a relationship.

They're not. They're teenage boys, Nuts retards and a few justifiably embarrassed wankers. All of them single. This is why the reviews on the Fleshlight website are like this:

‘i probably fucked this thing for 10 of the last 40 hours. i have amazing stamina from masturbating for hours at a time, and this is so much better.’

‘its only been one day and my penis made me pound it twice already! this thing is AMAZING. i have a girlfriend and let me tell you this thing feels just like sex or even better! … two words. POUND ONE!’

So the problem really, is entirely in my head. It’s a matter of class. Snobbishness if you prefer. I just can’t imagine Cary Grant resorting to Sex in a Can. And that puts me off.

There’s room, of course, for the pounding yahoo - I’m sure it’s an enormously healthy market - but where are the sex toys for the auto-eroticist with a touch of refinement? There are masses of tasteful toys in a woman’s pleasure arsenal - as well as the garish veiny cocks, there are sleek and elegant vibrating love sticks so lovingly designed that even as they’re buzzing and teasing, they still manage to be aesthetically pleasing. They're classy. And cool. And offer no reason at all to be ashamed. So why must men have to put up with toys branded by Bernard Manning? I mean, what the fuck is this supposed to be?

Even Vulva, a terrible, laughable, repugnant product, granted, but at least they had the good taste to attempt to brand it as something sophisticated and erotic.

They failed, clearly, but at least they tried, goddammit. (By the way, that is definitely one product that would benefit from an exclamation mark. Vulva! See?)

Ooh, and I’ve just been looking around and I've found this. This is fairly tasteful. Well, ish. You couldn’t pass it off as an objet fucking d’art though.

Anyway, that’s my review.

In summary …

Efficacy :: 9 out of 10
Aesthetics :: 0 out of 10
Overall Branding Strategy :: 0 out of 10
Possibility for japes and silly photographs :: 6 out of 10

So, to end. Last night Imogen and I took some photos with little Jenny. Imogen got right into the spirit of the thing and applied some lipstick to Jenny's mouth. I didn't say but I thought this was a bit weird. I didn't want to sexualise her. That's also a bit weird. Anyway, Ben ran out of the room squealing like a girl and Imogen and I took photos. They weren't very good. Or were they? No, they weren't.

Still, this is Jenny smoking a joint, the naughty girl:

And here she is with a piece of ham for a tongue:

Eeeeeeeh, we have a laugh.

Anyway, enough now, I think. Thank you, LoveHoney Carly, very much, but I think it's time to move on from this nonsense. Time to meet some real people. Right now in fact.

Wish me luck.

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Sky said...

That is really weird But I like how honest you are about it. Maybe the can is too restrictive because of your size? (in one of your first posts those old high school chums mentioned you being rather large). But yeah, there is no class to it; I guess the sex toy makers are assuming you have no class if you are willing to use a male masterbator. My condolenses.

Anonymous said...

I'd say the reason it comes in a can is so that sexually retarded men can sneak it into the cinema. I sat near a man who Jacked off during Schindler's List. Honest. At the Prince Charles in Leicester Square.

Like most things - hair colour, fingernails, tits, eyelashes, fannies – real is always better.

Jenny getting high is very disturbing.

Best of luck tonight. I have a good feeling about it for you. This will bring you luck. I promise, OK?


A Twitter Friend

Tuesday Kid said...

If you became overzealous mid fuck then you might slice your cock on the rim of the can, nasty stuff. You could sue them for loads, but you'd be cockless and still miserable.

Tim Footman said...

Have you seen the film Air Doll? http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1371630/ There is some relevance.

Some Chilean Woman said...

I am just happy to see a lady with brown nipples, it's usually the pink ones that get all the attention. Sorry, brown lady complex speaking.

clumpf said...

Oh dear.

Oh very dear.

The photos are rather brilliant and I do adore Ben.

And for the record there's nothing wrong with a garish veiny cock.

Mike Booth said...

Superb piece of writing. I think this is an instant classic, if such a thing is possible.

There's also a Spanish film, called "Tamaño Natural", about a man who has a relationship with a Real Doll (but made thirty years before Real Dolls were invented). Funny & tragic.

Beleaguered Squirrel said...

From the pussy male maturbator link:

"Seventeen Two Layer Japanese Realistic Vagina"

"Utensil Race Downwards Japanese Realistic Sleeve"

"Heaven 3 Japanese Onacup Masturbator"

"Shakers Vol. 04 Corkscrew Onacup Male Masturbator"

Onacup? Corkscrew? Utensil Race Downwards??


kiki said...

"ut where are the sex toys for the auto-eroticist with a touch of refinement?"

try here

Anonymous said...

"vulnerable Jenny, bathing her" ... I can relate to that. I always test the water temperature carefully before gently washing my 'realistic veiny' dildo ... I'd hate to scald it ...

Anonymous said...

Review, review, review. Bit yawny.

Anonymous said...

If you want something a little more classy looking you might want to try a Tenga. When I was away on a trip my boyfriend used one (the deepthroat one with a rotating ball at the back) and he confirms that it was pretty pleasurable (though the most expensive wank he has ever had). I think they have extra large ones as well!

Anonymous said...

Very, very funny. Disagree emphatically with whoever said 'yawny'.

Thanks for your candour, have always wanted to know about how these things 'work' but am too scared to google from work.

Samantha said...

The can thing IS really off putting. As I woman I'm always puzzled by dildo and the like that look like animals.

Does the fact that it shaped like a dolphin soften, somehow, that I'm going to put it in my vagina?

Is a vibrator shaped like a butterfly somehow less of a sex toy?

Anyway, Jenny seems perfectly nice.

Anonymous said...

I was with you right up to the ham tongue. Jenny suddenly became quite repellant looking to me.

So? Did you get lucky??

Catherine Rowan Jones said...

Interesting etymology here with the brand name "Onacan".

'Ona' or 'Onna' is Japanese for 'woman' (fair enough) but the biblical Onan (who spilled his seed on the ground) also comes to mind. Pun intended btw.

Drôlerie said...

Good god, the ham tongue is disgusting! There's something about a fleshy protuberance poking out from a plastic mould that imitates real skin which I find peculiarly disturbing.

Alternatively, a sexual mouth in a can getting high is infinitely funnier! :)

haveyouseenthisgirl said...

heh, bete. After a year and a half of reading your blog it's finally time to comment.

You're kind of gross, but I like you.


LoveHoney - Carly said...

Worth mentioning that it's not a real can, it's plastic. Therefore, don't attempt to make your own Sex In A Can unless you want to be getting Tetanus shots every time you get busy.

Christina Lindsay said...

Hilarious! I have left you a blog award on mine xx

Anonymous said...

This is hilariously, ridiculously, I-was-reading-it-at-lunchtime-at-work-and-kept-getting-funny-looks-because-I-was-laughing-out-loud type funny.

There's sexual inequality in the sex toy industry, for sure. Rampant rabbits definitely have a bit more credibility :-)

I mean, the girls in Sex and the City openly talk about vibrators. But can you imagine the guys in Entourage admitting to their mutual possession and usage of a scary shaved rat in a can/alien baby mouth thing?????

cleondann said...

yaa i recommend this sex toy for men and women so thanks for giving this post

Susie said...

I found your blog post very funny - well done, I like how frank you are!

If this is a bit weird for you, try a fleshlight next time!