Friday, 19 February 2010

[Special Product] Vulva :: Old Man

I thought it might be funny to write an account of a date I had on Valentine’s Day - a date with myself and a bottle of Vulva. It would have been a silly thing, you understand. I was going to pretend that I had someone over for a cosy dinner. I would tidy the house and cook a meal - fish pie maybe, or a nice New England clam bake. And then I was going to make a clumsy lunge at myself after the coffee and hopefully go all the way. But not necessarily.

There is every chance I might not have put out at all. After all, I’m a sensitive not to say needy individual and it might very well have taken a good deal more than the scent of synthetic nethers to bring me to fruition. More important still, I feared that if I got into that whole self-love thing again, there was every possibility I might actually disappear right inside my own bottom.

Thankfully, the Vulva didn’t come till Monday. (I would normally have used the word arrive in that sentence, but I am a sucker for a vagina gag.) (!)

So, in order to fulfil my end of the bargain – to wit an honest review in exchange for a free sample of the product – I was forced to go to the hustings. Is that what I mean? Let’s say yes.

On Monday night, I held my first woefully unstructured focus group, telling my guinea pigs exactly what I was smearing on their hands. I asked them to score the product out of ten for vulvacity, arousal and overall pleasantness. The results were not good.

For vulvacity, Vulva was found distinctly lacking. Which is not a good sign. A product called Vulva, describing itself as a vaginal fragrance really ought to smell like vagina. If not, it can only be considered a failure. But then again, as a few of the people with whom I have engaged on the subject have pointed out, surely not all vulvae smell alike. Well, in my limited experience, I would say yes and no. Of course every foo-foo has a different odour, just as every Johnson has a different odour, just as every human being has a different odour. However, it's surely also true to say that there is definitely a ball-park smell.

Anyhow, here are a bunch of thoughts from the first session:


'It smells like wee.'

'It's a bit toilet.'

'It smells a bit like fish and chips. A bit musky … It's not unpleasant. I wouldn't want to smell of it but I wouldn't be really upset if I did ... It doesn't smell of my vulva, but does my vulva smell of everybody's vulva? Is my vulva everyvulva? … That doesn't smell anything like a vulva. Oh, maaaaaaybe – maybe there's a tiny hint. It's too perfumey though. It's got that kind of Copydex quality … I feel like it's burning my wrist. It feels simultaneously hot and cold … It smells a bit of honey as well.'

'So you put this on and masturbate? And it's meant to help, is it?'

'It smells a bit like cardboard.'


So there you go. 'Not unpleasant' is about as good as it gets. Personally, I don't agree. I think it's very unpleasant. For me, it does smell of vulva, but it smells of a vulva that's been trapped in a chemical toilet for six days. It has ammonia front bottom notes, reminiscent of those awful pineapple chunks you find it men's urinals.

Anyhow, on Tuesday night, I did a blind test in a pub with three new rugged male friends. They weren't impressed. The best quote came from Paul, a 45-year-old man from Macclesfield. 'It smells like old man,' he said.



That's not good.

So there it is. Vulva is basically a novelty item that no one in their right brain would ever buy twice.

And let that be an end to it.

In other news, I'm almost finished my first week of proper work, and yesterday, I got an iPhone.

I feel like an adult.

I'm not though.

Have a super weekend.



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9 comments:

Anonymous said...

It must be one of those smells/tastes that are very difficult to synthesize. Like strawberries. I have never EVER eaten a starwberry-flavoured anything that tasted like real strawberries. Always too perfumey.

Maria in Oregon

clumpf said...

"foo foo"

"smells a bit toilet"

*smiles*

I have a new friend - a wonderful very camp man who runs the local tea shop. It was my birthday the other day, and he turned up in the dark, soaked from the rain and handed me a box of chocolates. 'I've knocked on six doors' he said 'to find you'.

Anyway, I have a very fat cat called Samuel. My new friend (K) stroked Samuel.

The next day I went to the tea room with another friend and told her that 'K had stroked my big fat pussy'. He pulled a face like a lemon and said 'I didn't want to - she made me'.

The face I imagine your friends pulled while smelling vulva.

Anonymous said...

All this talk of smells makes me want to scrub myself raw!

A bit toilet? Really? That fills me with dread.

Anonymous said...

And happy birthday Clumpf!

marianne said...

You got an iPhone! You are more than just an adult... you are a spoiled, lucky adult. With an iPhone!

I would say that warrants a clam bake.

clumpf said...

Why thank you anon. I'm 42. I'm not proud.

And I forgot to say Bete, well done on your first week at work. Is the canteen any good? - that's the only important thing.

Innocent Loverboy said...

I wonder if the iPhone has a vulva app...

kiki said...

when i was single i would have loved to come home smelling like that so i could tell or my friends i got some

cause i'm shallow like that

Antipo Déesse said...

What a let-down (for us as much as you!), after all that agonizing anticipa...