Tuesday, 6 April 2010

[Real Life] Spring!

I’ve just spent four days writing and as far as this blog is concerned I have absolutely nothing to show for it. It’s almost as if I really don’t care anymore. But that's not the case, honest. It’s just other stuff. And it’s just a phase, I swear.

People have sent me lots of stuff to review as well. Lollipops that combat autism, AIDS and cancer. A vibrator that synchs with your iPod (not sure what I’m supposed to do with that exactly – I could shove it up my bottom but… well, we'll see). Plus a book about kissing and a book about men having very little imagination.

If you sent me any of those things, fear not, I’ll almost certainly get round to writing something about them sooner or later, but for the moment, reviewing things is really just slightly nauseating. And reading books takes ages, especially when you’re working 40-hour weeks and trying to write something you care about in what little free time you have.

I’ve been trying to write a novel, since you ask. It’s about families and secrets and lies. I've been working on it for quite some time now, on and off, and I’m about 200 pages in. I think it might be crap.

Did you have a nice Easter though? I do hope so. I hope you did something excellent like build a large Christ out of cheese. I had a nice Easter but I spent it in absolute isolation, writing and drinking Bloody Marys and writing and eating pizza and writing and smoking cigarettes and writing and eating sardines. Lots of writing then, which is good, I’m sure, unless it all comes to nothing, but even then, it’s better than spending money on drugs. (I tried to spend some money on drugs on Sunday in a moment of weakness, but everyone was away. It’s been about six weeks now. I’m not sure I approve.)

I've really got back into smoking cigarettes again though, sometimes whilst simultaneously wearing a nicotine patch for extra Stupid Points. It's utterly shameful. And the last pack of tobacco I bought featured this delicious health warning:

Whoa! How many cigarettes do you have to smoke to get a scarf made of meat? And if that doesn't stop me, what will? Maybe the moustache.

Anyway, I’m joining a gym tomorrow – again! Will I never learn? No, it’s good. It’s spring! Fresh start! I’ve actually got into a bit of a routine over the past three weeks. I get up at 6, make sandwiches and cycle to work in the West End. I get there by 7.15, just in time for the office to open, then I get changed, put talc on my bum and mess around with my own stuff till I have to start work on other people’s stuff around 9.30. Then I cycle home and have a bath. It’s a 25-mile round trip approximately. I reckon once I throw in regular gym visits, I’ll be buff as a bastard by the time the paperback comes out.

Speaking of which, what do you reckon to the cover? Oh, and the new dumbed-down title?

Don’t tell me the cover’s pants, please. Resist.

By the way, while I have your ear, anyone have any idea where I might hold this gathering on June 4th? I want somewhere a) free (or at least with a not outrageous minimum spend) b) for anywhere between 10 and 100 people (I'm guessing) c) preferably in Soho or at least somewhere central. Any thoughts, you people who know London better than I?

Right, on I get. Speak your thoughts in the comments...

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Anonymous said...

Well... if I'm honest, I don't like the underwear at all. I think any one of these would have been better - or something similar, preferably with leopard print – as it's beast and all. http://bebrief.stores.yahoo.net/

There's the Crown and Two Chairmen on Dean Street. I've been to many drinks parties there. You can reserve the upstairs and we can all ply you with much booze.

There's also the Shaston on Ganton Street or the Endurance in Queen Anne's Court.

How about The Pontefract Castle on Wigmore Street. I've never been but I love the name.

I hate to say it but I think a wine bar may be more suitable. There's On Anon on Shaftesbury Ave nr Piccadilly.

Lastly, and I know this is touristy crap but it might be funny, how about Tattershall Castle bar on the Thames (Embankment)? It's beautiful in the evenings and we can all get drunk and go skinny dipping in the Thames. And if you need a hostess to point your fans in the right direction, I volunteer my services on the night. Clipboard and all.

A Twitter Friend

Jones said...

If only there was a way to get that meat scarf pic onto gillette cans...

gongman said...

Are you contractually locked in to the pants book cover Bête? Using pants as a noun,not an adjective,of course,using it as an adjective being frowned on by your good self.I hope not.I really hope not.Get my drift?

I had an amazing Easter at a retreat centre run by an artist friend of mine.People come by,stay for free in exchange for working on the house or garden/forest.Artists and WRITERS love the peace and tranquility.
There were French,English,Dutch,American,Spanish and Japanese people staying there so the evening meal was a riot with all those languages going on but it was an object lesson in how we can all get on together when politicians are not involved.
Played the gongs after dinner,as we smoked some of the fruits of last year's harvest.

The nearest airport is Carcassone ;)

La Bête said...

ATF, I’m sorry you don’t like my pants. Thanks for your suggestions though – I really need to go around one night and check them all out.

Jones, like a shaving rash you mean? That’s vile.

Gunga, that sounds brilliant. You’re tempting me, aren’t you? I really fancy it actually. Maybe one day….

For the record, I really like the cover. I think it's full of possibilities.

clumpf said...

For the record you should have listened to us all and called it 'Bag of Elbows'. BAG OF ELBOWS Stan you turncoat.

But we still love you.

And Gongman, you'd fit right in my village - it's full of people like you. Cosmopolitan and very hippy. Lots of money and they don't wash :)

Stan I'm very pleased that you get to work so early and cycle so far, you must have very tight buns.

Don't ask me about London, I'm a complete bumpkin these days. When I do go up I'm all wide-eyed and scared, like a racehorse on red bull.

La Bête said...

Aaaah, Clumpf, you just gave me my first laugh of the day. It rang out across this big empty office like an ignorant child in a nuclear bunker.

And I didn't have a choice with the title. Not really. But I'm quite happy with it. I think it's very good from a commercial perspective. It has the word 'sex' in it, and sex sells. And I want to sell, otherwise I'll have to come into this office, or one just like it, for the rest of my life.

Good day to you.

Chloe said...

Where to hold the party?

The answer is starring you, INDAFACE.

In your PANTS, silly!

La Bête said...

I know where I'm holding it.

It's a decision I've made.

Anonymous said...

"For the record, I really like the cover. I think it's full of possibilities."

I, too, think that your pants are full of possibilities.

"put talc on my bum and mess around with my own stuff"

Tee hee.

Anonymous said...

Perhaps if you stop putting things up your bottom, you might not get piles.
Just an idea.
Anyway, don't stop writing the blog please. You are keeping me (mostly) sane.
I would very much like to read your book, so keep going.

annie.sh said...

This is a little moot now that you know where you're holding it, but The Royal George on Goslett's Yard has a downstairs room you can hire for free. Although people have to come through it for the toilets, so it's not terribly exclusive, which may or may not be a problem.

I like the title. I think it snappily gets across some of the feeling of the book to someone brand new to it, in a way that Bag of Elbows - whilst more fitting and literary- would not. Plus people might buy it thinking it's the book the film's based on, read it, realise how wonderful it is and thus have had their lives made irrevocably better. Preaching to the unconverted, innit?


Innocent Loverboy said...

My mate 47 says that those smoking warning would be improved if you replaced the word "smoking" with the phrase "angering Dr. Doom".

Think about it...

"Angering Dr. Doom can cause a slow and painful death..."

Anonymous said...

for god's sake man, update your site. You've loyal fans waiting for the next installment.

Pull your finger out or I'm going to burn your book.

La Bête said...

Burn it! Burn it!

(Don't burn it.)