NAQ Farcissus

I realised yesterday that the main reason most FAQs are deathly dull is because people simply don’t ask the right questions. The shits. So it occurred to me that a bunch of Never Asked Questions might be a little more interesting, if incredibly sad. So, here we go.



I’d like to buy you a gift, please, if I may. What would you like?

Eh? Why on earth would you want to do that?

Because I think you’re wicked. Why haven’t you got a Wishlist?

Because the idea that a virtual stranger would buy me a gift is madness.

But it happens. People do lots of things for people they’ve never met. I think you underestimate the kindness of strangers. Why don’t you get yourself a Wishlist?

OK then. Consider it done.

Cool. Good luck with that. Now, how would you like to write a weekly column about whatever the hell you like for some national newspaper or glossy magazine?

Yes, please. That would be splendid. Thanks.

No problem. How much would you like to be paid?

Oh, I don’t know. How does £300 sound?

Hmm. Are you sure you wouldn’t like a little more than that?

Well, OK, yes. I just didn’t want to sound greedy.

Paff. Greedy schmeedy. Would you accept a thousand pounds a week?

Oh, go on then. Cheers.

Good Lord, look who it is! It’s Audrey Tautou! She wants to ask you a question too. Would you mind if Audrey Tautou sat in your lap and asked you a few questions?

Crikey. No, not at all.

'Allo, Stan. I’m the very lovely Audrey Tautou, French film starlet and all-round sex profiterole. 'Ow are you?

I’m fine, Audrey, thanks for asking. You look lovely by the way. Even better in real life if I may say so. Not at all anorexic and not even a tiny bit like Michael Jackson after he was burned.



Thanks! You look pretty sexy yourself. I really fancy ugly men. I was wondering if you wouldn’t mind coming round to my villa in the Seychelles tonight and showing me a good time?

Erm… I’m actually a little busy tonight but… OK, what the hell. You’re on!

Oh, you make me so 'appy! I thought we could fly there in my private jet which in reality is actually more like a time machine. We’ll be there in literally no time at all. Actually, I know this is a bit forward, but are you free right now?

Um… yeah, OK. For you, Audrey, anything.

Right then, wrap your meaty arms around my slender frame. Ready?

D’accord!

Ooh, that was fun. Time travel always makes me feel - ‘ow you say? – up for it. So – do you like my villa in the Seychelles overlooking the Indian Ocean and miles of private beach?

I do, Audrey. I love it.

Formidable! Now, would you like some champagne?

Ooh, yes please.

Would you prefer to lap it from the small of my back or 'ave it transferred from my own delicious little mouth into yours?

Erm….

Or maybe both?

Yes! Let’s do both!

OK, but would you like to slowly undress me first?

Oh, alright then.

Oh, Stan. May I kiss you?

You may, Audrey Tautou. You may.

May I kiss you slowly at first, tentatively, my lips as light upon your face as my breath, until we’re both burning up with exquisite anticipation? Then, when you’re really aching for me, may I gradually introduce my tongue, teasing you, sucking on your swollen lips and groaning as I taste the sweet nectar of your 'ighly erotic man-spittle? Then, when I’m ready to give myself to you fully, may I go wild on your mouth and face and kiss you with all of the savage intensity and barbaric abandon of a woman who 'as been denied any physical affection for 12,000 years?

Audrey. You may.

Ooh-la-la! You are such a generous lover. And may I say that I ’ave never been kissed so perfectly, so passionately before?

Oh, Audrey. Don’t be silly.

But Stanley, it’s true! You are a very sensual man. Gentle yet assertive. Almost feminine in your emotional sincerity, yet at the same time ruggedly masculine. I wonder, would you like to do me in the bum?

Audrey! I’m shocked. And also a little embarrassed. I’ve never done that before.

Then would you do me the honour of allowing me to be your first?

OK, Audrey. OK. I’ll do you in the bum.

Mon dieu! Je t’aime, Stan Cattermole! Je t’aime! Do you love me too, Stan? Do you? Do you love me?

I do, Audrey Tautou, I do!

....

Oh, I seem to have got a little carried away there. I’ve gone all moist.

Je suis désolé.

Au revoir.