Wednesday, 18 June 2008

NAQ Farcissus

I realised yesterday that the main reason most FAQs are deathly dull is because people simply don’t ask the right questions. The shits. So it occurred to me that a bunch of Never Asked Questions might be a little more interesting, if incredibly sad. So, here we go.

I’d like to buy you a gift, please, if I may. What would you like?

Eh? Why on earth would you want to do that?

Because I think you’re wicked. Why haven’t you got a Wishlist?

Because the idea that a virtual stranger would buy me a gift is madness.

But it happens. People do lots of things for people they’ve never met. I think you underestimate the kindness of strangers. Why don’t you get yourself a Wishlist?

OK then. Consider it done.

Cool. Good luck with that. Now, how would you like to write a weekly column about whatever the hell you like for some national newspaper or glossy magazine?

Yes, please. That would be splendid. Thanks.

No problem. How much would you like to be paid?

Oh, I don’t know. How does £300 sound?

Hmm. Are you sure you wouldn’t like a little more than that?

Well, OK, yes. I just didn’t want to sound greedy.

Paff. Greedy schmeedy. Would you accept a thousand pounds a week?

Oh, go on then. Cheers.

Good Lord, look who it is! It’s Audrey Tautou! She wants to ask you a question too. Would you mind if Audrey Tautou sat in your lap and asked you a few questions?

Crikey. No, not at all.

'Allo, Stan. I’m the very lovely Audrey Tautou, French film starlet and all-round sex profiterole. 'Ow are you?

I’m fine, Audrey, thanks for asking. You look lovely by the way. Even better in real life if I may say so. Not at all anorexic and not even a tiny bit like Michael Jackson after he was burned.

Thanks! You look pretty sexy yourself. I really fancy ugly men. I was wondering if you wouldn’t mind coming round to my villa in the Seychelles tonight and showing me a good time?

Erm… I’m actually a little busy tonight but… OK, what the hell. You’re on!

Oh, you make me so 'appy! I thought we could fly there in my private jet which in reality is actually more like a time machine. We’ll be there in literally no time at all. Actually, I know this is a bit forward, but are you free right now?

Um… yeah, OK. For you, Audrey, anything.

Right then, wrap your meaty arms around my slender frame. Ready?


Ooh, that was fun. Time travel always makes me feel - ‘ow you say? – up for it. So – do you like my villa in the Seychelles overlooking the Indian Ocean and miles of private beach?

I do, Audrey. I love it.

Formidable! Now, would you like some champagne?

Ooh, yes please.

Would you prefer to lap it from the small of my back or 'ave it transferred from my own delicious little mouth into yours?


Or maybe both?

Yes! Let’s do both!

OK, but would you like to slowly undress me first?

Oh, alright then.

Oh, Stan. May I kiss you?

You may, Audrey Tautou. You may.

May I kiss you slowly at first, tentatively, my lips as light upon your face as my breath, until we’re both burning up with exquisite anticipation? Then, when you’re really aching for me, may I gradually introduce my tongue, teasing you, sucking on your swollen lips and groaning as I taste the sweet nectar of your 'ighly erotic man-spittle? Then, when I’m ready to give myself to you fully, may I go wild on your mouth and face and kiss you with all of the savage intensity and barbaric abandon of a woman who 'as been denied any physical affection for 12,000 years?

Audrey. You may.

Ooh-la-la! You are such a generous lover. And may I say that I ’ave never been kissed so perfectly, so passionately before?

Oh, Audrey. Don’t be silly.

But Stanley, it’s true! You are a very sensual man. Gentle yet assertive. Almost feminine in your emotional sincerity, yet at the same time ruggedly masculine. I wonder, would you like to do me in the bum?

Audrey! I’m shocked. And also a little embarrassed. I’ve never done that before.

Then would you do me the honour of allowing me to be your first?

OK, Audrey. OK. I’ll do you in the bum.

Mon dieu! Je t’aime, Stan Cattermole! Je t’aime! Do you love me too, Stan? Do you? Do you love me?

I do, Audrey Tautou, I do!


Oh, I seem to have got a little carried away there. I’ve gone all moist.

Je suis désolé.

Au revoir.

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Michael said...

She's no Irene Jacob circa 1994, though.

Shimacat said...

Does it ever cross your mind that the madman you're living with might not be Not-Keith?

Audrey Tatou indeed. She's got that weird French-lip going, like Carla Bruni has, that odd thing where the top lip pouts over the bottom one just like a sulky little girl ... *light dawns*

Selena said...

Ummm, as far as the wish list goes, I call giving you the pencil pot.

Fair warning: it will be made with a tin can, emerson's glue and a black and white world map printed out from some online source. Don't scoff at the black and white map- I'm not made of money and color ink is just too expensive.....

Heck, I guess I can print it out in color, but only because its you.

You know what- I might even through in a set of tin can walkie talkies for you and Not Keith to use. ;-)

P.S. You don't have an IPOD...tsk!

bittersweet said...

*peels of pelvic-floor-clenching laughter*

so .. is bum sex on your wishlist?

Tim Footman said...

Steady on. As Pauline Calf put it, "Oi! Tits first. I'm a lady."

Je ne regrette rien said...

ok. I confess that yesterday I may have gone too far in my FAQ commentary. I now know links to other blogs on comments are gauche. So all I will say is there aren't many superlatives better than "all around sex profiterole". well done.

Wisewebwoman said...

Une pollution nocturne du jour.

Amy said...

It is now one of my major goals in life to be called an "all-round sex profiterole"

Anonymous said...

Bonjour La Bête,

Please, don't let Not Keith draw some of your Audrey Tautou fantasy.
I don't think I could cope.

Uncle Did

Louche said...

Heh, I had a case of Tautou really bad for a while too. It was as dark time, but I think I'm a stronger person now.

Louche said...

Oops the link broke, let me try that again

Tautou Fever

Selena said...

Got to thinking...are all Bêtes still off?

This is just a friendly reminder to update the info in your nutshell.

To quote a charming man trapped in a brutal mess of a body, "Onwards!"

Anonymous said...

Methinks I have a cyber crush on you. Is it stalkerish to email you personally?



janetyjanet said...

sacre bleu!

Anonymous said...

I taught her to kiss like that, you know.

Mr. Fermata said...

I read that while listening to Iron Maiden's Children of the Damned. I think the two went together quite well.

DJ Kirkby said...

Oh you do make me laugh! In a nervous sort of way...

Sir Garence said...

Yet another outstanding post. And don't think the title was lost on us either. Write a book, you bastard.

La Bête said...

Irene Jacob was jaw-droppingly gorgeous as Veronique I concede. But she could never live up to how she was in that film. Whereas delicious Audrey is always delicious Audrey. Therefore Audrey wins.

Shimacat. Yes. Sometimes. And I do not like sulky little girls. Sulky big girls however.... Rrrrr.

Selena, I’ll take the pen-pot, thanks. And I do have an iPod, but it’s a bit rubbish and I want another one. Is that unforgivably greedy?

Bitttersweet. Yes. Sometimes.

Tim, is it wrong to fancy Pauline Calf a little?

Sparra, thank you. Tres gentile.

WWW, is that the same as a nocturnal emission? I’m becoming confused.

Amy, I see you more a croissant of lust.

Uncle Did, that is a devilishly good idea. If I can’t have Audrey in real life, at least I can have her in Keith’s imagination. Actually no, it suddenly sounds very wrong.

Louche, I think it happens to the best of us. In what are you a stronger person now? I’m curious.

Selena, if it weren’t for you, I wouldn’t know if I were coming or going. Thanks.

Anonymous, do it! Or have you already? If so, do it again!

JJ, zut alors!

Fathorse, you terrible minx. Rrrrr.

Mr F, I think you may be ever so slightly mentally unwell. Well done. Unwell done. Whichever you prefer.

Thank you, DJ. I don’t think there’s any need to be nervous though. Honest there isn’t. Or is there?

Sir Garence, I’d love to. Tell me how to go about it and I'll do it immediately.

Michael said...

You've obviously never seen Trois Couleurs Rouge, then.

La Bête said...

I have actually. I saw them all together at the Ritzy in Brixton about ten years ago, and I do remember being absolutely spellbound by the woman in Red. And I've just looked at some clips on YouTube. Oh, bloody hell, alright then, I'll take her.

Vulgar Wizard said...

BWAH HAH HAH HAH HAAAAAAAHH!!!! *wiping tears* THAT was excellent.

Vulgar Wizard said...

And as soon as I finished reading this, "Rape Me" by Nirvana played on the radio. *tee hee hee*