Monday, 18 February 2008


Ange and I had arranged to meet up for a meal sometime this week so I called her last night to check it was still on. She didn’t answer. Then, fifteen minutes later, she called me back sounding like she’d just regained consciousness after a 12-hour operation. She said she’d been in the bathroom when I called, being sick from her bottom. She’d been vomiting for most of the day, from both ends. She seemed really dazed. I asked her if I should come up and see her. She said she didn’t know, which was really a yes in disguise, so I drove to Hackney, stopping off along the way for some bad magazines (Heat, Now, Soaplife), because she likes that sort of thing, and some carrot and coriander soup, because I had no idea how ill she actually was.

Turns out out she’s got the norovirus. That’s it above. It looks pretty. But it isn’t. It’s really nasty.

I’d never seen projectile vomiting in real life before. It really was like in The Exorcist, but without the other unpleasant stuff, the cussing and the blasphemy and the ultraviolence. Well, there was a bit of blasphemy but nothing that involved a crucifix. God, I hate that film. Ange was in a right state. When she wasn’t passing stuff, she was just lying around all shivery and delirious. She was very sweet and sad and I felt very tender toward her, especially as in lucid moments, she kept complaining that she looked ‘a right state’. It’s true that with vomit drying on her dressing gown, she was far from her best, but it really didn’t matter.

She’s less feverish today, and the vomiting seems to have stopped. She’s still spending a lot of time on the loo but is now well enough to stress about missing work. So that’s good.

Now I’ve got to do another round of disinfecting. I’m determined not to catch this thing myself, but I think it might be a bit difficult to avoid it, what with such close proximity and all.

By the way, last night while Ange was managing to get some sleep, I was eating carrot and coriander soup and losing my cyber-cherry with an Irish girl in Germany. At the risk of repeating myself, isn’t the internet wonderful?

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Glamourpuss said...

Yes, The Exorcist is pretty unpleasant, but it does contain one of my favourite film insults; 'Your mother sucks cocks in hell.'

And the internet is wonderful but requires caution.


Anonymous said...

Are you sure that Irish temptress in Germany wasn't a 47 year old sweaty welder from Glasgow?

Wonders of the internet indeed ;)

La Bête said...

I'm as sure as I can be in the absence of a webcam. Oh come on, stop being so cynical. People on the internet don't lie.

Oh God, it was a welder, wasn't it? My oh my, the things we did.

projectile vomits

Sue said...

I hope she feels better very soon.

Anonymous said...

Who, the Irish temptress?

DJ Kirkby said...

Urgh you are a better friend than I as I would avoid anyone who had the Norovirus!

Anonymous said...

You want to see projectile vomiting? Google "Two girls one cup." It's old news over here, but I figured I'd let you in on one of the nastiest, wide-spread internet porn phenomena in ages.

In fact, you may find yourself projecting some vomit whilst you watch the "film." Watching this will make you feel less ugly, I think. Or maybe it will make you feel ugly on the inside. :(

P.S. I wish we'd become IM buddies. Oh well. Surely after you view my recommendation you'll really, really want to be my IM buddy.


Anonymous said...

To those tempted to follow the advice of anonymous above I suggest reading the wiki page first ... that was enough to put me off ;)

2 girls 1 cup wiki page

Helga Hansen said...

I have to say there aren't that many people I know who would look after me if I had dried vomit all over me. Ange is a lucky girl... sure it isn't love? ;)

Be careful of the Internet... it starts with cyber-sex, and before you know it, you're having an affair... oh, no, sorry, that's just me! (Well, me and a few thousand others just like me.... *evil Internet*!!!

Anonymous said...

Hello Bete (sorry, don't know how to get the circumflex over the 'e')
I've just discovered your blog and wanted to tell you how much I've enjoyed reading it.

I hope you don't mind my asking, but do you still intend to do the speed dating thing?

I was a bit worried about you doing it because I've heard that they can be quite brutal affairs. A friend of mine went along to one and, although she's normally a fairly confident person, she ended up feeling quite crushed by it. She's in her early forties and found that the men simply weren't interested in talking to someone her age and didn't feel any compunction about making this plain.

I've got a feeling that this type of event generally attracts the kind of people who

a) are quite confident in their own sexual attractiveness and therefore might be a bit unkind about others being less attractive, and

b) think that you can tell enough about a person from a 2 minute encounter to decide if they want to go on a proper date.

I think one of your other commenters suggested that you might do better meeting women in environments where they have a chance to get to know you as a person, rather than you immediately presenting yourself as a potential boyfriend, and I think that that's actually very good advice.

If you meet women in a less pressurised situation, like an evening class or a community group, it would give you a chance to stealthily win them over with your wit and charm, rather than forcing them to give you an immediate 'yes' or 'no' based on more superficial things.

Anyway, I wish you lots of luck with your weight loss and I'll be popping back to see how you're getting on!


Suzi said...

Be careful with that cybersex stuff. I ended up married to the guy I was virtually boinking. Turned out he was even better in person ...

La Bête said...

I’ve heard about this girls and cup lark a few times over the last few months, but I really have no desire to see it. I was on a late-night bus once when this young boy made me look at some short films on his mobile telephone. They were, if I remember correctly, a bald man pushing his entire head into a woman’s vagina, a woman producing oranges out of her vagina, and a man ejaculating onto a woman’s lower intestine (or something) which she had just pushed out of her vagina. These images haunted me for weeks, making me retch. Do you see? I have no desire to watch girls vomiting into each other’s mouths. Jesus, I feel absolutely awful now. I hope you’re happy, Tamara.

I am a bit in love with Ange, yes, Helga. I have been for about 20 years. Actually, mopping up her sick may have cured me.

Hello, Vicky! Welcome. Yeah, I think I’ll give the speed dating a go anyway. I kind of don’t mind if it turns out to be hideous. It’ll still be fun writing about it, you know? It’ll be an experience. Plus, you never know. You. Never. Know.

Thanks for the warning, sj. I shall bear it in mind.

Anonymous said...

Aw, Stan. Don't be cross with me. While I'm not entirely happy after reading your response, I did chuckle a little, especially at the thought of a man pushing his entire head into a woman's vajay-jay. I find that grotesque and fascinating all at once.

I hope you feel better soon. Really. (I just read your latest sicky post.)

And, uh, Urbane Spaceman, my post was not "anonymous." I clearly signed it. I just don't have a cool blog like most everyone else who responds to Bete de Jour.