Friday, 16 May 2008

Feedback Friday :: No Value, No Glamour

bulk :: 16st 2 (Oops. Um… not really sure what happened here. Actually I am sure. Pizza and chocolate biscuits. That’s what happened. With extra gorgonzola. Plus at some stage I thought, ‘Well, I’ll be training for the marathon in June – surely I can afford a little blow-out before then?’ I’m just amazed how quickly it all piles back on. I reckon if I really put the effort in, I could be back to 20 stone by the end of the month. I don’t want to do that however. That would be ghastly.)
alcohol units imbibed :: 16
cigarettes smoked :: 0
runs run :: 0 (Hmm. Well, there you go. The weight gain begins to make even more sense. I am playing tennis tomorrow though, if that’s any consolation.)
status updates :: 1
value :: 0
glamour :: 0

My brain is officially dead. It has no value. It has no glamour. Finance has filled it with fog and fur. Foreign financiers have fucked it foroughly. And frankly, I’ve had enough for this week.

Sally’s out with friends tonight, which is a shame, but Keith has come out of hiding. Turns out he’d been asleep. After working stupid-long hours on a chocolate bar ad for five days, he went home and to sleep for 38 hours solid. Now he’s awake and suggests a catch-up with skunkweed and beer. As it happens, I can think of very few things I’d like more.

The only reservation I have is that Sally doesn’t like me smoking dope. She really hates it. Doesn’t like the smell of it on me; doesn’t like the taste. I told her it makes me eat more so she should be pleased. She wasn’t. She doesn’t even like me doing it when she’s not around. And I don’t want to upset or annoy her. But at the same time…

When I mentioned this on the phone to Keith not half an hour ago, he laughed. Then he said: ‘You’re such a fucking twat. You’ve gone from 30-year-old semi-virgin to treacherous love-rat to spineless pussy-whipped eunuch in the space of six months. You don’t know how ridiculous you are. And you don’t know a fucking thing about women.’ I laughed. Then I hung up.

I’m sick of people telling me I don’t know anything about women.

Part of me wants to say to Sally, ‘Listen. Shagpuss. I am what I am and that’s that. Take it or leave it.’ But of course I’m afraid that she’ll leave it.

Another part of me wants to never ever touch another cannabinoid as long as I live and to say to Sally, ‘Look! Look what I did for you! See? I’d do anything for you.’ But I’ve had an incredibly brain-frazzling week and I want nothing more than to smoke a few joints with my oldest friend because, frankly speaking, it’s one of life’s greatest pleasures.

And I keep thinking to myself, what am I? A man or a mouse?

Oh, Sally.

Please don’t leave me.


In other news, a few people have asked me about the results of the survey. I’m afraid you’re going to have to wait a while longer though. So far, I’ve only received 243 responses, and I’m guessing maybe 10% of those are spoiled (or whatever the word is for surveys that have been opened and pooh-poohed). Apparently that’s still not a bad sample – I was chatting to Frank last night who recently did some work for an internationally renowned arts institute that I swore I would not mention by name, and they commissioned a survey which received around a hundred responses. Fuck the ICA however – no, I’m just kidding, it wasn't them. It really wasn't.

But still, I paid for a thousand respondents, so next week I’m going to try and go after the other 757. At the moment however, I haven’t a clue how to go about it. Any suggestions gratefully received.

Now my fingers are failing and my eyesight is fading fast. Time to drink till I’m drunk, and to smoke till I’m senseless.

Have a great weekend.

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Anonymous said...

Sorry but I'm with Keith. You are who you are, if you don't smoke dope under her nose (so to speak) then she can't really complain. If a guy I had been dating for just a few weeks rolled over and did everything I said I would be bored witless and ditch him for being a pussy.
That's just me though ;o)

Misssy M said...

I think all you can do is promise not to smoke it around her. That's fair and chivalrous enough.

It's not as if you are Pete Docherty or Zammo McGuire.

Anonymous said...

She needs to get stoned.

Anonymous said...

I think that you've received excellent advice from both Penelope and Missy M; don't smoke around your lady love. You needn't hide from her that you do, either.
Show a little backbone!

Anonymous said...

Congrats on being done with the wonderful and interesting world of least for this week.

I think you're entitled to a bit of R & R with your oldest, and newly rested, friend.

So, go on! Have a grand old session!

But, if you want to quit smoking- then do it for you and not just to please Sally.

It's not like you sprung it on her. It's abundantly clear in your blog that you like a joint(amongst other things)every now and then.

Personally, I think being in a relationship requires acceptance and compromise. You can't say that you like someone for who they are, and then try to mold them into your ideal.

If you don't like smokers of any kind, then don't date them. If you do like someone despite the fact that they smoke, deal with it because you made a choice.

I do think it's enough that you don't insist on doing it around her.

If it's just the taste and smell that bother her- then maybe you should invest in some mints and cologne ;-)

Carolina said...

As Ferris Bueller says "you just can't respect someone who kisses your ass", so spark it up, have a mint, and then kiss her on her man pleaser. That she will respect!

Miss Schlegel said...

On her "man pleaser"! Goodness! I'm slightly turned on and I don't even know what it is.

Anyway, I'm with everyone else, it's bloody ridiculous for anyone's partner to try and control what they do or don't do when they're not around. Unless it's, like, sexing other ladies or something.

I'm married to a total square-o who eschews all drugs and never has more than two glasses of wine. So I do those things with my girlfriends. Everyone's happy, what?

DJ Kirkby said...

Sally is going to have to put up with it, there are much worse things you could be doing. She can't completly remake your personality, control freakiness should not be allowed in any relationship! G'wan...tell her I said it was okay for you to enjoy yourself.

Unknown said...

Poor Ekow!

Stevyn Colgan said...

Enjoy life. Never put off until tomorrow what you can do today. If you do it today and like it ... you can do it twice tomorrow.

It's a short life and we're dead a long time.

Anonymous said...

"could be back to 20 stone by the end of the month. I don’t want to do that however. That would be ghastly."

As someone who is over 20 stone I could not agree with you more. (It is ghastly! Who would want to weigh over 300 lbs! A fool, that's who!)

That would be the reason why I have just started my NEW blog and NEW diet this very day then, wouldn't it.

I'm currently just under 23 stone (to be confirmed at official weigh in on Monday 19 May) which is around 320 lbs and I hate it, hate my weight, hate my body, hate the way I look, etc.

Which is why I intend to do something about it (while blogging about the journey at the same time).

Loving your blog, Bete. I expect that only in my dreams will my brand new bloggy efforts be anywhere near as good as yours, but I will try.

BPP said...

You could always take up heroin instead. Then, after you life's spiralled down the toilet and you're selling your arse for tuppence, you can tell her your misery's all her fault as she should have let you stay on the doobies. This'll make her feel guilty, and assure a victory for our side in man's constant battle with the monstrous regiment of women. The oly downside is you'll be a heroin-addicted man whore.

Anonymous said...

You PAID for me to respond? Wow.

Anonymous said...

You PAID for me to respond? Wow.

curly said...

soz but I'm with Sally on the dope. I never done it myself (embarressingly never been able to master inhilation of ciggies) but if I could relate it to that other slightly perspective altering recreational drug (alcohol) I do understand why people like to partake (despite ALL drugs being the root of all evil and generally bad for you). Because when its good it makes us feel nice and funny and brave. But its not very real is it. I'm sure she's not laying down the law and turning into a nightmare bitch of gf. She just cares. And she likes you for who you are - not the 'enhanced' version of you.

There is most likely something you will discover about Sally where you think 'nope I just don't want her doing that to herself'. And both of you are going to have to find a way to compromise and trust the other to do whats best for them. So yeah, maybe just tone it down a bit - let her know that you take on board her opinions and will consider them

And I disagree with Keith. You know shit loads about lots of stuff including the inner workings of women - you must do or else you wouldn't be the splendid person you are; and so many women wouldn't love reading your blogs otherwise. So there

Anonymous said...

Get stoned, and to hell with the consequences.

As for survey respondents, maybe stick it on Digg? May help to a small degree.

Anonymous said...

you really are planning to read through, then collate and present the results of, 1000 questionnaires? blimey. I thought that was just hyperboly.

I confess I thionk you might struggle to get that many, but what do I know? I do think the number you have already is well impressive. I guess the only way to get more is to pip it like mad. Make yourself ubiquitous. Make friends. Find new blogs, popular blogs, and make yourself visible - in an entertaining and interesting way - in their comments boxes. BEFORE you mention the questionnaire. And link to people. People do love to be liknked to, and if you do it in an imaginative way, they'll come see what you're about.

Another thing you could try is to start a meme or some kind of viral marketing. Something that has the quiz cleverly embedded within it.

And you could try getting one of the bigger community sites to advertise it for you, like BritBlogs or whatever the in thing is these days (I got bored of trying to keep up with them all, and stopped paying attention).

Anonymous said...

P.S. "I think all you can do is promise not to smoke it around her. That's fair and chivalrous enough."

I agree. She shouldn't be trying to change who you are. And anyway, dope-smoking is fun. And stimulating. It's not like it's heroin. If you gave it up, you'd just feel resentful and blame her. And you should tell her that. What's she going to do, finish with you because you said something sensible?

Anonymous said...

Does she kow the url for this blog, btw? I know she knows it exists...

The Monkeyman said...

Keith knows you better than you know yourself.

La Bête said...

Thanks everyone, for your advice. I acted upon it. Which thankfully is what I think I would have done anyway. Otherwise I’d be showing spinelessness on an unprecedented level in just going along with what you had to say.

I put my foot down. I kissed her on the man pleaser. We read these comments together on Sunday. It was fun.

Michael :: Naughty. (It wasn’t the ICA!)

Goodbyetoallfat :: Excellent. I hope you enjoy keeping your blog as much as I enjoy keeping mine. I’ve found it’s harder than growing plants, but much more rewarding.

BPP :: That’s a downside?

Yeah, alright. That is a downside.

Rhodri :: I paid £13 for a month’s worth of Premium Poll Daddy. That’s a dollar an inch, and well worth every penny.

Curly :: “I do understand why people like to partake… Because when its good it makes us feel nice and funny and brave. But its not very real is it… she likes you for who you are - not the 'enhanced' version of you.”

I would argue that it is real, that I’m as much me when I’ve had a smoke as I am when I haven’t.

I think I’ve got a pretty good handle on what smoking does to my brain; it encourages it to cut corners in ordinary thinking patterns and in so doing enables me to come up with different things. It makes me think in a different way. My brain also speeds up and that means I lose focus and end up flitting from one thing to another. I like it. And as for being ‘enhanced’, let me ask you this: are you ‘enhanced’ by exercising, or eating a large healthy meal or a bloody steak, or by singing in a choir or whipping yourself raw with chains of barbed wire? I would say that yes, you are, but are you any less who you really are? I think not. If anything, you might actually be more. What do you think?

I agree about taking on board what Sally says however. I have done and I’ve thought more about the whole thing because of it. And I feel exonerated.

And thanks for saying I know shit loads about the inner workings of women. Sally was particularly amused by that.

Swineshead :: I’ve already tried that. I’ve whored myself on Digg shamelessly and nothing ever came of it. Done with Digg.

Clare :: Yeah, that’s pretty much what I’m just about to get going on. Whoring myself basically. As for thinking up some cunning viral marketing thingy however, that might be a little trickier. But I’ll do my best. And yeah, Sally knows the blog well. She finds it all a little bizarre.

Monkeyman :: Touché!

Non Je Ne Regrette Rien said...

on survey: you could post a bit ad on your sidebar, right under your email subscription, regarding your survey. offer a prize or something. anyway, I just completed it. one other word of advice - don't let on how long it is!!! ;P

La Bête said...

That's a damn good idea, Frenchy. Merci muchly. (It's not that long, come on. it simply flies by!)