Thursday, 17 July 2008

Sex Facts of the Animals. And Ange (The Littlest Ho)

Ange Fact

Ange was 13 when she swallowed her first mouthful of male ejaculate.

Now, the last thing I want is to seem like I’m passing judgement, but in my most humble opinion, that’s just a tiny bit on the young side.

I on the other hand was 24 when my taste buds first thrilled to the tang of a lady’s toilet area.

Again, the last thing I want is to seem like I’m passing judgement, but in my most humble opinion, that’s just a tiny bit on the old side.

Animal Fact #1 :: The Giraffe

Giraffes regularly indulge in all-male sex orgies. They are gay.

Ange Fact

Ange has Chlamydia.

I do not.

We are different people. Different animals. On Sunday we went to the zoo together. I took photos and learned some things. When she told me she had Chlamydia, I waggled my finger in her pretty, cum-hungry face and said: ‘As ye reap, so shall ye sow.’

Ange, to her credit, told me to go fuck myself, before adding, ‘And it’s the other way around, you dickhead.’

Ah, yes. So it is.

Animal Fact #2 :: The Iguana

The female iguana has retractile spines on the inner wall of her vagina, with which she is able to pierce her partner’s member and hold him in place long after he has ejaculated inside her. Why she has evolved this ability is not known, although zoologists suspect that it is ‘just for fun’.

Ange Fact

By the time she’d left school, Ange had worked her way through five boyfriends. While I was at home experimenting with Marmite, she was in her boyfriend’s car, all fingers and thumbs.

The fact is, I’m enormously envious of Ange. She has abilities I do not. Sex abilities.

Animal Fact #3 :: The Peruvian Semen Monkey

The Peruvian Semen Monkey is so-called because of the male’s astonishing capacity for producing and disseminating three times its own body weight in sperm in a single day.

I actually had to physically restrain Ange.

Ange Fact

Ange has had two abortions. (I’m not so envious of these.)

Animal Fact #4 :: The Gorilla

The gorilla is not a very sexy creature. Although gorillas are monogamous – which is nice – they only actually make love once every 70 years. The rest of the time they just sit around talking about the weather.

Ange Fact

Ange is a very sexy creature. She has a wonderful tongue, which she has a tendency to roll out onto her chin when she thinks she has said something amusing. I realise this sounds rather revolting, but it isn’t. Honest.

Animal Fact #5 :: The Penguin

When it comes to sex, the penguin’s reputation for sweetness and charm is completely unfounded. The female penguin is a cow. When confronted with a male in whom she has no interest, sexually, she will often knock him to the floor and trample all over him. If the male is foolish enough to take umbrage, the female will spit poison in his eyes then simply turn her back and ignore him. It should come as no surprise to learn that the female penguin works in television.

Rogue Fact

If I had been born a beautiful woman, I would have cocks coming out of my arse.

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Anonymous said...

Who is Ange?

La Bête said...


Who are you?

Tim Footman said...

If you'd been born a beautiful woman, you wouldn't be writing this blog.

oatmeal girl said...

Have I ever flat out told you that I worship your writing?

Right. Didn't think I had.

I worship your writing.

I suppose you'd rather I worshiped your cock but I'm a little far away for it to do any good. It's good to take adoration where you can find it.

Anonymous said...

I'm not quite sure I believe you about the giraffes, Mr Bete. If, as I am, you are fortunate enough have witnessed the improbable manipulation of the law of gravity that is giraffes shagging you will have noticed that they practically need a crane to do it the traditional way. A couple of gay orgies would put giraffes a lot higher up the endangered species list, I should think.

Anonymous said...

I'm sure you could still have cocks coming out of your arse if you wanted them to, my darling.

BenefitScroungingScum said...

Ange Fact: She is currently planning your castration

curly said...

hmmmm. I think we the commentees need a new posting rule putting in place. please could you make sure that Friday Feedback is posted by 16.30 (and no later) on a Friday afternoon. This ensures that all those sad souls with no access to technology beyond a DVD player and electric toothbrush over the weekend (ie. me) can see Friday Feedback on a Friday without having to wait alllllll the way until Monday morning. This also has a benefit for you - doesn't matter what you do (joints, booze) or don't do (runs & swims) on a Friday night as they are not included!! Brilliant. You are not accountable for your Friday evenings and can run amock.

However I still think we need a lovely new post every Monday morning also to cheer us up at work.


And have a great weekend.

Anonymous said...

Penguins are poisonous? Get outta town!- I think you made that up- I do however know you are correct about the Giraffes... but did you know that some penguins of the same sex choose that mate for life. Although not as fantastic as an orgy- I thought it was worth mentioning.

Ahem...Does this mean that Not Keith may have Chlamydia too and so by default Patricia may have it too. This is not good and should be looked into, since the effects can be permanently damaging to ladies and not to mention gross and often not even noticed by the person who has it.

However, at least it's not herpes or something else that's for life. A couple weeks or so on Antibiotics and voilà!