Friday, 29 February 2008

Feedback Friday :: Arise, Brother Bête


bulk :: 18st 2 (don’t know how it happened, but I’ve lost nothing this week. I’m guessing it was to do with levelling out after the illness. It’s still very disappointing though. But I have to look at the bigger picture. For weeks ago I weighed 19 stone. Now I weigh 12 pounds less. And that is to be commended. If I could reach, I’d give myself a slap on the back.)
cigarettes smoked :: 0
units of alcohol imbibed :: 6 (crikey. I’ve just realised, the only difference between me and a monk is that monks believe in God and I don’t. I used to though. Maybe I can pick it up again and fashion myself a crazy tonsure. I bet monks have more sex than me. I’ve seen The Name of the Rose, I know they do. God, I so want to be a monk all of a sudden.)
runs run :: 3
friendships jeopardised :: 3
marks overstepped :: 1
lessons learned :: 2 (don’t blog about your friends’ personal lives if you think they might be reading / don’t pleasure yourself after chopping chilli without first having thoroughly washed your hands – more like an old lesson relearned, this one)


So it’s been a funny old week. And one I’m just about ready to put behind me.

Boof!

There it goes.

Now, I’ve discovered this thing. This thing is called Madal Bal Natural Tree Syrup, and here is the good news.


Madal Bal Natural Tree Syrup is a safe and natural detox with no preservatives and no chemical processes. The Lemon Detox allows the body to cleanse itself naturally of accumulated toxins and helps the body to normalise its weight.


YES!


The body has miraculous powers to cleanse itself. Unfortunately much of what we eat today in the western world is useless and the numerous chemicals and toxins that have been introduced into the natural environment can find their ways into our bodies through the air we breathe and the water we drink. The Natural Tree Syrup & Lemon Detox lets the body cleanse itself naturally while you take a break from solid food.


YES!

Furthermore, apparently, people who have completed the detox programme frequently report a wide variety of benefits including…

• Cleansing the body of toxins

YES!

• Effective weight loss

YES!

• Increased vigour and vitality

YES!

• Better digestion

YES!

• Sounder sleep

YES!

• Better circulation

YES!

• Shiny hair and stronger nails

YES!

• Clear skin and eyes

YES!

• Greater resistance to illness

YES!

• Reduced dependence on supplements and drugs

YES!

• Fortified will-power and determination

YES GODDAMMIT!

• Improved concentration and clarity of thought

Er…. YES!

• Balanced emotions

Yes.

• Happier, more positive outlook

YES! ; )

• Sense of inner peace

And relax.

How absolutely wonderful does that sound?

It’s £37, which isn’t cheap, but for all those benefits it’s surely the bargain of the century.

I can’t help thinking there must be some sort of catch – like maybe falling down dead after 72 hours – but to hell with it, it’s got to be worth a shot. I’ve sent off for some, and I’m going to give it a go. I plan to do a week, which is the time recommended for a detox beginner. I’m very much looking forward to it. It’ll be like going on a retreat. Of course! My monky business! This fasting will be exactly what I need to tip me over the edge into a total religious fervour! I'll probably be speaking in tongues and all sorts by the end of the week. Fantastic. Benediction followed by superhot monk sex here I come!




The Lord make his face shine upon thee, and be gracious unto thee.

Cool.

Have a good weekend.



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17 comments:

Anonymous said...

I can't believe that you've really only got about a dozen regular readers. Regular posters, maybe, but your readers who lurk but do not post must number in the lots of dozens surely.

Anyway, the tree syrup thing sounds bonkers, and so do you for shelling out £37.

I know it's old hat now, and you've Boofed it behind you, but I've been away for a few days, and can't resist a comment now that I'm back.

Your Keith/racist bird post was misguided. There, I've said it.

Hope you all recover from the fallout.

Glamourpuss said...

I've heard a lot about that syrup - some swear by it, some think it's a pile of crap. Proceed with caution would be my advice.

Puss

dan said...

Hey Bête, I guess I'm a stranger as I've never commented before, but it doesn't quite feel like that. Just wanted to let you know that I'm here and you're trying out all the things I wanted to, you're my canary!
Best of luck with all things, an avid fan...
Oh yes, and a bloke. Sorry.

Urbane Spaceman said...

Did a week long detox some time back and felt much better for it, in addition to losing about 3 kg.

Thing is I put it down to all the stuff you're supposed to give up while taking the detox stuff. I have yet to test the theory (due to a humungous lack of will power) but I reckon you could achieve the same effects by simply giving up meat, dairy, alcohol, meat, refined sugar, refined starches (white bread, pasta, rice etc).

I don't reckon you could achieve the same effect by just taking the supplements, although they do make your poo runny, if you like that sort of thing.

Penelope said...

>>For weeks ago I weighed 19 stone.<<
Shame on you after you picked on someone the other day for getting there "your" and "you're" messed up! (Please take that in the teasing manner in which it was intended!)
That aside I'm deeply jealous that you lost 12 lbs in FOUR weeks. It's taken me 7 to lose 1 stone.

Carolina said...

So let me get this straight. Approximately a week after you receive your detox syrup, I will be amongst a dozen readers of a blog authored by a healthy, sexy, atheist monk that is getting laid by the hot local peasant heretic. God bless the sweet baby jesus, indeed ;-)

Anonymous said...

Stan, I know you'll find it tough to have to pick up on Penelope's there/their, so I'll do it for you.

There.

Phew, this is a harsh site for innocent posters, eh?

Wisewebwoman said...

I'm always a sucker for these idiotic detoxes that blatantly and hypocritically tell you that their magical elixirs are free of the stuff we breathe and eat. HOW CAN THEY BE? They grow and are harvested in this, our toxic universe.
Personally, I found the egg and grapefruit only diet (organic eggs, organic grapefruit)the best 30 days ever for tossing off 20 lbs.
And it's all you can eat because on the 3rd day you don't want to....blergh

Ro said...

"Natural Tree Syrup" eh?

I can't help wondering, if the natural stuff is so amazing what would Unnatural Tree Syrup do for you?

And, incidentally, I think any week when you've learned two lessons has to be counted as a positive one. Especially the lesson about chilli. Just make sure you've learned that lesson properly this time, eh?

Helga Hansen said...

Hello... is this the Society for Linguistic Pedants?

I'd like to order several bottles of your miracle detox stuff... I have several stones to lose, although I must say, the grapefruit and egg diet looks rather appealing! Hhhhmmm... let me rethink my order - economics must come into the equation, after all!

Well done on the weight-loss thing, though. Any secrets on how you gave up the ciggies? (Mr Hansen is a smoker.)

Sue said...

Ah, finally, a chance to speak...

Tough luck with the chili powder. Sounds as painful as spraying my hair with pepper spray. (Hey, I thought it was hairspray, ok? I was also nine.) I got it in my eyes.

Penelope said...

Oh my God I am so blonde! I can't believe I screwed up "there" and "their" - I NEVER do that! I guess I'll go and hide under a stone for a while ;o) I'll be the wino in the corner if you need me!

MelbourneChick said...

Oh God.. this lemon detox crap has been around the nets for a long time. Please don't give in to fad crazes... you seem much smarter than that!
Losing weight isn't an overnight thing (believe me, as someone who's struggled with their weight all their life I know). You were on the right path with healthy eating and exercise... why torture youself with this stuff?

Lauren said...

Bete, hows the detox coming?? My first (and only) Detox was 3 weeks long. All I had were fruit/why protein smoothies, salad w/ no dressing, 4 minute steamed veggies, and a handful of nuts. Def got hard by the end, but I lost 10 pounds. A stone is 10 pounds, correct? I am American.

Helga Hansen said...

Lauren... four more pounds and you'll have that magical stone. It's 14lbs to a stone... good luck!

Anonymous said...

Bonjour la bête,

"Manger un peu de tout, et de tout un peu."
That would be my advice. Eat a bit of everything, and everything in small quantities.
In this world of excess, being sensible sounds very boring, but I'd rather trust the old saying than some magical syrup.
Bonne chance quand même.

Uncle Did

La Bête said...

Anon, the tree syrup thing does sound a bit bonkers, doesn’t it? I think that’s kind of why I’m so excited by it. Thanks for your good thoughts.

Puss, yes. Caution. A little caution anyway. It’s not like it could kill me, not eating for a week. And the chances are, I will fail at about 9pm on the first day. That’s my bet.

Hi Dan. I’m perfectly happy to be your canary. Although it’s probably the bird I least resemble if I’m honest.

Spaceman, just the fact that you felt much better for it means it was definitely worth doing.

Penelope, what happened to you in these comments is truly horrible and I am sorry. Not only did you commit the cardinal sin of making a mistake while you were being all supercilious and correcting someone else, but – even worse – there was no actual mistake in the first place. I didn’t want to say ‘four weeks ago’. I wanted to say ‘for weeks ago’, in the same way that you might say ‘for Thine is the Kingdom’. Well, that’s my story and I’m very much sticking to it.

Carolina… inshallah.

WWW, your egg and grapefruit diet sounds really unpleasant to me. There would be a smell. Plus I can’t eat grapefruit without half a bag of sugar or a jar of honey, which I think might defeat the purpose a little.

Ro, I know. It all sounds a little odd to me too. Aren’t they just talking about sap? (I guess they didn’t want to call it ‘Sap’ because everyone would say that that’s what you have to be to buy it.)

HH, there are no secrets on the smoking thing, as far as I know. It really is just a case of not picking them up and smoking them and when you get the urge, do something else. If you’re concentrating on something else, the urge disappears. I find it’s not as all-encompassing an urge as hunger. But maybe I was just lucky.

Sue, ouch.

Hi, Melbournechic. I am not smarter than that I’m afraid. I like nothing better than the latest fad craze, or even a really old one, and just as soon as this detox thing fails I shall be sending my bank account details to the grandson of the former king of Burkina Faso. He has $45m he needs help in getting rid of. And he’s chosen me!!!

Lauren, I’ve not started yet. Still waiting for my product to arrive in the post. Yours sounds like a healthier detox, I must say. And ten pounds in three weeks is excellent. Not a stone, but excellent nonetheless.

Mon oncle, your words are wise and I appreciate them. But once a while in life, even if you know it’s wrong and you know you’re going to make a fool of yourself, I think you have to put your faith in a magical syrup.