Friday, 18 July 2008

Feedback Friday :: Shami Dreamer

bulk :: 16st 2
exercise :: none
appointments :: 1
disappointments :: 1
prophetic dreams :: 1

So. You will notice that I have lapsed. My year of living salubriously seems to have hit a brick wall. There is however, a reason for this. The reason is, I don't give a damn anymore. I have completely given up.

I have decided that rather than ending the year a lithe, healthy 31-year-old in a rewarding and loving relationship with a gloriously special lady, I shall end it a lonely, 24-stone disaster area with a fucked spine and a heart condition. Rather than running the London Marathon, my ambition is now to save up enough money for gastric bypass surgery.

I jest of course.

In reality, a second person - Frank - suggested that it would be very unwise of me to continue exercising until I make sure that my back is OK, so I have decided not to take any risks. In fact, I have made an appointment with a chiropractor for next week. Finally. Fingers crossed I'll be back running and cracking on with the healthy stuff very soon, and not - worst case scenario - sitting in a wheelchair covered in biscuits.

In other news, the flat I was hoping to move into in a couple of months has – for reasons very much not worth going into - fallen through. So it looks like I may be living with Keith for the rest of my life. Or at least until he moves his adorable new girlfriend in and kicks me out.

So. This morning around 7 I awoke from a very strange dream. It went a little like this...

I was attending an event – a talk about human rights – with Sally. We weren’t together in a sexy way, but it was quite clear that she wanted me. I meanwhile, was playing it very cool.

There were a couple of hundred wooden chairs laid out in rows and people were milling about waiting for the talk to begin.

Shami Chakrabarti was giving the talk, and – unusually for her I think – she was going to finish by performing a few songs on her ukulele.

Sally and I sat in the front row and somehow, quite suddenly, I had Shami Chakrabarti’s ukulele in my hands and I was trying and failing to play it. This was enormously frustrating because in real life I am shit hot on the ukulele. In the dream however, try as I might, my fingers would simply not do that which my brain asked of them.

Then all at once it came together and for about five seconds I played the most complex and hauntingly beautiful arrangement which has ever been played on any musical instrument, ever. But it didn't last long and it ended with me loudly and embarrassingly breaking two of the strings.

At which point, Shami Chakrabarti decided she needed her ukulele. When she saw what I’d done to it, she was furious, and I was mortified. Embarrassed and ashamed.

Suddenly, from nowhere, David Tennant appeared. He told me he’d smoothed things over with Shami and explained to her that I’m not a bad sort really, but if I wanted to get out of this situation with my dignity intact, I’d better get the ukulele fixed immediately.

So I took off and ran for all I was worth through this rather quaint, slightly Dickensian town. I flew into the first music shop I found and asked about ukulele strings. I was in luck. Except for the fact that I hadn’t brought the ukulele with me. So I ran back to Shami, grabbed the ukelele, ran back to the shop, restrung the ukulele, then ran back again to the event where everyone was waiting. However, on that final stretch, that's where things turned awry. Suddenly, I found that no matter how hard I tried, I could no longer run.

I just couldn’t lift my legs. Like I was up to my hips in wet sand.

I began to panic. I couldn't breathe. I didn't think I was going to make it.

Then, quick as a flash, things changed and I was there.

I handed over the ukulele and everything was OK.

I woke up.


What on earth can it mean?

Well, for me it’s obvious.

What it means is - simply - that everything is going to be alright.


Have a lovely weekend.

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Victoria said...

You could just be...underheight?

Lauren said...

if it's any consolation, I semi-regularly have dreams during which my body will not do what I tell it, during which I am completely unable to process combinations and dance the way I can in real life. thing is, these dreams are so vivid and terrifying that I wake up thinking that I really can't move my limbs. as a dancer, this is very scary. probably a fear of losing what I have, a fear of not having the ability needed to achieve my dreams. In my dreams I'm always in a very important class, audition, or performance when this happens. So don't fear, because thankfully dreams are NOT reality.

Ani Smith said...

I have those dreams, too, constantly. Except I always wake up extremely frustrated and upset, before anything gets resolved.

Wisewebwoman said...

DREAM: You are holding yourself back from living your life fully, BDJ. As some of us are wont to do. With addictions.
Like many addictions for me (food, yes, that too).
Inability to perform, ill at ease, running hither and yon in the dream. Not comofrtable in own skin.
An extremely validating dream as to where you are in life.
Embrace it and move on and away from whatever holds you back.

Sarah said...

It means you should stop eating cheese before you go to sleep.

Selena said...

Yes, it will... Have a wonderful weekend Bete and everyone else too.

Artful Kisser said...

I say playing the ukelele for Sally in your dream is akin to strumming her love lute for her - cept you're actually strumming Shami's love lute for her... Good luck with the chiro!

DJ Kirkby said...

Erm...I think you need a holiday.

Larry Teabag said...

To interpret this dream correctly, you must discover what the complex and hauntingly beautiful music was that you played on Shami's ukulele. I'd suggest you start your investigation here.

BenefitScroungingScum said...

Sounds like the kind of event I want to be at!
I think dreams where you can't move etc are called hypnagogic dreams, or something like that anyway.
Bendy Girl

Je ne regrette rien said...

I believe all of the answers to your blog post's questions lie in taking up swimming. Swimming as an exercise is low impact to the spine. Problem one solved. Swimming will get you out of Keith's house more and perhaps YOU shall meet the next cute girlfriend with an even better flat. Solution two. Underwater dreams, dreams of floating, wet dreams ... all induced by regular swimming and far superior than the nightmare of being stuck in the mud. Or is that a stick in the mud?

There will be no fee for this session, consider it introductory. *beatific smile*

janetyjanet said...

I'm with Sarah & blame the pre-bedtime cheese toasties

Anonymous said...

Shami Chakrabarti gets on my nerves, actually. Whenever she appears on Question Time, she always makes a pious statement which she obviously thinks is the most profound thing that anyone has ever said. And then she immediately takes a very small sip of water whilst peering over the top of the glass. It's that water sipping which really gets to me. I don't know why. Anyway, what were you saying about your dream?

Carnalis said...

did the speed dating work for Keith?

yes .. i believe everything will be ok in the end