Friday, 25 July 2008

Feedback Friday :: Spine


bulk :: 16st 4
cigarettes smoked :: 0
joints smoked :: 0
units of alcohol imbibed :: 10ish
letters of complaint toiled over :: 1
chiropractic visits :: 2
chiropractic fantasies :: 6


So. Let’s call her Naomi. Naomi is slight of frame and dark of skin, with wonderful posture and lovely strong hands. I felt slightly ashamed to be honest, standing there in front of her with my stoop and my belly and my big baggy undies. At least they were clean though. Ish.

She started by asking me questions about my medical history. She was interested in my mother’s arthritis and wanted to know whether it was rheumatoid arthritis or osteoarthritis. I told her I didn’t know. She said maybe I could find out. I told her my mother was dead and that my father and I are severely estranged. She said, ‘Oh.’ I nodded in agreement. ‘Quite,’ I said. Then there was a pause, in which I think we both felt slightly uncomfortable. ‘Maybe I can find out anyway,’ I said, in an attempt to jolly things up a bit. But actually, maybe I can. I’ve been thinking about my Dad quite a bit recently. I’ve been thinking that I should make an effort to see him, and reconcile with him, before I wake up one morning to a letter telling me that he’s dead. Because then, even though I don’t think I have anything to feel guilty about, I will feel guilty. And that will suck.

After our little chat, Naomi proceeded to poke and prod me with her bright little hands, trying to find out what hurt and what didn’t. Typically, nothing hurt, as my back had decided to start behaving itself just a couple of days before my first session.

The best part of that first session was undoubtedly when Naomi covered her sweet little fingers with some medical massage oil and rubbed it into my big old rubbery stretch-marked back. It was so pleasant that I was afraid I might sustain an erection, and then when I didn’t, for some reason I was actually quite disappointed. Weirdo.

The worst part of the visit was when Naomi had me straddle the table with my arms crossed over my chest, then grabbed my upper body and twisted it sharply. I enjoyed the proximity, don’t get me wrong. I even didn’t mind her slightly rotten breath on my face – it was after all, human breath, and that’s better than no breath at all (it’s also better than cat breath). What upset me though, was that she wasn’t able to make my spine go ‘pop’. That’s what was supposed to happen. But it didn’t. Naomi was also disappointed. I could tell. ‘Ah,’ she said. ‘It should really be easier than that.’ Made me feel like a bit of a failure if I’m honest.

The second session was slightly more interesting as my spine gave way a little and I left with a huge pain in my neck. Overall though, I’m still not sure about this chiro lark. Although it’s undeniably pleasant to have an attractive and attentive young woman laying her hands on my naked flesh, that’s really not enough of an incentive. After all, for the same money, or even less, I could have an attractive and attentive young woman lay much more than mere hands on me. For me to continue with this, there has to be some sort of tangible result. So I’ve decided, I’ll give it five sessions, and if by the end of that time my spine is not popping like a field of corn and I’m not as lithe as a whip, then I think I’ll cut my losses and give pilates a go instead.

(Incidentally, Naomi told me to lay off the exercise until a few sessions in, which is why I haven’t been running. She’s going to give me some stretches to do. Gosh. Stretches. I can barely contain my joy.)

So. What else has this week offered? Well, not much, I have to say. I’ve been working quite hard on something financial and far too tedious to go into. I have a dull pain in my gut which I reckon could be stomach cancer. And I had a Magnum ice cream in a large bowl of cherry yoghurt. This undoubtedly was the highlight of my week.

Cristiano Ronaldo, eat my shorts.

Christ, I’ve got to find a girlfriend. I really have.

So I think it might be time to give the internet another crack of the whip.

Or maybe I should ring a chat line.

No.

The internet.

The internet will save me.

But first I’m going to disinfect my life. I may be some time.

Have a simply gorgeous weekend.

You’re worth it.



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15 comments:

Selena said...

I kind of think that one needs to be happy with themselves first, before they can be happy with someone else.

Maybe a girlfriend isn't the cure-all, you really need...Jus'sayin- but then again maybe it is.

Have a fabulous time trolling the internet for love ;-)

Happy Weekend!

p.s. post more often- otherwise I actually have to do work at work and that's just not right!

Anonymous said...

I am very suspicious of chiropractors. They are not medically trained at all. I find it offensive and decietful that they call themselves "doctor." They take a very short certification course and then write an essay for their exam. It's not even a supervised exam. They mail it in. Seriously. Can you imaging if people didn't have to take a supervised driving test, and just mail in a multiple choice quiz to "prove " they deserve a drivers license? It's madness! Plus, the actual "treatment" is dodgy. She may mean well, but the whole thing is a dodgy science.

Maria

T said...

Great sense of humour! :)

daisyfae said...

first professional massage i received was from a miniature woman in Bangkok. up til then, i'd always assumed someone touching my naked body with oil was an attempt to nail me. alas, no happy ending... but i wondered if i could have paid her to finish the job. perhaps if you offer Naomi a few extra dollars next time?

Anonymous said...

When I think of chiropracters the evil guild in that Simpsons episode comes to mind. Go out and find a conveniently dented dustbin and do it for yourself!

nice weekend to you!

Frank

Anonymous said...

You too, babe. I learned the hard way that it's best to steer well clear of the chiropractors till you've got proper advice from actual doctors - i.e. go and sulk/cry* in your GP's office till they refer you to someone who knows what they're doing...
(*delete according to gender preference)

misspiggy xx

Lauren said...

I find it extremely offensive - all these comments about chiropractors not having any merit. (The information claimed in the first anonymous post is just plain false!) There are chiropractors who utilize different techniques and methods - some may work for you and some may not. Finding the right chiropractor is important. Ask what techniques a chiropractor uses before scheduling an appointment. I am personally a HUGE fan of a technique called "applied kinesiology". That said Bete, it would be a good idea for you to see a sports medicine MD, and to try out Pilates. Again about Pilates - you have to shop around for the right teacher. Even if they're certified, they might not be good (or, they might just not be good for you). Trial and error! Feel better! P.S. You shouldn't come out of the chiropractors office in pain.

Anonymous said...

oeqit. I shall claim that as my name. Ta, word verification.
I can't sleep.

DJ Kirkby said...

Do you know where your dad is? Good luck with that and with getting laid!

Anonymous said...

I once had a bout of severe lower back pain, right down by my tailbone (let's say coccyx, I know you like the word) for about two weeks. It was so intense, I was having trouble sitting down without one of those cushions that look like a toilet seat, so I sought the help of a chiropractor. I had two sessions, and by then had developed some swelling in my buttock region and a fever as well.

I was wondering by the second session if it was all a load of bunkum, only to discover after a visit to the doctor that my tailbone pain and the swelling 'twixt my fleshy cheeks was, in fact, a large pilonidal abscess (common in sedentary, overweight people, usually male). After an extreeeemely painful lancing procedure, which I was told is at least equal in painfulness to childbirth, I was all right. And although my chiropractor didn't spot the problem, there were no hard feelings. I'd use one again, except my whole tailbone area is generally much improved due to regular pilates sessions.

I now eat a lot less and stand up a lot more.

There. That was like one of your stories (told with a little less flair). I feel proud to have been able to share one of my disgusting stories with you. I feel we might be kindred spirits, in this respect...

-Ally

Je ne regrette rien said...

chiro scares the crap out of me. I'm a big baby, once when I had horrible problems with my shoulder and tried everything else...I broke down and went chiro; christ, i thought she was going to break my neck. jamais, jamais!

can't wait till I again have my OWN internet, I miss reading BDJ whenever I please. Although I must note you've fallen down on the job lately, sporadic posting just won't do...even IF I can only read sporadically, I expect to be able to satiate myself when I do. get crackin'!

Wisewebwoman said...

Not enough from you lately, BDJ - more please, as others have demanded also.
Have you tried an osteopath?
I am against chiros even though some of my client base are chiros. they always want you to come back for more and leave the body 'unfinished' - I see their billings and comments, and also there has been much fuss here over clots and death at their hands. One of my friends was going to one for years for incontinence of all things and then she upped and died of an aneurism which I personally attibute to her chiro.
Just sayin' = IMHO an osteo might get to the roots of your trouble.
Fix you first before heading out to the madness of the interdates.
XO
WWW

La Bête said...

Well, I'm surprised by all this anti-chiro stuff, I must say. It reminds me of when I considered going to see a homeopath, although not quite so one-sided.

Happy finish! I do love that expression, Daisy. And it has crossed my mind recently, I must confess.

And Ally, thanks for sharing.

Anonymous said...

Now that's what I call a lie in!

cjtow

Coffee said...

Have you done chat lines before?

Please tell me this customer is you.