Friday, 8 August 2008

Feedback Friday :: Swelling A Progress

bulk :: 16st 0
cigarettes :: 0
joints:: 0
alcohol units:: 9
swims :: 1
chiropractic visits :: 1
doctor visits :: 1 registration check-up (weigh-in) and 1 proper visit in about an hour
booty calls :: 1
soups made :: 2
fancies tickled :: 1
novels started :: 1 (It's about meeting people on the internet. I am destined to get no further than chapter one.)

Not a bad week all in all. Some ups, some downs.

Mustn’t grumble.

Now, like most bloggers who don’t particularly care for memes, but occasionally submit to ones which tickle their fancy, I feel compelled to begin this post by pointing out that I don’t particularly care for memes, but this one rather tickled my fancy. It consists essentially of 40 unfinished sentences, and I caught up with it here. The main reason it tickled my fancy was because the first sentence began, ‘My uncle once…’ and it reminded me of… well, here it is:

1. My uncle once: undid his zip and pulled out his cock for a drunken group photo with his friends. After he died I found this photograph amongst his possessions and, being fascinated with penis size and fearing myself abnormally small, tore out my uncle’s penis and took it away for private study. My mum later found my dead uncle’s penis in the back pocket of my jeans. She left it on the kitchen table. I snatched it up and took it to my bedroom. In order to properly destroy the evidence of my weirdness, I ended up chewing it up and swallowing it. Conversely, these days I feel no shame.

2. Never in my life: have I fucked an oversized goat.

3. When I was five: I put my head through the bathroom window deliberately and with self-harm aforethought. (Yes, the bathroom window was closed at the time.) (I was mostly unharmed by the glass, but my dad gave me a taste of his belt for the damage.) (Thus causing more damage.) (Silly dad.)

4. High school was: something that happened in America. Still is, I believe, although from what I hear, it ain’t very good. High school kids spend all their time pushing silver dollars into Coca Cola vending machines and learning how evolution is bunkum from text books sponsored by M&Ms. Or so I hear.

5. I will never forget: but hopefully in time I will learn to forgive.

6. Once I met: David Blunkett. I felt strangely comfortable in his presence, but I couldn’t help rolling my eyes when he talked.

7. There’s this girl I know: who made me promise not to fall in love with her. She obviously has an ego the size of Alaska. (And a muff to match.)

8. Once, at a bar: I used a really cheesy line on a really beautiful woman because I was drunk and my best friend dared me, and do you know what she did? I’ll tell you. She pushed out her bottom lip as far as she could with her tongue, opened her eyes really wide and made a long, nonsensical, deep-throated grunting noise, like someone attempting to speak with six fists in their mouth. I believe this is called ‘belming’. I thanked her for her time and returned to my friend, blushing fiercely and wishing quite sincerely that I had never been born.

9. By noon, I’m usually: three socks in. Damn you, YouPorn! (Actually, that’s not true these days. I’m actually four days without YouPorn at the moment. I’m thinking of getting a little counter for my blog, like some towns in Belgium have, but of course in Belgium they read: ‘17 days without a child sex crime’. Mine would read: ‘4 days without soiling a sock whilst watching YouPorn’. And I would feel proud.)

10. Last night: …oh yeah, dammit. More like 6 hours without YouPorn.

11. If only I had: a girlfriend. Everything would be alright.

12. Next time I go to church: presuming I go some time this year, it will be to say, ‘Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. It’s been approximately 17 years since my last confession.’ I will prepare an exhaustive list before I go.

13. What worries me most: is failure. And – at the moment at least – stomach cancer.

14. When I turn my head left I see: a cushion where Pablo used to sit and a whole lot of magazines which my flatmate has been trying to get me to throw away. He can fuck off.

15. When I turn my head right I see: an open window, leading to a dirty windowsill, where sits an ashtray which hasn’t been used for a few weeks now. It makes me want to get wrecked.

16. You know I’m lying when: I tell you I honestly couldn’t care less.

17. What I miss most about the Eighties is: watching some of my favourite films for the first time, and learning how to properly escape from reality.

18. If I were a character in Shakespeare I’d be: an attendant lord, one that will do to swell a progress, start a scene or two, advise the prince; no doubt, an easy tool, deferential, glad to be of use, politic, cautious, and meticulous; full of high sentence, but a bit obtuse; at times, indeed, almost ridiculous – almost, at times, the Fool.

19. By this time next year: I hope to be fitter, happier, more productive.

20. A better name for me would be: Walter. I’ve been told I look like a Walter.

21. I have a hard time understanding: Full stop. That sentence is already finished. I do.

22. If I ever go back to school, I’ll: be in grave danger of falling foul of the Prevention of Terrorism Act.

23. You know I like you if: I’m sucking peanut butter out of your anus.

24. If I ever won an award, the first person I would thank would be: Halle Berry.

25. Take my advice, never: stimulate your genitals when you’ve been chopping chillies.

26. My ideal breakfast is: smoked salmon Benedict followed by mango and coconut yoghurt.

27. A song I love but do not have is: I Want To Go Back There Again by BJ Arnau. I had this when I was a kid. It used to belong to my uncle, the dead one with the penis, and I owned the vinyl version for a while and regularly wept to it throughout my teens. Then somewhere along the line, I lost it. I want it back. Indeed, I want to go back there again.

28. If you visit my hometown, I suggest you: BURN IT DOWN.

29. Why won’t people: be just a little less self-centred? Me included.

30. If you spend a night at my house: and happen to be a lovely, bouncy woman, please remember to sneak into my bed in the wee small hours and massage the length of my Johnson with your tongue.

31. I’d stop my wedding for: spontaneous sex with my bride-to-be, then we’d get back to the ceremony and live happily ever after.

32. The world could do without: Keira Knightley’s pout.

33. I’d rather lick the belly of a cockroach than: the anus of a cockroach; but I'd rather lick the anus of a cockroach than ever have to look again at Keira Knightley’s pout.

34. My favourite blonde is: Paris Hilton, but only if she’s shaved and stripped of make-up and money, sitting behind the till in a branch of Netto in Peckham, where she belongs.

35. Paper clips are more useful than: Paris Hilton.

36. If I do anything well it’s: self-deprecate. Sorry, that was a rubbish answer.

37. I can’t help but: worry that I’m never going to be given the chance – or ever going to have balls big enough to take the chance – to fulfil any of the potential that I may actually have.

38. I usually cry: at the end of Donnie Darko, particularly the very last shot, when Gretchen and the little boy wave to Mrs Darko. It’s the little boy’s wave that does it. It sings to me of the preciousness of human contact.

39. My advice to my child/nephew/niece: is this: don’t let what other people think stand in your way, and always challenge authority.

40. And by the way: being is other people.

Have a super weekend.

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Anonymous said...

The uncle story :0 Can't believe it was left on the kitchen table. Was it ever spoken about again?! More details please!

Ahhh, YouPorn. 17 days and counting until I get the internet and I can go on it allllll day long. It's a truly amazing invention. We were discussing the merits of YouPorn vs RedTube but RT is shocking! YP wins every time.

The bit that gets me in DD is when Elizabeth is crying in her leather jacket and then she stops, starts again and her face just completely crumbles. Argh, I'm filling up at work just thinking about it. This is Not Good.


curly said...

Hurrrraaaaaghhhh FbkF is on-time! (Well according to my rules). I can now leave work with an especially large smile on my face. Loved your uncle story. And number 8 - well she was obviously a very very ugly ugly person on the inside and you had a lucky escapet. Good luck at docs - am sure you're fine and its just something mildly and temporarily unpleasant that can be sorted. And you are so defo going to be given the chance at somepoint and you will snap it up. I've every faith in you. Even though I don't know you.

Have a good one

catherine said...

Congrats on the lost weight!

I would like to humbly plead that you consider embracing the word 'asshole' or some word, any word other than the proper one, for use as the word meaning the hole of one's ass. The proper word is so very, very ugly and throws a horrid wrench into the works that is reading your otherwise marvelous blog posts. I nearly choked on my coffee and died reading the peanut butter one; would have done somewhat better I'm certain if you'd had a euphemism there.

All the best.

La Bête said...

Hi Triplescience. I'll come back to it at some stage I'm sure. And yes, I know the bit you mean, the crying bit. It's very real. Very sad.

Curly - docs went well actually. Will report next week. And thank you for your faith.

Catherine. Do you mean 'anus'?

Carnalis said...

my booty call :: am still waiting.

Youporn and socks .. teehee. So much easier being a girl, one only needs to lick one's fingers before sleep.

Selena said...

I'm sorry that you ever felt the need to smash your head into a bathroom window & I hope you never feel that need again.

Peanut butter? Why not marmite or is that only for cats?

As to American High School...tisk, tisk, Bete! Silver dollars? Who even uses those anymore? That's so 1700's or even 1970's- get with the times.

Michael said...

This might be your best post ever; I identify with a lot of it.
I must object to your Knightly bashing, however. I feel that she has been the brunt of a lot of unfair criticism; she is a first rate actor in my view.
God bless YouPorn and the almighty semi-colon!

Anonymous said...

Made me laugh! :)

Artful Kisser said...

Congratulations on giving up the fags la bete. And great responses, but I can't believe you admitted to swallowing your uncle's cock...

Cat said...

Right Bête I arrived here 'cos google reader suggested I'd like your stuff... just so you know I'm kosher and all.

Thing is, I've read blogs like yours before and felt cheated when I discover they're just written by narcissistic bastards who are practising their creatives. So I'll be really really sad if you turn out to be a con.

But if you're not, I promise to read every sorry word, religiously, because I think I like you, Bête.

Sam said...

I like the word anus, there's something onomatopeic about it. I can understand the squeam about it, though, it's not a nice thought. Besides, as far as I'm concerned, girls don't poo.

Good post, Bete - you took a meme and you made it your own.

DJ Kirkby said...

You are too funny! I think I will do this meme next Sunday and then be depressed 'cos I will never be as hilarious as you...*sigh*

Fat Roland said...

The uncle / penis thing is hilarious.

Amy said...

You really are a hilarious writer, Mr. Bête

La Bête said...

Carnalis. I lick my fingers too. Sometimes just to get the sockhair off.

Thanks, Selena. I don’t know about the peanut butter thing. I’ve never actually licked peanut butter out of anyone’s anus. Yet. But I’d most certainly have to like them first before I did.

Michael, thank you. We’re going to have to agree to disagree about the egregious Ms Knightley however. Not only does she get my goat, she actually ties it to a tree and kicks it to death. She just seems so fake to me.

Speaking of which, I’m afraid I am a narcissistic bastard practising my creatives, Cat. But show me a blogger that isn’t. I reckon that’s a pretty good definition of the word ‘blogger’ actually. But I’m not lying if that’s what you mean. (Although I may give the truth a little tweak now and then. Sorry. I hope you come back anyway. Nice to meet you.)

Thanks everyone else. You are all very kind.

Oh, and I really love the idea of the word ‘anus’ being onomatopoeic. It kind of boggles my mind a little.

Selena said...

Anus...onomatopoeic? I don't get it. Squish, clang, plop, those I get. Anus-not so much.

Perhaps the peanut butter that was brought up might be a factor in making it an onomatopoeia.

Anonymous said...

I'm close to asking you round for peanut butter on hot toast and a spliff.

Ann anon.

Anonymous said...

Uncle penis. Hillarious! You can't make this stuff up!


Vulgar Wizard said...

Ah, Donnie Darko!

somechileanwoman said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
somechileanwoman said...

Why do I like the thought of being called a 'lovely, bouncy woman'? People are weird.