Wednesday, 13 August 2008

Space (Antediluvian)

We need space to live. We need space to feel that we are part of the world and not a kind of piece of object in a box.’


So I’m still looking for somewhere else to live. Nothing against Keith, bless his cotton, allegedly non-semen-contaminated socks, but I really need to be on my own. Plus he’s seeing a lot of Tilly now – hence his lack of any substantial resident art of late – and three is definitely a crowd.

So I’m looking. And whilst I was looking just the other day, I found a recently refurbished one-bedroom loft flat in Denmark Hill. It’s not the area I want to live in, but it was relatively cheap, so I had a look anyway.

It didn’t sound at all bad. ‘It is a beautiful and bright flat,’ said the write-up. Great! ‘Modern open plan fully fitted kitchen.’ Wicked! ‘Modern bathroom with white goods.’ Bonzer! ‘Furnished with modern furniture.’ Fantastic! It all sounds so modern! Only £850 a month and ‘All bills included’. I’ve heard enough, you’re thinking. Where do I sign?

But wait. There’s a catch.

The catch is, this flat is not big enough to swing a gnat.

Check out the ‘double bedroom’...

Sure, it’s a room, and it’s got a double bed in it, but really. I get short of breath just looking at it. Is it perhaps some kind of joke?

Apparently not. Here’s the living room...

That little cupboard to the left is the guest bedroom.

Ideal for professionals,’ it says, carelessly neglecting to add the word 'midgets'.

Maybe I should move to Brazil.

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Anonymous said...

Stop it Bete, you're killing me. £850, that really is a hoot. You're a funny guy.

I was born and raised in London, but left there a few years ago for this very reason.

I go back every now and then, just to laugh at all the stupid people.

Seriously, you're a freelance writer. You can live anywhere. Get the hell out of dodge, man.

Coffee Boy said...

Ha ha. It looks like a tent.

emordino said...

You could shoot some excellent music videos/short films in there.

Tanya Jones said...

Fucking hell. That really *is* taking the piss! Mind you, I've seen flats in Exeter that aren't much better; but they are cheaper.

Anonymous said...

live there for a few months, and perhaps your hair will grow to a point... it's a good look. chicks dig pointy hair.

Angela-la-la said...

Aww, it's a dolly house!

LaLa said...

Fuck me, I feel claustophobic just looking at the photos.

Does it remind you of a boat? A wee one?

BenefitScroungingScum said...

This is why we in the North are pissing ourselves laughing at the recent report suggesting people should move to the south east. £850 for that? Bwahahah
Bendy Girl

Selena said...

You Should move to San Diego, Californa...the £850- that's roughly, what? $1650 USD.

You could get a nice place to rent all to your lonesome for that price here, & homes are being foreclosed on left and right- You might even be able to pay of a house and then sell it and move back to a nice flat in England.

See for £850-you can have stone columns in your apt...

Umm, Yeah... rent stinks her in Southern California.

I hear it's real cheap in Idaho.

Selena said...

Seriouosly though, this one is a condo in a beautiful complex, "downtown" and is worth the money.

I'd live there if I could.

Anonymous said...

Hi Bete,

Move further out of London to escape the ridiculous Zone 2 rents (and don't even consider north London or west London where they will charge up to £200 a week for a fleapit).

Look -- this is my new flat in Beckenham (Kent, don't feint) -- but look what you get for your money:

and all of that costs just £700 pcm. The rooms are really big (the living room is much bigger than just the bit shown on the photo) and the bedroom is very spacious and then there's the huge garden out the back as well.

Beckenham is Zone 4 and within greater London, and just a mile away from being within a London postcode. (And there is a brilliant osteopath on the high street who I have been seeing about my bad back for ages !!!)

You don't have to pick Beckenham -- just start to think a bit differently -- and I wouldn't advise Gumtree as the best flat hunting website either. -- you can select with X miles of any given area or postcode, which might bring up some results you weren't always expecting.

I chose the postcode W1 and any flats within 15 miles (you can find even better bargains if you extend your search to within 20 miles).

Good luck!


Je ne regrette rien said...

jesus fucking christ, that's unbelievable. I've considered taking some consulting work in London over the winter and was floored by the prices quoted when I browsed around craigslist. At first they didn't seem so bad until I caught on that they were quoting fee per WEEK vs. month like in the states.

Couple that with this fraud of an advertisement and I'd say they're all bonkers their in your fair city.