Thursday, 7 August 2008

My Body Is A Minefield :: Things That Make You Go Ewwww

Do you ever get the feeling that your body despises you?

Mine despises me.

Not only is my back increasingly problematic and my stomach persistently paining me, but also, the cyst that has twice before grown to the size of a cauliflower before exploding in the centre of my back, is twitching again, like it’s threatening to make a comeback.

And as if that weren’t enough – and I really hoped I wouldn’t have to mention this – my bottom has started to bleed.

And no.

To just about any question that is going through your head now, the answer is no.

Jesus. I feel sick. I hate my body at the moment. It really is an ugly, vicious, malevolent, spiteful thing.

Do you suppose people with perfect bodies have to put up with all this crap too? Does Elle ‘The Body’ Macpherson wake up in the night scratching holes in the backs of her knees? Does Audrey Tautou clamber out of bed, blinded by eye bogies, coughing brown phlegm all over her silky sheets? Does that sickeningly sweet woman out of Mamma Mia have blood dripping from her rectum when she goes for a number 2? Does she even go for number 2s? It’s doubtful.


So. I’ve decided. It’s time I went to the doctor. I picked up the forms this morning. I’m taking them in now.

And in the meantime, until it starts behaving properly, my body and I are not on speaking terms.

Nope.

I'm not interested.

Talk to the hand.



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9 comments:

Mr. Fermata said...

The relevant bit is at 4 minutes 55 seconds but treat yourself and watch the whole thing.
http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=MuOvqeABHvQ

La Bête said...

Wow. That's fantastic. I've just watched Billy's Balloon too. He's one sick pony, this Hertzfeldt character. Thanks for the introduction.

catherine said...

Thorough and speedy healing up to you. Thinking comforting thoughts your way.

Tanya Jones said...

I have a cyst on my inner labia at the moment, if that makes you feel any better. I got it examined by a lady doctor (thank fuck) and am now on antibiotics to twat the little bastard into remission. A visit to the doc is therefore recommended.

La Bête said...

The verb 'to twat' seems amusingly appropriate in this case (although this case is obviously not amusing in itself). Best of luck with that.

I have signed up with a doctor, but I have to make a call at 8am tomorrow to arrange an appointment apparently. My left testicle has started aching now too. It never ends, does it? Well... Anyway.

Cheers, Catherine!

Selena said...

I love Don Hertzfeld! "My spoon is too big".

Bete, if you liked billy's balloon you should also watch Rejected and Everything Will Be OK. They are great bits of work too.

I'm sorry that blood is coming out of your nethers; that a gremlin growing in your back, and that your left...basically,I'm sorry that your body is being dumb. I'm thinking that it must be the cosmic balance for having such a brilliant mind.

I hope all goes well at the Doctor, NO WHAMMIES!

Selena said...

"that a gremlin IS growing in your back"

Sometimes, when I'm typing, I get all excited and leave out important words-it's a gift!

Zoe said...

As it is after 8 now (time, that is, not overpriced chocolate that was popular in the 1970s) I hope you have an appointment made and will soon be seen by a quack. If you are really lucky he won't poke too much in that area.
Speedy recovey

Tanya Jones said...

Thanks for the best wishes! It's bleeding now, so I have no idea if that's meant to be good or not. I suppose I'll soon find out.

Best of luck with your aching ball. And everything else!