Wednesday 16 December 2009

Seymore Butts :: Putting the Anal in Banal

About a month ago I received an interesting email, apropos of nothing, from a lady at Penguin – the publishers, not the wacky dildo people. She said she wanted to share a book with you, my discerning readers. She said she knew you’d love it. It was about sex. Everybody loves sex. So she sent it to me, hoping I’d devour it with alacrity and urge you all, with all of my heart, to rush out and buy it for Christmas. And I tried. Believe me, I spent hours trying to write a glowing review with a none-too subtle sardonic undertone, but it didn’t work. The fact is, this book is such a rancid, horrible mess that I couldn’t even pretend to like it. In actual fact, if I’m completely honest, I think Rock Her World by Seymore Butts is probably the worst book I’ve ever read - and remember, I’ve read both Jeffrey Archer and Dan Brown. So, with apologies to Jenny Chun of Penguin, who I’m sure was just doing her job and is actually unutterably lovely, I forbid you, my discerning readers, I forbid you to buy this odious mound of literary effluent. Really. The man makes Chris Moyles look like Vladimir Nabokov. (Don’t buy Chris Moyles either. VERBOTEN!) Now, it’s safe to say that certain groups of people have a poor reputation for intellectual prowess. Models, for example. Football players, for another. Toilet attendants, boxers, BNP voters, people who work in Argos. And, of course, porn stars. Now I don’t know if Seymore Butts is considered a cerebral giant in the world of porn, but let me tell you, when he isn’t ball-deep in stretched rectum, or else pointing a camera at someone who is, Seymore Butts is a moron. And I neither use this term lightly, nor mean it as an insult. What I mean is that, having studied Butts and the language he uses to convey his ideas, I have concluded that he has the mental age of someone aged between 8 and 12 years old, and therefore, according to the original medical classification, he is, unequivocally, a moron. And that is nothing to be ashamed of. At least he’s not an imbecile. But should Penguin really be paying him good money to write horrible, rancid books? I’m not so sure. ‘This isn’t your ordinary book,’ says Butts at the offset. Of course, he’s flattering himself. This is barely a book at all. It’s more like a soiled bib around the neck of a retarded sex pest.

For the rest of this remarkable review, Stan recommends you go here and purchase a copy of The Little Book of Shame. Not only does it contain the article you're currently reading, it also contains around 50 others, and all for the incredible price of whatever price it happens to be at the moment. You lucky thing you. 

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26 comments:

HYE said...

'This is barely a book at all. It’s more like a soiled bib around the neck of a retarded sex pest.'

Well said.

The Gongman said...

No 3....you will learn how to fuck like a rockstar

But why should I lower my standards ????¿¿¿¿¿????

La Bête said...

Thanks. Welcome back.

Nicky said...

And moreover, there's a supposedly decent publisher willing to peddle this guy's wares. Jeez, it makes you despair.

Beautifully written post by the way, as ever.

Maureen said...

Painful just reading your review, as I struggle to finish another rewrite my own novel.

Beleaguered Squirrel said...

"anal sex in a pubic toilet"

Tee hee! Great typo.

Great review too. Have retweeted it, not that anyone reads my tweets, or even knows I have any.

Anonymous said...

I am literally rolling on the floor laughing my ass off....

Maria in Oregon

Michael said...

Excellent Emma Freud reference.

Anonymous said...

Aww… who needs a guy who can navigate through treacherous sexual terrain and fuck like a rock star, or train a gal to control her gag reflex and fist like nobody’s business, when there are men in the world who are capable of producing breathtaking, intoxicating, orgasmic gems such as this: ‘Labyrinthine anusphere of sexual relations like some brilliantine Venereal Virgil, his playground argot quickly becomes extremely tiresome.’ Now, that kinda writing is erotic as hell…

A Twitter friend (and wanna be rock chick)

Some Chilean Woman said...

What a coincidence! I went to Barnes & Noble just last week and when I walking around the Sex Books & Relationships section I heard my husband say behind me, "Rock Her World!" in his best deep let's-get-ready-to-rumble voice. It cracked me up because it fit the book cover so well, it looked ridiculous to both of us. So glad you reviewed the book so I could have another laugh.

PurestGreen said...

This was the single best book review I have ever read. My mind is burning with the desire to never buy this book. I also think you earn extra points for your cunning use of bumlaut.

Anonymous said...

My favourite bit of your review:

‘how to properly fist a lady’ (presumably without splitting her infinitive)'

I snorted, and was forced to cover my mouth with my hand and pretend to be merely choking.

You are brilliant.

amy grace said...

Wow.

They could have just sent you Mentally Incontinent. You know, a good book. Published by them.

www.mentallyincontinent.com

(Shameless plug on behalf of my good friend who wrote it :)

Jake Barnes said...

It's just been said, but the split infinitive line was indeed comic genius.

That was a great review; if it weren't so costly to one's soul, I'd urge you to read more pulp. Just for our benefit, mind.

AndrewM said...

So did you like it then?

Unknown said...

Putting the Banal back in Anal... David Foster Wallace in his review of the Adult Video News awards (extended version w/ extra footnotes in "Consider the Lobster") draws the same conclusion regarding Seymour Butts, casting him as a kind of embodiment of the adult video industry.

Beth said...

A very funny review - I can just imagine the kind of people who will love this book ... yuk!

Anonymous said...

Lovely read. Ta. Warmed me cockles right up. Or somat.

Ann Anon

Anonymous said...

Excellent review. It's depressing to think there's even one such man in the world. A poster boy for abstaining from casual sex if ever there was one.

Misskreant said...

I was once strangely hooked on a late-night documentary series about this guy, but I smoked an awful lot of weed in those days so maybe that was why.

Swineshead said...

Jesus, his reality TV show was unutterably awful. Essentially: a man who pays abused, cokehead women to take DP with extra cocks under each armpit, then sit still while she gets an STD in the eye, bizarrely trying to present himself as a lovable family guy.

He honestly deserves to be burned at the stake.

Brilliant post.

Swineshead said...

'Whether Butts is actually a giant prude in porn star’s clothing or a profoundly closeted, double-bluffing homosexual is a moot point, and not enormously relevant, but as he guides us through the labyrinthine anusphere of sexual relations like some brilliantine Venereal Virgil, his playground argot quickly becomes extremely tiresome.'

Jesus, this sentence is so well-composed I'm in danger of becoming one of your burgeoning group of simpering sycophants.

Hats off.

rockmother said...

Fanstastic review. He should have just been done with it and called himself Total Retard. I wonder if the 'Ron' at crabfest meal was Ron Jeremy - another fat loser in a syrup.

Joanna Cake said...

If I admit to liking Chris Moyles, Dan Brown and Jeffrey Archer, does it preclude me from commenting...? :P

Like Marianne, I loved the split infinitive comment :)

circus monkey said...

If it's the same Seymour I saw in a so called docu series some years ago I am not surprised its such an odious book. He and his equally odious uncle make a good living out of sex but they have no respect for it - or people it would seem At least the baker has respect for his dough!

BeckyBumbleFuck said...

Well, you managed to spurn something delicious to read out of that lackluster waste of a tree. Thanks for the good time!