Everybody’s Free (To Wear A Paper Bag)

I’ve been practising thinking positive, because I’ve been told that it helps, that it makes life easier. So, to stop twitching with misery and shouting out, Tourette’s style, in embarrassment as I remember, amongst other things, the rather desperate, pathetic email I sent Patricia a couple of hours before I found Keith’s blog, I scribbled down a couple of lexical amulets to help me remain upbeat and optimistic. And then I got to thinking, hey, I could actually help others with this stuff. Because helping others is what I’m all about. So I started writing a kind of a manifesto for ugly people and other losers. Then I remembered The Sunscreen Song and thought I’d try and blatantly rip it off. I ended up staying up late and writing the following. It wasn’t till after I was done that I realised it was Easter Monday and like Christ, I had risen again and come back to save mankind. Praise me…

Everybody’s Free (To Wear A Paper Bag)

Ugly ladies and gentlemen of the internet… wear a paper bag over your head.

If I could offer you one tip for overcoming overwhelming feelings of ugliness, that might as well be it.

The long term benefits of wearing a paper bag are open to question, but in the short term they’re great at replacing the shame of a hideous face with the embarrassment of wearing a bag. It’s a trade-off. Still, this tip, along with the rest of my advice, should probably be taken with a hefty pinch of salt.

I will dispense the rest of this advice now.

Remember at all times that physical beauty really is only skin deep and that even though Enrique Iglesias has moist women queuing up to fellate him, he is famously, unconscionably dull. If this makes you feel better, hang onto it for all you’re worth, and don’t give a second thought to George Clooney, who not only is better looking than half a dozen Enriques, but is also a scintillating conversationalist.

Think beautiful thoughts. While you’re about it, buy beautiful things, listen to beautiful music and read beautiful words in the not necessarily entirely vain hope that some of this beauty will rub off on you.

Read. The more you’ve got going on inside you, the less you need to worry about the car crash that is your physical appearance.

Practise your comebacks for when the cruel barbs fly. Perfect them in front of a mirror. ‘Madam, I may be ugly, but I am also stupid and very bad in bed. Oh.’ That sort of thing. Be careful however, not to self-deprecate to the point of self-loathing.

When the barbs do come, try hard to laugh them off; let them bounce off you without causing damage. Don’t be overly sensitive, and don’t be too hard on yourself if you are.

Don’t be afraid of mirrors. While they may not exactly be your friend, they are a reminder that you’re bold enough to face who you are, and to love yourself.

Love yourself. Wear your ugliness like a badge of honour. Remind yourself that any old imbecile can be pretty but it takes real character to carry off a look like yours.

Rejoice in the fact that when people do like you, they really do like you. They’re not just trying to get into your pants because you look good, and they’re not with you for the cachet your company brings.

Avoid people who want to make themselves look good by surrounding themselves with freaks.

Surround yourself with freaks. (If this simply not possible, forget about it. It wasn’t the best piece of advice in the world in the first place.)

Accentuate the positive. If there’s really nothing in your appearance to be remotely positive about, accentuate the negative.

You’re only as ugly as you feel.

Don’t be intimidated by superficial fuckwits who cannot offer the world anything more than a camera-ready smile and a pig-ugly soul. You are better than they are. Just not as good-looking.

If you happen to be as ugly on the inside as you are on the outside, you probably need more help than I can give you here.

Floss. Good teeth mask a myriad of sins. If you don’t have good teeth, get some.

Work on your body. God may have given you a baboon’s behind for a face, but there really is no excuse for being fat. Besides which, your body is your temple. Worship.

If you do believe in God, remember that He loves you. If on the other hand you have sanity on your side, thank God you’re only ugly.

Dancercise. If you have nowhere to do it but in your own living room, well, that’s probably a good thing.

Remember that there are five senses and being ugly marks you down on just one. So make sure you concentrate on the others: smell good, sound good, practise sensitive tactility and sprinkle a little cinnamon on your genitalia every day, just in case you get lucky.

Wash. Good hygiene counts for so much in this world. If you really need to be told this at your time of life, there may already be no hope for you.

There is ALWAYS hope.

Embrace metrosexuality. Pamper yourself with oils, powders and unctions. Moisturise daily. If your skin is soft, supple and touchable, chances are someone somewhere will want to touch it.

Wear good clothes. The expression ‘You can’t polish a turd’ is a vicious, pernicious lie. You most certainly can polish a turd. Indeed, it is your duty as a human turd to polish yourself daily, and a fine wardrobe is some of the best turd-polish money can buy.


Smile. Even if you have a mouth like a block of blue cheese, smile like you really mean it. The whole world may not smile with you, but the best people will.

You are NOT as ugly as you imagine. Are you? Actually maybe you are. If you are, then really, the dancercising, flossing and good clothes will help. But if you’re genuinely not, you may actually have Body Dysmorphic Disorder. Look into it.

You are NOT as Body Dysmorphic as you imagine. You’re just fat. Eat less. Dancercise.

Wear a hat. Hats are the icing on the cake, the fairy on top of the Christmas tree, the fan of glorious feathers that turns the fat ugly peabird into a glorious cock. A good hat can be like sunshine above the clouds; a beautiful day atop the miserable blanket of smog that is your face. A hat can be the ultimate signifier of dignity. Remember, without that hat and those snazzy threads, Humphrey Bogart was just another ugly bugger in ill-fitting dentures, waving a gun about and grimacing like a gargoyle.

Avoid corrective surgery like the plague that it is. Don’t go under the knife unless you absolutely have to, or else part of you will always regret the other parts of you that you threw away.

Pleasure yourself intensely.

Use pornography if you feel the need, and use it shamelessly, but don’t let it get a hold on you.

If possible, sleep with people less attractive that you are. Both sides can only benefit from the union.

If possible, sleep with people more attractive that you are. Both sides can only benefit from the union.

When you mess up, when you embarrass yourself or just stutter or dry up because you’re too nervous, don’t beat yourself up over it. Other people forget quickly; they have their own stuff to think about. Also, the best way to help them forget your humiliations is to do something magnificent.

In the words of Ian Dury, be magnificent. Dury was crippled with polio but was so magnificently charismatic that many people tended not to notice.

Do not blame other people, even if you feel they might actually be to blame. You really are the master of your own destiny.

Do not hate yourself. I know that’s often much easier said that done, but keep it close to you at all times, and always believe it. It’s incredibly important.

Kindness lurks in the most unexpected of places. When kindness creeps up on you and takes you by surprise, allow it to reaffirm your faith in humanity.

Have faith in humanity, because faith in humanity is faith in yourself.

Be careful whose advice you buy, and be very suspicious of those who supply it. There are a lot of cynical heartless people out there whose sole aim in life is to exploit your insecurity.

Oh, and take that paper bag off your head.

You look ridiculous.

Valentine’s Day Countdown :: Thinking Outside the Candy Box

Traditionally Valentine’s Day is not something that has bothered me. Don’t get me wrong, I hate it, but it’s never managed to make me feel more lonely than usual. Well, not much.

But this year of course, is my special year. My year for coming out of my shell. So I feel I should probably try and – I don’t know - do something. Not sure what though. Suggestions appreciated.

Anyhow, it’s two weeks away and the articles have started to appear. I came across this article over at GirlDatesLondon. It’s a bunch of ‘sure fire tips for meeting new people’. Gay people granted, but what the hell. Any port-hole in a storm. And as ‘gay male relationship expert’ Patrick Perrine so rightly says, ‘Try a new perspective. From meeting new people to asking for a date; think outside the candy box.’ I have no idea what that means, but as soon as I find out, I’m doing it.

Anyhow, the tips:

1) Attend Events… ones that interest you and have plenty of gay men.

Gay angle aside (if I haven't found a woman by July, I'll start considering other options, but not before), this makes a lot of sense. Although I’m not entirely sure I’m thinking of events as such. I’m thinking of night classes. I’d quite like to learn Italian. Not very useful – except for restaurants and holidays – but very sexy. Oui oui. So I might do that.

2) Don't Move Too Fast… True love is first a meeting of minds; the bodies connect later.

And thank God for that.

3) Dress For Success - You'll feel more comfortable if your hair is neat, clothes flattering, nails manicured, and your hands warm. Pick a shirt color close to your eye color. Your sincerity is more likely to be believed.

Which is precisely what my PUA friends told me. All except the sincerity thing. Unfortunately – or fortunately I guess – I already wear good clothes and have very warm hands. Also, as of this morning, I have super neat hair.

I didn’t know about the correlation between shirt colour, eye colour and sincerity however, and shall be working on that in the future. It makes sense though, and now I know why no one believes a word David Bowie says. Oh. My mistake.

4) Pretend you're famous. Work the room like you're Bill Clinton campaigning in 1990… Pretend to be someone you admire. How would he break the ice?...

Hmmm. Now, in my opinion, working a room like Bill Clinton is questionable advice. The man’s a sex-pest! As for pretending to be someone I admire, well I quite admire Gandhi. So, how would a celibate vegetarian Hindu pacifist break the ice? A game of Spin the Bottle maybe? Nah. If I know Gandhi – and I like to think I do – he’d probably just do a bit of low-key mingling, dispensing his wisdom and offering solace: ‘Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony. Chick pea?’ Actually, that’s not a bad opener.

5) Say Hello and Shut Up - Think you can't make small talk? Sure you can! When you've spotted your Dream Valentine across the room, and the longer-than-usual eye contact is accompanied by even a smile; go for it. Walk over and introduce yourself. Say "Hello, I'm [name]. This is my first event of [name the organization]; have you been a member for long?" You want to get the other person talking. Remember the quote, "A bore is someone who keeps talking after I have something to say."

I’m not sure I understand this advice. It seems to be suggesting both a) don’t make boring small talk, and b) Sure you can! Go ahead, make boring small talk. And that quote, is it a misprint? Surely a bore is someone who keeps talking after they have something to say. Someone who keeps talking after I have something to say is just rude.

6) Be a Good Listener - Keep eye contact most or all of the time. Remember details about his interests and pick up on one of these details to share your own interests. Then turn the conversation back to the other person.

Well, duh.

Pah. Valentine’s Day, Schmalentine’s Day.

The Game #3: The PUA Community – Standing at the Threshold of Greatness

On Friday night I signed up to the Venusian Arts talk forum, a place for advocates of the Mystery Method and whatnot to get together and compare notes. There are some real idiots on there frankly, and some bad eggs. But then that’s probably true of most online communities. However, I reckoned that most of them were probably decent blokes out for a few pointers and a bit of support, so in an effort to test my theory, I started a thread entitled: ‘Any advice for a freakishly ugly fat bastard?’ and I have to say, I was quite pleasantly surprised at the responses. On the whole. Here are the highlights:

'Alright, here’s the thing. I’m a really ugly bloke. Due to a combination of a slightly deformed and oversized skull, bad hair and a face full of eczema scars, I’m pretty freakishly bad looking. I’m also severely obese. I’m the kind of man that drunken girls dare each other to kiss, but then run away screaming and retching. Even so, agony though it is, I still have to put myself out here like everyone else. I have to go to parties and suffer the stares and gasps and stifled giggles. Worse still, the shifting away as I near. And on occasion I must force myself to plunge into the icy humiliation of ‘the move’. I have to talk to women, to attempt to seduce them. Painful though it is for all concerned, I have to. And it never works. So this is why I read The Game.

The thing is, my saving grace, is that I am – even if I say so myself – I am rather witty. No, I am. I’m sharp, and funny, and bright. But clever talk can only get you so far. If someone approaches you in a bar and they’re a cross between The Elephant Man and Jabba the Hutt, it really doesn’t matter what comes out of their mouth. It could be the pithiest bon mot this side of Cyrano de Bergerac, it’s still going to go down like a three-foot tongue snatching up a cockroach.

I have been knocked back over the years in some pretty cold ways. More than one woman has laughed in my face when I’ve said hello. One woman said, really quite sympathetically, ‘No, I’m sorry. I only go out with human beings.’ Another said, ‘Sorry. Look, I don’t mean to be rude, but you really are fucking ugly. I’d be sick if I had to kiss you. Sorry.’

These words stay with you by the way. They stick to your heart like poison darts and they float around in your system for the rest of your life.

So, this is why I read The Game. I was seeking guidance. Plus, somebody bought it for me for Christmas.

What I’d like to know – bearing in mind everything I’ve told you – what kind of advice would you give a guy like me? And please don’t say ‘give up’. Also, are there any openers you’d recommend for hideously ugly freaks like myself?

By the way, I’m a 30-year-old English guy living in London.'


- Scattermole

If for some reason you want to read the responses in full, you’ll have to register first. You probably don’t though. Here are the best bits, suitably bowdlerised:

‘…Wear a fancy hat to hide your head. Dress up, in general.
Make every effort to lose weight. Diet, exercise, lap banding….’


- Decibel

There’s a lot of talk of hats in the responses. Enough in fact to convince me. I am going to get a hat, and a fancy one at that.

'I'm a rather hefty gent myself but I'm working on it at weight watchers. It's funny how loosing a few pounds can make you feel great. The women at weight watchers all clap and hooray when I share how much I have lost so that is a nice ego boost. As far as the deformed head all I can recommend is going to a professional stylist and getting help. I know they can do something for you with makeup, facial hair, dermatology and hairstyle that will bump you up 3 points on the 1 to ten scale. Get your game tight! Failing all that try to find a nice blind girl. I'm not joking I've seen some hot ones! You may be ugly but those horrible things those women said to you mean they have ugly souls and they will realize this when their looks fade and people start to see who they really are.’


– Conspiracy

That makes me laugh. Not just the loosing of the pounds but the seeking of a blind girl. If only he knew how far I’ve gone to actually do that. God, I feel ashamed.

‘I got a solution:

Make YOURSELF a SEXY motherfucker. Shit. Can't look good without trying.'


- Hengman

Erm, OK. Thanks, Hengman!

This next one is without doubt the most disturbing response, but is probably also one of my favourites, just from a sheer comedy point of view:

‘look brotha i feel for ya but some of this has to be bullshit. no bullshit , when a girl says somethin like that to you either straight up punch the bitch in the face or even worse put gum in her hair and she will look like a dike with short hair and no guy would want her. ill tell ya a girls hair can decided whether shes a 5 or 10. in the mean time keep ur head up man. i feel for ya. look what scumbag , ugly motherfuckers some of the hottest chicks r dating. anyone can do it brotha especially u saying how sharp and witty u r u can land a 9 or 10. stay confident , keep ur head up and study this stuff cause it works. good luck man and im dead serious bout the gum in hair thing that can kill a girls social life and self esteem which is a win-win lmao’


- jaw_droppin

Crikey. Well, there’s always one proper psycho in every forum. I have a feeling we’ll hear about this guy one day on the news. They’ll call him the Spearmint Killer and his MO wlll be very grisly and very misogynistic. At least the community was quick to pounce on him. This was the very next response:

‘If you do as this guy says, enjoy your prison time. Punch her in the face? Put gum in her hair?! Holy fuck, on what world are you living? A girl insults you and you get physical with her. If she insults you you respond back with an insult or just ignore her, but to act like a wife-beater is no excuse….’


- Dopamine

Quite right, Dopamine. Hear hear. Thanks also to Dopamine for the heads-up on David Smith. All inspirational grist to my mountainous mill.

‘…if you are that overweight you might consider bariatric surgery for health reasons alone. You might be surprised what loosing weight can do for appearance. Plus, do the best you can with what you have. You would be surprised how much your cloths and other gear can change your appearance. Wear a hat and some radical sunglasses and stuff like that….’

- The_Sheriff

How did this guy know I wear cloths? I even have a flannel shirt comprising 24 flannels.

This next one is very interesting, and makes me realise the genuine advantages of belonging to a community:

‘Scattermole even the name you have chosen for yourself reflects a demonstration of lower value and points to some kind of self confidence issue.

Here we have all decided to make a change and create ourselves anew.

We choose names that are powerful and reflect our new found zest for life.

We are all here to encourage each other, we want you to succeed!

We don't want you to grow old with your dog or cat.

We don't want you to get really good at video games.

We don't want you to die of a heart attack while masturbating at 35.

We want you to chuckle when you are flossing and say "I cant believe I got this woman brushing her hair next to me by asking her about dental floss!"

We want people to say "How the fuck did he wind up with her?"

We already care more about you than anybody you have ever met in your life.

We want you to feel love. Love will fill that hole in your soul you are trying to fill with food.

You have never met us but we are your real friends. (So is the person who gave you "The Game" as a gift)

We have found the tools and we are willing to share them with you.

We ask only that you apply yourself and be ready for the pain. Your going to have to fight through it, it is very real and very scary!

You stand at the threshold of greatness! Envision yourself walking through the door and close it behind you!’


– Conspiracy

I think he maybe overdoes it a little suggesting that these guys care more about me than anyone else I’ve ever met – after just an hour of sharing the same virtual space - but still, it’s a nice sentiment. I can’t help but be touched by it.

‘Work out. there is no excuse for being fat and nasty.’


– Tamer

Thanks, Tamer. Tell it like it is, why don’t you.

Uh-oh. Guess who’s back:

‘i never did that too a girl but if she were to go out of her way to insult me shes gonna get the gum in her hair lmao i bet after that the bitch wouldnt do anything like that again’

– jaw_droppin

Always with the gum. Jesus. What is it with this guy and gum? Next, please.

‘Work on becoming comfortable in your own skin and with who you are. Otherwise, no amount of cosmetic surgery in the world will help as underneath it you'll still be insecure at your core.

Take some steps to improve what you can, as others have said, exercise and revise your diet/nutrition, but spend as much time as you can, learning to accept yourself as you are. If you EVER want anyone to accept you, you first need to accept yourself.

When you are comfortable in your own skin, you'll notice that people will respond to you differently. Not saying that they'll throw their panties at you, but they'll get the sense that you are grounded and don't give a shit about what others do or say to judge you based on your appearance. Lock down your Inner Game so that any/all of the improvements you make to your appearance will have a MUCH GREATER impact.’


– BangBang

Wise words, BangBang. I do feel very much like I’m on Oprah all of a sudden though.

Hat alert!

‘…just get some peacocking shit like a really cool and attractive hat….’

- Lost_Prophet

And finally:

‘dude, first off. Attitude change.

I used to be a fugly obese guy, now I always have a swarm of beautiful women in my life. Everyone can change.

First off, what you have to do. And there is no "maybe" here, if you want to turn your life around. Step 1: Diet. Do the no carb thing for a while, lots of running, treadmill, etc. Do some fat burning. Step 2: Weight lifting, not massively just enough to tone your arms and chest. YOU are a big man, your skull and facial issues make you stand out....make it work for you, be intimidating but don't be a tool.
Step 3: Find a decent looking peacocking hat.
Step 4: Tattoo, arm or even from chest up your neck. Take the focus from being strange, to being interesting. Peacock baby.
Step 5: Let a woman your age dress you up, in that style. Not a wuss, but we're talking leather jackets.’


– Cro

I have a leather jacket. But I think it’s slightly paedo. I should get another.

On the whole then, some very nice guys. Which has kind of confused me again. I had just got to the point of thinking this Game lark was a bunch of old bull, and now I’m thinking... I’m home. These guys are like family to me.

Actually, you know what? And I swear I’m not running game on you ladies here, but I’d really like to get a woman’s perspective on this. The Game, Real Social Dynamics, the science of seduction – whatever you want to call it: is it a handy tool to get a conversation going and enable relationships for awkward guys? Or is it an ugly, manipulative load of old bullshit, fuelled by loneliness, desperation and on the whole, lowdown vile misogyny?

Help me out here. You’re looking gorgeous today by the way... from behind.

Ouch.