Valentine’s Day Countdown :: Thinking Outside the Candy Box

Traditionally Valentine’s Day is not something that has bothered me. Don’t get me wrong, I hate it, but it’s never managed to make me feel more lonely than usual. Well, not much.

But this year of course, is my special year. My year for coming out of my shell. So I feel I should probably try and – I don’t know - do something. Not sure what though. Suggestions appreciated.

Anyhow, it’s two weeks away and the articles have started to appear. I came across this article over at GirlDatesLondon. It’s a bunch of ‘sure fire tips for meeting new people’. Gay people granted, but what the hell. Any port-hole in a storm. And as ‘gay male relationship expert’ Patrick Perrine so rightly says, ‘Try a new perspective. From meeting new people to asking for a date; think outside the candy box.’ I have no idea what that means, but as soon as I find out, I’m doing it.

Anyhow, the tips:

1) Attend Events… ones that interest you and have plenty of gay men.

Gay angle aside (if I haven't found a woman by July, I'll start considering other options, but not before), this makes a lot of sense. Although I’m not entirely sure I’m thinking of events as such. I’m thinking of night classes. I’d quite like to learn Italian. Not very useful – except for restaurants and holidays – but very sexy. Oui oui. So I might do that.

2) Don't Move Too Fast… True love is first a meeting of minds; the bodies connect later.

And thank God for that.

3) Dress For Success - You'll feel more comfortable if your hair is neat, clothes flattering, nails manicured, and your hands warm. Pick a shirt color close to your eye color. Your sincerity is more likely to be believed.

Which is precisely what my PUA friends told me. All except the sincerity thing. Unfortunately – or fortunately I guess – I already wear good clothes and have very warm hands. Also, as of this morning, I have super neat hair.

I didn’t know about the correlation between shirt colour, eye colour and sincerity however, and shall be working on that in the future. It makes sense though, and now I know why no one believes a word David Bowie says. Oh. My mistake.

4) Pretend you're famous. Work the room like you're Bill Clinton campaigning in 1990… Pretend to be someone you admire. How would he break the ice?...

Hmmm. Now, in my opinion, working a room like Bill Clinton is questionable advice. The man’s a sex-pest! As for pretending to be someone I admire, well I quite admire Gandhi. So, how would a celibate vegetarian Hindu pacifist break the ice? A game of Spin the Bottle maybe? Nah. If I know Gandhi – and I like to think I do – he’d probably just do a bit of low-key mingling, dispensing his wisdom and offering solace: ‘Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony. Chick pea?’ Actually, that’s not a bad opener.

5) Say Hello and Shut Up - Think you can't make small talk? Sure you can! When you've spotted your Dream Valentine across the room, and the longer-than-usual eye contact is accompanied by even a smile; go for it. Walk over and introduce yourself. Say "Hello, I'm [name]. This is my first event of [name the organization]; have you been a member for long?" You want to get the other person talking. Remember the quote, "A bore is someone who keeps talking after I have something to say."

I’m not sure I understand this advice. It seems to be suggesting both a) don’t make boring small talk, and b) Sure you can! Go ahead, make boring small talk. And that quote, is it a misprint? Surely a bore is someone who keeps talking after they have something to say. Someone who keeps talking after I have something to say is just rude.

6) Be a Good Listener - Keep eye contact most or all of the time. Remember details about his interests and pick up on one of these details to share your own interests. Then turn the conversation back to the other person.

Well, duh.

Pah. Valentine’s Day, Schmalentine’s Day.