On Friday night I signed up to the Venusian Arts talk forum, a place for advocates of the Mystery Method and whatnot to get together and compare notes. There are some real idiots on there frankly, and some bad eggs. But then that’s probably true of most online communities. However, I reckoned that most of them were probably decent blokes out for a few pointers and a bit of support, so in an effort to test my theory, I started a thread entitled: ‘Any advice for a freakishly ugly fat bastard?’ and I have to say, I was quite pleasantly surprised at the responses. On the whole. Here are the highlights:
'Alright, here’s the thing. I’m a really ugly bloke. Due to a combination of a slightly deformed and oversized skull, bad hair and a face full of eczema scars, I’m pretty freakishly bad looking. I’m also severely obese. I’m the kind of man that drunken girls dare each other to kiss, but then run away screaming and retching. Even so, agony though it is, I still have to put myself out here like everyone else. I have to go to parties and suffer the stares and gasps and stifled giggles. Worse still, the shifting away as I near. And on occasion I must force myself to plunge into the icy humiliation of ‘the move’. I have to talk to women, to attempt to seduce them. Painful though it is for all concerned, I have to. And it never works. So this is why I read The Game.
The thing is, my saving grace, is that I am – even if I say so myself – I am rather witty. No, I am. I’m sharp, and funny, and bright. But clever talk can only get you so far. If someone approaches you in a bar and they’re a cross between The Elephant Man and Jabba the Hutt, it really doesn’t matter what comes out of their mouth. It could be the pithiest bon mot this side of Cyrano de Bergerac, it’s still going to go down like a three-foot tongue snatching up a cockroach.
I have been knocked back over the years in some pretty cold ways. More than one woman has laughed in my face when I’ve said hello. One woman said, really quite sympathetically, ‘No, I’m sorry. I only go out with human beings.’ Another said, ‘Sorry. Look, I don’t mean to be rude, but you really are fucking ugly. I’d be sick if I had to kiss you. Sorry.’
These words stay with you by the way. They stick to your heart like poison darts and they float around in your system for the rest of your life.
So, this is why I read The Game. I was seeking guidance. Plus, somebody bought it for me for Christmas.
What I’d like to know – bearing in mind everything I’ve told you – what kind of advice would you give a guy like me? And please don’t say ‘give up’. Also, are there any openers you’d recommend for hideously ugly freaks like myself?
By the way, I’m a 30-year-old English guy living in London.'
If for some reason you want to read the responses in full, you’ll have to register first. You probably don’t though. Here are the best bits, suitably bowdlerised:
‘…Wear a fancy hat to hide your head. Dress up, in general.
Make every effort to lose weight. Diet, exercise, lap banding….’
There’s a lot of talk of hats in the responses. Enough in fact to convince me. I am going to get a hat, and a fancy one at that.
'I'm a rather hefty gent myself but I'm working on it at weight watchers. It's funny how loosing a few pounds can make you feel great. The women at weight watchers all clap and hooray when I share how much I have lost so that is a nice ego boost. As far as the deformed head all I can recommend is going to a professional stylist and getting help. I know they can do something for you with makeup, facial hair, dermatology and hairstyle that will bump you up 3 points on the 1 to ten scale. Get your game tight! Failing all that try to find a nice blind girl. I'm not joking I've seen some hot ones! You may be ugly but those horrible things those women said to you mean they have ugly souls and they will realize this when their looks fade and people start to see who they really are.’
That makes me laugh. Not just the loosing of the pounds but the seeking of a blind girl. If only he knew how far I’ve gone to actually do that. God, I feel ashamed.
‘I got a solution:
Make YOURSELF a SEXY motherfucker. Shit. Can't look good without trying.'
Erm, OK. Thanks, Hengman!
This next one is without doubt the most disturbing response, but is probably also one of my favourites, just from a sheer comedy point of view:
‘look brotha i feel for ya but some of this has to be bullshit. no bullshit , when a girl says somethin like that to you either straight up punch the bitch in the face or even worse put gum in her hair and she will look like a dike with short hair and no guy would want her. ill tell ya a girls hair can decided whether shes a 5 or 10. in the mean time keep ur head up man. i feel for ya. look what scumbag , ugly motherfuckers some of the hottest chicks r dating. anyone can do it brotha especially u saying how sharp and witty u r u can land a 9 or 10. stay confident , keep ur head up and study this stuff cause it works. good luck man and im dead serious bout the gum in hair thing that can kill a girls social life and self esteem which is a win-win lmao’
Crikey. Well, there’s always one proper psycho in every forum. I have a feeling we’ll hear about this guy one day on the news. They’ll call him the Spearmint Killer and his MO wlll be very grisly and very misogynistic. At least the community was quick to pounce on him. This was the very next response:
‘If you do as this guy says, enjoy your prison time. Punch her in the face? Put gum in her hair?! Holy fuck, on what world are you living? A girl insults you and you get physical with her. If she insults you you respond back with an insult or just ignore her, but to act like a wife-beater is no excuse….’
Quite right, Dopamine. Hear hear. Thanks also to Dopamine for the heads-up on David Smith. All inspirational grist to my mountainous mill.
‘…if you are that overweight you might consider bariatric surgery for health reasons alone. You might be surprised what loosing weight can do for appearance. Plus, do the best you can with what you have. You would be surprised how much your cloths and other gear can change your appearance. Wear a hat and some radical sunglasses and stuff like that….’
How did this guy know I wear cloths? I even have a flannel shirt comprising 24 flannels.
This next one is very interesting, and makes me realise the genuine advantages of belonging to a community:
‘Scattermole even the name you have chosen for yourself reflects a demonstration of lower value and points to some kind of self confidence issue.
Here we have all decided to make a change and create ourselves anew.
We choose names that are powerful and reflect our new found zest for life.
We are all here to encourage each other, we want you to succeed!
We don't want you to grow old with your dog or cat.
We don't want you to get really good at video games.
We don't want you to die of a heart attack while masturbating at 35.
We want you to chuckle when you are flossing and say "I cant believe I got this woman brushing her hair next to me by asking her about dental floss!"
We want people to say "How the fuck did he wind up with her?"
We already care more about you than anybody you have ever met in your life.
We want you to feel love. Love will fill that hole in your soul you are trying to fill with food.
You have never met us but we are your real friends. (So is the person who gave you "The Game" as a gift)
We have found the tools and we are willing to share them with you.
We ask only that you apply yourself and be ready for the pain. Your going to have to fight through it, it is very real and very scary!
You stand at the threshold of greatness! Envision yourself walking through the door and close it behind you!’
I think he maybe overdoes it a little suggesting that these guys care more about me than anyone else I’ve ever met – after just an hour of sharing the same virtual space - but still, it’s a nice sentiment. I can’t help but be touched by it.
‘Work out. there is no excuse for being fat and nasty.’
Thanks, Tamer. Tell it like it is, why don’t you.
Uh-oh. Guess who’s back:
‘i never did that too a girl but if she were to go out of her way to insult me shes gonna get the gum in her hair lmao i bet after that the bitch wouldnt do anything like that again’
Always with the gum. Jesus. What is it with this guy and gum? Next, please.
‘Work on becoming comfortable in your own skin and with who you are. Otherwise, no amount of cosmetic surgery in the world will help as underneath it you'll still be insecure at your core.
Take some steps to improve what you can, as others have said, exercise and revise your diet/nutrition, but spend as much time as you can, learning to accept yourself as you are. If you EVER want anyone to accept you, you first need to accept yourself.
When you are comfortable in your own skin, you'll notice that people will respond to you differently. Not saying that they'll throw their panties at you, but they'll get the sense that you are grounded and don't give a shit about what others do or say to judge you based on your appearance. Lock down your Inner Game so that any/all of the improvements you make to your appearance will have a MUCH GREATER impact.’
Wise words, BangBang. I do feel very much like I’m on Oprah all of a sudden though.
‘…just get some peacocking shit like a really cool and attractive hat….’
‘dude, first off. Attitude change.
I used to be a fugly obese guy, now I always have a swarm of beautiful women in my life. Everyone can change.
First off, what you have to do. And there is no "maybe" here, if you want to turn your life around. Step 1: Diet. Do the no carb thing for a while, lots of running, treadmill, etc. Do some fat burning. Step 2: Weight lifting, not massively just enough to tone your arms and chest. YOU are a big man, your skull and facial issues make you stand out....make it work for you, be intimidating but don't be a tool.
Step 3: Find a decent looking peacocking hat.
Step 4: Tattoo, arm or even from chest up your neck. Take the focus from being strange, to being interesting. Peacock baby.
Step 5: Let a woman your age dress you up, in that style. Not a wuss, but we're talking leather jackets.’
I have a leather jacket. But I think it’s slightly paedo. I should get another.
On the whole then, some very nice guys. Which has kind of confused me again. I had just got to the point of thinking this Game lark was a bunch of old bull, and now I’m thinking... I’m home. These guys are like family to me.
Actually, you know what? And I swear I’m not running game on you ladies here, but I’d really like to get a woman’s perspective on this. The Game, Real Social Dynamics, the science of seduction – whatever you want to call it: is it a handy tool to get a conversation going and enable relationships for awkward guys? Or is it an ugly, manipulative load of old bullshit, fuelled by loneliness, desperation and on the whole, lowdown vile misogyny?
Help me out here. You’re looking gorgeous today by the way... from behind.