Monday, 28 January 2008

The Game #3: The PUA Community – Standing at the Threshold of Greatness

On Friday night I signed up to the Venusian Arts talk forum, a place for advocates of the Mystery Method and whatnot to get together and compare notes. There are some real idiots on there frankly, and some bad eggs. But then that’s probably true of most online communities. However, I reckoned that most of them were probably decent blokes out for a few pointers and a bit of support, so in an effort to test my theory, I started a thread entitled: ‘Any advice for a freakishly ugly fat bastard?’ and I have to say, I was quite pleasantly surprised at the responses. On the whole. Here are the highlights:

'Alright, here’s the thing. I’m a really ugly bloke. Due to a combination of a slightly deformed and oversized skull, bad hair and a face full of eczema scars, I’m pretty freakishly bad looking. I’m also severely obese. I’m the kind of man that drunken girls dare each other to kiss, but then run away screaming and retching. Even so, agony though it is, I still have to put myself out here like everyone else. I have to go to parties and suffer the stares and gasps and stifled giggles. Worse still, the shifting away as I near. And on occasion I must force myself to plunge into the icy humiliation of ‘the move’. I have to talk to women, to attempt to seduce them. Painful though it is for all concerned, I have to. And it never works. So this is why I read The Game.

The thing is, my saving grace, is that I am – even if I say so myself – I am rather witty. No, I am. I’m sharp, and funny, and bright. But clever talk can only get you so far. If someone approaches you in a bar and they’re a cross between The Elephant Man and Jabba the Hutt, it really doesn’t matter what comes out of their mouth. It could be the pithiest bon mot this side of Cyrano de Bergerac, it’s still going to go down like a three-foot tongue snatching up a cockroach.

I have been knocked back over the years in some pretty cold ways. More than one woman has laughed in my face when I’ve said hello. One woman said, really quite sympathetically, ‘No, I’m sorry. I only go out with human beings.’ Another said, ‘Sorry. Look, I don’t mean to be rude, but you really are fucking ugly. I’d be sick if I had to kiss you. Sorry.’

These words stay with you by the way. They stick to your heart like poison darts and they float around in your system for the rest of your life.

So, this is why I read The Game. I was seeking guidance. Plus, somebody bought it for me for Christmas.

What I’d like to know – bearing in mind everything I’ve told you – what kind of advice would you give a guy like me? And please don’t say ‘give up’. Also, are there any openers you’d recommend for hideously ugly freaks like myself?

By the way, I’m a 30-year-old English guy living in London.'

- Scattermole

If for some reason you want to read the responses in full, you’ll have to register first. You probably don’t though. Here are the best bits, suitably bowdlerised:

‘…Wear a fancy hat to hide your head. Dress up, in general.
Make every effort to lose weight. Diet, exercise, lap banding….’

- Decibel

There’s a lot of talk of hats in the responses. Enough in fact to convince me. I am going to get a hat, and a fancy one at that.

'I'm a rather hefty gent myself but I'm working on it at weight watchers. It's funny how loosing a few pounds can make you feel great. The women at weight watchers all clap and hooray when I share how much I have lost so that is a nice ego boost. As far as the deformed head all I can recommend is going to a professional stylist and getting help. I know they can do something for you with makeup, facial hair, dermatology and hairstyle that will bump you up 3 points on the 1 to ten scale. Get your game tight! Failing all that try to find a nice blind girl. I'm not joking I've seen some hot ones! You may be ugly but those horrible things those women said to you mean they have ugly souls and they will realize this when their looks fade and people start to see who they really are.’

– Conspiracy

That makes me laugh. Not just the loosing of the pounds but the seeking of a blind girl. If only he knew how far I’ve gone to actually do that. God, I feel ashamed.

‘I got a solution:

Make YOURSELF a SEXY motherfucker. Shit. Can't look good without trying.'

- Hengman

Erm, OK. Thanks, Hengman!

This next one is without doubt the most disturbing response, but is probably also one of my favourites, just from a sheer comedy point of view:

‘look brotha i feel for ya but some of this has to be bullshit. no bullshit , when a girl says somethin like that to you either straight up punch the bitch in the face or even worse put gum in her hair and she will look like a dike with short hair and no guy would want her. ill tell ya a girls hair can decided whether shes a 5 or 10. in the mean time keep ur head up man. i feel for ya. look what scumbag , ugly motherfuckers some of the hottest chicks r dating. anyone can do it brotha especially u saying how sharp and witty u r u can land a 9 or 10. stay confident , keep ur head up and study this stuff cause it works. good luck man and im dead serious bout the gum in hair thing that can kill a girls social life and self esteem which is a win-win lmao’

- jaw_droppin

Crikey. Well, there’s always one proper psycho in every forum. I have a feeling we’ll hear about this guy one day on the news. They’ll call him the Spearmint Killer and his MO wlll be very grisly and very misogynistic. At least the community was quick to pounce on him. This was the very next response:

‘If you do as this guy says, enjoy your prison time. Punch her in the face? Put gum in her hair?! Holy fuck, on what world are you living? A girl insults you and you get physical with her. If she insults you you respond back with an insult or just ignore her, but to act like a wife-beater is no excuse….’

- Dopamine

Quite right, Dopamine. Hear hear. Thanks also to Dopamine for the heads-up on David Smith. All inspirational grist to my mountainous mill.

‘…if you are that overweight you might consider bariatric surgery for health reasons alone. You might be surprised what loosing weight can do for appearance. Plus, do the best you can with what you have. You would be surprised how much your cloths and other gear can change your appearance. Wear a hat and some radical sunglasses and stuff like that….’

- The_Sheriff

How did this guy know I wear cloths? I even have a flannel shirt comprising 24 flannels.

This next one is very interesting, and makes me realise the genuine advantages of belonging to a community:

‘Scattermole even the name you have chosen for yourself reflects a demonstration of lower value and points to some kind of self confidence issue.

Here we have all decided to make a change and create ourselves anew.

We choose names that are powerful and reflect our new found zest for life.

We are all here to encourage each other, we want you to succeed!

We don't want you to grow old with your dog or cat.

We don't want you to get really good at video games.

We don't want you to die of a heart attack while masturbating at 35.

We want you to chuckle when you are flossing and say "I cant believe I got this woman brushing her hair next to me by asking her about dental floss!"

We want people to say "How the fuck did he wind up with her?"

We already care more about you than anybody you have ever met in your life.

We want you to feel love. Love will fill that hole in your soul you are trying to fill with food.

You have never met us but we are your real friends. (So is the person who gave you "The Game" as a gift)

We have found the tools and we are willing to share them with you.

We ask only that you apply yourself and be ready for the pain. Your going to have to fight through it, it is very real and very scary!

You stand at the threshold of greatness! Envision yourself walking through the door and close it behind you!’

– Conspiracy

I think he maybe overdoes it a little suggesting that these guys care more about me than anyone else I’ve ever met – after just an hour of sharing the same virtual space - but still, it’s a nice sentiment. I can’t help but be touched by it.

‘Work out. there is no excuse for being fat and nasty.’

– Tamer

Thanks, Tamer. Tell it like it is, why don’t you.

Uh-oh. Guess who’s back:

‘i never did that too a girl but if she were to go out of her way to insult me shes gonna get the gum in her hair lmao i bet after that the bitch wouldnt do anything like that again’

– jaw_droppin

Always with the gum. Jesus. What is it with this guy and gum? Next, please.

‘Work on becoming comfortable in your own skin and with who you are. Otherwise, no amount of cosmetic surgery in the world will help as underneath it you'll still be insecure at your core.

Take some steps to improve what you can, as others have said, exercise and revise your diet/nutrition, but spend as much time as you can, learning to accept yourself as you are. If you EVER want anyone to accept you, you first need to accept yourself.

When you are comfortable in your own skin, you'll notice that people will respond to you differently. Not saying that they'll throw their panties at you, but they'll get the sense that you are grounded and don't give a shit about what others do or say to judge you based on your appearance. Lock down your Inner Game so that any/all of the improvements you make to your appearance will have a MUCH GREATER impact.’

– BangBang

Wise words, BangBang. I do feel very much like I’m on Oprah all of a sudden though.

Hat alert!

‘…just get some peacocking shit like a really cool and attractive hat….’

- Lost_Prophet

And finally:

‘dude, first off. Attitude change.

I used to be a fugly obese guy, now I always have a swarm of beautiful women in my life. Everyone can change.

First off, what you have to do. And there is no "maybe" here, if you want to turn your life around. Step 1: Diet. Do the no carb thing for a while, lots of running, treadmill, etc. Do some fat burning. Step 2: Weight lifting, not massively just enough to tone your arms and chest. YOU are a big man, your skull and facial issues make you stand out....make it work for you, be intimidating but don't be a tool.
Step 3: Find a decent looking peacocking hat.
Step 4: Tattoo, arm or even from chest up your neck. Take the focus from being strange, to being interesting. Peacock baby.
Step 5: Let a woman your age dress you up, in that style. Not a wuss, but we're talking leather jackets.’

– Cro

I have a leather jacket. But I think it’s slightly paedo. I should get another.

On the whole then, some very nice guys. Which has kind of confused me again. I had just got to the point of thinking this Game lark was a bunch of old bull, and now I’m thinking... I’m home. These guys are like family to me.

Actually, you know what? And I swear I’m not running game on you ladies here, but I’d really like to get a woman’s perspective on this. The Game, Real Social Dynamics, the science of seduction – whatever you want to call it: is it a handy tool to get a conversation going and enable relationships for awkward guys? Or is it an ugly, manipulative load of old bullshit, fuelled by loneliness, desperation and on the whole, lowdown vile misogyny?

Help me out here. You’re looking gorgeous today by the way... from behind.


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Gum_in_my_hair said...

My understanding is that most of The Game is based on making the woman feel insecure. That's not what you want to do is it? Personally, I suspect you're going to make a lot of women fall stupidly in love with you by writing this blog.

Aliss said...

I'm a girl, at least at last check, and I read The Game. I was stunned to know there were whole communities out there learning to pick up women. I found the tenants interesting, amusing, and somewhat pathetic. I've also come to realize these communities do exactly what you have discovered, give you support and encouragement to get out there. Having read about openers, negs, peacocking etc., I am fully aware of when it is being done to me, and now have names for them. The openers and routines can be amusing. Negs simply piss me off and make me walk away; peacocking is well, a way for people to notice and say "What the fuck?" (tone of that statement to fluctuate based on gear and venue). I say if it gets your witty ass out there and comfortable approaching women use it with caution. Style even admitted it taught nothing about having relationships. And agreed, Mystery is a petulant cock! Oh, and can you get me contact info for "Gum Guy", or not. . .bumfunnel!

Glamourpuss said...

I'd say it's both.

On the one hand, any ideology that offers concrete steps towards fulfilling a goal will yield results. And by the sounds of it, much of it is about taking responsibility for oneself and changing one's relationship with oneself. But on the other hand, it does strike me a being underpinned by some dodgy sexual stereotyping and borderline misogyny.

I guess the trick is being discerning and taking on board what resonates while discarding the bullshit.


Anonymous said...

The next time ANYONE pisses me off I'm going to put gum in his or her hair. That's a brilliant idea. And then I might take the opportunity to punch my distracted victim in the face.

Anonymous said...

Well,what's really attractive in a man is his confidence, which can arise from various sources - money, prestige, looks, his personality. I guess for most women that would be the key. (And we are talking about a social situation where an instant rapport needs to be established.) And believe you me, if a man is comfortable in his own skin, it really shines through - regardless of his physical and sartorial appearance. Even if you don't feel it, fake it. It works.
Also, what is it that you are looking to get out of the woman? The Game, granted is misogynistic and regressive, but atleast it gets you the one night stands and sexual experience. Well, if you are comfortable in inhabiting the role of a sleazebag :)
But a long term relationship, that takes time. But once you have the woman talking to you, when you have established a rapport with her, it might not be all that difficult to get to the second date. I actually dated a man whom when I first met him, found him to be physically profoundly ugly (blush). But then I ended up having fun with him and he made me laugh and I appreciated him for what he was. And we were dynamite in bed.

La Bête said...

gum_in_my_hair: No, I don’t want to make women feel insecure. That’s the last thing I want to do. But I do like the idea of them falling in love with me. Tell me though: it’s not just going to be in that ‘I love you like a brother’ way, is it?

aliss: I have no contact details for the Spearmint Killer I’m afraid, but you can track him down on The Venusian Arts forum if you like. Be careful though. He’s trained in the arts of seduction. A couple of good negs, followed up with a sweet DHV and you’ll be eating out of his underwear.

glamourpuss: Yeah, I agree with you. The sexual stereotyping is particularly annoying, the ‘yeah, I know what women like’ posturing. They’re all the same and they all want a man who’s going to make them work a little. And yeah, I mean to exercise some rigorous discernment. I might take the fancy hat and ditch the rest.

anonymous: I don’t want to be a sleazebag. If I could talk to women with a little less fear of rejection, that’d be good. But I’m moving in that direction anyway. I don’t think I really need to ask someone if they saw the two girls fighting outside, when no such thing actually happened. I can just ask them if they like bats. Because I like bats, and I find them jolly interesting. Do you like bats?

Anonymous said...

Think twice about fancy hats... trilbys are rather played out at the moment,peacocking is no substitute for a fine wit, and mystery is indeed a cock.
A couple of practical are you at growing facial hair? A lot of women like a man with a fine beard, and if you're self-conscious about your face it could make a nice shield. Pork pie hats are good too, coupled with a big beard and some 'indie' style glasses you could have a rather good look...

~~Silk said...

When a woman responds to any "on the fly" pick-up, she's going on superficial factors, a lot of which boils down to how he would look standing next to her in company she wants to impress. If that's what you want, sorry, but you're not likely to get it.

You are intelligent and witty, sensitive and caring (at least judging from what you write). I advise getting into activities and groups with women, wherein they will learn who and what you really are. One of the sexiest men I've ever known was short, fat, and bald, and all of us in the amateur theatre group absolutely adored him once we got to know him, because he was intelligent, strong, and sensitive. Also married.

If you want something real, get yourself known casually, over time. Start attending repeating meetings, join some groups, ride the bus.


~~Silk said...

Oh, and forget the hat. That's downright stupid! A nice sweater is better.

La Bête said...

So, a beard and a sweater eh? Hmmm, I'm going to end up looking like a giant Noel Edmonds at this rate.

My beard-growing ability isn't that great unfortunately. It tends to go ginger after about ten days. And no one likes a ginger beard.

Luka said...

I am intrigued as to why a hat is the most commonly proposed solution to obtaining favourable responses from shallow, vacuous tarts? What kind of moronic bint is swayed by a big hat? (Actually, I'm thinking Lois Lane and anyone who was ever fooled by Undercover Elephant). Perhaps some peacocking involving gauidly patterned underpants worn on the outside of the trousers, or the addition of a comedy moustache may provide a bit of variety to the all-hat Game?

(Love your writing, by the way.)

Geeky Tai-Tai said...

Do you have a sense of rhythm? When my son was 15 (he's 22 now), I talked him into taking salsa and ballroom dancing lessons. It turned out that he was very good at it plus there were lots of hot girls in the class. He has thanked me many times since then because now women ask him to dance with them. There's nothing like a man who knows how to dance and lead his partner confidently around a dance floor.

Geeky Tai-Tai said...

Oops! I forgot to subscribe to comments.

La Bête said...

Undercover Elephant! I'd forgotten all about him. Hello, Luka. You sauce-pot, you.

Tai-tai: I'm not *the* most rhythmic person you'll ever meet, unfortunately. But I do like a bit of free movement, like in drama class. I was listening to Wear Sunscreen only yesterday, and when I heard the line, 'Dance, even if you have nowhere to do it but your living room', I did. I knocked over a lamp. It's something I'd like to do more of. And dance class is not a bad idea at all. Thank you!

wickedcolour said...

For a guy, in the non-negotiable looks department, you just need a good height (the taller the better - 5'8'' and upwards I believe) and a good built (broad shoulders). You don't believe me? Heidi Klum married Seal QED. In the negotiable department yes you need to have faith in your schlong size and BE CONFIDENT, yes you need to get fit (there's no other way!), really take care of your hair (women love men who know their hair products lol), and wear clothes that flatter you. Most importantly though the dating game for men is a game in numbers. The more you try, the higher the chances are you will succeed! Personally those mind games or self-esteem reducing neg techniques and etc don't work on me I think. I appreciate honesty, forcomingness; I think it's really sexy for a man to just say "Give me your number." or "I like you." And the subtle up-and-down I-can-see-you-naked look sometimes. A loud laugh. Love thyself! Dude, forget the elbow face. Keep losing your weight. If you are fit and have a big shlong, girls are gonna die for your elbow face. There's nothing sexier than a man not being afraid of his imperfections and making it work.

Anonymous said...

"I have been knocked back over the years in some pretty cold ways. More than one woman has laughed in my face when I’ve said hello."

Bete, I've had tonnes of rejection from men over the years as well and some pretty cruel knock-backs. Within my next 4 blogs I am planning to do one on "Men and Rejection" (if I haven't explained enough on all my other blogs about why I have such a negative self image, I think the blog entries about Rejection will seal the lid on it!).

Why I am I currently not doing that? Not writing my next blog but reading your archives instead?

Well because I just received my first negative comment today and it was so horrible I have just enabled comment moderation, which is a bit of a pain as now I will have to approve each and every comment, but I think the person who left the nasty comment (a man, surprise, surprise) is likely to do so again, so for the moment, until he decides to buzz off and leave my blog alone, I will use comment moderation for a few weeks.

My personal view is that if one (man or woman) is less attractive AND overweight, the best thing we can do to improve our appearance is to lose the excess weight .... but I know that is easier said than done, and emotionally difficult times can send us heading for the biscuit barrel again, as our chosen "stress buster" and emotional prop of choice.

In theory, they say we should be able to *change* one stress busting habit for another: eg when upset head for a run, instead of heading for food.

I know it's easier said than done, and I haven't been doing exactly shit hot on the first 3 weeks of my "diet" anyway (lol!) ..... and this morning's major bad karma from a pompous twat who dissed my blog, has upset me.

Which is why I am now not writing (slightly apprehensive about what comments I might get on the next blog at the moment!) but instead wasting time on the internet, reading your archives and others!

Anonymous said...

Im sorry for commenting on an old post, Ive just spent three hours plus going through your archives. Youre a fantastic writer.

I just had to say here, that among the men who have made me weak in the knees in the past, there was

i- a man who had a wandering eye and a lisp
ii- a chubby pock-marked bloke with problematic sweat glands

And I left a long term stable relationship with an all-round nice guy with great looks to boot, for a man who was short, tubby and looked like less attractive version of Gandhi.

I wont talk about whether that was a great decision in itself, (thats another story) but all the men cited above had much more minus factors in the looks department, but they made my knees weak all the same.

They were brimming with confidence and charisma because they were intelligent, witty and therefore superior to about 70 percent of the people an average person will meet in their lifetimes, (face it, most of the world is thick and dull, thats why Paris Hilton hasnt been killed by a mob yet) and they fucking knew it!

Forget about the nasty comments, they were made by people who would probably bore you to death anyway. They dont see the colors you do, and they wouldnt appreciate or be touched by the things that affect you. I was a fugly little girl and I sort of grew into my looks when I was in high school. Upon being accepted into the "beautiful people" club, I found out that most of the guys I thought were wonderful (because they were pretty to look at) were right wankers.

Dont sell yourself short. Youre a gem and you should act like it.

(sorry if this is anonymous, I dont blog)

- NJ

La Bête said...

Thank you, NJ. That is one of the nicest comments I have ever read. May rose petals garnish your dreams. Or something.