Sex Facts of the Animals. And Ange (The Littlest Ho)

Ange Fact

Ange was 13 when she swallowed her first mouthful of male ejaculate.

Now, the last thing I want is to seem like I’m passing judgement, but in my most humble opinion, that’s just a tiny bit on the young side.

I on the other hand was 24 when my taste buds first thrilled to the tang of a lady’s toilet area.

Again, the last thing I want is to seem like I’m passing judgement, but in my most humble opinion, that’s just a tiny bit on the old side.


Animal Fact #1 :: The Giraffe



Giraffes regularly indulge in all-male sex orgies. They are gay.


Ange Fact

Ange has Chlamydia.

I do not.

We are different people. Different animals. On Sunday we went to the zoo together. I took photos and learned some things. When she told me she had Chlamydia, I waggled my finger in her pretty, cum-hungry face and said: ‘As ye reap, so shall ye sow.’

Ange, to her credit, told me to go fuck myself, before adding, ‘And it’s the other way around, you dickhead.’

Ah, yes. So it is.


Animal Fact #2 :: The Iguana



The female iguana has retractile spines on the inner wall of her vagina, with which she is able to pierce her partner’s member and hold him in place long after he has ejaculated inside her. Why she has evolved this ability is not known, although zoologists suspect that it is ‘just for fun’.


Ange Fact

By the time she’d left school, Ange had worked her way through five boyfriends. While I was at home experimenting with Marmite, she was in her boyfriend’s car, all fingers and thumbs.

The fact is, I’m enormously envious of Ange. She has abilities I do not. Sex abilities.


Animal Fact #3 :: The Peruvian Semen Monkey



The Peruvian Semen Monkey is so-called because of the male’s astonishing capacity for producing and disseminating three times its own body weight in sperm in a single day.

I actually had to physically restrain Ange.


Ange Fact

Ange has had two abortions. (I’m not so envious of these.)


Animal Fact #4 :: The Gorilla



The gorilla is not a very sexy creature. Although gorillas are monogamous – which is nice – they only actually make love once every 70 years. The rest of the time they just sit around talking about the weather.


Ange Fact

Ange is a very sexy creature. She has a wonderful tongue, which she has a tendency to roll out onto her chin when she thinks she has said something amusing. I realise this sounds rather revolting, but it isn’t. Honest.


Animal Fact #5 :: The Penguin



When it comes to sex, the penguin’s reputation for sweetness and charm is completely unfounded. The female penguin is a cow. When confronted with a male in whom she has no interest, sexually, she will often knock him to the floor and trample all over him. If the male is foolish enough to take umbrage, the female will spit poison in his eyes then simply turn her back and ignore him. It should come as no surprise to learn that the female penguin works in television.


Rogue Fact

If I had been born a beautiful woman, I would have cocks coming out of my arse.

Batman

Keith got back from a weekend of goodness knows what last night and he said to me, apropos of nothing, ‘So what’s your favourite animal?’ and I said, ‘Cat. The cat is my favourite animal.’ And he said, ‘What’s your second favourite animal?’ and I said, ‘Bat. The bat is my second favourite animal.’ And he said, ‘What’s your third favourite animal?’ And I said, ‘Rat. The rat is my third favourite animal.’ And Keith said, ‘Really?’ and I said, ‘No, not really. The squirrel. Actually I think the squirrel probably comes second. Bat third.’

Then Keith said, ‘Which characteristics do you associate with the cat? Give me three adjectives that sum it up’, and I said, ‘Affectionate. Lazy. And superior. Willfully, chillingly superior.’ He wrote them down.

Then Keith said, ‘Which characteristics do you associate with the squirrel?’, and I said, 'Ingenious. Spectacular. Aloof.’

Then Keith said, ‘Which characteristics do you associate with the bat?’, and I said, ‘Chaotic. Repulsive. Slightly dark.’

Then Keith nodded his head, then shook it, then said ‘hmmm’ a lot. Then he said, ‘Well, apparently, the first one is how you see yourself. You see yourself as affectionate, lazy and superior. Then second is how others see you. Others see you as ingenious, spectacular and aloof. But the third is how you actually are. You are chaotic, repulsive and ever so slightly dark.’

‘But that’s bollocks,’ I pointed out.

Keith nodded. ‘Hmmm,’ he said.

'Can I change the order?' I said.

Keith shook his head.

‘So what are your favourite animals?’ I asked him.

He shook his head again. ‘Nah,’ he said. ‘I hate animals. I’m going to bed.’ Then he went to his room and painted this. I think the brain looks like a cock.

I don’t know what Keith did with his weekend but the fact is, he came back distinctly weirder than when he went away.