Monday, 23 June 2008

Batman

Keith got back from a weekend of goodness knows what last night and he said to me, apropos of nothing, ‘So what’s your favourite animal?’ and I said, ‘Cat. The cat is my favourite animal.’ And he said, ‘What’s your second favourite animal?’ and I said, ‘Bat. The bat is my second favourite animal.’ And he said, ‘What’s your third favourite animal?’ And I said, ‘Rat. The rat is my third favourite animal.’ And Keith said, ‘Really?’ and I said, ‘No, not really. The squirrel. Actually I think the squirrel probably comes second. Bat third.’

Then Keith said, ‘Which characteristics do you associate with the cat? Give me three adjectives that sum it up’, and I said, ‘Affectionate. Lazy. And superior. Willfully, chillingly superior.’ He wrote them down.

Then Keith said, ‘Which characteristics do you associate with the squirrel?’, and I said, 'Ingenious. Spectacular. Aloof.’

Then Keith said, ‘Which characteristics do you associate with the bat?’, and I said, ‘Chaotic. Repulsive. Slightly dark.’

Then Keith nodded his head, then shook it, then said ‘hmmm’ a lot. Then he said, ‘Well, apparently, the first one is how you see yourself. You see yourself as affectionate, lazy and superior. Then second is how others see you. Others see you as ingenious, spectacular and aloof. But the third is how you actually are. You are chaotic, repulsive and ever so slightly dark.’

‘But that’s bollocks,’ I pointed out.

Keith nodded. ‘Hmmm,’ he said.

'Can I change the order?' I said.

Keith shook his head.

‘So what are your favourite animals?’ I asked him.

He shook his head again. ‘Nah,’ he said. ‘I hate animals. I’m going to bed.’ Then he went to his room and painted this. I think the brain looks like a cock.

I don’t know what Keith did with his weekend but the fact is, he came back distinctly weirder than when he went away.

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7 comments:

goodbyetoallfat said...

"I don’t know what Keith did with his weekend but the fact is, he came back distinctly weirder than when he went away"

How long do you have to stay living with the madman, Bete?

Are there signs of you getting your own place sometime soon, or is this going to be a long term arrangement now, sharing with "Krazy Keith"?

;-)

Selena said...

I don't think bats are dark at all

pawpads said...

I love Squirrels. They bury their nuts. This makes me laugh.

Hank Kingsley said...

Keith is fucking AWESOME!

Pedipalp said...

The brain looks like a *scrotum*

:o)

Sarah said...

He missed out the but about the sea, occasionally varied to other bodies of water, that is supposed to reveal a person's attitude to sex, which is a shame because it is the best question.

Still, bats are cool.

Sarah

PS Hello. This is a great blog.

La Bête said...

Sharon, he’s a good egg really, you know. Of course you know. Just another three or four months, fingers crossed.

Selena, only in the vampyre sense. See how I spelt ‘vampyre’ with a ‘y’ there? That makes them even darker, I feel.

Pawpads, you’re a funny one. I liked your cubicle joke. It made me chortle.

Hank, hello! Long time, no see. He is awesome, you’re right. I think he’s genuinely amazing and I want to make him a star.

Pedipalp. You are strange. Although you may have something.

Sarah, yes, someone else said that to me too, in response to this. They said, ‘You’re in the middle of a large body of open water. How do you feel?’ I’m pleased to report that I said, ‘I feel excited and alive. I splash about and start swimming.’ That was before I knew about the sex connection. I felt really good about that. Then I went into my room and had a wank. Ugly but true.