Batman

Keith got back from a weekend of goodness knows what last night and he said to me, apropos of nothing, ‘So what’s your favourite animal?’ and I said, ‘Cat. The cat is my favourite animal.’ And he said, ‘What’s your second favourite animal?’ and I said, ‘Bat. The bat is my second favourite animal.’ And he said, ‘What’s your third favourite animal?’ And I said, ‘Rat. The rat is my third favourite animal.’ And Keith said, ‘Really?’ and I said, ‘No, not really. The squirrel. Actually I think the squirrel probably comes second. Bat third.’

Then Keith said, ‘Which characteristics do you associate with the cat? Give me three adjectives that sum it up’, and I said, ‘Affectionate. Lazy. And superior. Willfully, chillingly superior.’ He wrote them down.

Then Keith said, ‘Which characteristics do you associate with the squirrel?’, and I said, 'Ingenious. Spectacular. Aloof.’

Then Keith said, ‘Which characteristics do you associate with the bat?’, and I said, ‘Chaotic. Repulsive. Slightly dark.’

Then Keith nodded his head, then shook it, then said ‘hmmm’ a lot. Then he said, ‘Well, apparently, the first one is how you see yourself. You see yourself as affectionate, lazy and superior. Then second is how others see you. Others see you as ingenious, spectacular and aloof. But the third is how you actually are. You are chaotic, repulsive and ever so slightly dark.’

‘But that’s bollocks,’ I pointed out.

Keith nodded. ‘Hmmm,’ he said.

'Can I change the order?' I said.

Keith shook his head.

‘So what are your favourite animals?’ I asked him.

He shook his head again. ‘Nah,’ he said. ‘I hate animals. I’m going to bed.’ Then he went to his room and painted this. I think the brain looks like a cock.

I don’t know what Keith did with his weekend but the fact is, he came back distinctly weirder than when he went away.