Wednesday, 9 April 2008

Fast Fact #004 :: Brain Need Food

Day Three. The only remaining housemate is in the kitchen. He’s rather let himself go this week so the place is a bit of a mess. He’s even having to work by the light of the oven awning because apparently, four days isn’t enough time to nip over the road and buy a replacement for the main bulb. This is his first jug of Tree Syrup for some time now and as he fumbles with the lid to the canister, he realises that he’s a little jittery. The cap slips from his fist, pings from the brim of one of the many empty glasses on the lemon-strewn surface and skittles off under the front of the oven. In stooping to retrieve it, the housemate dislodges a grime-caked grill from the front of the oven and cops a hand full of grease and cat hair into the bargain. When he finally examines the Syrup cap, he sees that it’s peppered with mouse droppings, many years’ old. He shrugs listlessly, washes the cap under the tap and eyes an autumn-years banana with undisguised lust. ‘Mmmmm,’ he thinks, ‘mature.’

Then the housemate has a brainwave. Springing into action, he seizes the internet with his teeth and starts desperately skimming for something interesting, please God,
anything that can be done to liven up this godforsaken fucking Tree Syrup to which he is now apparently married - and HEY PRESTO! He is reminded that you can also drink it with warm water. He fills a kettle with alacrity, and boils it.

Giddy with excitement, he prepares the three-pint jug. In goes the Tree Syrup. One, two, thr… well, that was only half a one, so that’s three there really, that one, and four, five, five-and-a-bit, six, and one for luck! Look at him! Taking it off the spoon! Down the hatch! It’s like methadone to a baby. Now, paprika or ginger? That is the question. Sod it, no one’s looking - they’re both going in. Weh-hey! This. Is Madness. It’s more than madness. It’s Radness. Fasting hasn’t enjoyed scenes like these since… since records began. Oof! Just look at him go at that half-lemon. Bish, bash, bastard! In goes the hot water. In goes the cold. Out goes tradition. This has been a Big Brother fasting frenzy.

Fast Fact #004 :: Fasting is dangerous, but it can also be stupid.

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Luka said...

These are useful facts and I am making careful note of them in my Useful Facts folder.

Anonymous said...

You are worrying me now.Please go and eat something.

Anonymous said...

I can't prove it- but I'm pretty sure there's a hidden message about the end of the world in your ramblings... I just have to figure out the code to the cipher....or you could just eat something ;-)

Then again, maybe you should keep fasting and sooner or later you'll come up with some insane genious- something to do with lemons and a ginger/paprika alternative fuel source, or that just the correct mixture of lemon syrup and water cures the common cold- or perhaps you can discover a way to fashion a replacement light bulb out of a cored lemon, mouse droppings and Cat hair... it remains to be seen.

I'm still wishing you good luck, although I am kinda worried for your safety.

May Mr T in stained glass watch over you and bless your endevors with his preternatural stalwartness.