Monday, 11 August 2008

Medical Monday :: Progress

Let’s call her ‘Nursey’. Actually, let’s not. That’s a rubbish name, and also potentially rather patronising. Let’s call her Dr Lovely.

So, after hearing all about my stomach pain on Friday, and then prodding me for a while, both physically and verbally, Dr Lovely gave me a couple of pieces of paper. One of them I'm to take to one hospital and have blood taken from me, after first fasting for twelve hours; the other I have to take to another hospital and arrange for an ultrasound.

‘Is that OK?’ she said. ‘Are you content?’

I liked Dr Lovely. She was extortionately personable.

I’d also told her about my back problems and the fact that I’d been seeing a very expensive chiropractor. In response, Dr Lovely not only gave me a brief but detailed and useful overview of workstation ergonomics, but she also informed me that her surgery had a resident osteopath with whom I was welcome to make an appointment.

When we were all done and she was writing up my request forms, I mentioned the knot of lactic acid which Naomi had identified in the small of my back. I told her that when I’d first discovered it, aged 19 or so, I had assumed it was cancer and had gone along to the doctors to receive the last rites, only to be told that it merely a sebaceous cyst, and utterly benign. Charming even. Dr Lovely had a little look and told me immediately that it was too near the surface to be lactic acid. It was definitely a cyst of some kind. ‘Are you sure?’ I asked. ‘I mean, is there no room for doubt?’ She shook her head. ‘This doesn’t inspire a lot of confidence in my chiropractor,’ I said.

‘I can understand that,’ said Dr Lovely.

At reception on my way out, I was informed that there'd been a cancellation later that afternoon, so I returned a couple of hours later and shook the stout strong hand of the osteopath. Let’s call him Dr Payne.

Half an hour later, on leaving the surgery, I actually felt better. It didn’t last that long, but for a while I could feel a definite improvement. Plus, where Naomi couldn’t actually manage to make my lower spine go ‘pop’, Dr Payne managed it in seconds. He even stuck some needles in me for good measure. And he explained lots of things to me about the two sets of muscles in my back and how the smaller, postural ones which deal with the day to day movement of the body sometimes get a little lazy and fall into disuse. Plus when he massaged the larger muscles in my back, it really really hurt. At one stage, just to illustrate something he was saying, he had a go at one of my shoulders. I can’t actually remember what he was saying because the tremendous pain immediately blocked everything else out. I do remember telling him that what he was doing was agony, and he explained – whilst gleefully digging in a thumb – ‘That’s because this what we call a “trigger point”.’ The sadistic bastard.

Still. Rather a sadistic but effective, free bastard than an extortionate and weak-fingered fool. Sorry, Naomi, but I feel rather let down if I’m honest.

Indeed, the first thing I did on returning home was to cancel my next appointment with the chiropractor.

So. On the whole, Friday was very satisfactory. I still have a pain in the stomach and I still have a bad back, but at least I’m doing something about them. The one thing I didn’t make any progress on was my increasingly distressing and frankly rather unpleasant anus. The fact is, I was embarrassed. Dr Lovely was simply too lovely, and clearly too much of a lady to even have to hear about such an abomination. Let alone potentially look at it, or give it a poke. I think I might hang on for a male doctor. It feels kind of cowardly, like someone refusing to buy condoms from a female pharmacist, but there it is. On the other hand though, coward? Or gentleman?

Yeah, OK, I'm a coward.

Bye for now. And here's wishing you a Happy Monday. I hope your anus is in better shape than mine.

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curly said...

well done on progressing various medical issues so far. very well done. but you need to get your anus sorted also. As for someone viewing it - you realise once you've done it (ie allowed someone medical to see it) that it really is no big deal and the embarressment is all in your head. Am sure she's heard and seen much much worse. I used to break out in a sweat at the thought of anyone male or female seeing my ladybits in any context outside of sex. To the point where a smear test was an ordeal waiting to happen as soon as the appt was made. Recently cured myself of all such embarressment - spent a day in hospital including a minor op - the result of which meant that upto 20 people that day probably saw my bits and bobs. By the end of the day I was giving anyone who chanced a 'hello' a viewing.

Do it - you'll feel better.

Larry Teabag said...

I'm sure this blog's readers are eager to help with your anal troubles. Why not post a picture? Maybe someone can identify the problem.

Hope the rest of you recovers too.

La Bête said...

You're right, Curly, of course. I just didn't want to overwhelm Dr Lovely on the first visit. I'll do it, honest I will.

You're wrong, Mr Teabag. Very, very wrong. Thanks anyway.

Anonymous said...

But Bête , surely there's nothing like a close up of a random blogger's anus to get your day started ...

Anonymous said...

It's possible that you have a small anal fissure. Here's an oldie but goodie from the heady days of newsgroups:

He doesn't write anywhere near as well as you, but it's entertaining and informative.....

Anonymous said...

Osteopaths are actual magicians. Wizards even. They should really wear pointy hats.

Anonymous said...

I didn't think it was possible to love your blog more than I already do. "you need to get your anus sorted",then there was that comment and now, now I'd like to marry your blog and all of it's readers.

What a glorious way to start the day!

P.S. becoming infatuated with any person of the opposite sex whose nice to you, is my thing- stop stealing my moves!

P.P.S. Doctor Payne- he sounds sex...erm..fascinating

Tanya Jones said...

I'm very happy that Dr Lovely is sorting you out, and that you too have discovered the pain and joy of a decent osteopath. In more good news, my cyst is submitting to the might of the antibiotics and is beating a hasty retreat. Now all you need is to invite Dr Lovely up your back passage, and you'll be sorted.

Anonymous said...

Bete -

I used to have a small bleeding problem like the one you're talking about. None of the over-the-counter remedies worked, so I went to a proper anal specialist. The result? I was being too clean! TOO CLEAN! So, in order to fix my problem he suggested:

1. When whipeing, don't whipe. BLOT. Take the toilet tissue and blot until you're clean. Whiping is irritating.
2. Use DOVE soap to cleans your bits. It's less harsh.

I haven't seen a drop of blood on the tissue since. Hope this helps!

Anonymous said...

Get your arse checked out you big oaf. Cucumber!

Mrs. Hall said...

I had worked with a doctor who did work with 'trigger points'. It is effective.

Good for you for seeking out help with your conditions. I can't help but be curious though. I have read though a lot of this blog trying to figure out what the hell you have exactly.

You see, I am a nurse. And I the more I read you blog, the more you mention your health issues. This sets my mind to thinking about your actual diagnoses. I was unaware of how much this part of me, almost a involuntary reflex.

So please, what are your 'back conditions" and "heart conditions". Do you list them somewhere? It's driving me a little nuts. Well, that is ok. I am a psychiatric nurse by trade.

Your tush thing sounds exactly like a hemorrhoid. They are as common as the common cold.

I realize by writing this I am officially hooked on your blog. I will blog roll you soon.

Take care Mr. Elephant Man!


Mrs. Hall