bulk :: 17st 2
alcohol units imbibed :: 1000
cigarettes smoked :: 0
joints smoked :: 5
runs run :: 3
swims swum :: 0
sexy birds observed :: 2
halves of the country entirely written off :: 1
plots hatched :: 1
It seems my weight has levelled out. This is the first week since I started dieting that I haven’t lost any weight. Is it possible to level out at 17 stone 2? Or is this plateau more to do with the fact that I’ve been eating like a two-headed piglet all week? Hmm. It seems I have become complacent. At the beginning of the year, I made a conscious decision not to consume anything that wasn’t good for me. Alcohol excepted. This week (amongst other things) I have consumed:
- half a tonne of monosodium glutamate
- a vat of lager
- a third of a (small) tub of Nutella
- a Topic
- half a bag of mini-eggs
- two portions of Heaton Mess
Now you won't know what Heaton Mess is, because I only invented it yesterday, so allow me to explain. First of all, it has very little in common with Eton Mess. Just as Heaton - nasty little Newcastle backwater, populated entirely by underprivileged, cuss-spouting brutes with tattoos on their throats – has very little in common with Eton - charming little Berkshire town, populated entirely by overprivileged, Latin-spouting toff children with plums in their throats. No, Heaton Mess is a silly thing, but painfully tasty. It goes a little something like this:
Ingredients:
1 chocolate brownie
1 banana
1 helping of natural yoghurt
1 liberal sprinkling of pine nuts
Instructions:
- peel the banana and cut it into pieces with a shiny teaspoon
- place banana pieces in bowl and liberally sprinkle with pine nuts
- position head over bowl and take large bite of muffin
- chew muffin loosely and with mouth wide open (slightly reminiscent of Seth Brundle) so that loosely chewed muffin bits land in bowl with banana bits and nut sprinkling
- continue open-mouthed chewing process until entire muffin is broken up and in bowl
- cover with yoghurt
- wolf down like Cookie Monster
- repeat
I guess I should be happy that I haven’t put more weight on. I am in fact happy for this.
But I’m also determined to get back on the tired old horse before I do start piling it back on. And so, it’s time for a detox. Or rather, a fast. My Natural Tree Oil arrived a couple of weeks ago but I didn’t feel the time was right. But then, when is the time ever right to starve yourself for a week? I reckon now is as good a time as any. Well, not now. Monday. For a week. In the meantime… BINGE!!!
Have a great weekend.
