Wednesday, 24 September 2008

Smudge (Updated)

Donna, first and foremost, is very attractive. She lives next door. Keith thinks she might be a nymphomaniac but I believe this is based on the fact that Keith wants her to be a nymphomaniac, or at least he used to. Now he does not concern himself with such things. Now he has Tilly.

Donna has an eight-month-old kitten, white all over, but with a black smudge on her forehead. The kitten’s name, appropriately enough, is Smudge. Donna also has an 80-year-old father, also white all over, but with a head full of Alzheimer’s. I don’t know what his name is. Last week – quite forgetting that he already had more than enough on his plate with his Alzheimer’s – Donna’s dad went and had a stroke. He died apparently, but only for a very short while. Then he came back to life. Imagine that. Donna thinks he’s hanging on to say goodbye to her and her siblings. And so, last Thursday, she drove to Devon to say goodbye to her father.

I learned all this on Wednesday evening, when Donna popped by to ask Keith if he wouldn’t mind nipping next door once a day to feed Smudge. Unfortunately, Keith wasn’t home, so I’m afraid I had to take charge. I said there was absolutely no question of either Keith or me nipping next door to feed Smudge. ‘No way,’ I said. ‘Smudge must move in here.’

And so for the past six days, I've had a house guest.

If Dudley the Landlord finds out of course, there will be blood. But thankfully (thanks in fact, to Destiny), Dudley the Landlord is on holiday till next weekend, and when the landlord’s away, the cat will stay.

So for most of the last week, when I haven’t been researching stuff for some fucker with a book deal, I’ve been playing with Smudge, and making little films of her madness to send to You’ve Been Framed. Fingers crossed.

The timing has been perfect, as Smudge’s presence has filled a bit of a gap created by Keith buggering off to help his dad move house, and Morag buggering off to have sex with lots of other people (or something like that – whatever – I really could not care less – do you hear me? Couldn’t give a fuck.)

I love Smudge though.

Here she is snoozing...



Here she is in massive close-up...



Here she is impersonating some ancient bridge keeper from some medieval romp. 'Who would cross the Bridge of Death must answer me these questions three, 'ere the other side he see.'...



And here she is relaxing in the bath, after chasing a rolled-up crisp bag around for like, hours...



Sweet Smudge.

Donna's coming back from Devon this evening. She did get to say goodbye to her dad. He was buried on Sunday.

Of course, if she is a nymphomaniac, I'm thinking the grief might, you know, set her off. Is that wrong of me? I've bought some nice wine. I may even put on some after shave.

Am I a ghoul?

Comment query :: Have you ever taken advantage of someone's grief/sadness/nymphomania/emotional midgetry to have your evil way with them? Come on, there's no shame in it.

...

Update :: So. Donna got back around 9 last night. She came to collect Smudge. She stayed for a glass of wine.

She’s not a nymphomaniac. Or if she is, she is a fussy one; a nymphomaniac of some discernment.

She misses her dad. Turns out his name was Bernie.

I miss Smudge.

And Morag. I miss Morag too.



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26 comments:

isabelle said...

hmm, no , you're not a ghoul, your forward planning, cat ( and keith ) loving ways are actually rather sexy.

Inwardly Confused said...

I totally wore stockings once at work to take advantage of some fellow I knew had been dumped by his hideous girlfriend....I made sure I adjusted the suspenders in the stock room giving the impression I didn't know he was stacking import cd's, worked like a charm, got me some lovin' and we both walked around for ages smiling like mentalists. I also tricked him into marrying me and having children HURRAH!

daisyfae said...

no - but what a GREAT idea! Hanging out at cemetaries, looking for bereaved hotties to [ahem] comfort. i'll let you know how that works out...

Selena said...

No it's not wrong. It'll probably do her a world of good losing herself and her grief for the duration of the tryst, or since she may be a nympho- perhaps 5 or 85, actually in upwards of 150 trysts.

Plus, being the sentimental guy that you are, you'll probably fall hopelessly in love with her. So, you that makes it so you're not just using her.

Unfortunately-since she's a grieving nypho- the love may not be reciprocated and I'm sorry to say it, but you may very well end up listening to a Smith's record on repeat and writing bad poetry.

Umm, as for me- I can't say that I've taken advantage of anyone's grief and transformed it into sex.

However, I have let someone kiss and pet my tears away and it was lovely and helpful. The sex was purifying in a way- it helped relieve the tension & sadness

So.... what I am saying is-
WORK THE WINE and DO YOUR COMPASSIONATE, EMPATHETIC BEST TO "EASE HER PAIN". It's your duty, as a good neighbor, that and being guardian of cats.

La Bête said...

Sexy eh? Bonus.

IC, that old stockings trick will get you a husband every time. Or ideally just once.

Daisy, I think the day of the funeral might be a bit previous. Or do you mean when they're visiting their dead loved one's grave? Ah yes, that might work. Yes, let me know.

Selena, yes, ease her pain. I'll give it my best shot.

That fucking comment whore, suburbanhen said...

Smudge looks really quite a bit precious. I'm glad she has the smudge of black on her head. Stops them there white cats from being deaf.

Carnalis said...

if i were a girlie-girl, i would be ga-ga over the pink and white cat. She is gorgeous! (ok, just a little ga-ga)

Sex is very good for grief, as long as it is healthy sex .. guilt-free, vigorous, sweaty and with lots of giggles and maybe a tear afterwards. Have fun!

daisyfae said...

right... scouting at funerals probably a bit over the top. i'll go with your idea instead...

Aiko said...

Hmm, no to your questions, but I'm pleased to learn it's not just my cat that likes to sit in the bath.... that said, she is named Sponge. (She had the name when I got her, its not my doing!)

Mrs. Hall said...

Yes.

Clare Sudders said...

I've been wondering who Tilly is. I think I must have missed the place where Tilly was introduced.

Who the hell is Tilly??

Selena said...

Hi Clare Sudders,

Tilly is Not Keith's Girlfriend- look for her in Bete's post about his speed dating experience.

She is also featured on Not Keith's Le site d'ARTE

Which if you haven't checked out you should- go do it right now ;-)

Panda said...

Um, BDJ - Does Donna read your blog?

hey said...

She needs her smudge, and I bet the glass of wine helped too ♥

Clare Sudders said...

Ah yes Selena, I have indeed glanced at Keith's site mow and then, and been equally bemused by contextless references to Tilly...

And now I'm also wondering who Morag is. I suspect I'm just not paying proper attention, am I? I blame the drugs.

Clare Sudders said...

Aha. I have been doing research and I am now fully up to date on both Tilly and Morag.

This site really needs a search function though. And I need to stop arsing about looking for excuses not to be doing what I'm supposed to be doing.

*sigh*

Life's a bitch.

Ani Smith said...

To answer your question, no. But, oh the dastardly deeds I've done for a Hob Nob ...

Selena said...

Sorry, that she's not a nyphomaniac- I kind of figured that was wishful thinking...

I'm also sorry that you miss Smudge and, via the loss of smudge, are probably panging for Pablo as well. Maybe Donna will ask you to watch her again.

Also, try to remember that Pablo is happy and content in some version of the Elysian Fields for cats- he's probaly better off than we all are.

As to Morag, what happened to your bravado, "I really could not care less – do you hear me? Couldn’t give a fuck"? Ahh, Bete- you do try; I'm sure Morag will come round again...

Won't you Morag?

isabelle said...

I just thought....perhaps you should get a new kitten and call her Morag, kill two birds with one stone, so to speak .

La Bête said...

Hen, Smudge is precious. Extremely so. And no, not deaf. I didn’t realise that was down to her markings. Now I know.

Carnalis, do you mean ‘tear’ to rhyme with ‘fear’ or ‘tear’ to rhyme with ‘share’? No, I know really, I’m just wasting everyone’s time.

Very wise, Daisy.

Aiko, Sponge is a great name for a cat. Or indeed for any living creature. Better a Sponge than a Stone any day of the week.

Mrs H. More, please.

Come on, Sudders. Keep up!

Thanks, Selena. You’re like my PA.

Jesus, Panda, I really sincerely hope not. I don’t tell anyone I meet these days about the blog. But also, most of the people I do meet these days I tend to meet through the blog. Funny old world.

Sudders! Welcome. There is a search function, top left, the one attached to all blogspot blogs. Now get on with your work.

Hob Nob whore alert! Shame on you, Ani.

Hey, Lena. I did stress to Donna that whenever she wanted me to, I would have no hesitation whatsoever in taking care of her darling pussy. Indeed, I said it would be entirely my pleasure. I also said I’d look after Smudge. Ha! A pussy pun! Hilarious! God, I’m depressed.

Thanks, Isabelle. That’s very helpful.

sobs into his wine

Selena said...

I'm not going to say cheer up- instead i'll offer a, "Chin up, eyes foward and march ever onwards!".It simply will not do to dwell in the doldrums.

I dont' know exactly why you're depressed. I could speculate based on your blog. However- I am sure there's more to it than just Morag, Donna and Smudge. After all, so much goes on in your life outside of this html coded world.

If a hug helps- then I'm giving an electronic one to you and to anyone else who reads your blog and needs one. If a hug via computer is too familiar for you or anyone else- then- I can also "make it rain" high fives ;-)

Bete that the small part of yourself that you put type out and post on internet-is brilliant, not to mention cherished, by quite a few people. I hope that sentiment carries over to the Stan-that exist in the "real world" (somewhere in England.)

DON'T, I REPEAT- DO NOT- DRINK LOTS OF WINE AND LISTEN TO THE SMITHS, RADIO HEAD, KATE BUSH, OR JOY DIVISION- believe me those bands are not "THE CURE" to your sadness...HA, HA...ha:-\

Bah!! uhh- erm...ok, now I am a little depressed too- can you send me a glass of wine- fedEx International P1- to keep me from hating myself for that bad pun :-(

In fact- don't bother- let the lack of wine be a...wait for it.... PUN-ishment to me

and scene!

With that Lena hangs her head in mock shame

Clare Sudders said...

OK. I am up. And working! Hurrah. Except... Oh. If I'm here I guess maybe I'm not working after all. I do have a cat on my lap though, so that's all right.

Clare Sudders said...

Do you think Crunch is an odd name for a cat? The lady in the pet shop did. But she is the colour of a ginger biscuit and has a crunchy purr.

Tanya Jones said...

My first boyfriend got together with me when my dad died. He was a manipulative cunt, but I think I was probably naive enough to have gone out with him regardless of my dead dad. You seem nice and honest enough to be a suitable comforter, should she need it.

Mina McKay said...

Smudge is adorable. Reminds me of my kitty...who died. :(

Vulgar Wizard said...

Maybe Smudge will come over to visit sometime? The kitty eyes in super close up mode show that she appears to like you. Cats don't look at all humans like that, you know. They're very picky.

I have an Domestic Shorthair orange Tabby cat named Loki. If something ever happens to him, I will be crushed. I love him!