Less than two weeks ago…
Scat: Look, it’s more that I want the person I want to want me back and to know it. Oh God, I don’t know. Let’s talk about it this weekend.
Morag: No, let’s not.
Scat: And I’m the child.
Morag: Excuse me?
Scat: Cat and mouse, cat and mouse.
Morag: WTF?
Scat: Why can’t we talk about it this weekend?
Morag: Because I’m not going to see you this weekend. I’m going away with a friend.
Scat: Anyone I know?
Morag: That’s not likely is it? You don’t know any of my friends.
Scat: Anyone I know OF I mean.
Morag: You mean is it Ollie?
Scat: I suppose so, yes.
Morag: Of course it’s not.
You don’t know me at all, do you?
Scat: I suppose not, no.
Morag: Right. Any more questions?
Scat: So when was that decided?
Morag: Hold on a sec….
[Time passes.]
Here we are -
You’re rather inquisitive for a fuck buddy.
Scat: Touché. Right. OK, Morag. Well, do have a great weekend and maybe I’ll see you around.
Scat is offline. Messages you send will be delivered when Scat comes online.
Later that day...
Morag: The thing is though, your blog is supposed to be about your quest for true love, I just thought your readers should know that here you are being offered love and you’ve turned it down.
Scat: What? Really? I had no idea.
Was I being offered true love?
When did that happen?
Morag: Don’t be a smartarse, please.
I made it perfectly clear that I was offering to take our relationship onto the next level – onto a firmer footing, and you threw it back in my face.
Scat: NO no no nonono. No!
I did not throw anything anywhere. I just didn’t see why I should roll over and let you lick my face after you’d already – quite coldly – rejected me.
I didn’t think you’d give up so easily to be honest. I thought maybe you might try and persuade me, buy me Sugar Puffs, make me realize that maybe I could believe in what you were half-saying, that maybe you really did want to be with me, but instead at the first tiniest setback you’re fucking off on weekends and trying to make me jealous.
Morag: It was NOT cold.
Scat: Whatever.
Morag: Are you jealous?
Scat: Whatever.
Morag: You child.
Scat: YOU fucking child. How DARE you.
Morag: This is starting to get a little tedious now.
CAPITALS and all.
You know what I meant.
Scat: You want me to blog about you? Fine, I’ll blog about you, right down to this exchange here if that’s what you want.
I did not! Not for sure.
Morag: I’m past caring frankly. Blog it all, blog none of it. It’s entirely up to you.
Scat: I love you.
Morag: Excuse me?
Scat: Nothing. I didn’t say anything.
Morag: You’re the weirdest person I’ve ever met.
Scat: Are you sure you don’t want to spend the weekend with me? I really want to spend the weekend with you.
Morag: Oh, Stan I can’t now. I’ve promised my friend we’d do something.
Scat: OK, OK.
Morag: I’ll see you next week though, if you’re up for it. I want to see Somers Town with you.
Scat: OK, that’ll be great.
Morag: Have a good weekend then. Is Keith about?
Scat: Nah, he’s off to help his dad move. I’m looking after next door's Smudge. And I think I’m going to go and see my dad.
It’s Dad Weekend in fact. How odd.
Morag: Oh God yeah, I really hope that goes well.
Scat: Thanks.
Morag: OK, I better get going. I’ll speak to you on Monday.
Scat: OK, have fun.
Morag: I'm sorry I was such a cow earlier.
Scat: I'm sorry too.
Bye bye.
xxx
Morag: Bye Stan.
x
...
Comment Whoring :: How do you cope with jealousy?
29 comments:
oo crikey.
I guess she wouldn't have tried to make you jealous if she didn't care, but how can you find out whether she cares about you more than about being in control?
In her place, after that exchange I would have blown at least some of my weekend plans out of the water so you could have had the conversation face to face.
Of course she could be massively insecure, and playing cat and mouse like this is her way of avoiding rejection.... but either way it's going to be a bumpy ride if you go on with it.
Is she worth it?
"How do you cope with jealousy?"
Badly ...
"I made it perfectly clear that I was offering to take our relationship onto the next level – onto a firmer footing, and you threw it back in my face."
Sorry BdJ, but I'm totally with Morag on this one. She has been clear and consistent throughout these exchanges, and it's quite painful to see you hit the self-destruct button.
Her feelings for you have grown over time, to the extent where she has re-assessed her entire position on having a relationship. That's a remarkable tribute. You should be delighted!
It does my box in. The English language is quite a good tool, when used properly.
Why can't people just state clearly exactly what it is they wish to communicate? All this second-guessing, wheels within wheels shit is so unnecessary.
Being perfectly honest, I think you're both being a bit ... silly, during these exchanges.
Sigh.
I love you, Bete, I honestly do. And I hope this all works out for you.
Dear Christ how thoroughly tedious. I think I'd prefer masturbating alone for the next forty years to reruns of Location Location Location and eventually be found dead under a mountain of old takeaway boxes and stained pictures of Kirsty Allsop than utter one more line in that dreadful conversation. Simply too wearying. But then, I'm a cold-hearted bitch who doesn't get jealous. Your mileage, evidently, varies.
do you believe in love-at-first-sight? Do you believe that love-at-first-sight is the only true love?
Being BLogged About is very stressful; i don't recommend it.
OOOH you MAN you - you wanted her to chase you just because she took her time to realise her feelings for you!!!!!! YOU AND YOUR PRIDE!!!!!!!!
I would be v e r y warned off you by now!!
but glad you're a blog buddy nonetheless XX
Jealousy is a weird thing. It's what tips things over the line between love and hate. It distorts everything, turns it all foul. I coped with a jealous situation a few years ago. Eventually, I just decided to let it go. I'm much happier. And so is the man involved.
M
Denial. It's the way forward.
Fingers in the ears, and best "la la la" voice should just about do it...
Did I miss something? You say 'I love you' and she says you're weird and do you fancy going to see a film?!!
What starts as no strings attached rarely stays that way. Maybe she just wants you to want her; you did at first but now you're just having fun (as per her instructions) now all of a sudden she's Torremolinos not Mauritius.
K
I sympathise. I cope with jealousy very badly. Funny thing is I was never the jealous type with my previous boyfriends but when I started going out with Magic I became insanely jealous and I was shocked at myself. I'd be phoning him asking hi where he was if he was five mins late for work, every time a waitress smiled at him I'd think she was after him. It's four and a half years tomorrow since we started going out and it's only in the last few months that I've learned to deal with it.
Andrea
Interesting how Morag seems to have convinced you that this is all about jealousy. Actually, jealousy doesn't even come into it.
You were showing respect by not blogging about the minutiae of your relationship. But her insecurities couldn't handle that. You dealt with her reaction pretty shabbily (but you already know that) and you’ve now shown a lack of respect by blogging the conversation (but you know that too).
What's also interesting (to me, at least) is that when she felt she wanted to take your relationship more seriously, she decided to tell you online. That, my friend, is just a little bit bonkers.
I think Morag is a bit jealous of all your comment buddies. You seem to share a lot with them, except about her, and then you blow the whole lot out in a rush, except it's edited to suit your needs. Does Morag have a blog where she can put her side?
Maybe you should go back to talking about her obliquely and both of you should take the time to actually be with each other for a whole conversation. On line exchanges are easily misconstrued.
Jealousy: I can only say trite stuff like jealousy stems from insecurity and self-hate and you need to love yourself more (but how the hell you get there I don't honestly know - I think you need other people to be nice to you for a start). And that, well, jealousy is silly. And destructive. And pointless. So you have to get much better at self-monitoring and self-control, and when you feel it coming up, stop dead, tell yourself off, remind yourself it's silly and destructive and pointless and Just Don't Do It. But as I've never suffered from much more than the odd twinge, which I quoshed quickly (cos it was silly and destructive and pointnless), I probably don't really understand what it's like to suffer badly from it nd am therefore not the best person to ask. Sorry.
By the way... now that you've read these exchanges back, you can see that you were being an insecure eejit, right? That she was trying right from the start to tell you that she liked you more than she originally thought and that she wanted a proper relationship, and that you totally fucked it up by getting all defensive and arsey about it all, right?
Although having said that, she too got all defensive and arsey at the drop of a hat. You're obviously made for each other.
It was one of those ridiculous conversations where you were both so convinced that the other was goign to hurt you that you both ended up hurting each other. Made me want to slap you both around the chops with a wet fish.
P.S. If someone tells you they don't want a full-on relationship with you, and then changes their mind, the correct response is, "Yippee! She wants me! I am so wonderful that I won her round and changed her mind and now we can both move forward to a place where we both want to be!" rather than "Well, harumph. She didn't want me before so now I'm going to get her back by not wanting her either. Ner ner to her." People get scared of relationships, you eejit. You shouldn't be all prissy and hurt cos someone is scared of getting close and then changes their fucking mind in your favour. You should be pleased.
Jeez.
I get it from both sides...I do. You are hurt, still stinging from the initial rejection. You had offered up your heart and vulnerability at the beginning and it was thrown back or maybe politely handed back to you. That is a hard(soft) slap to turn the other cheek for.
However, what was offered back and taken was a friendship with benefits. That, I think, was your mistake. From reading your blog I don't think you are cut out for such arrangements IMHO. If it makes you feel better- not many people are. Fuck buddies more often then not end up in sticky situations like this, I've only had one that worked out. Fuck buddies is not the road for a hopeless romantic to travel down (which you seem to me, to be.)
The person who writes this blog is looking for LOVE. It's clear to anyone who reads it- including Morag. That is how you guys met, right? So, Morag should have known what she was walking into and stepped lightly. Who knows- perhaps she did handle things delicately. We don't have her side of the story.
So now she's offered herself to you and you are confused. Maybe you are being a bit stubborn, prideful and scared. You are the same Stan she initially rejected, what's the difference now? Why should she get to dictate the hows and whens of your relationship? How can she not understand, why you are reluctant?
But you have to understand you guys are doing this relationship thing backwards. It's not going to work as if you had been dating and then came to realize that you two had feelings and progressed from there.
Morag, had every right to say that she was not ready to commit to more in the beginning. She did not come into it seeking love. However, since it was her idea to be Fuck Buddies. It is not fair for her to be petulant about you saying that you're not ready for more, now. Even if, it is partly because you are still nursing your wounds from her initial denial.
Also, Morag- I think that it is definitely childish to play games about going out of town with "mystery person." Jealousy is not proof of love-it's just a manifestation of insecurity, and self doubt.
Bete, instead of asking you if you were happy and content, leaving the choice up to you- and taking the easy way out, she should have been brave and just thrown it out there.
Something like, "Stan, I know when we started this- I wasn't ready. I know it was my idea to play light and loose and just be friends with benefits. That was my choice but I've come to realize that I really like you, care about you, and want to be with you. You and only you. I want to give you what you offered to me in the beginning. I know it's a bit late and that you've probably built a wall, so that you couldn't be hurt by me again; that's understandable. All I can say is, I'm sorry if I hurt you and I am ready now. I hope that you can let yourself feel that way about me again. I want to try, if you're willing and I can wait"
I think if she admitted that she hurt you and said she was willing to wait- I would have caved right then and there- but that's me.
Anyway who really thinks like that, let alone writes it down in IM?
We humans are strange creatures and make things way more difficult than they have to be.
So now it's tit for tat-kinda. It's time to stop playing games. You know really examine the situation and see what's up.
It looks like she's looking for meaning and a new course for her life to run, to try something new. What with, wanting to move and wanting to go after her career. You know-"be a grown up."
Just make sure that you're not a check mark on the list, before you commit.
Also, if you say you need time-I think it's only fair that she give it to you. You know the whole do unto others thing...
Good Luck to you and Morag.
Morag- no hard feelings- but I can only go off of what is written.
well then - that was a very interesting conversation... straight from fighting to loving from one sentence to the next...
I'm all for honesty, but game playing is probably necessary. Maybe I'm just being bitter - I have been quite bitter about the opposite sex these days - but I used to believe in sharing feelings and the truth. It never quite worked out to my advantage.
So what do you do?? Well, DO YOU have feelings for her now?
BTW - there were a few things you'd asked me to expand upon a while back and I've been meaning to send you a message personally but don't have your email, maybe I shall write you on facebook
'Jealousy is all the fun you think they had'
Keep your wits about you and a window of logic in your head that reminds you that they're not nearly as interesting as your imagination.
jealousy? like urbane spaceman, badly i'm afraid...
stalking. well, it isn't really stalking without a legal restraining order, is it? withdrawl. crying in the shower, while fully clothed. having sex with strangers...
not my best gig. hence, i guard my heart with a very sharp object. my tongue...
good luck. this shit is really messy, but sometimes going through this muck brings you closer... or not...
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Mrs. Hall
Wow, it's so interesting the different perspectives people have had on this and post #1. I find it a bit disturbing, actually, how many truths there are that might be true in a situation like this... I have a simple mind and I always just want to know how things stand.
My instinct is that games like this are no good and will only make you fucked-up and sad, whoever's "fault" they are. But then, we are imperfect beings in an imperfect world. I'm pretty sure that the next time I'm in a relationship I will find it hard not to play the stupid games that come naturally to me, and I just hope one day someone will think I'm worth hanging about while I work through that shit.
My answer to the jealousy question was also "badly". Generally making myself massively unhappy. Obsessing about it. Not just with lovers but friends and people I'm unrequitedly in love with. I'm aware that it's pathetic, intellectually, but emotionally I can't help feeling it. I have no idea how one copes with it. Again, I'm a hopeless romantic and I hope that when you really feel loved and secure with someone then it's not so bad. So obviously that's about your own self-esteem and insecurities, and no-one else is going to fix that, but it's also about the other person being good to you.
http://www.nets2go.co.uk/love-isnt-blind.html
How do you cope with jealousy?
I don't. Or badly. Just call me the green eyed monster
How I cope with jealousy?
Really quite phenomenally badly.
I once locked myself in a bathroom for ten hours.
"How do you cope with jealousy?"
Don't get jealous. If your partner is going to fuck someone else there's bugger all you can do about it so until it happens just be happy. If they are not going to fuck someone else there's nothing to be jealous about. You can try and keep your girlfriend away from attractive men but there's two kind of people in the world - those who cheat and those who don't. If you're with the former you can't stop them, if you're with the latter there is nothing to be jealous about.
If Morag is going to fuck Ollie then she's not worth it, if she is not then you've got nothing to worry about.
"How do you cope with jealousy?"
God knows, I'm as much of a quivering mass of insecurities as the next man (probably more so, but then we all think that, right?) - but weirdly, jealousy is the one insecurity that I *don't* do.
Except very occasionally, in the very early stages of a (non-sexual)friendship, when I want the friendship to become a closer one and hence am labouring under a kind of platonic crush. It's still not a big deal, though. And in my relationship? Hand on heart, never.
(But then we're allowed to sleep with other people. It's a gay thing, innit. Barely happens these days, anyway. Hey, we're getting old. Jolly exciting when it does, though. Ooh, we can't wait to give each other the blow-by-blow. As it were.)
Why don't we do the jealousy thing? Perhaps it's partly because we don't play games. Life's complicated enough as it is, and it's good to have at least one area in life where you can be totally straight-up with someone at all times.
Saying what you mean, meaning what you say.
I recommend it! ;-)
Wot the tombstone said. That's exactly why jealousy is an utter waste of time. Also wot Mike said. Be honest, don't play games, don't sulk, don't expect people to second-guess you, basically use good communication skills. And don't expect other human beings, no matter how much in love with them you are, to be any more perfect or inhuman than you are. We are sexual beings and we fuck up. Of course someone you love will still be attracted to other people. You are, so why shouldn't they be? Doesn't mean they love you any the less and doesn't mean you aren't the most important person in their life. Just get over it.
I'm late, as usual. Hopefully not irrelevant.
Jealousy is fear of loss. Someone taking the thing you want away from you.
But what is it you want?
What are you jealous of and why? Because she is fucking someone else? Because she is with someone else? Is it you pride hurting (fucking) or your heart? (you want to be with her)
Coping is about logic flow. Either you can do something about a situation or you can't. If you can, then you do it. If you can't, then you observe a feeling for what it is.
Try to suffer it nobly and wait until it passes, which it will.
I'm catching up, as I mentioned before, and her behaviour at this point would have earned her a one week ignorance card from me. If she's around after that, maybe we could talk. If not - you'd have done yourself a favour.
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