Monday, 7 September 2009

Sarah Ogden's Undergarments :: A Modern Love Story

I was just cleaning out my phone camera when I came across this charming graffito I found somewhere in the North a couple of months ago.



I find it distinctly haunting in its suggestiveness. I can’t help trying to imagine who might have scrawled it there so carelessly, near the bottom of a small flight of stone steps, next to a fairly rank row of bus stops leading out of the city centre. Of course, there are endless possibilities, but I think the most obvious interpretation is as follows…

The graffitist is a former lover of Sarah Ogden, recently spurned. Since the spurning, Sarah Ogden has entered into a new relationship with another man. In my head I have a spectacularly telling two-set Venn diagram representing men who buy underwear for their lovers, and men who carelessly scrawl lovelorn and slightly bitter graffiti in public places, and everyone in the overlap is aged 19 or 20, and works in either Argos, Primark or Subway. Sarah herself – I suspect – works in H&M, and has a slight lisp, like Liz Jones, who is execrable.

The graffitist was severely intoxicated when he wrote the question – probably on a heady cocktail of cider and temazepam – hence the false starts, poor punctuation, shocking calligraphy and general downward trajectory of his work. He was probably weeping at the time too.

Of course, I could be way off. The questioner could in fact be a left-handed lady midget, racked with dementia.

If you have any thoughts about Sarah Ogden, her underwear, or any of the other participants in this torrid love triangle, please get drunk and type them carelessly into the comments box below.

I thank you.



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20 comments:

Anonymous said...

I would have said that the graffitist is the embittered former lover of the underwear buyer, jealous that "he" bought the 5-for-a-pound multipack for Sarah instead of her...

Anonymous said...

"We" is the most worrying word in that little piece of wall scrawl. Who clubs together to buy people underwear? And, more to the point, why?

Maybe Ms Ogden is this decade's M Khan.

Anonymous said...

I agree - that is indeed a most interesting piece of graffiti. But it was obviously written by a woman.

This woman (I can't recall her name) is married to a man called Stan. Dastardly Stan had a torrid affair with Sarah Ogden, and bought her some saucy knickers.

Do you see it now?

Wellington

Calistro said...

I think it was written by a girl whose former best friend (Sarah Ogden) has gone off with her dad.

PurestGreen said...

That is utterly brilliant and I love it. I love that he was so drunk his face was scraping down the wall as he wrote, snot and tears mixing with the ink. I love it, shameful pants and all.

Anonymous said...

Hmmm... I think it could likely be written by a despairing young girl who has just found out her boyfriend bought her best friend Sarah Ogden a pair of underwear. There is more pain than vitriol in that message which makes me believe she is wounded rather than scorned. Sorry I'm not drunk. Just on the Chav express home.

the fly in the web said...

I assume some symbiosis between the descent of the handwriting the the probable fate of the knickers in question

Running Queen said...

Ok this is my take on the sorry affair; Sarah Ogden's best friend Lindsay is pally with this really horny stud-muffin "Stan". Lindsay is secretly in love with Stan but is so afraid of rejection that she says nothing (this is because Stan isn't keen on pasty brunettes - he prefers stacked blondes like Sarah Ogden). Lindsay works in Anne Summers which is where Stan comes for advice on underwear to buy for this stacked blonde woman called Sarah Ogden (the girl he is currently courting - he confides everything in Lindsay as being a bloke he is totally oblivious to the unrequieted love that Lindsay is suffering with). Lindsay deliberately suggests some arse slicing PVC thong and Stan buys it. Unfortunately it all back fires as Sarah Ogden (being a skinny bint) loves the undies and tells Lindsay how wonderful her love-life is with Stan the stud thanks to the dirty undies. Unable to cope with the misery Lindsay goes on the town for a bender to drown her sorrows and in the end decides to quit town, whilst waiting for a bus to take her out of town she sits on some steps by a really shabby row of bus stops to have a sob or two and leaves her lasting thoughts on the town, Sarah Ogden and the harrowing pain of unrequieted love and regret at not speaking out.
I apologise for any typos and grammatical errors, I wrote this after drinking 2 bottles of McEwans Champion ale - for the purposes of inspiration of course.

La Bête said...

Anon2 - I think it's 'he' as opposed to 'we'. Yes, that would be strange.

Thanks, everyone. Some persuasive arguments that the graffitist might actually be a woman there. In fact, I'm convinced.

However, your theory, Running Queen, is the work of some madness. Seek ye medication - non-liquid medication - and pronto.

Henk Van Vleck said...

Sarah Ogden is posh totty looking to slum it a bit and find out what it's like to be poor and common (like in the pulp song).

Her mates are helping her out with this by buying her cheap and slutty underwear and only communicating with her to see how things are going via graffiti (which being unused to they aren't very good at) and txt spk.

It's all just ra-ra high-jinks really and it'll be back to Pimms on the polo-club veranda by next week.

Wisewebwoman said...

The lack of a question mark at the very end speaks of the despair of the little munchkin (female of course)who cannot summon the energy to parse the sentence. Sarah Ogden, in your sparkly knickers, do not let munchkins peer up your skirt!

Andy said...

I am wearing some of Sarah Ogden's underwear right now, and I feel cheap and nasty and very special and nasty.... and.....and.... ooooo....

Time for a bit of a lie down, I think.

Anonymous said...

Bonjour La Bête,
Maybe the graffiti girl is laughing her head off while writing, as she advised dumb lover boy to buy the most ridiculous and tacky underwear to poor Sarah, who now must look so silly in them.
Uncle Did

Running Queen said...

Well I am offended, I thought that was a truly inspired story personally. I am now officially on the huff.

Kate said...

Thinking on a different angle -maybe Sarah is a renowned cheapskate. So cheap in fact that she steals her friends expensive underwear because she says she won't weat anything cheap. In despair her friends brought her a packet of marks and sparks granny pants and as revenge for all the missing thongs left her a the message.

artfulkisser said...

Maybe Sarah and the scribe are/were in a lesbian relationship and he/Stan threw a spanner in the works?

Mrs Gibson's Atelier said...

I love it, I can't imagine what the story is behind it all but it reminds me of a piece of graffiti I used to walk passed when I lived in Hoxton, it said '' Tim Reeves is lying about me and my kids'' in huge letters on the side of a garage. Marvellous.

CarolH said...

Well I think the girl who wrote the message was Sarah Ogden's lesbian lover. Jealous of her boyfriend. thats it.

marianne said...

Oh ... I am with your other lovely readers. The writer is a scorned woman. In fact, I suspect that bitch Sarah bragged about the new panties. She may even have shown them off in public. The more-than-slightly drunk graffiti artist (well, 'artist' may be a little generous) had to sit down when she became too dizzy and nauseous to continue, then slumped against the wall. She awoke a few minutes later to find that she still carried the (unidentifiable writing implement)she had used to scrawl her phone number on a cocktail napkin in an effort at dating vengeance earlier that evening. Then, she did the natural thing... vented her anger and hurt in writing.

Or something.

Vulgar Wizard said...

Graffitist stays late at work one night and walks in on Sarah and her boss going at it on the copier. Sarah is wearing lingerie that Graffitist has never seen but recognizes as being of the highest quality and price and therefore assumes it was purchased by her boss, who is rich beyond belief. Graffitist wanders the streets and pubs, drinking pint after pint of ale, until he finally seats himself on those steps and sobbingly scrawls his message. He wakes up just after dawn with a hangover and returns to the apartment which he a Sarah shared to throw her cheap undergarments on the front lawn. Then he changes the locks.