Monday, 27 October 2008

Feedback Friday, On A Monday :: Has The World Gone Mad?

bulk :: 15st 10
cigarettes :: 0
mammoth sweats:: 3
fibre freakouts :: 4 (bowls of bran with banana, sultanas and piping hot milk and honey)
James Bond-related rages :: 3
government communiqués :: 1
Hob Nobs :: 0
Halloween-themed Jaffa Cakes :: 5

The good news is, I think I may have just landed a job which means I can stay at home again. The bad news is, if it comes off, it will be very, very tedious indeed. But you know... whatever. You can’t have everything. You’re not Rupert Murdoch.

So, back in January, I did some work for a certain government department that shall remain nameless. Suffice to say, it wasn’t one of the most exciting ones. In actual fact, it was one of the least. Basically I was asked to write their ‘yearbook’ and tidy up the copy on their hilariously tedious website. I did this on behalf of an advertising agency who’d hired me on the say so of someone else for whom I’d written some exceptionally bland garbage. At some stage I swapped a couple of emails with the agency’s contact at the government department in question. Let’s call her Miss Manypunny (weirdly, that is her actual name). Well, last week, Miss Manypunny got in contact with me. She wants me to do more of the same, but she wants to save money by cutting out the agency. Would I have a problem with that, she wanted to know. Um… no. No, I’m fine with that.

So, hopefully, as of next week, I’ll be working for the government. I’ll be a kind of copy writing James Bond.

Aaaah, James Bond. Did you know by the way, that there’s a new film out next week? Had you heard? Had you by any chance picked up on any of the tsunami of publicity that’s saturating every nook and cranny of the media at the moment?

I should come clean. I fucking hate James Bond. There, I’ve said it. I think he’s crap. All of the films are exactly the same and they all tease the muck from a dead man’s sack. The hype is driving me crazy. Everywhere, everywhere I turn these days I see that charisma-free dullard, Daniel Craig, selling me TVs, selling me scratchcards, selling me shit films, and I’m really, really pissed off with it.

Still. What about that Olga Kurylenko though, eh?


Seriously though. Eh?

And not only that, but she’s also one of the most exciting bloggers on the whole world wide web. Poor love. Why don’t you leave her a comment?

Anyhow, much more importantly, if I land this contract, for a few weeks at least there’ll be no more goddamn commuting. And that fills me with something akin to joy.

Now I know that most people have to commute every day of their lives and have had to for years, but frankly speaking, that’s their problem. I can’t hack it. I know that if I have to carry on doing it, it’s only a matter of time before I flip out, tool up and join the massed ranks of London’s legions of proper loons.

Have you seen how many mad people are out there? How many are there in London I wonder. Every day recently, I’ve seen at least two, usually men, either ranting at invisible friends like displaced bloggers, lunging at invisible enemies like geriatric swordsmen, or buttonholing some overly timid stranger and terrorising them with loud stories from above and beyond the call of common sanity. The sheer amount of bona fide string-collecting crazies has been a revelation to me. On Thursday last I saw three. All men. All in various stages of bristliness. All with hideous verbal shenanigans going on. One of them seemingly under the impression that he was a poltergeist. Imagine that.

Where do they all come from? Glasgow, mostly. But the rest of them, I don’t know. I don’t understand how there can be so many people who clearly need help just roaming the streets and swarming over public transport, shouting and lashing out at the things in their heads. It’s horribly sad. Keith suggests I blame Thatcher and her economy-driven rebirthing of the Care in the Community programme. So I’m going to do that. Bloody Thatcher.

Anyway, that’s my news. And today I was supposed to be commuting, continuing with the work I’ve been doing for Jack Wax (I just made up that name for him, but it’s surprisingly appropriate). Things however, changed last night when Keith received a panicky phone call from his step-mother. His dad is apparently not doing well. So we’re dropping everything and driving back up to Burnley to see if we can help by standing around worrying and drinking tea.

Keith insisted that I didn’t have to come, but I felt a really strong desire to use the situation as an excuse to get out of fighting my way through hordes of insane people in order to sit in an enclosed space for eight or nine hours poring over inane crap for a farting old word-mangle and self-important turd.

So. Burnley here we come.

We’ll be back as soon as possible though, and if I get this job, which I should find out about in the next couple of days, then I’ll be back in the safety of my home, able to blog freely again, and getting the government to pay me for the privilege.

Eat that, Credit Crunch!

Oh, one more thing. The reason I bought those Halloween-themed Jaffa Cakes – or Spooky Cake Bars as they’ve been branded – was because I was really curious to know how much they’d done to make their standard fare slightly more sinister. ‘Trick and Treat’ the wrapping promised. I was intrigued. Were they poisoned?


In fact, they were so disappointingly similar to non-Satanic Jaffa Cakes, and I was so furious at having been taken in, that I ate them all in one session with a nice cup of tea.

Eat that, 007!

Comment Whoring :: What do you think about James Bond? He’s shit, isn’t he?

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Larry Teabag said...

Yes, shit.

Misssy M said...

I used to love old Roger Moore Bond when I was a a kid, but I now just cannot be arsed with it. I hate the explosions, the car chases, the knobbing, the nonsense. But I have to go and see it this week and review it on the station.

If I don't I'll probably get the boot- but I just know I'm going to have to force myself to say anything good about which is annoying because I know most people will LOVE it.

And I can't stand the Daniel Craig lip purse Bond acting style. That's the new Moore eyebrow isn't it? Shame, because he's good in everything else he's done- especially the titanic Our Friends in the North.

iLL Man said...

I like the old Roger Moore ones because they're so patently played for laughs. They're like Carry On films with car chases.

The new stuff is ghastly

Lainey said...

Yeah, he is a bit shit. Daniel Craig reminds me of a stroppy toddler. At least Pierce had a bit more of a cheeky grin on him as if he just thought of a silly joke that no-one else would find amusing.

Aaaanyway - I'm from Glasgow and there are very few crazies on the streets of the Weege. They must all have migrated south. Ha! Score one for Scotland.

This is my first comment on your blog. I do like it. Your blog, that is. Not my comment.

Anonymous said...

Bonjour La Bête,
I didn't know there is a new James Bond out. Either it's not out in France yet, or I'm a miserable git living in a hole.
I only like Sean Connery as Bond. They should have stopped all this a long time ago.
Good luck in Burnley.
Uncle Did

Anonymous said...

Sean Connery is the only Bond... Moore is my 2nd fave.

Daniel Craig is a different take on Bond- for better or worse. I feel that these films are very different from what we've come to expect from the franchise. They are a bit grittier and the action is more thought out- not just hot babes and explosions.

I think these new films have the promise to add more substance to James Bond; to give us more insight into what makes him tick. Into transforming him from a simple caricature to someone a little more real. LIke what was done with the Batman series.

The worst films, were heaped upon us by Brosnin- not that his protrayal of Bond was so bad- I think he actually fit the books description of the agent much better. It's just that the films were silly and too much and filled with exactly what Missy M called nonsense.

Most action films don't appeal to people, I get it- but they appeal to me- so I'm actually very happy that the new Bond is coming out.

Anonymous said...

P.S. Have you seen the movie Hitman??

Olga is in it and she is wearing a thong and only a thong for about 85% of her scenes in the movie...I think she was also topless in Max Payne- She's a very, very, talented actress. You're welcome!

However-Max Payne, makes all the Bond movies look like-cinema gold! So, if you want to appreciate the Bond movies- I reccommend you see it (if you hate your eyes that much.)

LOL- my word verification is:

"topimp", indeed

Anonymous said...

Ogling at Olga
What a stunna!
Stunner's stunner!
some might say (wink, wink)

Sean Connery films were okay
The rest where shaiter than shaite
Until Daniel Craig got it right

Charisma-less he may be
But Casino Royale you must see!

Studying in Glasgow by the way
Moving down south one day

To repay a life long debt,
Maybe I'll see ya around
La Bete! (wink, wink)


Anonymous said...

how can so many different men play one stupid (yes, stupid indeed) character. so overdone, so unnecessary. want some action? watch 24. much better stuff.

Anonymous said...

I'm 34 and I have never seen a Bond film. I don't intend to start now, either. I'd rather watch mould form.

Cat said...

Gosh, I really thought it was just me who hated Bond. Who knew there were so many other loathers out there? I recall being taken to see Octopussy in the cinema as a child, and sleeping through it.

I also hate Star Wars.

Anonymous said...

Olga's blog, eh? Tedium.

Bond... hmmm. Seems to have lost the plot. I always thought the movies were supposed to be amusing and over the top, with a naughty wink added for good measure.

They're taking it too seriously. Daniel Craig is fab, but not as bond. The last Bond movie that had any of the old appeal was Golden Eye, IMO.

Miss Snuffleupagus said...

Daniel Craig lacks charisma and is the opposite of suave, but here's my thing: Ian Fleming's James Bond wasn't blonde, so no, I don't get the Aryan Bond concept at all. Sean Connery was the best James Bond. I didn't think Pierce Brosnan terrible.
The other thing that gets me is the way they're trying to make Bond politically correct, which runs contrary to the character. I realize they're trying to 'get into the present', but their plots are in the freaking past, with references to the Soviet Union. Um, hello Barbs (Broccoli) we're in the 21st Century for christ's sake.
I don't think Daniel Craig actually 'gets' Bond as a character, and no, I've seem plenty of men on the beach. I'm going to wait for Quantum of Solace to come out on DVD. I was disappointed with Casino Royale. It sucked tremendously, and only raked in profits because of a 'new' James Bond. It was a crap film, as crappy as On Her Majesty's Service, plot wise.

Lily Lane said...

New Zealand is so far behind that I had absolutely no idea there was a Bond movie coming out. Poor little New Zealand. Thank god I'm getting out of here soon.

Anonymous said...

"teasing the muck from a deadman's sack"

thank you. i have a new hobby.

Anonymous said...

That BondGirl (TM) blog link's an odd one.

Clearly faked and part of some corporate Ford Ka nonsense but if when it is faked up by [insert agency name here although I reckon it's Imagination with such a prominent Ford connection] why...

a) is it so badly written
b) does it post entries about her filming 2 weeks ago when *everyone* knows the films been in the can for months and months.
c) contain so few entries

This is so laughable it could go viral in a way that was never intended.

Some Chilean Woman said...

Never seen it..I am THAT I missing out? Ha ha.

Mina McKay said...

Im not a big fan of Bond, but I did buy Casino Royal because Mads Mikkelsen is hot...>>

Our Glamorous Heroine said...

This post was far too funny. I am currently battling with a recalcitrant wisdom tooth and it causes me immense discomfort to smile. You bastard.

As for James Bond, I should really like him. He's all louche and suit-wearing, hard drinking and (apparently in the books) chain smoking, which is the stuff of fantasies to me. Yet I find all of the films immeasurably tedious, which is a shame. Except the torture scene in the last one which I found faintly arousing but that's not a reaction I want to give too much thought to. So yeah, shit.

I feel I might have, once again, overshared. Blame it on too much Bonjela. I hope everything goes all right in Burnley.

Non Je Ne Regrette Rien said...

that olga chick looks like she's hiding a dirty little secret.

i've never actually watched a bond film in its entirety ... never in a theatre, but sometimes on tv i've hopped in to look at the hot girls ... and then clicked off for green pastures. sean connery seemed an arrogant prick and after that ... well, never really understood the appeal.

sounding like your old self in this post, dear beast.

Anonymous said...

I've never liked James Bond. Jaffa cakes in any guise are welcome to darken my door

Catofstripes said...

I wasn't going to say anything at all, I quite like James Bond, any incarnation when pissed out of my skull. And that's how I usually watch it.

However, the captcha was gratorr and I just had to do it.

Heidi said...

Congrats on the job you think you might have! Hope it works out for you.

Shimacat said...

Well, just to be contrary, and because I've had a day from hell - now it's 8pm and I'm about to do the work emails I didn't get round to today because I was constantly interrupted by fools and ignoramuses - I like Daniel Craig as Bond. I've not read the books. I don't care if Bond wasn't blond. Daniel Craig is the stunner's stunner. Sex on legs. Ha!

La Bête said...

Thanks, Larry. Thought so.

Misssy M, it is your duty to lambast the hell out of it and tell all your listeners that they are featherheads.

I don’t like Carry On films either, Ill Man.

I like your comment, Lainey. Hello!

Hey, Uncle Did. Sean Connery hits women.

Oh, Selena. I will look out for Hitman. It sounds like a quality film.

KK, are you threatening me? Or have you just got something in your eye?

Yes, Lauren. I never really got on the 24 boat though, and now that there are 75 seasons, I don’t think I have the time really.

Hurray, Sarah! You win the prize. It’s a pen that shoots poison arrows and turns into a speedboat at the push of a button.

Steady, Cat. Star Wars is a classic.

Don’t knock Olga, Saffy. She’s a genius.

Snuffy, I see that you’re a fan. In fact, I sense a fandom so great in you that I bet you end up going to the cinema to see QoS. I bet you do.

NZ sounds great to me, LL.

Daisy, you’re welcome.

Hey Charles, I think it’s just a bit too dull to be of general interest though, isn’t it? Like Fearne Cotton’s blog, which I stumbled across yesterday. Shudder.

Chile sounds better all the time to me too. Oo eez ziss Shems Von?

You see, I’m not sure I’m prepared to go and see a film I know I’ll hate just because I can sit ogling someone throughout. Although if I am, QoS is definitely the one to see. Hmmm….

You find torture arousing, OGH? Crikey. I know some websites you might be interested in. But I suspect you’re already aware of them yourself.

Thanks, Little Sparra, Zoe, Cat and Heidi!

Shimacat – but he looks like the side of a cliff! Sheesh, you ladies. I just don’t get you.

Anonymous said...

Yep, Bond is very dull, as is Craig - did you see him on Jonathan Ross? Absolutely no charisma whatsoever. Thing is, his body is RIPPED. I certainly wouldn't kick him out of bed for dropping crumbs. Fuck me.