Friday, 3 October 2008

The Morag Situation #5 :: Have you ever been in love?

Seven weeks ago…

Morag: So have you ever been in love?

Scat: I’m not really sure.

Morag: If you’re not sure, then you probably haven’t.
I know it’s a bit of a cliché, but when it happens, you know.
You know?

Scat: Oh, I didn’t realize it was that simple. In that case, yes. Yes, I have.

Morag: Really?

Scat: Yes.

Morag: Who with?

Scat: Just some chick.

Morag: Stan.

Scat: Yes, babe?

Morag: Don’t be a jerk.

Scat: I’m not really, I just… OK, what do you want to know?

Morag: Well, what was her name?

Scat: Her name was Zuhal.

Morag: Zuhal?

Scat: Zuhal.

Morag: That’s an unusual name.

Scat: She was an unusual girl.

Morag: Where did you meet her?

Scat: I met her at the candy store.
No, just kidding.
I met her at Glastonbury a few summers ago. She was selling toffee apples to help disadvantaged kittens or somesuch.
I bought all of them.
50 toffee apples.
Then we went round the kiddies’ area together giving them away to little children.

Morag: Awww. That’s lovely, Stan.

Scat: Oh God, I’m sorry. Please say you didn’t believe me.

Morag: Oh you shit. Of course I believed you. Who would make up such a thing?

Scat: Oh come on, disadvantaged kittens?

Morag: I didn’t necessarily believe that bit, but the rest seemed plausible.

Scat: Sorry.
I actually met Zuhal on a film set. We were both extras on The Passion of the Christ.

Morag: Oh COCK OFF!!!
I’m never going to believe another word you say.

Scat: Our first date was entirely in Latin.

Morag: Does she even exist at all in fact?

Scat: No.
And I’ve never been to Glastonbury.

Morag: Unbelievable.

Scat: Sorry.

Morag: So you haven’t been in love then?

Scat: I think I have. I mean, I’ve suffered all the symptoms. I’ve vomited and wept and gone to sleep and woke up feeling completely obsessed with someone, but it’s never necessarily been reciprocated.
Basically if there’s more to love than vomiting and pain, then no, I probably haven’t.

Morag: Aww.

Scat: What about you?
Have you ever been in love?

Morag: Yeah, twice I think.

Scat: When you’ve been in love, you don’t think. You KNOW.

Morag: Oh yeah. Twice then.

Scat: Once with Ollie. And…?

Morag: A guy called Duke.

Scat: Duke? Like Mussolini? Il Duce?

Morag: I guess.

Scat: Was he like Mussolini in other ways?

Morag: I don’t know much about Mussolini to be honest.
Did Mussolini drive a Nissan Micra?

Scat: Yes.

Morag: Did he have Celtic tattoos all over his arms and neck?

Scat: I believe he did, yes.

Morag: Did Mussolini have flesh panels?

Scat: Panels of flesh?

Morag: Flesh panels are those discs that go in people’s ear lobes and stretch them out.
That's what he called them anyway. The internet doesn't seem to agree.

Scat: Oh God, so that there’s just a big hoop of skin dangling down when they take them out?

Morag: Typical.

Scat: Like a broken condom?

Morag: Yes, those.

Scat: Yeah, yeah, Mussolini had flesh panels.

Morag: Then yes. He was very like Mussolini.

Scat: What was it you loved about Mussolini then?

Morag: I think it was more what he represented. He was much older than me and – potentially at least – much wiser. I was only 17 when we started seeing each other and we were together for like, five years.

Scat: God, that’s a long time.

Morag: Then I found out he was seeing not one other person, but about half a dozen other people most of the time we were together. He didn’t treat me very well. But he was like an outlaw, you know?

Scat: In a Nissan Micra?

Morag: Yeah, he used to do graffiti. He wasn’t very good actually, but he was brave. You would see his name in some very hard to get to places.

Scat: Duke?

Morag: Yeah.

Scat: He sounds like a dick.

Morag: He was a dick. But for a while there, I loved him.
I was consumed by him.
Love is blind.

Scat: I’ve always taken solace from that.

Morag: I love your back.

Scat: I’m sorry?

Morag: Your back. I want to bite it.

Scat: Oh come on, my back is vile. It’s all flaccid skin and stretchmarks.

Morag: I like it.

Scat: You loved it a second ago. Had you forgotten about the stretchmarks?

Morag: No. I do love it. And I love your hands.

Scat: My hands are nice. I’ll give you that.

Morag: Thank you.

Scat: I’ve always thought that if Jesus was real, He’d have hands pretty much like mine.

Morag: Um…

Scat: Shall I tell you what I like about you?

Morag: OK then.

Scat: I like the way the skin on the inner walls of your thighs is like the smoothest, softest thing in the universe. Like warm mercury wrapped in the skin from angels’ wings.

Morag: Um…

Scat: Like the skin on the rice pudding of the gods.
OK, I like the dark curls on the nape of your neck, I like how your skin tingles when I kiss you there.
I love the small of your back and the swell of your hips and the rise and fall of your belly when you sleep.
I love your breasts, and I love your hair, and I love your eyes and your lips and your sharp ways.

Morag: You’ve been watching me sleep?
What sharp ways?

Scat: A bit.
You know.

Morag: You mean my tongue?

Scat: Yes. I love the sharpness of your tongue.
Even if it hurts.
Maybe even because it hurts. I’m weird like that.

Morag: You’re using the L-word a lot.

Scat: No biggie. I love cats and baked potatoes and Chai Steamers too.

Morag: You didn’t know what a Chai Steamer was till last week.

Scat: I know! I’ve so much to thank you for.

Morag: You’re funny.
You make me laugh.

Scat: What am I, a clown? I’m here to amuse you?

Morag: No, you know, the way you tell the story and everything.

Scat: Awww.
Are you sure we should be chatting so much, what with us just being fuck buddies and all?

Morag: I don’t think there are any rules, are there?

Stan: I guess not.
Or at least if there are I don’t know them.

Morag: Me neither.
Are you coming down this weekend then?

Stan: Try and stop me.

Morag: I don’t want to stop you.
I want your hands in my muff.

Stan: …
There is no emoticon for what I’m feeling right now.
I can’t believe my luck.

Morag: Believe it.

Stan: OK.

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Misssy M said...

Right that's it. Get in the car to Morag's, burst in, kick Jesus's ass and tell her you love her.

Carnalis said...

damn it, but i think you might make me cry soon

Catofstripes said...

Stan, stop doing this to yourself...

Anonymous said...

Don't go to Brighton. She's highly manipulative and you're lonely. It's a killer combo.

Anonymous said...

like a roller coaster, isn't it?

i'm not sure if i've been in love because i've got a pesky habit of "revisionist emotional history". sometimes it helps...

Anonymous said...

I didn't really have any opinion of Morag until she said;

....we were together for like, five years.

Now I do have like, an opinion of her.

It's not a good one.

Anonymous said...

"Now I do have like, an opinion of her."

LOL, that's hilarious. Out of all the things you could have picked up on, you're writing her off because of a linguistic tick shared by a massive proportion of English speakers? That's, like, one of the most extreme examples of linguistic snobbery I've ever come across. Kudos to you. You are very silly.

Anonymous said...

You know what, this whole series of blog posts is just another set in the tennis match of your relationship, isn't it? Another roundabout way of not-quite-communicating with Morag, and hopefully making her sweat in the process? Have you ever thought about having a proper conversation with her, in person? Where you tell her that you really like her and you were hurt when she only wanted to be fuck buddies, and hurt when she talked about shagging other people, and hurt when she told you about Christ, but you actually rather like her and aren't really cut out for the whole fuck-buddy thing (which, in fact, most people aren't)?

Ah well, whatever. The whole miscommunication an game-playing thing takes two. On the scant evidence of these few posts, I'd say you two don't have much chance of getting anywhere. Doesn't mean you'd be the same with someone else though. Each relationship is a unique combination of two unique people, and individuals can behave very differently in different relationships.

Really though, if these posts are representative of your relationship with Morag, try not to be so flippant and evasive next time you get in a relationship. You might be surprised. Otherwise you're just in a vicious spiral: You're trying to avoid getting hurt by not exposing yourself to pain or ridicule, and the irony is you probably get more hurt as a result.

Argh. You and your comment whoring. I'm trying so hard not to get drawn into making pronouncements on two people I know so very little about, but I just can't help myself...

Alex B said...

"Scat: Awww.
Are you sure we should be chatting so much, what with us just being fuck buddies and all?

Morag: I don’t think there are any rules, are there?"

There are ALWAYS rules for fuck buddying!!! Last time a friend and I were doing it we had the following rules -

1. Don't fall in love, you're not my girlfriend/boyfriend for a reason

2. Always use protection

3. Stop if you feel that you're falling for someone else

4. Be honest at all times

These rules worked well for us and my former fuck buddy is going to be a guest at my wedding in May

Anonymous said...

Umm -I'd just like to say Fuck Buddies have rules and this should have been stated from the get go. Rules that I think are pretty obvious. I think this was the 1st point where things went wrong.

Fuck Buddies are friends who have sex, but are not in at all romantically interested in one another. As opposed to, "Booty Calls"- which are just about sex with no friendship at all.

THE WORD LOVE is definitely never ever used in connection with any part of the other person. E.g. I love your hands; I love your back. Those are big No-Nos.

However, you can use the word love when referring to anything and everything else, but your fuck buddy. I.e. I love Bacon; I love Books; I love the smell of the earth after it rains.

Awwwe Stan- I'm sorry- it seems like 7 weeks ago things were already becoming more murky and hard to define.

I think you two had a very circuitous way of talking about your feelings and never actually got to the point of honesty- problem #2.

Just reading through this exchange makes me believe that we are all crazy. Hey, I can admit when I see the crazy switch being turned on-as I am a proud owner of one myself. Oh and by Crazy- I mean to lean towards the insecure side-not the boiling rabbits side.

"Have you ever been in love?"= I want to know how you feel about me?

"but it’s never necessarily been reciprocated. Basically if there’s more to love than vomiting and pain, then no, I probably haven’t."= I have an I have never had it returned, I'm hurt and scared of being hurt again; remember when you denied me?

"Yeah, twice I think."= Once for sure and I'm unsure of how I feel about you... I think it could turn out to be something if we gave it a go, but I am scared to outright ask for more, because I know I hurt you and you might still be a little bitter.

"Morag: I love your back."- WTF? um... ok.... this equals- I want something more- but I'm too afraid to say it, so instead I will lavish you with compliments and hope that they are returned

"Morag: No. I do love it. And I love your hands."= Come on, I'm giving you the signal-please give me a hint that you have feelings for me

*warning*: a tangent is about to take place

Flesh Panels?? It's Flesh Tunnel. We just call them plain old plug(short for ear plug) over her in the U.S.-but they have various other names, too. They are also known as a gauge, earlet or eyelet.

A flesh tunnel actually refers to the particular jewelry used to fit in the pierced & stretched hole in your ear; as does the term Plug. A Flesh Tunnel, is what I equate to the rim of a tire- but for your ear. A Plug is, just that, a solid plug to fill the hole in your ear. The term Gauge actually refers to the size of the Plug; they all have become synonymous with the body piercing itself.

"I like the dark curls on the nape of your neck, I like how your skin tingles when I kiss you there.
I love the small of your back and the swell of your hips and the rise and fall of your belly when you sleep.
I love your breasts, and I love your hair, and I love your eyes and your lips and your sharp ways"= I love you (and awwwwe- Dang you Stan!!! I think I just spontaneously ovulated- because that was sooo sweet- MORAG- WASN'T THAT FRICKING AMAZING- WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?!!)

"Morag: You’re using the L-word a lot."= I want you to say you love me first.

"Scat: No biggie. I love cats and baked potatoes and Chai Steamers too."= I'm not going to say I love you first, I already said I wanted more before, now it's your turn.

"Morag: You’re funny.
You make me laugh."= I really want you to tell me first

"Scat: Awww.
Are you sure we should be chatting so much, what with us just being fuck buddies and all?"= Are you sure you don't want to tell me you want something more?

"Are you coming down this weekend then?"= ok, if you can't say it, and I can't say it, then for now I'll settle for you company this weekend, maybe you'll say it there-after we have sex.


Anonymous said...

By the way, Bete, I do like your Pulp Fiction method of, like, monkeying around with the time frames of your email exchanges, but it seems to have been lost on a lot of your readers.

Clare - yes, I am a silly thing, but I just can't help it. I imagine Morag also has that staggeringly irritating habit of finishing her statements with an upward inflection, thereby making everything she says sound like a question. And she lives in Brighton - the spiritual home of faux bohemians & pretentious art students. So now I've got 3 reasons to be dismissive of her. Each one more ridiculous than the last.

Bete - Don't forget to do your stretches?

Larry Teabag said...

that staggeringly irritating habit of finishing her statements with an upward inflection, thereby making everything she says sound like a question

"Australian Question Intonation" as Stephen Fry named it.

Anonymous said...

"Australian Question Intonation" as Stephen Fry named it.

I also think this is also common with Italian.

Anonymous said...

Selena hit the nail right on its big hard head

Anonymous said...

I thought you were a MAN.

What are you waiting for?
Go, tell her how you feel.

What if she tells you she feels the same?

Cmon, I know you are brave enough!

By the way: you two sound like so sweet people. And also so scarred and hurt.

Thanks for sharing those bits of conversations. And stop being afraid, isnt of any use.

Greatings from La Palma,

Anonymous said...

"By the way, Bete, I do like your Pulp Fiction method of, like, monkeying around with the time frames of your email exchanges, but it seems to have been lost on a lot of your readers."

You would think the headings- Like 7 weeks ago, last week, etc.- would, like, help(?)

I want to cut and paste the posts together in chronological order so that people can stop being so confused.

Eloise said...

Ouch. This is so painful to read.

I don't know what to say, but clare = teh awesome. Listen to her. And selena.

The thing about fuck buddies though... I dunno, on one side you've got sex in a loving relationship, and on the other you've got friends-with-benefits sex with strictly no love (which I agree requires boundaries if it's to be sustained, and most people don't seem to be able to do it without getting hurt), but there's lots of things in between. I reckon sometimes you make love with someone you care about or love (but aren't in love with, or who isn't in love with you, or who you can't be with, or who you don't want to be with in the long term...) and it's a painful mistake, sometimes it's painful but worth it, and sometimes it's just good. And then sometimes it's hard to know whether things were mistakes or not. And these situations are fluid. People are complicated and, though it seems like you'd have avoided so much hurt if you could both have communicated better, I don't think you should beat yourself up for not sticking to the 'rules'.

Also, I'm a twat but you did mean that her tongue is sharp metaphorically, right? Not that it literally hurts? Cos that image kind of troubled me.

You're lovely, bete, you'll figure it out. Hugs.

Anonymous said...

I didn't even know 'fuck buddies' existed in real life. I thought they were just in films like airport chases. Still judging by how this turned out I won't be rushing out to get one.

And how many people have to tell you that you're too good for her before you believe it? I doubt very highly that you're as ugly as you think you are and girls like this really aren't helping.

Mrs. Hall said...

Again, genitals are directly attached to the heart. There was no way you could make love to her without falling in love with her.

Unless you were an asshole. Which you are not.

And some day, dear Stan, I truly believe you will have a girl to fill your love with. And when you say breathtaking things about her hair and her thighs, those things will be eating up like chocolate.

The Mrs. Hall

Anonymous said...

It's easy sometimes to write beautiful words, and easy to be fooled by, and to fool with them. Easy to hide behind, too. Certainly, they are sweet on the ear, and make many a heart trip and miss a beat, but action - what is done and what fails to get done - is ultimately what determines the worth of a relationship for me. Good luck.

Anonymous said...

and yes, I realise my good luck means that it may seem I am not aware of the pulp fiction mash up, but I think I mean, good luck in general with sorting out the whole kit and caboodle of relationships, or of this one in particular.

Anonymous said...

I think most people got that these posts were out of order, but are still moved by what was said seven weeks ago and think it has a bearing on what happens now.

Anonymous said...

This is supposed to be "a guide to life, love, and happiness"? Bete, the way things stand now, I wouldn't trust you to guide me out of a paper bag. Also, I'm afraid you are not as beautiful and good on the inside as you seem to think (though if it is any consolation, I don't think you are as ugly as you believe on the outside)

Anonymous said...

Morag loves Bete and wishes he
would tell her how he feels, she thinks he's had enough time to think...

Anonymous said...

Morag, should call him and tell him that :-)

Anonymous said...

But what if she doesn't at all? What if she just enjoyed the attention and didn't feel she was getting enough of it? That's the problem with these comments boxes... too easy for everyone to shape the story to fit their own needs.

Anonymous said...

Can I help you scientificaly Bate I don't speak the Queens English very well I apoligise in advance for that. You see there appears to be a blockage at the recieving dentrite the former dentrite has recieved the + charged sodium ions through the molecular gates the ions have passed through the channels of the cell membrane reaching the nucleus, the nucleus transmits an electrical action impulse along the highly myelinated axon for a faster response, the chemicals are released from the synaptic terminals or terminal butons as they are formally known, but the molecular gates on the receiving neurone are shut. Thus resulting in a weak threshold, a lack of chemical and electrical communication. In neuronal terms the principle is the All or None law, Furthermore once the nurone is activated it always responds 100%. Have courage Bate you have nothing to be insecure about, and good luck we all hope Morag responds + you are a good man and you deserve to be happy, and get rid of the paper bag you don't need it.x

La Bête said...

At last. Something I can understand. Thanks, Anonymous.

Anonymous said...


Catofstripes said...

I'm beginning to feel like a bit of a stalker. Just have to keep coming back to see what the latest is.

Bête, give us a post, sweetheart. About anything, certainly not this if you'd rather not, but anything, just so I can get on with the day.

Anonymous said...

Ha. Me too.

BenefitScroungingScum said...

Oh I'm soo confused. And, unlike Carnalis already weeping. BG

Anonymous said...

Isn't it Dendrite?

Dentrite sounds like a bad tasting flavor of gum.

Anonymous said...

A dentrite is part of a nerve cell, unlike dentine, aniseed flavoured chewing gum, the ions are the messages.+ The purpose of the neurons are to send and receive messages. Do you get it now.+

Anonymous said...

Sweet Anon- I get it, but maybe you didn't understand my nudge in the right direction.

What I am trying to say is- I'm pretty sure the word, "dentrite", doesn't exist. At least, as I remember it from Biology class, it is supposed to be spelled DENDRITE.

This is not to say that I am a biology expert or that I would even be able to pass a round of Celebrity Jeopardy with my limited knowledge on the subject. It's just one of the few words that I am pretty sure that I know of.

It's official-Dendrite:

- is the word that you are looking for:

A branching "extension of a nerve cell that conducts impulses from adjacent cells inward toward the cell body"

The word Dentrite is not online or in any medical dictionary- but would in my estimation make a suitable name for a competitor to Dentyne

Anonymous said...

Now thats seriously funny. lol x

Unknown said...

"Barely comprehensible pretentious garbage written by a hypocritical phoney who lived his whole life as a lie."

I told you that MONTHS ago!

Panda said...


You know you're good. You're so good you make me hate the way I write. You are archingly and achingly right in the way you write.

But for fuck's sake.

Forget this woman.


And, it will happen.

PS Sudders, you hit the nail on it x

Unknown said...

You are bloody GORGEOUS Panda!