Monday, 16 June 2008

Miscellany Monday :: Masturbation Actually

1. Masturbation

So. A couple of days ago I received an email asking me if I wanted to exchange links with a site called, rather bluntly, Masturbators. This is a blog in which one young man shares his opinions on various products designed to aid masturbation, such as the Black Orchid, the Sue Johanson Head Honcho or, of course, the Fleshlight.

Most intriguing and, it has to be said, repulsive of all is the ‘Kobe Tai Realistic Ass’.

At first I assumed that this must be one of those consumer blogs I’d heard about, where people are paid a pittance to review various products. As this is something I would very much enjoy doing, I wrote to the Masturbator man, whose name is Olesea, and quizzed him. Turns out it isn’t a consumer blog at all, and he is merely writing about his favourite hobby for pleasure, something to which he is clearly dedicated. Indeed, you have to marvel at Olesea’s dedication. Even during my most fervent self-pleasuring days – back when I came across the internet in my late teens – I was never so obsessed as to consider actually writing about it. Mind you, I was never particularly into toys. I was a wanking purist. Lesbian porn only.

Having bigged up his dedication, I should probably point out that Olesea has only managed one post a month since February. Presumably the rest of the time, he’s too busy sitting in his room, pounding away.

It’s easy to look down on Masturbators but at least Olesea is attempting to add a little romance to masturbation, buying himself gifts before going in for the kill. And some of his reviews are really quite sweet. For example, of the Kobe Tai realistic ass, he writes, ‘Reality has never felt so good!’

And I thought I needed to get out more.

None of this is written with any disrespect intended toward the Olesea by the way. I’m sure he’s a very nice young man. Just not one I particularly want to shake hands with.

2. Fitness

This morning I got out of bed at 6.45 and went for a run for the first time in quite a while. I wore headphones for the first time and listened to Rodrigo and Gabriela. That’s right. I am rather hip.

And Gabriela is lovely. Imagine what she could do with those hands. Eh, Olesea? Eh?

3. Chiropractic

I was pleased to discover that running this morning didn’t seem to aggravate my back any further, but it’s generally still a bit ruined and I really should see someone about it, so… does anyone have a chiropractor they could recommend?

4. Chiropody

Speaking of physical self-improvement, my feet are an absolute disgrace. I shall tell you about them in more detail soon, and you will retch. So I have another question. Have any of you ever had any chiropody? And if so, could you recommend a foot person to me?

5. Film

I was most amused by this review of The Incredible Hulk in the Guardian this week. Equally scathing is Bradshaw’s verdict on Priceless, but I might go and see that anyway because I am very much in love with Audrey Tautou. In fact, I dedicate this post to her. No doubt she will be thrilled.

6. Art

Artist-in-residence Keith has drawn a very strange thing. I really like it. But I’m not sure why.

See you tomorrow!

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Glamourpuss said...

Your masturbator fellow emailed me, too. I declined the offer.

I know an amazing sports masseur in London and an amazing osteopath in Kent. If you want details, email me.

Tatou is hot - I'd do her.


Larry Teabag said...

Yup, me too. I expect I'll add a link if you say he's an enthusiastic amateur, rather than a corporate wanker.

Anonymous said...


Ann Anon.

La Bête said...

Yeah, I think the masturbator emailed everyone. But he's definitely a lone wanker. Or so he claims.

Pearl said...

He hasn't emailed me! Also, you have my greatest sympathy about your feet. I went to see the doctor about my Crap Foot this morning (I smashed it up falling off a ladder last summer) and he prodded it a lot and said there's not a lot he can do, but I should carry on running. His prodding made it ache for the rest of the day. And now I've told a complete stranger all about my foot. Excellent.

Michael said...

She's after getting too skinny.
I'm looking forward to her Coco Chanel though; she's a heck of an actor.
Also, Peter Bradshaw is a talentless hack who wouldn't know cinema if it spunked in his face.

Selena said...

Regardless, as to whether or not Peter Bradshaw would recognize if there were spunk, skeet or what have you on his face his review is darn funny.

Thanks for posting it- it made my morning!

And I loved Audrey Tautou in Amélie, not so much in The Da Vinci code. However that is not so much her fault as it is the movie overall bag of, well- you know.

BenefitScroungingScum said...

I feel so left out, no email from madly masturbating man for me, and it's quite the theme at times on my blog. Bendy Girl

Tim Footman said...

Audrey Tautou.

Oh yes.

Very much so.

Je ne regrette rien said...

mister mastur graced me with an invite too...but so far I don't have a sexitup section so ... told him to jerk off.

Anonymous said...

If your mate K wants more comments, he should enable anon to give his opinion.

Backs usually get better in time even if you have no treatment, but in any case I thought it was now generally agreed that exercise was better for them than lying down doing nothing - unless you do something that aggravates the part that's giving the pain.

Chiropractors are a bit like faith healers - if you believe in them they might do some good, but then again they might not. If you really think it might be serious, it's better to get it X-rayed first before you let anyone mess with it.

DJ Kirkby said...

A very strange drawing indeed... hope Mr Masturbator doesn't email me. I'd have to 'tut' at him in my most maternal tone.

Swineshead said...

I thought that Hulk review was as lazy as they come... Peter Bradshaw liked Juno - meaning he, Mark Kermode and Philip French should all be rounded up and flogged. Yes - Flogged.

Anonymous said...

I used to go to the Robi guy in Kentish Town. Don't know where you are.

La Bête said...

Pearl, your foot sounds nasty. Good luck with that.

Michael, is she after getting too skinny? I do hope not. I really can’t stand the skin and bones look that is so fashionable at the moment. Makes me honk. You can talk bad about Bradshaw if you wish however. Although that Hulk review made me chortle. So to hell with you. At least Selena appreciated it.

My pleasure, Selena. Bag of shite, that Da Vinci nonsense. Bag of shite.

Why don’t you email him, Bendy Girl? Tell him you’ve been thinking about him.

Yes, Tim. Yes indeed.

Sparra, you probably made his day.

Anon, are chiropractors a little like faith healers? Are you suggesting I might as well go and see a homeopath?

DJ… tut.

Swineshead, I think you may have watched one too many episode of EastEnders and quite simply lost your mind.

Thanks, Pleite. I’m in South East London but I’m prepared to hop on a bus or two to get healed. I’ll check it out. Thanks again!

Lauren said...

woohoo!! a run! I bet it felt great!

make sure to drink tons of water, you'll probably be extra sore since its been a while.

some people swear by 1/2 tsp. baking soda in 4 oz. of water immediately after exercise to reduce lactic acid build-up

but on the whole: drink drink drink!

and let me know how the chiropodist works out!

Anonymous said...

Yes. Although I wouldn't advise it unless it's free. (my comments come from having had a bad back myself - from time to time - but never that seriously bad). I'm not a qualified back advisor and there are obviously lots of different reasons for bad backs - so don't sue me if you believe anything I write and never walk again.

Swineshead said...

I haven't lost my mind. I'm certain of the location of my mind.

I'm not the one with an FAQ area on his website - that's the sign of a madman.

Watching Eastenders makes a man mad? What rot. Snob.

Michael said...

I watched her being interviewed by Adam Bolton while I was puking my guts up in the Dublin Hilton on Sunday morning. She looked very gaunt.
It was a depressing experience.

Acceptable said...

You're in south east london? I hadn't realised!

I used to go to a Chiropractor in Lee ( most of those results relate to it) and they were brilliant. They scanned my back and showed me stresses and it hlped a huge amount. Hurts a bit when they do it, but feels so much better the next day.

La Bête said...

Swineshead. I am a snob, you’re right.

Michael. Puking your guts up in the Dublin Hilton on a Sunday morning, eh? Are you a rock star? Are you?

Acceptable, thank you for that. I’m checking it out now. Update your blog!