Miscellany Monday :: Masturbation Actually

1. Masturbation

So. A couple of days ago I received an email asking me if I wanted to exchange links with a site called, rather bluntly, Masturbators. This is a blog in which one young man shares his opinions on various products designed to aid masturbation, such as the Black Orchid, the Sue Johanson Head Honcho or, of course, the Fleshlight.

Most intriguing and, it has to be said, repulsive of all is the ‘Kobe Tai Realistic Ass’.

At first I assumed that this must be one of those consumer blogs I’d heard about, where people are paid a pittance to review various products. As this is something I would very much enjoy doing, I wrote to the Masturbator man, whose name is Olesea, and quizzed him. Turns out it isn’t a consumer blog at all, and he is merely writing about his favourite hobby for pleasure, something to which he is clearly dedicated. Indeed, you have to marvel at Olesea’s dedication. Even during my most fervent self-pleasuring days – back when I came across the internet in my late teens – I was never so obsessed as to consider actually writing about it. Mind you, I was never particularly into toys. I was a wanking purist. Lesbian porn only.

Having bigged up his dedication, I should probably point out that Olesea has only managed one post a month since February. Presumably the rest of the time, he’s too busy sitting in his room, pounding away.

It’s easy to look down on Masturbators but at least Olesea is attempting to add a little romance to masturbation, buying himself gifts before going in for the kill. And some of his reviews are really quite sweet. For example, of the Kobe Tai realistic ass, he writes, ‘Reality has never felt so good!’

And I thought I needed to get out more.

None of this is written with any disrespect intended toward the Olesea by the way. I’m sure he’s a very nice young man. Just not one I particularly want to shake hands with.

2. Fitness

This morning I got out of bed at 6.45 and went for a run for the first time in quite a while. I wore headphones for the first time and listened to Rodrigo and Gabriela. That’s right. I am rather hip.

And Gabriela is lovely. Imagine what she could do with those hands. Eh, Olesea? Eh?



3. Chiropractic

I was pleased to discover that running this morning didn’t seem to aggravate my back any further, but it’s generally still a bit ruined and I really should see someone about it, so… does anyone have a chiropractor they could recommend?

4. Chiropody

Speaking of physical self-improvement, my feet are an absolute disgrace. I shall tell you about them in more detail soon, and you will retch. So I have another question. Have any of you ever had any chiropody? And if so, could you recommend a foot person to me?

5. Film

I was most amused by this review of The Incredible Hulk in the Guardian this week. Equally scathing is Bradshaw’s verdict on Priceless, but I might go and see that anyway because I am very much in love with Audrey Tautou. In fact, I dedicate this post to her. No doubt she will be thrilled.

6. Art

Artist-in-residence Keith has drawn a very strange thing. I really like it. But I’m not sure why.

See you tomorrow!