Wednesday, 17 June 2009

‘Any Woman Is An Enormous Fear Barrier…’ What the…?

This is very weird. I seem to make a lot of noises that are not exactly words. Anyway, here it is here...

Jesus.

What the fuck is ‘late to mid twenties’ when it’s at home?

Anyway, even taking into account my ridiculous levels of embarrassment, I think that went quite well. Unlike the one I’ve just done with Matt Cooper for Today FM. I didn’t enjoy that at all.

You know in Jerry Maguire, when Cuba Gooding’s character is being interviewed by the guy famous for making his guests cry? You remember that? ‘Your father leaves home on Christmas Eve. Your mother had to sweep up to pay your tuition. Your brother lost a leg. You've had a pretty horrific life.’ ‘I’m not gonna cry, Roy.’ Well, this Matt fellow was going in that direction, and the absolute last thing I want is to be on the radio weeping about having a fucked-up childhood. It’s one thing to write it down, quite another to be expected to talk about it. Probably the reason I wanted to write it down in the first place was because I’m no good at talking about it. So I was immediately on the defensive and not enjoying myself. Which meant that I was babbling and stuttering and wandering around and getting breathless. Then he started suggesting that maybe I’m not ugly at all and it’s all a gimmick to sell books. Which I’ve read in a couple of emails this week too. And I really don’t know how to reply to that, except to say, yeah, that’s not beyond the realms of possibility. So what?

No. I didn’t enjoy that one. They said they’d let me know when it’s going to be put out. Not tonight though, as I’d imagined.

Ugh.

Now I’m going to go join another sodding gym and put it all out of my mind.



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40 comments:

daisyfae said...

I seem to make a lot of noises that are not exactly words...

it's difficult to execute 'active listening techniques' on a telephone interview... nothing wrong with a few grunts and hoarks...

Valerie said...

I loved "late to mid twenties". There's something sort of Benjamin-Buttonesque about that one. (Not that I saw that movie (any more than Boland read your book).)

You sounded good, though, seriously. You have a nice voice. And you sounded a lot more together than Boland did. I loved when you started interviewing him!

BenefitScroungingScum said...

I thought you came across really well, especially as the interviewer was, um, somewhat provocative.
Gutted you wouldn't let Grandma on the radio though, now that would be a fun listen ;)
Bendy Girl

PurestGreen said...

I listened, I laughed, I cringed a few times (well done guarding your gran from radio-land advances).

Most of all I just feel for you. I think I have a better understanding of how hard this is. Deep breath. Keep going. Try not to let it go as soon as possible once it's over, or you'll run it through your head and it will drive you mad. :)

Penelope said...

You have an incredibly sexy voice!!! Bloody hell! (Your overseas readers are going to go nuts!)
Loving the interview - you didn't make a twat of yourself at all - come out of hiding!

Beleaguered Squirrel said...

"I’m not ugly at all and it’s all a gimmick to sell books ... that’s not beyond the realms of possibility. So what?"

So what? Um... So it's the basic premise behind the blog and the book, and if that's not true then the rest probably isn't either?

Which makes you a novelist, which is fine, but also makes the relationship you have with your commenters, who mostly think your story is real, very weird indeed.

misspiggy said...

You have a very sexy voice if I may say so, Mr Cattermole.

Truly entertaining interview - made me laugh and laugh...

Gorilla Bananas said...

Have you ever considered dating a female gorilla? They don't care about looks as long as your arse is tolerably fleshy.

Beleaguered Squirrel said...

Just listened to you and Maurice... he loves you more than marshmallows! blimey. What a hoot.

And what a posh accent you have for a Dartford boy. Very odd.

amy grace said...

"...on the front page instead of the Iranian election" -nice. I also thought late to mid twenties made perfect sense, as you were looking backward in time :)

Oh, and Penelope is right, your overseas readers are going nuts.

I wish the fellow had read your book. I was a bit annoyed that his questions didn't make sense considering the context that he clearly did not have. Oh well, people listening who also haven't read it won't know the difference, and that's who it's really for.

You sounded great,though. Were you really tipsy?

lilianavonk said...

Awww...I'm not going to tell you not to be self-conscious, because that would be downright ridiculous as well as monumentally stupid.

However, as the other responses have already evidenced, you sounded pretty fucking adorable, actually. Mega-extra points for giving him so much shit for not reading the book and being protective of Grandma. (I'm about to move home to take care of my parents, both of whom are in their eighties, so hoohlordy, do I hear ya on that 'un.)

In the past year I've been remarkably blessed with a number of new online friends, some of whom are loath to let me see a photo of what they look like, but at this point especially, I've tried to let them know I honestly don't give a crap, because they've let me see who they really are; whatever their outward manifestation might be, I've been lucky enough to get to know who they are on the inside, which is ultimately all that matters.

Though I'm sure you read comments like this and think, "Ah, but if you only knew..." but dude, seriously, CHILL. Even though it hasn't worked out for me personally, I truly believe there is someone for everyone, if not multiple someones...and she's definitely out there.

Again--chin up, lad. :)

La Bête said...

Daisy, hoarks? Did I hoark? Bugger.

Thanks, everybody else. Particularly for the sexy comments. I'm very superficial.

Squirrel, what I mean is so what it's possible? What am I supposed to do with that? 'Could it not be that you're actually a better-looking man than you're saying you are?' 'Yes, of course, it could. It's a cynical world we live in and the internet is hardly the most trustworthy source of information.' You get me? I don’t really know what to say in response. And there is nothing remotely posh about my accent. If anything, it sounds a little northern in places I think.

Amy Grace, I was only a couple of glasses in, although I like the fact that you can hear me guzzling now and then.

Catofstripes said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

Now then, this hasn't actually got anything to do with anything. I'm just going to be rather self-indulgent for a moment (in the true spirit of blogland).

I'm from the same sort of arse end of suburbia as you, and have lived on and off around the same sort of places.

And I've always hated the sound of my accent. Well, not always, but for many years. You see, it doesn't sound as though it originates anywhere. It doesn't sound like the other accents from the same arse end of suburbia.

And now, there you are, sounding just like me. In fact, if I didn't know any better, I might have thought that was my own voice stammering out of the speakers at me.

Queer, huh?

Do you also loathe the sound of your own voice, I wonder?

Wellington

Litha said...

Hearing someone's voice adds a whole new dimension to a person. You may think of yourself as ugly, but your voice definitely isn't. And I think the interview went very well.

(I was puzzled though by the 'can't spell, than don't bother'-part. Sounded a little snobish to me?)

La Bête said...

He was a bit weird, wasn't he, Cat?

Yes, Wellington, I do also loathe the sound of my own voice. But you know, for a moment there, when I was reading your comment, I had a sudden Fight Club moment. I thought you were going to say you were me. You're not, are you?

Litha, I'm sorry to disillusion you, but I am a bit snobbish. Sorry!

notkeith said...

I fucking loved it. You were doing your telephone voice at the start and then you started turning into you. "Late to mid twenties" sounded like you meant to say it as a joke and the rest was just awesome. You were really bouncing off each other. Great radio, sir, great radio. I'm going to have a drink in your honour. And a fucking huge spliff.

La Bête said...

Aww, thanks, mate. x

Queenie said...

You sounded debonair. Maurice sounded... odd. V-e-r-y strange man.

Litha said...

I was actually more surprised than disillusioned. Intelligence is, like beauty, for the most part a gift from mother nature. Nothing to be snobbish about in my book.

But we've all got our preferences of course.

Alexandra Sheppard said...

"Don't tell me you're fat as well as ugly?"

What. A. Creep.

Well done though, you were a pleasure to listen to! Maurice, less so.

lilianavonk said...

Hey, now, my fellow bêteophiliacs! It's his right as a Brit to be snobbish, and to obsess about his accent! Though you say, "Northern" as if there's something wrong with that...and trust me, when you are accursed with naught but flat California vowels and sound like everyone on US tv, only then can you truly develop a complex about your accent, IMO.

Not that I would know anything about that, of course.

Andrea said...

You do have a very sexy voice actually.

Valerie said...

I qualify as "accursed with naught but flat California vowels and sound like everyone on US tv". On the other hand, I have nonetheless landed myself an Australian husband, so I have something to listen to. On the third hand, he makes fun of me everytime I say "lookit!" On the gripping hand, you really do have a sexy voice, Bête.

KK said...

That sounded like Hugh Grant. YOU ARE Hugh Grant! The irony....

Anyway great voice, great posh accent, and it seems u aint ugly after all=)

Well how could you be Hugh, you handsome devil?

Delirium said...

That was a lovely interview, I think I love you more than marshmallows too! Actually I've gone and bought your book off the back of it too (which'll be waiting for me when I get back from Chile).

It's weird, though I've been reading your blog off and on for quite a while I didn't really get the desire to buy the book until I heard your voice... Qué precioso es...

Canuckian's Evil Twin said...

i agree with notkeith - nervous at the start but you hit your stride in the end. i liked it! and yes, like the others i think your voice is lovely. :o)

littleblackspider said...

That was hilarious. Well done! You sounded positively urbane.

Pearl

Tim Footman said...

I liked the Iranian election line too.

And "Its dozens if not its hundreds..."

Anonymous said...

Very, very well done sweets! Congratulations on all the good Karma. America has spoken and they all agree.....you've the sexiest voice in the blogosphere (screw you Hugh Grant)!
Sending good vibes your way....
~42

Michael said...

I wouldn't worry about Cooper; he's a notorious bullshitter who always insists on being as needlessly obnoxious as possible.

Pomgirl said...

"Oh, you're being topical..."

Great interview, really enjoyed listening to it.

isabelle said...

oh god,what a lovely voice, perfect for bedtime stories.

( great interview )

Lainey said...

Well aren't you posh! I was expecting a much more heavily accented voice. Suppose I was expecting a Northern voice - for no real reason at all!

Have just purchased the book thanks to your verbal jousting avec Maurice.

Nicky said...

You were funny and clever :o)

littleblackspider said...

You sounded freakishly like my ex. Specifically, my ex when he was trying to get me into bed.

This was less freakish when I remembered that you grew up about twenty minutes from where he's from, and you were flirting with old Maurice. Hot.

Pearl

laurasusan said...

I think old Maurice could have been hitting the sherry beforehand, clearly way more interested in what he was saying than anything you had to say. I thought you sounded very relaxed considering it was such a bloody weird interview - well done. (bought the book - loved it. x)

suburbanhen said...

Weeeeeee!

Lovely voice Stan.

You know what is in your voice? Sincerity. It's in your writing, too. And anyone who has had the pleasure of email conversations with you would be able to sense even more sincerity.

That can't be faked.

caroline said...

Brilliant, well done you!I'm still laughing at 'late to mid twenties.
As for that voice, I swear you could read a telephone directory out loud and make it sound sexy.

annie.sh said...

Stan!

You have SUCH a lovely voice!

I had always wondered. I also quite liked Maurice; once you push aside the egotism that people of his standing (old-school entertainer) often have, I thought he was rather charming. Each of you were right - you're both very warm.

"Any port in a storm" made me guffaw.

It was a triumph! You should be very pleased.

xa