Wednesday, 10 June 2009

Bête de Jour :: Tested On Animals

Stan :: Oy! Cedric. Here, look. It's a book.

Stan :: Psssst! Cedric! Come on, I've opened it for you. You'll like this bit. It's got a cat in it.

Paddy :: [Appearing in the room quite suddenly, like the shopkeeper in Mr Benn.] What are you doing?

Stan :: Oh. Um... nothing. I was just trying to get Cedric to review my book. I thought he might like it, but... I don’t know think he can read.

Paddy :: Of course he can read. He’s nearly 11. He just can’t read in his sleep. You can see that he’s sleeping, right?

Stan :: I know, I was trying to coax him awake with my words.

Paddy :: Don’t be silly. Wake him up. He likes books. Here, I’ll do it....

Cedric :: What the…? Get your stinkin’ hands off me! I was ‘aving a snooze!

Paddy :: Come on, Cedders. Uncle Stanley’s written a booky-wook. Settle down and have a little read.

Cedric :: A fuckin’ what? What are you, four years o--

Cedric :: Can’t breathe! Can’t breathe! Let go of me neck, you bastard!

Stan :: Just read the sodding book, Cedric, you illiterate swine! Or at least pretend to. You can do that, can't you?

Cedric :: You are going to die.

Paddy :: No, I don’t think it’s going to happen. Maybe just a shot of him admiring the cover, as if he’s just read the book and is milling it over.

Stan :: Mulling it over. I don’t like the way he’s looking at me.

Cedric :: My laser eyes are burning into your soul.

Stan :: I know! Have you got any Marmite?

Cedric :: Any what now?

Stan :: I know a trick with Marmite.

Paddy :: I think so. Let me check.

[He checks.]

Not really, but I’ve got this old jar of Vegemite. That’ll do, won’t it?

Stan :: Yeah, yeah, it’s all the same. Now, spread a bit of it on the cover and get him to lick it off. It’ll be like he’s saying, ‘Mmmmm, Bête de Jour. Good enough to eat.’ And see if you can get him to scrunch his face up like Michael Winner’s.

Paddy :: There you go, Lord Cedley. Lovely Marmite on the lovely book. Mmmm. You like Marmite.

Cedric :: Do I look like a mug to you? Or a dog maybe? Have you mistaken me for a dog? Is that it? That is not Marmite.

Stan :: Shove his nose in it!

Cedric :: NNNff!

Stan :: That’s it. Now scoot off and let me get the money shot.

Cedric :: But this is not Marmite. This is an inferior product. Is anybody listening to me?

Cedric :: Ah, bollocks to this….

Stan :: Stupid cat. Why has he got paint on his back?

Paddy :: He’s not stupid. He’s just got good taste. And that’s not paint.

Stan :: Yeah, well. Whatever.

Bête de Jour :: The Intimate Adventures of an Ugly Man (wipe-clean cover included.)

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Ian said...

Cedric you have no taste. Vegemite is vastly superior to Marmite.

oatmeal girl said...

Too wonderful.

Just too deliciously wonderful.

But maybe you should stock up on Marmite, no?

Anonymous said...

get a dog to do the review. they are the animals who invented "unconditional love". kinda like Oprah when it comes to book reviews...

Beleaguered Squirrel said...

I'm not convinced all cats like Marmite anyway.

I used to have a cat who liked the middle seedy bit of cucumbers. If you left a cucumber on the side, when you came back he would have hollowed it out.

But anyway. Catnip. That's what you need.

And a new kitten. Have you got a new kitten yet?

Catofstripes said...

Excellent advert. Cedric is a star.

PurestGreen said...

Too bad you didn't have any catnip. Cedric would have page humping in no time.

Anonymous said...

Wait. Have you written a book then?

Ann Anon

Alison Eales said...

Honestly, what is it with cats and Marmite? Cocoa goes berserk if she smells it. She gets psychotic eyes.

Anonymous said...

I wrote a poem on a dog biscuit
My dog refused to look at it

Mel said...

Ohhhh that really made me laugh!
{wipes tears from eyes}
When my cat, Fluff, speaks he sounds like Stewy from Family Guy... said...

Adorable cat, even if he has bad taste in literature.