Friday, 2 October 2009

Feedback Friday :: Foibles


bulk :: 13st 10 (eek!)
exercise :: very, very little
sexual congress :: nada
onanism :: fair bit
writing :: lots
cartography :: zilch
floccinaucinihilipilification :: some, but probably mostly useless
optimism (moneywise) :: moderate
optimism (fleshwise) :: moderate
marks out of ten for week :: 7


Right, I’ve got very little time before my internet is switched off for the weekend, and actually very little to say. What the hell is all this one post a week malarkey all about anyway? Well, it’s because I’m trying to write something. A book. Takes bloody ages.

So what can I tell you? Well, Ben and I got substantially lubricated on Wednesday night. Not in a sexual way, you understand. Not with love-lube and man-sweat and dirty great gobs of gay spit. No. But with red wine. Not red wine rubbed into our chest hair and thighs, then licked off of our taut nipples and springy, carrot sticks, you understand. No. Just in our mouths. And swallowed. Like two perfectly non-sexual, house-sharing, red wine-drinking men.

Then we had sex.

No, just kidding.

Ben told me some amusing things about himself though, which I shall share with you in the name of light-hearted betrayal. They go like this:

1) When he was fifteen, he was caught by a friend’s mum in the act of kissing a mannequin. (His friend’s father meanwhile, may or may not have been one of the architects of the modern landmine. Life, eh?)

2) Whenever Ben is in a pub or restaurant eating or drinking with other people, he has this neurotic inability to put anything in his mouth at the same time as anyone else. So, if he notices, for example, that I pick up my glass of red wine at exactly the same time as him, he will hold his for a moment without drinking. Once he’s seen that I have drunk from my glass, he will be able to follow suit, but not until. I asked him, ‘What happens if we drink at the same time?’ He just shook his head gravely and said, ‘It’s not good.’ Bloody weirdo.

3) Furthermore, he is unable to urinate onto another man’s urine. So if, for example, I refuse to flush the chain because it seems unnecessary after an alcohol-weakened half-piss and because I want to save the planet, Ben will always flush before passing his own pee-pee.

These things strike me as very odd. Except for perhaps the mannequin-kissing. I would certainly have done that if there’d been a mannequin knocking about in my youth. Instead I had to practise on the cat.

Do you have any super-strange completely irrational habits which you'd like to share with me? Aw, go on, I promise I won't tell anyone.

Right. I'd best get on.

Oh, and if you've never read James Joyce's saucy letters to his saucy brownarsed fuckbird Nora Barnacle, then you really ought. They're funny.

Have a super weekend.



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30 comments:

CarolH said...

I also have that weird thing with the eating and drinking!

I can't bear walking next to a stranger either - I either have to speed up or slow down.

I can't sit on a toilet seat other than my own. I have to hover.

I can't bear to see people eating in public (other than designated eating areas such as restaurants).

There, I said it.

Anonymous said...

Your points all seem perfectly reasonable to me, CarolH.

On the subject of toilets, if I'm at home then I always sit down (public toilets are a different kettle of fish altogether).

I never understand why men would choose to stand up whilst urinating.

Gents - take a seat, take the weight off your feet, have a rest for a moment and enjoy a little daydream. All that leaving the toilet seat up rubbish. There's really no need for it.

My toilet seat is never up. Even when there are male visitors around.

I follow them into the bathroom to ensure that they adhere to the house rules.

I don't really. That would be weird. I just shout at them through the locked door. And then cross examine them when they come out.

I haven't had any visitors in a while.

Wellington

gongman said...

"floccinaucinihilipilification" eh...

Thank god for google.Wonderful word which I will use to impress my English friends greatly and my French friends even more.And I shall demand a translation,as I am always looking to improve my vocabulaire.He He.

I guess playing the gongs is a super strange habit,but it is far from irrational.Will try to come up with something better.

Panda said...

You already know about my compulsion to endlessly repeat the names of celebrities such as Gok Waaaan and George Alagiah.

It makes me feel ill if the lights are turned on in the daytime. Why does no-one else understand this?

If I'm eating eggs, I can't possibly have a window open. It would be dirty. Egg and tomato on the same plate - no - it looks like an open wound.

Uggh.

Beleaguered Squirrel said...

"Do you have any super-strange completely irrational habits"

Yup.

"...which you'd like to share with me?"

Nope.

Or I don't think so. Let me think.

There's that one... no. Or... no, better not. How about... er...

Oh, here's one.

I chant "L th p th" to myself, because they are four consonant/diphthongs which I think go ever so well together, in a tongue-and-teeth-pleasing kind of way, to the extent that I think they really have to go together, and if I'm singing music to myself I have to rearrange every melody so that the number of notes is an exact multiple of 4, which means I can sing "l th p th" repeatedly instead of the real lyrics. If I can't / don't want to make them fit using the multiple-of-4 rule, I just work out which sound I need to start on (l, th, p or th) in order to end on "p th". Although the fact that they come in pairs ("l th" and "p th") and both pairs end in "th" means that I'm happy if I can just manage a multiple of 2, cos then I get to end on "th".

Is that strange enough? Do you have any clue at all what I'm on about?

Beleaguered Squirrel said...

I don't like sitting in traffic jams next to other cars either, particularly if they have their windows wound down or are higher up than me. And, I discovered today, it's even worse if we are on bikes rather in cars. I actually though it was rather rude of this guy to pull up next to me at the lights. I thought he should have stayed behind, or at least staggered himself slightly. I didn't know where to look.

petrichoric said...

Thanks for the James Joyce letters. They were great! I was most gratified to learn that he seemed to enjoy his wife's farting so much. That ties very nicely into your question about your readers' habits. I am also a consummate farter. An ex-boyfriend of mine told me that he had worked on many construction sites, and that my farts were stinkier than those of all the fat, beer-bellied guys working there. That made me extremely proud. What could be better than a really stinking woman?

egg said...

i have a strange way of eating toast... all the sides need to be bitten off, but also completely straight. i'll go back and forth a few times, nibbling away, trying to get it perfect. makes no sense, really, but i just can't help it.

Helen said...

I have to have the volume of a tv or radio set at an even number or a multiple of five. 12 is wonderful. 7 is death.

BPP said...

Numbers two and three are affectations. Put a gun to this Ben character's head and hey presto! He can drink at the same time as someone else and piss on other people's piss!

And CarolH's quirks are bollocks too.

Innocent Loverboy said...

Apparently people floccinaucinihilipilificate several times in a day without realising it. I may have to try counting, myself.

Imogen said...

Oh my GOODNESS! Can this be? I go away on tour for a mere five minutes and look at what happens - secrets divulged, obsessions shared, mannequins made out with. Whatever next?

That's it, I'm coming home immediately to discipline the pair of you two loony bins. Can't believe I never noticed Ben's eating thing, and shall try to erase it from my memory for fear of self-conscious cornflakes.

Mwa X

La Bête said...

Can open. Worms all over the floor. What a lot of nutbags you are. It seems like I'm the only normal one here, and I'm mental.

I'm in an internet cafe by the way. It's horrible. Now I must eat.

Goodbye.

grrl said...

Is onanism [of which you report having had 'a fair bit'] possibly a state of affairs, or mind, where one runs around and shouts "Oh, naa! Oh, naa!"?

Running Queen said...

I have only the one strange foible - I cannot have the volume set to an odd number on anything - TV, Radio etc. It has to be set to a "nice" even number - 10 or 12 is fine 11 or 13 and I don't like it. I don't think the world will end, I just feel very annoyed when it's not even. I really can't explain why.

La Bête said...

grrl - no, it's wanking.

Running Queen, my ex used to have exactly the same thing. It is very odd, isn't it? I think it probably means - sadly - that you're irrevocably insane. I'm sorry.

Confused said...

I have the even number weirdness thing too and have converted a friend with whom i often watch tv!

i cant sleep unless the window is open as im scared ill run out of air in the night and die.

i think thats it actually.... hmmm oh i like to line remote controls up neatly but thats just being tidy. :-)

La Bête said...

Seems that the even number thing is quite common. I think it's probably a mild form of OCD.

Careful now.

La Bête said...

19 comments. Phew.

Anonymous said...

Now I must say, your book is well worth the moolah. Splendid stuff. I've got to the stage of, 'oh no, I better slow my reading down as the end of the book is in sight.'

Plus, the book cover matches my sofa.

Will send proper review when I finish it, innit. x

Is it vain that I chuckled over one of my comments that you published in your book?

Ann Anon

p.s. When is your second book coming out?

La Bête said...

Thanks, AA. Not vain at all. I'm sure your comment made the whole book. What was it?

As for second book, I'm trying to write enough of something now so that I can get an advance before I run out of money entirely and have to get a job in a sewer or some such. I have about a week to go.

Anonymous said...

19 comments, maybe.

But, and I don’t know how to tell you this, 4 of those comments are from you.

Now, if you were to start discussing the awkward and mildly embarrassing social situations which arise from you living with your flatmates Ben & Jerry (or whatever they're called) as they're friends of Patricia (former love of you and NotKeith), then I'm sure the number of comments would soar (and not all of those comments would necessarily be from you).

If, on the other hand, you really can't be bothered, then that's probably perfectly sensible.

Wellington

Running Queen said...

Did your ex also have to take the wall seat in restaurants and bars? It has been pointed out to me that the even volume thing is not my only foible - I also cannot stand sitting with my back to the rest of the restaurant or bar, I always have to take a wall seat so that I can see into the restaurant. Apparantly this counts as an insane OCD - or so says the my tattoo buddy when we went out on Saturday for lunch.

Anonymous said...

If I'm walking with someone, I try to stay in step. This is difficult if we are different heights, and I find myslef changing the length and speed of my stride. Is that weird? I'm not bothered about stepping on cracks or anything.

Maria in Oregon

La Bête said...

Whoa there, Welly. I only mentioned the amount of comments in reference to the odd-even OCD thing. It wasn’t a comment about comments as such. You weirdo. And as for the Patricia/Ben/Imogen professional musician triangle, you may just be too sharp for your own good. But then again you may not. I’m not telling.

Queenie, do you know, I think she did, to a certain extent. My God, you’re not… Is that...? No, this is too weird. I’m backing away from the internet now, quivering slightly.

Nah, Maria, that’s perfectly normal. Don’t worry about that. But you should definitely start watching out for cracks. You can break your back, you know.

AgSweep said...

for your back take a bath towel, fold it half (the long way) roll up like a sleeping bag and place in the small of your back while sitting in your desk chair (also helps to put your feet up on a box or something). I duct taped my towel roll and carried it with me to the office. Made sitting at the desk all day almost bearable.

Donna Deluso said...

I can't eat a biscuit unless I can dunk it into either tea or coffee. My favourite biscuit in the world could be presented to me and unless I have a drink to dunk it in, I will abstain. Certain biscuits go with coffee and certain biscuits with tea and never the twain shall meet.

LittleLadyJo88 said...

I have a weird thing when I cant finish a whole sandwhich! I just cant it feels...wrong! Nor can I drink the last dribble of drink fromn a glass!

I also can't pee in public toilets when peope are i there and it is REALLY, or if others are out their talking but not overly loud! Weird!

My mum has a weird germ fixation now (we both work in a hospital,) and she wont touch lift buttons with her finger (she uses her knuckle,) and she wont put things down a a tabl, there has to b a napkin down (even if it is a sandwhich IN a a wrapper, nor will she touch stair rails etc!

Anonymous said...

LittleLadyJo88 - My son has the exact same "thing" - he won't EVER eat the last bite of a sandwich, and I have to shake out all the empty Coca-cola cans before I toss them in the recycle bag because he ALWAYS leaves one gulp in the bottom!

Maria in Oregon

LittleLadyJo88 said...

Anon,

:D I am actually glad to hear it si not just me being "weird," as I don't know anyone else who does that!! Has your son ever told you why he does that? As I genuinely don't know why I do it!!!!

LLJ