Monday, 14 April 2008

Tatyana :: My Russian Doll

Tatyana got in contact a couple of weeks ago through Love and Friends. I was very excited because Tatyana was a) blood-pumpingly beautiful, and b) incredibly keen on me, particularly considering she’d never even seen so much as a photograph. In fact, it almost seemed too good to be true. Here is what she wrote:

Hello Dear Friend !!! I am very pleased, that you have decided to answer mine the letter. It means, which us will connect friendship. But I to think, which will be time of pass and we can answer on each other with mutual feelings of love. Yes??? Now I wish to inform you about me directly. My full name Tatyana. My name means "Womanly both soft. Lyrical both shy. Hot and indulgent. It externally careless, in complex situations it is unexpectedly independent. To make imagination before loss of feeling of the validity. This loved and love. Given birth mum."

To me 26 years. My Placed Birth May 1. On an Kozerog of the Zodiacs, I am left. And when your Day Birth??? I average growth, my growth 170 centimeters and my weight of 55 kg, I think, the rest to operate about me you can see all in my photo which I have sent you in this letter. For me the question is very important, whether my appearance of you liked??? In Russia there is such statement "Meet on clothes, and see off on opinion." :) Therefore I think, that the first impression is very important. Though for me occurrence does not play value. I examine, that the person should be beautiful from within and beautiful should be this heart. You agree with me, my dear Friend???

I live in Russia, in city, which Cheboksary addresses to. This city the purest city in republic Chuvashiya. My city - very beautiful city. At us a lot of interesting, though also city not such big. At us it is a lot of museums, parks, monuments, restaurants, cafe, clubs.

I work as the hairdresser and the stylist. I work at this job 3 years. And to me very much to like. I think, that my job is good business. To me there come many people: women and the man, also ask to make their beautiful. I try him to help. If you want, I can send you some photos of hairdresses by which I do.

Now it is a little about my family. I live one. My mum and daddy were lost in accident when I was still absolutely small. And I almost do not remember them. Me has brought up and my grandmother has brought up. But she too has died one year ago. It is hard, when you remain absolutely alone. But I have many friends and girlfriends who always support me. Probably, you will ask me, why I still unmarried and why I do not search for the friend and the future husband in Russia??? I shall answer you it simply. Because 3 long years, I cannot find anything here. And I have decided to try to find my love abroad. My girlfriend has advised me to address in the Internet. My girlfriend is already married. 2 years ago she has met on the Internet the future husband, and now they live happily.

My dear! I to think, that I can answer you to time in two days, but I can be and once a day. I shall try to answer you as it is possible - more frequently. As I very much wish to study you as soon as possible! You also want it??? My Fine The friend! On it I shall finish my letter to you. I shall wait with big impatience of your letter.

Your girlfriend Tatyana.

Now you may have heard similar words before. Tatyana may even have sent those very same words to you. The reason – and it breaks my heart to tell you this – is that Tatyana is a goddamned whore. Turns out she’s been feeding the same line to millions of blokes all over the world.

The horrible thing is, I really wanted to believe it. Part of me ached for Tatyana to be real.

OK, sod it, I should be honest: I actually started replying to Tatyana. My first thoughts were, this is obviously spam, maybe a bunch of Russian Mafia types sitting in an office in Tbilisi or Rotherhithe, stinking of sweat and cigarettes and semen, spending all day trying to trick poor desperate dating site saddoes into stumping up the flight money so Tatyana can come out to London, or Sheffield or Mumbai or Carcassone, and blow them. But then I thought, ‘Hold on a minute though, you never know. Life is full of very strange things. She might be real. There really is a genuine possibility that this beautiful woman, whose grasp of English isn’t strong enough to pull a hair from an old woman’s head, was so severely impressed by your scintillating - but probably for her quite difficult to understand - profile, that she simply had to declare herself your girlfriend instantly. Happens all the time.'

So I started replying to her email. And sincerely. Trying to be funny and sweet and all of the wonderful things that I really am. Then I did a search for ‘Kozerog’, figuring it was her star sign in Russian and I’d find out which one and pretend that my mother was also Kozerog, or some such delicious bagatelle. Then, in the course of my searching, I came across this, a website dedicated to Russian dating spam, and there she is two thirds of the way down. Tatyana. My girlfriend.

I was upset. Very upset. To be honest, I was momentarily destroyed by the ease with which one waves aside common sense when one is thinking with one’s dick, or one’s lonesome heart, or any other part of the body that isn’t one's brain.

So then I pulled myself together and wrote and sent the following reply:

Dear Tatyana

Yes! Da da da! My Fox-Coated Queen! My Gull-Eyed Wolf-Woman! My Kozerog Blood Orange! My Own One!

I have been waiting all of my life for a woman like you. No, not for a woman like you, but for you, Tatyana, and no other. Your words have touched me deeply. They have melted my heart like naked flames of sweat-drenched passion all over a chocolate moth. And all the while your silver-brown moon-foxed face gives me full throb, hard and wet, something akin to a cement mixer and a tropical dishwasher going at it like mechanical bullfrogs in full view of a thousand cock-fisted jackhammers. Christ, woman, do you know what you’ve done to me? You’ve given me hope again! You have brought music back into my life!

I trust at this least answers on you mutual feelings of love from my part. My Day Birth is December 14, making me also Kozerog! It’s in the stars! And you can bet your six pair of sweaty balls I absolutely adored your appearance! Not only do you float my boat, you sail it to the moon and back on a sea of writhing lesbians. Not only do I agree with you wholeheartedly that the person should be beautiful from within, but also, I totally very much wish to study you as soon as possible. I’m here, baby. Truth on the table, I’ve just recently been hurt – I guess you could say I got in too deep, too quick, then suddenly I was left danglin’, high and dry – it’s the same old story and I’m still sore like a open wound in a brine storm if you want the God’s honest. Or in a family bag of salt and vinegar crisps. Your choice. And I’m ready for more. Now tell me about your vagina in unnecessarily gruesome detail. Just to get the ball rolling like.

Your boyfriend,
Stan (It means “Unexpectedly gullible”.)

Tatyana replied saying she was more than happy to come to London and blow me, but she’d need help with the airfare first.

Bloody Tatyana. I really thought we coulda had something.

I even had a wank over her.

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Anonymous said...

Your daily birth?? Oh God this is priceless! I'm dying here!

Anonymous said...

Tell her you would have happily paid her airfare, if only she wasn't quite so ugly. Explain that you're only looking for pretty ladies.

Grundy Boyo said...

Grundy once ordered one of those Russian mail order brides. All was going swimmingly, until she got a puncture.

Ariel said...

As ROI goes, I don't think that's a very sound investment. As wanking material goes however, it's all in the fur hat I reckon!

Anonymous said...

ok, i was convinced the blog is just made up before.. but now there is no doubt. that is NOT how a russian would write in english!

Anonymous said...

Bonjour La Bête,

For a foreigner, Tatyana 's fresh and mischeavous letter is actualy much easier to read than your own obscure and confusing answer.

Does she have a blog ?

Uncle Did

La Bête said...

Don’t die, Penelope!

I could never treat a lady like that, Anon. Even a lady that was actually a bunch of sweaty blokes.

I don’t understand, Grundy. You mean she was riding a bicycle?

Ariel, when it comes to wanking, the fur hat rules.

Anonymous, you are an idiot. And you must learn to follow links.

Uncle Did and Tatyana, sitting in a tree. S – P – A – M – M – I… oh.

Anonymous said...

Blimey, Bete. You are sounding very cross now. Calling one of your posters an idiot. I like it. Let's have more of this bolshy talk. The endless nice-guy Stan stuff was starting to make me feel insecure. I'm much happier now, knowing that you're really as grouchy as me.

Wisewebwoman said...

The thing is, you should offer to go to Russia if she'd help out with the airfare.

La Bête said...

Bog off, Anonymous.

If I did that, WWW, I could end up sharing a hotel room with a Russian mafioso. It might work out well though, you never know. We could end up wed and be very happy together. Alright, I'll do it!