Tuesday, 1 April 2008

And In One Fell Swoop Everything, But Everything Changed…

Um… I’m having a little difficulty believing this. My hands are shaking as I type, my head is buzzing and I’m bright red like I’m embarrassed or coming down with something. I’ve got grins all over my face – every orifice is grinning and I’m guessing this must be what being in love feels like. Maybe. Maybe not.

I guess I should spill the beans… You know I mentioned that I was going to start doing the lottery a couple of months ago? Well, I didn’t get round to it till last week. On Friday in fact, on the way to pick up Keith to drive to The North, I bought a lottery ticket. I’d never filled one in before so it took me a while and the old ladies behind me in the queue got really eggy.

Then I forgot all about it, until a couple of hours ago. Then I dug it out and checked the numbers online. Um… As far as I can tell, I’ve just won £2.6 million pounds.





It’s taken me half an hour so far to write this. I keep breaking off to check again, expecting to see that I’ve made an idiotic mistake. But I haven’t. It appears I’ve really won.

I can’t believe it.

I really can’t believe it.

But it’s true. I haven’t made a mistake. Have I? I’m going to give Keith a ring.


I’m over at Keith’s. We’re celebrating. He says I have to buy him a new body. I’ll do my best.

I’ve definitely won. I’m rich. I’m really truly madly deeply motherfucking brilliantly rich.

All those times I’ve drifted off and started imagining what I’d do if I ever came into a lot of money. Now I can actually think about it for real. Now it’s actually happened. This is the most amazing thing that has ever happened to me. There is absolutely no way I’ll be able to sleep now, till I can make the phone call tomorrow morning and arrange to collect the money. So… the list:

1) buy a house in North London
2) actually, that’s probably it. So I’ll buy a cheap house I think, maybe in South London, and fill it with tenants – get myself an income and become a proper capitalist
3) go to Thailand and do a Gogarty. Maybe turn this blog into a rambling rich boy’s journey of discovery where I find out how shallow I truly am
4) buy some love. Of course money can buy you love, of course it can
5) buy something nice for Ben and Dina
6) go to a health farm in the Seychelles and learn to SCUBA dive.
7) swim with dolphins
8) buy a gold vest
9) buy a convertible Porsche
10) set up a fast-food company selling spicy meat-based products made from orphaned children – call it Dr Barnando’s

Ho ho. As you can see, I haven’t got much idea what I’m going to do. You can help me if you want, although to be honest it may be some time before I'm looking at the internet again but go on, you might as well - tell me what you would do if you had just won 2.6 million gorgeous lovely pounds. No begging letters.


This may be the best day of my entire life.

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Lilith said...

Keep blogging ;)


Wisewebwoman said...

Oh how awful for you, my deepest sympathy.

Artful Kisser said...

I only just started reading your blog last week because the tribulations of your love triangle were so absorbing. Congratulations if you're for real. What would I do? Pretty much what you'd do.

Ryan Lawson said...


I'll tell you what: if it's me, I'm pulling out about a million in cold, hard, cash...just for one afternoon of literally swimming in money.

Then, back to the bank with you!

Duke Orsino said...

... and when you woke up, it was April 2nd ...

Anonymous said...

Call me an old cynic but isn't it 1st April today? Hmmmmm ;o)

Roszs Bif said...

You had me for about three minutes and then I checked the date!

Would have been ace though...

Anonymous said...

Ah, you trickster. Very smart indeed. And you would have got away with it, if it hadn't been for those pesky kids and their smart-alec remarks in your comments box.

Anyway, let's get back to the judgemental storm about your love triangle.

I didn't start pinning needles into Stan voodoo dolls, nor did I accuse you of eating a beastman. But I couldn't help but feel a little deflated by it all. Not because it was morally questionable (though maybe, just maybe, it was) but because it was all rather disappointing (I'm allowed to sound high-handed - I've got a special pass).

You see, I had assumed that you had conquered your fears, gone out into the big wide world, actually met some real live women, and eventually got moist with one of them. And I was very pleased for you. That is, after all, the whole point of this blog, isn't it? So when it transpired that, actually, all you did was shag your best mate's ex-girlfriend, I felt like demanding my money back.

I know Patricia is a real live woman, but she doesn't count, lovely though she no doubt is. And Ange the racist doesn't count either, by the way. Just in case you start thinking, "Mmm, she shagged NotKeith, and he's no oil painting..."

I should probably be leaving this comment under your previous post. But who's going to go back and see it there? And if I wanted to sit here typing words which nobody would ever read, then I'd go and start a bloody blog.

Patricia - I hope your breasts have reverted to their normal size and are now being well looked after.

Glamourpuss said...

Congratulations. 2008 is proving to be quite a year.


DJ Kirkby said...

I am really happy for you. If I own I would pay off my house, buy my mom a house, invest in an Inde publishing ocmpany and write full time. Please keep blogging. If you decide to change blog addies 'cos of too many begging comments, please let me know your new one.

DJ Kirkby said...

Oh and ummmm I just realised that it is April Fool's day! Der! Well I wish you had won the lottery, you deserve it!

Louche's blog is ace and he needs more readers said...

Oh congrats man! You deserve it. Please give some to my charity: Gullible fool's trust.

Windypops said...

You lying get.

Gannet said...

Bwahahahaaa, you totally had me there!

Canuckian's Evil Twin said...

Awww man, I was totally convinced until I clicked on the comments! Doh!

Gullible = me. :o)

Mr. Fermata said...

Spend every last penny on Heroin.

Been away on holiday - it seems you've been a busy boy and I've some catching up to do.

La Bête said...

Heheheh. That was ace.

If only eh? If only.

Louche said...

Ha, you totally had me too. I'm so slow about stuff like this. I was just penning (typing?) an email to you with congratulations and then I read the comments.

I say, do you have any magic beans I could swap for a cow?

La Bête said...

Laughing out loud I am. I'm equally gullible and wasn't really sure if I should try and do a fool because they're a bit wrong and I don't particularly care for them. But it was a challenge. So when someone says they were taken in, it's a great pleasure, I can't deny, but I also feel a little bit guilty. The biggest challenge though was trying to think of something that wasn't rather horrible.