Friday, 4 April 2008

Feedback Friday :: Desperate Measures

bulk :: 17st 2
alcohol units imbibed :: 1000
cigarettes smoked :: 0
joints smoked :: 5
runs run :: 3
swims swum :: 0
sexy birds observed :: 2
halves of the country entirely written off :: 1
plots hatched :: 1

It seems my weight has levelled out. This is the first week since I started dieting that I haven’t lost any weight. Is it possible to level out at 17 stone 2? Or is this plateau more to do with the fact that I’ve been eating like a two-headed piglet all week? Hmm. It seems I have become complacent. At the beginning of the year, I made a conscious decision not to consume anything that wasn’t good for me. Alcohol excepted. This week (amongst other things) I have consumed:

- half a tonne of monosodium glutamate
- a vat of lager
- a third of a (small) tub of Nutella
- a Topic
- half a bag of mini-eggs
- two portions of Heaton Mess

Now you won't know what Heaton Mess is, because I only invented it yesterday, so allow me to explain. First of all, it has very little in common with Eton Mess. Just as Heaton - nasty little Newcastle backwater, populated entirely by underprivileged, cuss-spouting brutes with tattoos on their throats – has very little in common with Eton - charming little Berkshire town, populated entirely by overprivileged, Latin-spouting toff children with plums in their throats. No, Heaton Mess is a silly thing, but painfully tasty. It goes a little something like this:


1 chocolate brownie
1 banana
1 helping of natural yoghurt
1 liberal sprinkling of pine nuts


- peel the banana and cut it into pieces with a shiny teaspoon
- place banana pieces in bowl and liberally sprinkle with pine nuts
- position head over bowl and take large bite of muffin
- chew muffin loosely and with mouth wide open (slightly reminiscent of Seth Brundle) so that loosely chewed muffin bits land in bowl with banana bits and nut sprinkling
- continue open-mouthed chewing process until entire muffin is broken up and in bowl
- cover with yoghurt
- wolf down like Cookie Monster
- repeat

I guess I should be happy that I haven’t put more weight on. I am in fact happy for this.

But I’m also determined to get back on the tired old horse before I do start piling it back on. And so, it’s time for a detox. Or rather, a fast. My Natural Tree Oil arrived a couple of weeks ago but I didn’t feel the time was right. But then, when is the time ever right to starve yourself for a week? I reckon now is as good a time as any. Well, not now. Monday. For a week. In the meantime… BINGE!!!

Have a great weekend.

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Sue said...

What are pine nuts?

I have hit a plateau before and WW said to up the exercise you do to blast through it. Of course, they also said that there are times when you are gaining muscle weight. That is why it's important to measure inches and body fat as well as weight lost when you're trying to get fit.

What did I miss with the sexy birds?

TheTelf said...

You list a a chocolate brownie in the ingredients, but talk about a muffin in the instructions. Which is it? Will it work with either? I'd hate to fail in my culinary aspirations and just end up some guy regurgitating the wrong type of confectionery into a bowl.

Ariel said...

Heck, I feel bloated just reading... never mind the eating! Heaton Mess as in chavved-up Eton Mess? Classic.

Hendo said...

There's also a place called Heaton Moor, which is in Stockport. I don't blame you easting, it's the cold. I haven't run this weekend either.

Roszs Bif said...

There are lots of Heatons around the country. It derives from 'High Town' I believe...

I live in one, in fact!!!!!!!!

So I have done extensive research.

*bores self to death*

Annie Rhiannon said...

They still make Topics? I find that strange.

Brigitte Bordeaux said...

oooooooooh! You missed out on adding "muffin" and "banana" in your labels, dear Stan.

Slowly savouring your blog, oh Most Fantastic of Bloggers. ("All things worth doing are worth doing slow." M.W.)
You make me laugh, giggle, blush, embarrassed, sad, speechless with admiration,... Is there an application form (forum) for Blogger Groupies? Can I have one? Pretty please?