Monday, 25 May 2009

My First Is In Scrotum...

Last night I slept with a man. It was really, really hot. I woke up alone, covered in dry sweat and he'd already gone to work, having had only a few hours sleep. I stayed in his bed till noon, sleeping off the booze from the birthday party where we met.

I've made it sound like we made love, haven't I? That's because I'm a playful little sprite. We didn't make love. No. We fucked. We fucked like men! With our hats off!

Nah, not really. I'm just being playful again.

No, nothing like that happened. I just happened to end up at someone's house and there wasn't enough bedspace, so I shared a large bed with a thoroughly pleasant, very friendly, wilfully heterosexual chap. We were both naked but for our pants and a sheen of sweat from this ridiculous heat, but nothing remotely carnal happened. No one crossed The Gay Line down the middle of the bed. Which was good, because frankly, this chap wasn't my type.

I'll be honest with you though, the older I get, the more I think that one day, given the opportunity, I might do something just a little bit gay. I mean, wouldn't it be a shame to go through life without ever having sucked another man's penis? I think it would. I can't imagine how it might possibly come about, as it were, but theoretically, I think I'd definitely like to do it at some stage. It must just be such a different experience to having sex with a woman. All that hardness, inside you, throbbing. Erm... anyway, this chap last night had dodgy teeth, so I wouldn't have sucked his penis even if he'd wanted me to.

So. I am having fun. On the whole, I'm finding that this is a very friendly country, although - obviously, I guess - not without its fair share of dipshits. Last night, for example, I encountered a dipshit who insisted on telling me a joke in English and then got all huffy when I didn't laugh. It was a joke which relied heavily on the wickedly humorous similarity between a man's testicles and a bunch of grapes. When I didn't laugh, I was told it was because I had 'an English sense of humour'. I countered that it was merely because I had 'a sense of humour' and that there is nothing inherently amusing in the human scrotum. And for a moment it all looked as though it might kick off. But it didn't. I made nice. I told the joke about clowns tasting funny and suddenly it was dipshit's turn not to laugh. Pffft. No sense of humour, these foreigners.

Now, today, like the unseasoned traveller I am, I find that all of my electrical items (specifically, toothbrush, telephone, laptop and camera) are in need of recharging, and I don't even have an adaptor for my plugs, so that is what I must concentrate on this afternoon. Then once I've done that, I can post a few photographs. That will be fun!

Now I must detatch myself from this primitive machine and go tackle the blazing sun. Wish me luck.



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10 comments:

alex said...

Well the next time you're in London *wink, wink, nudge, nudge* ...

Lennie Nash said...

Dear Scat,

I've just read your book, and I'm blown away. Brilliant work. Fantastic even. Finished it in two days, and that's damn fast for me considering it's about 350 pages.

I got to the end and cried. Not for you, not for me, just for everything really. Everything I'd just read in those 350 pages, but especially for Pablo under Blake's tree. Okay, I couldn't read the cancer bit, but that's more about me.

I think we've got ourselves a writer.

All the best,

Lennie

La Bête said...

Alex, I think you have something in your eye. And stop nudging me.

Mr Nash, that's brilliant news. Thank you very much. Now go tell the world!

SugarCain said...

There's just nothing better than one of your blog posts with my morning tea. Unless, of course, it is your book, which is taking such a damned long time to get here from England. If I'd known, I could have flown over to pick it up.

Oh, I hope you do find yourself with a man in your mouth. Then you can give pointers to those of us who don't have a penis and have to guess at things.

Autolycus said...

Nothing funny about the human scrotum? There's a way to go before you reach the gay end of the spectrum.....

daisyfae said...

"I can't imagine how it might possibly come about"oh, it usually starts with a pillow fight, then some playful tickling and an 'accidental' face plant between her breasts... wait. that'd be my lesbian hookups. never mind...

PurestGreen said...

People have started getting their books? I don't have mine yet - where's mine? Agony! Agony.

Hilarious post. Grapes. Nuts. Man sex. Ha!

dan said...

Didn't like the cannibal clowns eh? No sense of humour these... French?!

Howsmyguess?

PS Weather is actually lovely here in the UK, and it's past Bank Holiday so I can't jinx it. Although it has just started spitting ...

AndrewM said...

You can write books without being a raving gayer you know.

Buck up!

Anonymous said...

Do you want to lick my love pump?


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