Wednesday, 12 March 2008

Enough to Put You Off Sex For Life

When I wrote about my first sexual experience a couple of months ago, I mentioned in passing that the second time I had sex was far more disturbing, but that I wasn't ready to tell it yet, 'at least until something else comes along to distance me from it'. That's what I said. Well, here's the news: something else has come along. Something astonishing and wonderful. And something that I absolutely cannot talk about.

So instead, it's probably time to talk about Sue.

I had seen Sue a fair bit in one of the pubs I used to frequent when I lived in another part of London. She was often there with a bunch of mates, being loud, drunken and shrill. I'd be out with one of a couple of old friends, bemoaning the sickening ills of the world. I'd noticed Sue but I didn't think she had noticed me. Her eyes had passed over me for sure, but I didn't think she'd taken me in. That often happens. If you see someone you find physically repellent, you either stop and stare, sometimes pointing and grimacing if you're particularly insensitive. Or else you just look through them; they're invisible to you.

I'd noticed Sue partially because she was so annoying and shrill, and partially because, despite myself, I was really attracted to her. She was probably a little bit too chavvy for most people's tastes, and dressed a little loose if you know what I mean, a little Jodie Marsh. Plus, facially she was slightly reminiscent of a Riddler. But still, somehow I found her very attractive. Which was why one night, when she rolled over to me, blind drunk at the end of a Friday evening and said, 'Do you wanna come back to my house for sex?', I said, 'Um... yeah, alright'.

Then she kissed me, there in the pub, and her friends cheered and a flash went off. I should have known something was up. But I didn't. I was blinded by what I foolishly imagined was just brilliant luck, and I assumed that Sue was from the 'he's so ugly, he's kind of fascinating' school, a school I'd hitherto believed to be entirely fictional.

She stopped kissing me. Her hands were still on my face, her cold eyes perusing me. Another flash. 'Let's go,' she said. As she led me out of the pub, one of her friends joined us and introduced herself. 'I'm Cathy,' she said. I told her my name and they both giggled. 'Stan!' cried Sue. 'That's brilliant,' she said. 'Absolutely perfect.'

'Perfect,' repeated Cathy.

Out on the street I asked where we were going. 'Not far,' said Sue. Cathy was coming too it seemed. My imagination began to kick in. Surely not. Sue grabbed me and snaked an arm through mine, linking me at the elbow. Cathy did the same with the other arm and we walked down a main road in the cold night. 'This is your lucky night,' said Cathy.

Surely not.

As we walked, Sue and Cathy chatted to each other about people I didn't know, shrieking and giggling like inebriated harpies. I really didn't like them at all. Which means I really shouldn't have gone with them. So maybe I kind of deserved what happened next. Maybe. I just wanted so badly to have sex. I'd only ever had sex with one woman before, with Avril. So I'd never had sex with an able-bodied woman. And it had been over two years. I was desperate.

That is my excuse.

We turned off the main road and onto a side street, stopping at a house with a black and red door. Cathy broke away from me and opened the front door. Sue followed her inside and took off her coat. I was very excited and very nervous. I felt a little sick.

I was led through to the living room and offered a drink. I accepted and both women clattered through to the kitchen, leaving me alone. When they returned, Sue was carrying two hefty glasses of some putrid spirit. I don't know what it was, but it was undiluted and tasted of petrol. I took a sip and winced. Sue knocked back half of her glass and made an unpleasant face. I never saw Cathy again.

'Tell you what, I think I might need the bottle, yeah?' said Sue, then she skipped out of the room again. When she returned, she had a bottle under her arm. 'Come on then,' she said, and I followed her upstairs.

Sue's bedroom was very much how I imagined the bedroom of a prostitute might be. A huge bed, with rather tacky tigerskin blankets, big fluffy pillows and a wrought iron bedstead with ropes and blindfolds and handcuffs hanging from it. The rest of the room was pretty unpleasant – an overflowing chest of drawers, an overflowing dressing table, dirty wallpaper slipping down damp walls. It was also a bit smelly. Sue lit scented candles in an effort - I presumed - to disguise the smell. Opposite the bed was a PC, switched on, that horrible Pythonesque screensaver filling the window with perpetually extending pipes. And there was a webcam sitting on top of the monitor. At the time I thought nothing of it.

Sue then put some soulless soul music on the computer. I believe it was R Kelly. Yet still I didn't flee.

'Do you wanna watch some porn?' she asked.

I shook my head. Not as if to say no, but rather as if trying to understand the question. Did I want to watch porn? Erm… no? I wanted to have sex. 'I think I'm alright for porn actually,' I said.

I was standing by the side of Sue's bed feeling rather awkward. Sue stood up from her computer and moved to the bottom of the bed. 'Come here,' she said. I did so. 'Sit down here,' she said. I sat at the bottom of the bed. Sue climbed onto the bed and positioned herself behind me. She wrapped her arms around me and began to kiss my face. I gasped. I almost couldn't believe it was happening. But it was.

OK, this is where it gets a little graphic. Not massively, but enough to tell the story. I'm sorry if you find it a little grubby. If it's any consolation, I find it a little grubby too.

So Sue was licking and lapping at my face, moaning, clawing at my chest and unbuttoning my shirt, pushing her tongue in my ear, biting my hair and gasping. All the while she was saying stuff like, 'Oh God, yeah, you're so fucking ugly, I love it. You big dirty ugly bastard.' And so on.

Now I'm quite sensitive about my appearance and I'm easily hurt. Having this woman say this to me – even though she was writhing all over me at the time – upset me, and I couldn't hide it. She saw that I was upset and laughed. 'No, don't be hurt,' she said. 'That's what I like about you. I like ugly men.'

Then she stood on the bed, lifted her skirt and pushed herself into my face. With one hand she pulled aside her knickers and with the other she grabbed my head and pushed it against her. 'See how much I like it,' she said. 'Lick me,' she said. 'Put your fingers in me.' I did as I was told.

After some more of that, Sue undressed me. All the while she was gasping and moaning, licking her lips at me and going on about wanting me to have rigorous intercourse with her. She didn't use those words however.

It was a bit much, to be honest. I didn't quite believe it. It was like bad porn. But it was bad porn I was involved in and although she was a little over the top, she was real; she wasn't pixellated. Rather, she was warm and wet; she was all smells, tastes and noises, all over me.

When she pulled off my trousers and reached into my underpants, she got a little bit of a shock. 'Oh. My. God,' she said. Her mouth fell open and she looked at me. 'You never said you had a massive cock,' she said. I shrugged. It's not the sort of thing you just drop into a conversation. Not that we'd ever had a conversation.

Sue's mouth was only the second mouth that had ever conferred oral pleasure upon my penis, and as she slobbered on it, she looked up at me and moaned. She was very spitty was Sue. She spat into her hand and rubbed it all over my penis and balls. She spat onto the head and rubbed it in with her tongue. She looked into my eyes, dribbled down her chin and said, 'I really want your fucking big cock in me.' And then I came. Boof! Just like that. Quite unexpectedly. And rather a lot.

'Sorry about that,' I said, but Sue didn't seem to mind at all. If anything, she was overjoyed. Pushing me back onto the bed, she climbed on top of me, rubbing my sperm into my stomach and chest. 'Move up the bed,' she said. I moved. 'Give me your hands,' she said. I gave.

Then she attached one of the handcuffs and slipped the other round the back of the bars of the bedstead. 'Give me your other hand,' she said. I hesitated. Then I gave her my hand. She cuffed me to the bed. Then she pulled a couple of lengths of sex-rope (as I believe it's called) from behind the bed and tied my feet, one to each corner of the bottom of the bed, tight.

Then she got off me and took off the rest of her clothes. Then she opened a drawer in a bedside table and pulled out some kind of kitchen implement. A long headed spatula. I recognised it as an IKEA spatula. She used it to slap my stomach. 'Ow,' I said. She slapped me again, harder. 'OW!' I said. It stung. As the stinging sensation subsided, it was replaced by a slightly cold shiver as a wave of panic coursed through me. I suddenly realised I was in an incredibly vulnerable and potentially dangerous situation.

Sue then produced an mp3 player and pushed the headphones into my ears. She turned on the music. It was the Teaches of Peaches CD. What on earth was going on? I said, 'What are you doing?' but I couldn't hear my own voice over the music. Then Sue lifted my head and popped a blindfold over my eyes. Then she wrapped something that I later discovered to be a bandage around and around my head, holding the blindfold and the earphones in place. My arms above my head began to ache. I wanted to be released.

I was scared.

But then she began to tease me, biting me, licking me, spitting on me, sucking, and occasionally slapping me with the spatula, and I became aroused. The fact of being deaf and blind seemed to both dull and sharpen the sensations simultaneously. Sometimes Sue would get off the bed and I had no idea where she was or what was coming next. Sometimes minutes would pass and nothing happened. Slowly my penis would lose its rigidity and my scrotum would tense and shrivel in the cold calm of the moment. Not knowing what was going to happen next was both terrifying and exciting. It was charged. I felt on the verge of panic. Then suddenly there'd be ice on my testicles, hot candle wax on the shaft of my cock or some kind of greased-up butt plug being shoved violently in and out of my anus.

And scared though I was, I can't deny that it was very, very exhilarating. I'd never known anything like it.

Then she'd climb on me, lower her nether regions onto my face and her face onto my nether regions. Then she'd slide down my body and impale herself on me. Then she'd ride me roughly, violently, causing just as much pain as pleasure. I'd never been so much at someone's mercy before, and I can't deny that I liked it.

I realised just as soon as it started happening that I was having unsafe sex. I said something, but I didn't hear what I said and Sue made no attempt to answer me. As far as I know. I do know for sure however that she didn't stop to put a condom on me. If I'm completely honest, I think the threat of AIDS probably turned me on a bit too.

People are weird.

At some stage Sue was licking and sucking on my left nipple and I began to feel something wet and warm on my penis. Sue moved down my body, kissing her way down to my nethers. Then before she got there I felt my penis slipping into a mouth and being sucked and bitten. I cried out. Then another mouth took over. Then I was passed back and forth from mouth to mouth.

Was this Cathy? Someone else?

Not knowing what was going on was disconcerting as hell, but hot. So hot in fact, that with two tongues wriggling over the end of my penis, I came again.

Than I had some of my own sperm spat into my mouth.

People are really weird.

It didn't stop there however. Slowly, once again, I was teased back to life, more or less - I'd lost a lot of feeling by this stage and was finding it difficult to tell - but things continued for another half hour or so. Then, quite suddenly, the music was stopped in the middle of a song. Then my head was unbandaged and the blindfold and earphones removed. Sue stood beside the bed, looking at me, not smiling. At the foot of the bed was a tall thin man with white spiky hair and a video camera pointed at me.

I looked at him, shook my head, looked up at Sue.

'What's going on?' I asked.

'You're gonna be fucking famous, mate,' said the guy with the camera in a thick Scouse accent.

Sue leant over me and unlocked the handcuffs. I sat up, soothed my aching arms and tried to massage some feeling back into them.

'What are you talking about?'

'You've just made your first porn film,' said the guy. 'You're a fucking porn star, mate. A fat fucking ugly fucking porn star.'

Sue untied my feet.

'What?' I said. 'You… you can't do that.'

'Done it, mate,' said the guy. 'It's done and dusted and there's not a fucking thing you can do about it.'

'Don't be ridiculous,' I said. At which point the guy put down the camera and pulled a Leatherman knife out of a back pocket. He took out the blade, came round the side of the bed and stuck it under my chin. He did all this very quickly. 'What did you say?' he said. 'What did you fucking say?' He was all chains, piercings and tattoos by the way. He was - at a guess - something of a psychopath.

'OK,' I managed. 'Take it easy.'

'Just get him the fuck out of here, Tom,' said Sue, and with that she picked up some clothes and left the room.

'You wanna watch your fucking mouth, son,' said Tom. 'How much money have you got?'

When I didn't answer, he headbutted and slapped me.

Eventually I was allowed to get dressed and leave the house. Tom went through my pockets and found out where I lived. 'Mention this to anyone,' he said, 'and somebody will come round to your house, and they'll kill ya.' Then he took £20 from my pocket and pushed me out the front door.

I walked quickly until I was out of sight of the front door, then I stood still, took out my phone and called the police. I explained exactly what had happened, adding that I'd been robbed and threatened with a knife.

The police arrived within ten minutes. I was still there. I met them at the front door. Tom tried to make a run for it through the back garden, but was caught and arrested. Sue was arrested too. I spent most of the next day making statements and looking for somewhere new to live. I stayed with friends for four days, then moved to a different part of London. Three months later I had an AIDS test. I was fine.

I found out from the police that Tom and Sue's house was full of porn they'd shot. They produced ultra-low quality DVDs and flogged them in pubs and over the internet. They had a site. They were DIY pornographers. As far as I could piece together they were trying to put together a series of films featuring ugly men. Beauty and the Beast stuff. They'd made one previously. It was for sale online. It was called Ugly Fuckers. Part One. I was to be Part Two.

I felt like a donkey in a real bestiality film. Except of course I'd consented.

I still fear that some day, somehow, that film is going to turn up on the internet somewhere. Every now and then, I search 'ugly' on YouPorn expecting to see myself tied to a bed, bandaged, buggered and loving it. Whenever it's not there, I feel enormous relief. And a tiny, tiny part of me feels disappointed.

People are absolutely fucking mental.

I've only told two other people this story before. I'm not overly proud of it. In fact, I'm more proud of having a kitten lick my glans than I am of this.

Oh, one good thing to come out of it was a visit from a Victim Support lady, which I wasn't expecting and then completely forgot about. Then, about 15 months later, I received a cheque for over £800. That made it almost entirely worthwhile. Almost.

So, after that experience, I swore to myself that even if it took another two years, I wanted the next woman I got naked with to actually like me, even just a little bit.

In the end it did take another two years.

But she did like me.

So that's good.

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Anonymous said...

Fuck. Ing. Hell.

And that is all I have to say on the matter. I greatly admire your candour.

Anonymous said...

Ugh. Terrible. Have you written about this before? I'd think writing it down would be cathartic somehow.

So, does this mean someone, a real-life girl, likes you now? Because Avril came before Sue and Tom. Right?

Oh my.


Carolina said...

What. The. Fuck! My god you are a strong soul. Here's hoping that your new something "astonishing and wonderful" works out in all best ways!

Canuckian's Evil Twin said...

holy shit. how horrible that it happened to you but kudos for calling the police as soon as you did, and for being brave enough to tell your story!

Ginny said...

What. The. Fuck.

I really want to give you a huge big hug. And I'd quite like to beat the shit into all the fuckers who've ever done such horrible things to such a lovely person.

You really are amazing. How can you be so chipper after all the shit that's happened to you?

And I hope the new "Astonishing and wonderful" is...well, just that, actually.

MarkF said...

God there are some awful people out there. But it is just some, just some.

Thank god you made it through this and had the strength to call the Police and stop this happening for others.

Anonymous said...

I collect DIY porn and have got a copy of 'Ugly Fuckers Part 2'. I can send it to you for a small fee, just enough to cover postage.

Good luck with the astonishing & wonderful stuff. It didn't take you long, did it? You've only been blogging 5 minutes and already your prayers have been answered. Hope that doesn't signal an end to this site?

I take back my comments on an earlier post - you're not an arse (nor is Keith by the way). I am an arse for suggesting you're both arses. What an arse I am. And yes, I am a prolific poster. But only here (I can't be arsed with any other blogs).

Anyway, don't go getting all fat and lazy again, just because you've been introduced to astonishing & wonderful.

By the way, I was only joking about 'Ugly Fuckers' - I'll pay for the postage.

Hendo said...

This is the best post I have ever read, bar none.

Anonymous said...

Bonjour La Bête,

Why is it all bloggers have to do this teasing "you know what ? ... oh no, I can't tell now !" thing.
And us, readers, we always fell in this trap and get frustrated.
Good for you anyway if it is that wonderful.
Vivement la suite !

Uncle Did

Anonymous said...

No wonder you're a wierdo.

Anonymous said...

Amazing...what a frightening, exciting, tragic story.

But in all honesty, I'm rather hoping that this is just some kind of Big fish tail.

I'm not calling you a liar.
I just really don't want to imagine that this could happen or do I?

I just can't decide whether this story glorifies the sex or is supposed to make me terrifed of it. Actually, I think it's done both.

Your experience left me with some questions:

Was it just that that Sue didn't ask if you wanted to be filmed? Was having someone else filming, particularly, a man, the thing that bothered you? What if "Cathy" had been the one filming and no man was involved? Was it their intent to distribute the film, the thing that bothered you? Would you have been willing to let her keep it, if it was just a personal memento?

So many questions...

I hope that AMAZING is all you expected it to be and then some. What's more, I hope that AMAZING has something to do with finding a lady. A lady who will not only sleep with you, but genuinely likes you.

It would probably be a plus if she doesn't look like a creature from The Dark Crystal.
Although, to be truthful, those Riddlers are cute and I love the Dark Crystal :-)

Hope you have a great day!

Di Gallagher said...

You know what? Despite this being a very interesting tale and all, I am far more interested in 'astonishing and wonderful' and hope that it's fantastic.

Anonymous said...

I can't imagine how tough it must have been to write this. Remembering everything, leaving nothing out. It's shocking to read and I do sincerely hope that writing it has helped in some way.
Good luck with the thing-you-won't-tell us!

Anonymous said...

Good grief. I am stunned by how well you were able to put that across, given how hideous the whole thing must have been. Much sympathies.
But also hurrah re mysterious lady friend - hope you are allowed to tell us more at some point!


Anonymous said...

You have to wonder what happened to those people to make them so vile. Is it wrong of me to hope it was something really appalling?

Did they go to prison in the end? I certainly bloody hope so.

On a happier note, congratulations on the something wonderful and I can't wait to hear about it, you big tease!


Louche said...

Well done for surviving that, and bloody well done for calling the police.

Glamourpuss said...

What was the £880 for?


La Bête said...

Thank you all for your comments. They really mean a lot.

Tamara – yes!

Anonymous arse – you’re funny. I’ll try not to get all fat and lazy again, although to be fair, I’m still quite fat.

Selena – what really bothered me was being filmed without my permission, then being headbutted and mugged. If they had been upfront about it, I might well have gone along with it. I don’t know. Maybe not. But maybe.

Vicky – I believe Tom went to prison, yes, as he was involved in lots of other stuff, including drug dealing and a little bit of battery. Sue wasn't imprisoned. I'm not sure she did anything illegal.

Puss – the money was compensation for a combination of the physical violence and the psychological damage – I kind of exaggerated the latter a bit when I was filling in the form. Actually, no I didn’t. I was genuinely frightened for quite along time afterwards, and I did move house because of it all.

Bittersweet said...


ghastly yet somehow thrilling. I am pleased that there were no major after effects for you.

Anonymous said...

Dear Bete,

I figured it was the filming without your consent aspect, that was the most invasive(hmmm...not sure is that's the proper word to describe the feeling), but it couldn't hurt to ask.

Plus, I totally forgot about the head butt; assault with deadly weapon, and mugging- that happened at the end. Oops! Sorry I guess my mind was still trying to wrap around the rest of the ordeal.

Sufficed to say, I would have been a bit miffed too ;-) Miffed, is obviously an understatement.

Thanks for the reply and I hope you have a fantastic weekend


Unknown said...

And I think I have it bad! I promise not to complain about my rotten lot for the rest of the weekend.

Anonymous said...

This is for blogger Michael. Do you have a blog or what? I clicked on your name but couldn't find a link to your blog. Please advise.



Unknown said...

I'm afraid I've never dared to take the plunge and actually start a blog Tamara, and given the unremitting dullness of my day to day life I'm sure the world blesses my reticence!

Roszs said...

Blinkin' hell, that's quite a story. Well done on going to the police, that took some guts indeed.

Geeky Tai-Tai said...

Whew! That was a terrifying story. I'm so glad that you're OK now, and that you will eventually fill us in on the "astonishing and wonderful" details soon.

Rachel said...

Jesus. I'm so sorry that you were sexually assaulted by these scummy bastards and robbed and humiliated and abused. And I'm so damn pleased that you called the police and they were nicked.

And I'm very pleased about the astonishing and wonderful stuff.

rob said...

Flamebait this may be, but I cry shenanigans. I do not for one second doubt that people that fucked up exist, or that they make bizarre DIY porn (rule 34). But why trick people into being involved, when a 3 line Craigslist ad would net you all the perverts you need for an entire string of movies? Very well written though...

Vulgar Wizard said...

Oh. My. God.

What a complete mindfuck, among other things. Jesus. I would never have been able to function in a relationship from then on. That would have messed me up far worse than I already am. Jesus.

Sky said...

That is crazy! Whenever something crazy happens to me, someone always says "at least you got a good story out of it" and that is what I say to you.

Anonymous said...

Blimey. That is one ginormous headfuck. And a hell of a story.
But stil. Blimey. What a nightmare. And how well, and again honestly, told.

surly girl said...


Anonymous said...

That was absolutely terrifying. Kudos for not only coming through it but being able to write with humour about it.

Anonymous said...

Jesus Fucking Christ. I've found you through Post of the Week, read your significant moments and I think I'm instantly hooked.

Your writing is excellent - clearly much better than most of your life experiences. You've got guts to write this stuff down (anonymously on the internet). :-)

Mina McKay said...

Youre incredibly brave for sharing this...that is so cruel. Even braver for telling the police. Hopefully it wont happen to someone else because you came forward.

Im a new reader by the way..Ive been scanning the archives.

Tea said...

Oh my god!! What a horrendous experience... and you`re very brave to be able to write about it and thank God you got away from them safely and were able to call the police. There are so many souls full of decay walking the streets amongst the good.


Lady Julia said...

I sat reading this with a few tears trickling down my cheeks, hoping because it was so horrible that you're simply an incredible storyteller and all this is a creation of your mind. If not, I'm glad you were able to move past it.

Best wishes for much happiness.

lilianavonk said...

Okay, I know it's been over a year since you posted this, but nonetheless, I'm compelled to say that just like the others, I just wanna give you a big ole snuggly-wuggly hug about now.

Serious, major props for standing up for yourself, though. So many people would have gone home, locked the door and hid for the next six months, but you had the cojones--bruised as they undoubtedly were--to bring those bastards to account for their actions..also deftly substantiating my longtime ethos that karmic payback is a bitch (as am I...yeah, yeah, yeah).

SO going to have to get your book now, btw. Bless Lisa for passing along the link. :)

Anonymous said...

Came across your blog and am now addicted. Oh and I may be your furthest away reader too! I'm in Chile! (But from the UK originally).
Love your writing, you are truly inspirational but I am so so sorry to hear you went through this. How horrendous. Hoping that writing this down helped you somehow let go of the memory and allowed you to move on..

Much love. xxxx

p.s: we are all beautiful; ugliness does not exist.

Anonymous said...

Not sure if this is a tall tale or real but as a man of fairly severe ugliness I can sympathise with the daft decisions we men make when the little soldier is in charge.

Anonymous said...

Reading that stuff makes me ashamed to be human. You're so much better than that. They're the ugly ones, the beasts, and you write beautifully. I believe in karma :)