Tuesday, 11 March 2008

How to Find Love Using Totally Idiotic Videos

Last night I stumbled across Video Jug, a site devoted to short ‘how to’ videos that cover everything from ‘How to Kiss Someone Passionately’ and ‘How to Put on a Condom’ to more serious stuff like ‘How Did AIDS Become a Pandemic?’ and ‘How Can I Examine Myself For Cancer?’ to really idiotic stuff like ‘How to Avoid Trapped Arm Whilst Cuddling in Bed’ and ‘How to Hide an Unwanted Erection’. Some of it is clearly supposed to be funny. But isn’t. Some of it supposed to be genuinely helpful. But isn’t.

In fact, everything I’ve watched so far has been uniformly hideous and insulting. This is from the Kiss Passionately film:

‘When you think about it, putting your lips onto another person’s lips and moving them about is an odd thing to do. But do it right and it can be a wonderful experience.’

Is it odd? It's not odd. On French kissing:

‘This kind of kissing was not invented by the French, although they’re probably quite good at it.’

Are they? Why, because they’re French? Ugh. Horrible horrible horrible. They also define ‘necking’ as ‘kissing and nibbling the neck’. Is it? I’m no expert but I thought it was just another name for kissing. Anyone?

Oh, God. Whatever you do, if you suspect your child is gay, don’t watch the film entitled ‘What to Do If You Suspect Your Child Is Gay’. But do take a moment to check out the very creepy Dominic Davies. The man who puts the ‘rapist’ in ‘psychotherapist’. Oh, and the ‘psycho’. He puts the ‘psycho’ in too.

Video Jug's tagline is 'Life Explained. On Film.' I don't know how long they've been going, but I wish to God they'd stop.

Before they stop however, one film they should definitely make on is ‘How to Get Rid of a Friend You Discover Actually Watches Video Jug Videos Seriously and Uses Them As a Genuine Source of Good Advice’.

Then they should stop.

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Canuckian's Evil Twin said...

yep, as far as i know necking, making out, snogging all refer to kissing (at length). :o)

Unknown said...

I normally agree with you on these things but I must say that I find VideoJug to be both amusing and informative.
For example, I wanted to learn how one makes an espresso without a big espresso machine and it explained it to me perfectly.
I can see how you might not necessarily find all the humour that entertaining but I imagine that that varies person to person.

Ginny said...

I had no idea what necking meant...actually quite glad it's been explained to me now. Unless it's wrong...hmmm.

*jumps on Wikipedia*

Here we go.

"Necking can refer to:

* Making out, a term for heavy kissing, and particularly kissing of the neck
* The process by which a ductile material deforms under tension forming a thin neck; see Necking (engineering) and Manufacturing.
* British slang for drinking a beverage (usually a pint of beer) in one go.
* Necking down: reducing the diameter of a firearm's barrel to fit a smaller cartridge [1].
* A behavior of giraffes (see giraffe#Necking)"

I'm now haunted by images of giraffes making out...

Anonymous said...

Ha! I found this site about a month ago and found it hysterical! Don't take it so seriously and you might get a giggle out of some of them as well.

Also, I thought necking was all about kissing/nibbling the neck as well. Have never heard it used as just another term for making out. Maybe it's a cultural thing?

Anonymous said...

the best video on there by far is how to hide an erection

Canuckian's Evil Twin said...

from my experience using and hearing the term "necking", it's always referred to lots of kissing...i'm sure kissing the neck occurs somewhere amongst all the other kisses (hence the "neck" in "necking"), but i don't think it's exclusive to the neck region only. :o)

maybe it IS a cultural thing? i'm canadian and a british friend of mine once mistook "making out" for having sex! maybe "necking" holds different meanings on either side of the pond.

who uses the term "necking" anymore anyway???

Unknown said...

Your post has just made me want to view videojug lol. Someone showed it to me and my then boyfriend just over a year ago and he got pretty addicted for a while. I think I found it mildly amusing but I can't quite remember, I am though, absolutely sure that I did like it.

Larry Teabag said...

Dear Bête, can you help? I suspect that my son may be turning into a sinister quack, and am really worried that he'll spend his life dishing out rotten advice in a goggle-eyed monotone to any bastard who'll listen. What should I do??

Killashandra said...


this is brilliantly funny
I had stumbled across videojug whilst looking for recipes (for pancakes maybe?) and looked at the other stuff... it used to be a bit better when there was much less of it, and less taking the piss, but is generally pretty hopeless

on the other hand i met someone a while back that was so hopeless that following videojug would be a huge improvement...

Anonymous said...

I've always found VideoJug kinda amusing ... I think I stumbled upon it when I was looking for makeup tips =) Just don't take it too seriously and you'll be fine. And have a laugh on the way.

Unknown said...

I quite like the videos that show you how to make sushi. The rest are pretty laughable though.

Love the blog btw.