Friday, 17 October 2008

Feedback Friday :: Low

Dead blog, dead blog.

I’m not sure I can keep this up.

I’m having a bad time.

I’m pissed off.

Since I got back from Burnley on Wednesday, I’ve been in and out of London on public transport for reasons of work. And I know I’m not well mentally because I find myself despising people with a passion which is clearly disproportionate. I’m like Grenouille in Perfume. I even despise their smell. Everyone stinks. And they talk the most infuriating, banal, stupid nonsense. Everywhere I turn, smoke, farts, cloying scents, alcohol, Jesus Army, television, views. I posted Howard Beale last week. I’ve since become him. Minus the compassion.

And my online life has changed too. In spare moments, which are few and far between at the moment, I’ve been trying to write about my dad. My mum. My family. My childhood. And I can’t. I just can’t do it. What I’m writing is turgid, overblown, judgmental, dull. And I can’t do it. This is the first time this year that writing for this blog has not come easy, and it disturbs me.

Another thing that disturbs me is that every time I lift the lid of my laptop, there is a new comment from my resident loon. On average I’m getting two a day now. I didn’t want to mention it because I don’t want to encourage her. Or him. But it’s starting to do my head in. It’s starting to get really disturbing. In the middle of one I received yesterday or the day before was the line, ‘I’m scared of myself and who I am’. As well as the general overall freaky tone of the comments, what worries me is that I’m starting to understand what this person is going through.

I feel like I’m one step away from a serial killer movie.

Plus I’ve been trying to find somewhere to live on Gumtree and in the process I’ve been bombarded with Nigerian scammers trying to get me to transfer money to a friend or relative using Western Union, so that they can then steal it. This scam has even made it onto the news. As far as I can see however, it’s got to be a piece of cake to fake a transaction and catch these fuckers red-handed when they go their nearest money-wiring agent and attempt to pick up the cash. I’ve been trying to convince people at Gumtree or Western Union to help me, but all I’m getting is stock responses, unanswered telephone calls and morons who are basically doing a job they simply don’t give a damn about. And this fucks me off immeasurably. I’ve actually been trying to do something decent, trying to do a good thing, to help people, and I’m being stonewalled every step of the way. No one gives a fuck. Except the scammers. They work hard. But nobody else could actually care less. Fine. So be it.

And now I’ve got to commute into London. The writer I’ve been doing research for wants me to do more but suddenly he wants me to do it from his home, sitting in the same room as him. Why, I don’t know. Presumably so he can keep an eye on me, make sure I’m concentrating hard enough. He isn’t paying me enough, frankly, to enjoy this level of supervision. Plus he farts. It’s hideous. I’ve asked him not to but he finds my discomfort amusing. I despise him. I despise everyone. Even the research he has me doing has turned dull. I was better off writing financial copy. At least I could do that from the privacy of my own stench.

And on top of that, everywhere I turn there are fuckwits like Giles Hattersley, the writers of Scallywagga and the readers of thelondonpaper and frankly, I don’t know how long it’s going to be before I find myself a couple of semi-automatics and bring Hungerford to the city.

When did my life turn into this thing that I dislike so vehemently? How did that happen?


It's amazing how quickly a little perspective can fade.

Anyway, how are you? No, not you, you psychopath. You. Doing anything nice this weekend?

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Catofstripes said...

You poor old beast. I thought about this a bit and I'm guessing you're going to get quite a lot of loving from the usual suspects so I'm taking a more mothering tone!

At the risk of sounding unforgivably trite it's just a phase you're going through. It will pass and you have to be man enough to see it through. If you give up now then all the progress, all the new knowledge of yourself, all the hope for the future might just go straight down the pan. Take a deep breath and think about it tomorrow, today you've got to get on with stuff and live.

As for that stalker, it must really wear you down. I don't know what you have in the way of stat tracking but can you pin the bugger to an ISP and ask them for help to get him/her blocked? Whatever, don't take responsibility for this person, it's not your job or your fault. I know they are probably genuinely sad and disturbed but you won't be able to help them and you mustn't encourage them.

Take care, Bête, even though I don't know you from Zebeedee I've become curiously interested in your welfare.

Misssy M said...

Why don't you write to the Beeb Watchdog people and offer yourself up as scammer bait? (I'm assuming the programme is still on- haven't seen it in years)

I hope your black dog wanders off soon, or at least gets banged up in the pound for a spell. It's not surprising that you are feeling down after everything that's being going on this last fortnight, though.

But still, if you are going to be a psychopath, the protagonist of Perfume (one of my favourite books) is, at least, a work of art.

(and would all financial writing at the mo not just be full of phrases like We're all Dooooomed!" and "It wasn't us that did it, guvnor! Honest!"

Michael said...

I think this video sums up your state of mind at present:

Peach said...

ah, dude, I'm with you - you may have seen my status on FB as "Fed up with everyone being tuned to Cunt FM" - for a few weeks, trouble is, it was me broadcasting too, if you see what I mean. Shit is indeed everywhere. But, you won't believe me (and the mood you're in, you'll hate me for the positivity) but this will pass...

Enjoy your farting man, and don't write about your family - start a new book entitled Why I Fucking Hate Everyone and Everything and you might just see the humour in it. I am the new Basil Fawlty without a Sybil to take it out on, I feel like being fucking rude to everyone and am surprised at how objectionable i find myself.

It will pass

well i fucking hope so

XXX kisses anyway, even though they'll just (probably) piss you off XXX

not a psychopath, hen said...

Bete, I despise everyone every day. After all, what's to like about humans? No, REALLY. I'm not just making conversation here. Humans are the most turgid of the animal world. They really are. And I hate them. Daily. Hourly. Minute by minute. Every seeping second.

Luckily I seem to be blessed(?) with a chemical balance in my brain that allows me to smile through my hatred. It can be very confusing for me, though, and I feel your pain. No, I really do. I get it. For what it is worth, I get what you are feeling.

Nothing planned for this weekend. Some guy is coming over this eveing to service our boiler, but that's about it.

Anastasia said...

I can relate. I keep my commutes to the city (of Sydney) to the bare minimum; I can't stand looking at office workers, their dull outfits (Sydney office workers are the worst dressed people in the world), creased everything, Crocs, banal reading material (90% of females read silly women's magazines that offer shit advice like, 'why doesn't he call' - simple really, because he doesn't like you? dir).

It makes you wonder about writers doesn't it? Them requiring others to do research for them either because they can afford it, their laziness (and then they call themselves writers) and so on.

This weekend is Bondi Sculptures by the Sea for me, hopefully to find my inner muse again, even though I think I'll only end up crankier once I see 'art' that sells for thousands, that is either a) ugly b) basic (a sheath of vivid pink plastic covering a rock) and c)overpriced.Ah well, I need a good laugh.

hayley said...

oh poor bete, don't feel too down, your blog is lovely.

Anonymous said...

hello mate,

Maybe you've taken all those JD Salinger (or whatever, I've been drking and I an't remember) comments too seriously, but you know you can't be Salinger all the time. He wasn't.So don't worry about that.

As for the loons, well, more and more people are reading your blog so proportionally you are going to get idiots. They probably weren't breastfed enough and are taking it out on you.

If the scammers are bothering you, see here: for ways to deal with them. Or just look in the gallery or the letters for a hearty laught.

this isn't very elopent, I'm sitting here with my kfc and trying to type and drink. Disgusting, I'm ma disgustin human being.

hve a lovely weekend xxx

isabelle said...

I'm sorry you feel like this and I can't offer much comfort on the London side of things. For me, being inside tubes and crowds and cities still feels like some exciting film set making me wide eyed. ( but then I don't visit cities very often ). But, on the writing front, one of the first things I ever read of yours was about Pablo. It was beautifully written Stan,it made me cry. For Pablo dying, for the relationship you had with your Mother and for the way you linked the two. I hope you don't stop writing. Sometimes , I think it's best to write with the mind that no one will ever read it, but that's just me.
Well, I hope your sadness lifts, have a good weekend, I'm working as usual.

Anonymous said...

Hey Bete

Sorry you're feeling a little 'fed-up'. Don't worry everyone in London gets angry with other commuters, be it on the streets when you're in the rush and they're taking a stroll, or on the tube when they muscle in at the last minute and you end up crushed against the door or up someone's smelly armpit! How does one not get angry. I'd go back to that 'space' that lives inside of you. Forget the external shite for a little, pick it up when you're ready. When you want to. I'd recommend 'Solitude' by A Storr...Have a good weekend, a peaceful one. Know that everything, the good, bad and even the ugly and angry passes.


Boz said...

"..on public transport for reasons of work. And I know I’m not well mentally because I find myself despising people with a passion which is clearly disproportionate."

No, no. That sounds quite normal to me. I quite often sit on the tube and imagine taking people out with all manner of weaponry. I'm sure that's acceptable behaviour.

When I'm feeling crap I never get around to blog posting, I just piss off and look at lolcatz or somehting, but that's the kind of hideous human being I fear I am.

I hope the weekend is better!

Lauri Shaw said...

Sounds like it's time to take a holiday and rediscover some of that perspective?

It would be a shame if you quit blogging. I look forward to reading your posts.

Timorous Beastie said...

Well, if it's any consolation, I hate complete strangers most of the time because of such crimes as the way they walk or the fact that they sniff. My boyfriend always tries to embroil the scammers in long, pointless email conversations, giving them bank details like "Uwanka Banka". I love your blog too - the writing is always great, so not everything's going wrong, eh?

BenefitScroungingScum said...

From having gone through family crap and tried to write about some of it, I think that ppl massively underestimate how traumatic it is to relive all those experiences. I think it's probably similar to therapy, except harder because you're doing it without a nice couch to lie on.
As for the rest of it, well most of the North ain't like Burnley/Blackburn/Bolton wherever B place you were. Maybe you just need to get out of London for a while?
I hope you feel better soon anyway, Bendy Girl x
PS Blog stalkers are the one way bloggers know we've made it!
You that is, not me. Even my blog stalker left. I must've bored him to death.

Our Glamorous Heroine said...

Heartbreak is a fucking bitch. So's having people you care about being ill. And batshit stalkers are the icing on the shit sandwich. Or something. It's unsurprising that you're having a tough time. Still, I hope it passes soon.

Commuting brings out the arsehole in everyone. Consider this exchange:

OGH: [upon reaching Waterloo East and wishing to leave the train, politely] Excuse me.
Woman Commuter: [tetchily] Wait a minute would you! I'm balancing!
OGH: Oh! Well if that's the case feel free to make me miss my stop.

See? What a pair of arseholes.

Oh, and if you want some unintentional hilarity, don't despair! The Daily Mail recently printed fifteen free reasons to be cheerful. The comments are predictably hilarious too.

Take care.

Anonymous said...

You need a shag, kiddo x

Ann Anon

Wisewebwoman said...

Sometimes the muse is with us, sometimes she pops off to a better planet for a while.
I drop in on my neighbour and I say:
Say, whatcha doin' with the gun, John?
And he say:
I can't make up my mind as to who goes first.
I say:
Let me know, blood and brains make an awful mess.

We all have days like that.

Nothing less than a virtual AK47.

Anonymous said...

Poor you! I hate commuting too. Get out this weekend and sit on top of a green hill overlooking a sleepy ancient village. Always calms me right down. However, there are no sleepy ancient villages in Oregon, but sitting by the Rogue River and gazing out at the mountains is really quite nice. Go find something green.

Maria in Oregon

Alright Tit said...

Oh man, you're so right. The one great thing about cancer is that it's meant I haven't had to commute since June. It's almost worth it, I tells ya.

Shimacat said...

The Tube is almost as bad as East Midlands Airport, somewhere I hoped to experience a lot less after moving north, but it's not worked that way. You wouldn't think a place so small could be worthy of so much emotion. But no! I did Heathrow and East Mids this week and I'd take Heathrow any time.

Hate, spite, bile and venom are the only things that get me through. I hate each person there, uniquely and passionately. I despise the way that each time I go through, some new form of indignity is there to be experienced.

What really gets me going, though, is the way that, when commuting, you are simultaneously treated like an ignorant child and a potential terrorist. It is enough, sometimes, to fill me to splenetic apoplexy, but then I think that if they put me off the plane, I'll have o be in East Mids Airport for longer.

As my fabulous fiance told me; "it must be making you stronger because you're not dead yet."

Lauren said...

The most difficult things to do are the things that you need to do the most.

The Princess said...

Just thank your lucky stars that you don't work with a whole office of people who simply can't understand that it's not 'moaning' it's being discerning and who read The Sun on their lunch hour and talk in crass detail about their sex lives.

Then take a moment to appreciate the fact that you are not being sexually harassed by an aging, chronically unattractive married woman who is physically unable to prevent herself from grabbing your ass.

Yeah, it can all seem a bit shit at times... I try to magnify the simple pleasures (like the colour of the leaves at this time of year)to get me through.


Dan said...

Give the blog a rest if you can't be arsed with it. Either that or force yourself to do it every day for a week. I've done both and both methods worked for me.

as for the nigerian spam mail, have you ever come across this site:

Worth a read.

Lilith said...

Hola B!

I hope you feel better soon - sounds silly, but I guess that feeling better is all you need right now.

About not standing people, well... it happens to me too many times, trust me.
Have you ever read any of Ortega y Gasset philosophy?
He said once: "Hell is the others".
And you know what? I couldnt agree more. Though maybe I would add that the more ignorant that are others, the more hell they are. It makes me feel a bit bad saying this: but it seems to me that those who are more stupid (no education, analphabets, etc) are more evil than the people who has a bit of knowlegde. It seems as if having some wisdom usually makes people more human and caring. Of course, there are people who cant access education (due to economical lack of resources, etc) and they are "iletrados" but not neccesarily bad people. That also seems curious: that people who have less or nothing tend to be such great human beings...
Anyway,excuse my poor english, isnt my mother tongue.

You cant be inspired all the time. So chill out and enjoy this "break" - the Muses, the nine of them! - will visit you soon again and you will continue to write as you have been doing so far.
I think that the honesty with which you write what you write is what makes it so beautiful.
Maybe because truth is beauty.
And you seem so real.

Crisis always mean changes, so lets see what will come out from this.

Cheer up you grumpy! :P

Un beso,

Lilith said...

PS. it wasnt Ortega y Gasset who said "Hell are others", it was Sartre, sorry for the lapsus!

Holly Hall said...

Seriously, this is much too boring.

Don't read this.

You have a good weekend.



Well, we'll prol'l go to the park, maybe the zoo. Definitely pancakes on sunday morning and roast chicken on sunday nite (traditions) We will change about 5-8 diapers per day. Walk the dog twice, do 7 loads of laundry. Begin to pack. Do yard work. Have a bit of the maritals while the little ones are napping.

Life can boring and exhausting at the same time with little ones. Hmm.

It's good though. Lots of love. Sending some your way :)

Anonymous said...

Fucking stalker. They're a bloody nightmare. Mine tried to tell my boss that I'm a paedophile, although fortunately he didn't get terribly far (incidentally, no, I'm not, thank you very much). Don't let her into your head. As for despising people, it's impossible not to when you're crammed between a sweaty armpit and a hairy chest on the tube. Although you're probably not a short-arse like me, so you may be above such things as armpits. I hope you are, armpits sound like the last thing you need.

This weekend? I'm going to attempt to sort out the chaos in my house, move the furniture around, and then, if I have time, sit in front of my laptop and beat myself up about the state of my PhD. Good times.

Chin up, love. Go and see if the neighbour will let you borrow her cat.

Anonymous said...

Individual people are grand beasts, but the species as a whole is utter shite. 'Tis nothing new.

My way of getting through some bloody ugly moods, and deep disgust with people, is to focus on something "interesting". I've no idea what that might be for you at any one time, but I can become more tolerant of walking through a busy street at lunchtime, full of necrotic idiots, by distracting myself through examining shoes... yes, you read that right.

The game: don't look at the person above ankle height, just examine their shoes. Try to work out what their socioeconomic status is, then look up and see if you might be right.

On dreary rainy days, full of sour people, I examine beautiful things (architecture, trees... ) - it can be such a mood elevator.

It's about finding your inner child again and letting him play. Find that joy and wonder in the things around you, and with it comes an ability to have inner happiness. Being happy shouldn't involve other people, because that means also opening oneself up to sadness and anger based on other people. If the people are shit, remove them from your interaction with the world. Yes, it can be done even with them crushed up against you. Do not permit them entry.

You're a lovely crazy chap. This time will pass and you'll move in happier realms again.


Miss Snuffleupagus said...

You've got a fab blog. Don't end it!

Zoe said...

I'm sorry things are so rough for you.

You are a fantastic writer, I'll miss you if you go, but you need to do what is best for you. How about another little break like you did a couple of months ago?

x x

Nick Tann said...

I'm 1 week in on the vegetarian Atkins diet and fucking loving it.
I've come out of my depression following my gig at Chaplins, I'm sure you know as you must read MY blog religiously. Ha!
Just comeback from an AGM where Mrs Nick gave a fantastic speech and I was most proud.
My daughter is over for the weekend which is always fantastic.
Look chap, you can't stop blogging. Surley you have a responsibility now to us lovely folk who read you dailey. Shit I've even added some facebook blog thingy to keep up to date with it all.
What is your truck with Nigerian? I received a wonderful from a young Nigerian Princess who has been dispossessed from her diamond, gold and treacle mine by some dastardly rebels. I'm set to gain around 800 million Nigerian wotnots any day now. Actually come to think of it I haven't heard from her since I gave her my bank details two weeks ago. Still, I'm sure she's a busy woman and will send me news of my windfall soon., won't she?

Rose said...

I've always despised people as a whole. Hell, I've hated (and still hate) entire regions and all the people that reside in them.
The good news is that sometimes you'll find the 'diamond in the rough.'
Cheesy and cliche, yes. But true.
And this makes the 'diamond' much more special because there's so much difference between it and the shit(nutcases included).
Or some such rot.

About the blog, I've been having that problem too. I'll start typing something, read it back and see that it's utter tripe and delete the whole thing. Then come back in a few days to start the whole process again.
Sometimes, nothing but tripe is all I can post.
But don't force yourself, because it's just going to make you resent the blog and that won't be good for anyone.

This weekend, I'm going to do nothing constructive at all: give a friend a ride to work, play with the new kitten and lay about in my own filth(just because I can).

Mina McKay said...

Cant you block certain crazy anon commenters based on their IP addresses? If not, thats lame. I hate people too.

Amy said...

I can completely related to the hating-people thing. It scares me sometimes how much I want to take a gun to the general world. Charlie Brooker once wrote "I don't get people. What's their appeal, precisely? They waddle around with their haircuts on, cluttering the pavement like gormless, farting skittles. They're awful" and I don't think a truer word has ever been written.

Nothing I say will or can make you feel any better, so I'll just say that I hope you don't stop Blogging because it would throw me into a Blog-reading-withdraw that I may never return from.

Claire said...

I'd miss you if you were gone. But you have to do the best thing for you too. x

Anonymous said...

Cheer up you miserable bastard
It could be worse

Larry Teabag said...

My blog's deader than yours!

I can't offer general life-advice, but definitely don't let the blog be a mill-stone round your neck. If you're sick of it, then give it a rest, and come back fresh when the urge takes you. I guess most people read by RSS feeds these days, so your readers should be here waiting whenever you make your triumphant return.

Actually I can offer one bit of general life advice. Look after yourself, physically. Stick at the exercises and lay off the sugar puffs. If you can work out your frustration swimming, or whatever, rather than turning it in on yourself or taking it out on some blog nutter, or random commuter, then you'll do ok. Physical and mental health are certainly linked, so why not focus on the physical? I know, far easier said than done. But look, pack in the blogging if you want, but don't give up on that, please.

Wishing you well, anyhow.

La Bête said...

Aw. I really love all of your comments. Thank you. I've said it before and I'll say it again - they mean a massive amount to me and I really appreciate them enormously.

And thanks OGH for that Daily Mail link. Just what I needed at the start of a whole new week of hell, the mindfuck of being told that all my problems will be solved if I watch Harry fucking Enfield and Paul pisspoor Whitehouse on the twatbox.

Have an excellent week, everyone.

Clare Sudders said...

So you hate everyone. Don't we all, when we're depressed or in a bad mood? Enjoy it while it lasts, it can be fun. Skvish a few people's heads.

The loon. Ignore ignore IGNORE. The more air time you give them, the more you fuel them. If you don't give them the satisfaction of a response, they'll get bored eventually and go away.

Writing about family. Don't force it. It'll come out when it wants to come out, probably when you least expect it. Maybe you're just not ready yet. Try writing something private instead, just for you. Or leave it 'til it flows of its own accord.

The writer who wants you to breathe their farts. They are making unreasonable demands. Tell them so. You're within your rights.

Generally, {{HUGS}}. This too shall pass.

Clare Sudders said...

And don't forget music.

Anonymous said...

Everyone is despicable.

You're normal.

Don't panic.

Anonymous said...

Oh yes! Music! Always uplifting. Yesterday I played my fiddle for the first time in months, and it felt great. (My neighbours' ears may be bleeding, but I feel good!)

Maria in Oregon

Alex Alex said...

Aw Bete, don't go. :(