This is pretty much the stupidest thing you will see all year.
Enjoy.
Tuesday, 21 October 2008
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...an ugly man's guide to life, love and happiness.
Contact
If you would like to say hello or how'd you do or just give me a piece of your mind, please feel free to drop me a line at karlpwebster AT gmail DOT com. Thanks.
My Most Significant Moments...
- My First Time With A Lady
- My Second Time With A Lady
- My First Time With An Animal
- My First Time With A Virtual Lady
- My First Bash At Online Bingo
- My First Speed Date (Part One)
- My First Speed Date (Part Two)
- My Best Friend's Girl
- My First Real Grief
- My First Funeral For A Friend
- My First School Reunion
- My First Bout of Air Rage
- My First Attempt At Parody
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BROWSE INSIDE... but remember, once you've browsed, you are legally obliged to buy at least three copies.
What People Say About The Book
'Fave book of the year. Ace... I laughed lots and cried twice.'
'Glorious. Brutal, tragic, funny.'
'...one of the most exciting new literary talents of 2009.'
'Cattermole… has been described as one of the hottest literary talents of 2009. And his book is every bit as good as his blog….'
- Sky News
'...I enjoy reading Stan Cattermole’s writing as much as I enjoy Mark Twain and Charles Dickens and Kurt Vonnegut. In fact, I have rarely read anything more painfully humorous and delightfully moving.'
In a nutshell..
- La Bête
- I am a good man - loving and funny and true - wrapped in the body of a brutal, brutal mess. I also have a face like a bag of elbows. This is my curse. If you see me limping down a London street, do not judge me - because you do not know me. Just give me a smile, or if that proves too difficult, please try to look away without wincing. It really is the least you can do.
Qype. The London Entertainment Guide
Artist in Residence (although not this residence)
Feed de Jour
Confess Your Sins :: Cleanse Your Soul
Self-Publicity :: While My Own Trumpet Gently Weeps Spit…
‘I'm sorry but this blog is way too good for an amateur. It’s either William Leith or Irvine Welsh….’
- Hendo
'...superb, hovering somewhere between Dostoevsky, Wodehouse and Adrian Mole....'
- Tim Footman
‘Hilarious and hot, all in one. How refreshing.’
- Bittersweet-Me
‘Funny, well-written, touching… addictive and fast-gathering a cult following.’
- Rachel from North London
‘You are such a wanker, you really are! People like you make me wanna vomit. My got [sic] the world would be such a dull place if you had your way, wouldnt [sic] it?’
- Anonymous Sebastian Horsley fan
‘[Bete de Jour] is an awesome writer, and has the balls to write about some ridiculously personal stuff…. Read his 'significant moment' posts… they're all great, and revealing, and refreshingly honest.’
- TheTelf
‘I salute your great honesty, unless you made it up, in which case I salute your great dishonesty.’
- Larry Teabag
‘Wonderful, wonderful writing! I fear you've become my new addiction.’
- SJ
‘I bloody love MDMA. Yum yum.’
- Roszs Bif
‘You're hilarious!’
- Mary Setrakian
‘You know, I reckon with that whole self-effacing thing going on, you're not going to need to shell out for whores - we girls are suckers for that stuff….’
- Glamourpuss
‘Like other readers of your wittily-penned blog, I think you are likely to find your next partner by the power of your typing fingers and creative thoughts....’
- Shimacat
‘You are a beautiful person. Period.’
- Jessica Rae
‘I never even knew that cats liked marmite.’
- EmmaK
‘I love how you write, I love your Blog, and I love you.’
- Ginny
‘You write beautifully, BDJ. This can only spring from the beauty you are.’
- wisewebwoman
‘And there I was thinking you'd never top the cat porn… You share my love of subverting the sex genre...’
- Luka
‘Before I read this, I don't remember the last time I laughed out loud at my computer.’
- Ryan Lawson [It was ten minutes earlier]
‘You swing between extremely touching, confessional posts and flat-out, totally wrong but right, hilarity.’
- Hank Kingsley
‘Bloody amazing stuff. I'm definitely nominating you for something when blog awards season rolls around.’
- Sir Garence
‘Your blog is really good and interesting, even when you are writing about disgusting things like vomit and poo.’
- Uncle Did
‘I knew it! Surely there had to be something worth reading out there in Blogland. And now I've found it. I did read the one track mind girl for a while, but then everyone told her she was a good writer, so she started writing like someone trying to be a writer, which was tiresome. I hope that doesn't happen to you… More power to your elbow(s).’
- Brian
- Hendo
'...superb, hovering somewhere between Dostoevsky, Wodehouse and Adrian Mole....'
- Tim Footman
‘Hilarious and hot, all in one. How refreshing.’
- Bittersweet-Me
‘Funny, well-written, touching… addictive and fast-gathering a cult following.’
- Rachel from North London
‘You are such a wanker, you really are! People like you make me wanna vomit. My got [sic] the world would be such a dull place if you had your way, wouldnt [sic] it?’
- Anonymous Sebastian Horsley fan
‘[Bete de Jour] is an awesome writer, and has the balls to write about some ridiculously personal stuff…. Read his 'significant moment' posts… they're all great, and revealing, and refreshingly honest.’
- TheTelf
‘I salute your great honesty, unless you made it up, in which case I salute your great dishonesty.’
- Larry Teabag
‘Wonderful, wonderful writing! I fear you've become my new addiction.’
- SJ
‘I bloody love MDMA. Yum yum.’
- Roszs Bif
‘You're hilarious!’
- Mary Setrakian
‘You know, I reckon with that whole self-effacing thing going on, you're not going to need to shell out for whores - we girls are suckers for that stuff….’
- Glamourpuss
‘Like other readers of your wittily-penned blog, I think you are likely to find your next partner by the power of your typing fingers and creative thoughts....’
- Shimacat
‘You are a beautiful person. Period.’
- Jessica Rae
‘I never even knew that cats liked marmite.’
- EmmaK
‘I love how you write, I love your Blog, and I love you.’
- Ginny
‘You write beautifully, BDJ. This can only spring from the beauty you are.’
- wisewebwoman
‘And there I was thinking you'd never top the cat porn… You share my love of subverting the sex genre...’
- Luka
‘Before I read this, I don't remember the last time I laughed out loud at my computer.’
- Ryan Lawson [It was ten minutes earlier]
‘You swing between extremely touching, confessional posts and flat-out, totally wrong but right, hilarity.’
- Hank Kingsley
‘Bloody amazing stuff. I'm definitely nominating you for something when blog awards season rolls around.’
- Sir Garence
‘Your blog is really good and interesting, even when you are writing about disgusting things like vomit and poo.’
- Uncle Did
‘I knew it! Surely there had to be something worth reading out there in Blogland. And now I've found it. I did read the one track mind girl for a while, but then everyone told her she was a good writer, so she started writing like someone trying to be a writer, which was tiresome. I hope that doesn't happen to you… More power to your elbow(s).’
- Brian
Things you may have missed...
-
▼
2008
(192)
-
▼
October
(17)
- Feedback Friday :: Turning Point
- Tuneful Tuesday, On A Friday! :: Songs Which Have ...
- An Apology :: Updated
- Haircut
- Feedback Friday, On A Monday :: Has The World Gone...
- Insane God Man Vs Barack Obama
- When Did I Become Such A Bitter Little Man? Oh, Yeah.
- Feedback Friday :: Low
- The Ringo Starr Jumble Appeal
- Coping With the Credit Crunch :: Two Alternatives
- Feedback Friday :: Perspective
- I Have An Announcement To Make…
- Nine Months In :: Done With Love
- Fucker
- The Morag Situation #5 :: Have you ever been in love?
- The Morag Situation #4 :: So why did we stop?
- The Morag Situation #3 :: Did you fuck Christ?
-
▼
October
(17)
38 comments:
I am afraid. I can't believe these crazies actually have congregations of people preaching out there!
i just got back from an OBAMA rally!!! got to hear him speak, but couldn't see him - there were 50,000 of us! GO OBAMA!!
OH my god. OH my god oH my god WTF!?! Apparently this guy is really racist against biracial people. Oh. My. God. I..wow.
I... what..... who....
Holy crap, I have no idea what to say....
Wait, yes I do: the guy sounds a bit like a toad.
He also is proving my point that religious fanatics are sometimes synonymous with crazy nutbags.
I was waiting for the guy to start laughing; it's just too ridiculous.
I can only see a black square? Is that meant to be stupid? Or am I missing something?
SCW, it's terrifying, isn't it?
Lauren, what was the security like? I'm interested, and concerned.
Mina, it is difficulty to know what to say, I agree.
Rose, me too. But no, no joke.
Anonymous, no, that's right. It's a black square. Stupid huh? Whatever next?
Please, please, please don't post garbage like this. I'd much rather you didn't post anything for a couple of days than annoying fluff fillers.
I'm probably a little more fed up than most with this stuff though as the forum I moderate has more than it's fair share of Yanks and there's been too much of this stupid stuff floating round recently.
BTW, my comment verification word was almost asshat ...
Oh. But... I thought it was interesting. And I thought, you know, that this was my blog and I could post whatever the fuck I wanted. Oh, hang on... it is!!!
Excellent.
Absolutely - that was simply a plea and should in no way be construed as an order.
Do I need more "please"s? ;)
Please.
Please?
Please!
S'il vous plait.
Vär snäll.
Bitte.
Por favor.
Sodes.
OK, I've run out of languages now ;)
Me Jane!
Ann Anon
by the way. i hate comment moderation. you're impacting my desire for immediate self-gratification. sigh. oh right, YOUR blog and all that. lol.
fist bumping leads to eating babies. didn't you all know that? i'm voting for the old white dude because he has jowls big enough to save babies...
jeebus louise... this guy maintains tax exempt status. scary as hell...
You post whatever you want Bete. I love it and that's all you need in life, ha!
I think I'm going to call Sarah Palin Taaaaaarzan from now on just for fun.
This man should be humanely decapitated. A petition anyone?
Differential Diagnosis:
1. Enterocephalic fistula (layman's term: connection btw intestines and head causing faeces to be deposited in brain)
2. Schizophrenia (Delusional)
3. Republican
Management:
This man should be put to sleep, indefinately
Doctor's orders
I heard "Staawp Obaamaa" and staawped the tape. I'm beginning to think that Obama is the last bulwark between humankind and hell in a handcart.
But if you like, you can donate any of your fast-vanishing spare cash to a Good Cause; the atheist bus. Sponsored heavily by Richard Dawkins: http://tinyurl.com/63xyzp
Slogan: "There's probably no god. Now stop worrying and enjoy your life."
Kära Urban Spaceman,
Du har gjort Lille Bete mycket arg.
Sluta gnälla, han får skriva vad han fan vill.
Hälsningar
Tönt Nisse
An online translator tells me:
'Dear Urban Spaceman,
You have done Lille Bait very angry.
Stop whine, he may write what the hell he wants.
Regards
Jerk Nisse'
Väl said, dig charmig svensk! Jag kunde inte instämma mer.
Kyssar.
Dearest Bete,
I have this nice warm feeling inside me now after you acknowledged me in swedish. This must be what it feels like when a celebrity speaks to you. I'm touched!
The spaceman has been doing my head in for a while. An admonishment was in order.
Anyway I just like to say that your blog is top quality and I enjoy reading it very much. Please don't ever stop writing this blog! Know that there are so many readers like me who don't post comments often enough. You will get your big break soon, i know it. Quality like this cannot go unnoticed for too long. Ok, the warm fuzzy feeling inside me is subsiding now and I have browned my nose enough.
Your fan
KK
Jag finner din rysligt gulliga bruna näsa.
x
Ha Ha! You find my cute brown nose dreadful?!
That online translator is being ever so mischievous and oxymoronic.
Ofcourse I would like to believe you meant, you find my brown nose awfully cute.
I am smitten....
P.S: On reviewing the meaning of this idiom, brown nose, I found to my horror that it implies I want something in return for my ass kissing. Oh absolutely not. Those comments were genuine. But I'm sure when you're earning 5m£ a book you wont mind parting a fifth of that too a faithful, and let's not forget charming swede that you have blown cyber kisses to.
Din älskling =)
Shtan,
Thanks, darling, for the best fucking laugh I've had all day.
xx
Schtan,
Thanks for the best fucking laugh I've had all day. Actually, make that all week.
xx
bien sur! il le faut parler en la langue different pour un reponse...maintenant, je comprends!
America, land of the free (in their dreams) and home of the brave. You'd have to be brave to live there among the loonies and religious freaks.
Pratar vi Svenska nu?
BTW, Tönt got mistranslated - I suspect it was meant to be "geek" ;)
Du är intehttp://betedejour.blogspot.com/ arg mot mig Bete, eller? Hoppas inte ... ;)
Nu, ska vi sjungar en snapps visa ...
Bamse pippar lille-skutt i backen
Svansen kittlar skönt när man är naken
Skålman rynkar, farmor kokar honung
Så att Bamse kan få stånd igen
Hope the adult content doesn't get me censored - will be interested to see what Bete gets out of bablefish for that one ;)
BTW,
KK=Knull kompis? ;)
Erm, KK, I've just seen that I've apparantly been "doing your head in for a while" ... why, precisely? It's not as if I even comment here very often.
Just curious.
BTW Bete, since I seem to have upset one of your commentors (although frankly, I've no idea how! KK - your Swedish is too fluent to be an online translator - do I know you from a rather specific online forum? Do I have a cyber-stalker?)
Anyway:
a. Sorry for monopolising your comments - I should have given it a but more thought and put everything in one post.
b. I really like your writing - it's nice irreverant humour combined with (what I can only assume is) brutal honesty. That's pretty much a winning combination. Now all you need is the lucky break...
c. I wasn't having a go at Bete, simply saying this video was garbage (who would disagree with that - the guy was a nutter!) I seem to have seen an awful lot of this nutty propaganda recently and it's getting a little tiring, that's all. I'll be quite happy when the election is over.
Now, how about I get a round in?
I have a headache.
Hopefully, fingers crossed,McCain and Palin don't win...
If they do, I'm running away to Mexico or maybe Canada, or hey- why not the UK...
Anyone interested in starting an underground railroad to help frightened Americans, who believe in equality, freedom of choice, tolerance, and separation of church and state?
....Anyone?
Oh wait, crazy-religious-zealots; exist everywhere!
I forgot...oh, well!
I guess, I'll just stay here- I tried living without real Mexican food for two weeks and it didn't work out that well.
all 50,000 of us had to go through metal detectors: horribly dreadful lines and waiting ensued.
Also, where in the bleeding hell have you gone??
Ha Ha! You find my cute brown nose dreadful?!
D’oh!
Panda, were you a little tipsy when you commented last?
Little Sparra, vous grand ridicule. Honte à vous.
Now, Spaceman, what the heckfire is going on? You appear to be Swedish, and KK appears to be Swedish too. What’s going on? It’s like IKEA round here all of a sudden. And I translated your song with the help of the internet. It makes no sense:
Bamse Pippa little-jump on the slopes
Tail tickle nice when you are naked
Skalman frowning, grandmother cook honey
So Bamse can get a position again
But it does sound rather coarse. So I must insist you stop at once.
Don’t worry, Lauren. I’m here, and hopefully normal service will be resumed fairly soon.
Brilliant translation!! ;)
It's a childrens song with rude words.
Bamse takes lille-skutt up the arse
The tail tickles nicely when you're naked
Skålman masturbates, grandma cooks honey
So Bamse can get hard again
Bamse, lille-skutt, skålman and farmor are all characters in the Bamse comic (Bamse is a bear who eats honey to make him strong a la Popeye with spinach).
I like your translation better ;)
BTW, I'm a Brit. I just live in Sweden (at least until I get around to moving back to Oz, where it's much sunnier!!)
Well, there appears to be a funk in the blogosphere.
Bloggers are posting a lot less lately.
Must be fall. The creative energies becoming all funked up.
Hope you return soon.
:)
Mrs. Hall
I've lost an hour and my WV is SLYCLAT. I've quite forgotten my reason to be here......
Oh yes, write more often - please?
S.C.
Spaceman,
Growing up in Sweden, I enjoyed the Bamse cartoons, thank you for corrupting those sweet memories.
Sir Bete, you have an international following, let's eat some meatballs and celebrate.
KKe
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